To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

OP I have 2 children with severe additional needs too. It is hard. I cry all the time. I can’t sit and have coffee with other mums so I don’t go out with them any more. The kids want and need me for everything. It is so hard. Same as you I only have my mum for support. It is rare I get out with my husband. We try to give each other a break by doing things separately but as our life is so demanding this is rare.

Do not believe what you see on social media. I beat myself up about this too and think I’m failing my kids. Truth is other SEN parents probably see my social media and think how does she do it with 2? They don’t see the screaming match or tears to get out the door or the stress it can bring us being out and about.

I will advise you to really push for a SEN school. It has been the making of my children. they will help your child so much with communication and it will be such a good help for your family and things do get much easier when your child can communicate.

it sounds like you are doing a great job, the progress is slow but it’s still to be celebrated. You will get some part of your life back when he goes to school next year. Depending on your area I could advise you on charities etc that might be able to help you as a family? Pop me a DM and I will see if I know any charities that cover your area. I have made lots of new friends since my children started school they have guided me through all of the help available and I would love to be able to help others now too.

sometimes it seems harder to get support for more severe situations as so many are in the system for more mild situations since everyone is under the umbrella of ASD rather than the distinction of Asperger (ie mostly able to manage an independent life) vs severe (will always need care for basic functions).

I don’t buy this @Tumbleweed101 but I’ve certainly heard it argued before that lower support needs autistics take away resources from higher support needs autistics, and that’s why it’s wrong to bother diagnosing autism in kids who are verbal/academically able etc.

My opinion? It’s a load of bollocks. There aren’t any resources for low support needs kids either.

Not to mention, why accuse low support needs kids of commandeering all the resources away from high support needs kids, when the help both groups require is so different anyway?

People are suggesting OP does what is right for her, which isn’t the same as telling her (or indeed anyone) what they should or shouldn’t be doing. She’s said that it may be an option in the future, so obviously it isn’t something so extreme that it shouldn’t be referenced.

You not liking it does not mean it isn’t an option. It is.

@x2boys we've had a few interactions on here but I'm a serial name changer. I always agree with you and I think our circumstances are similar (2 x severely disabled sons). These threads always go the same way, "just push for more help", "residential school", and a throw in comment policing the way you feel about your child. Some of it is well meaning but I don't think it helps unfortunately.

We got to breaking point last summer and started talking about the remote possibility of residential school (knowing full well it was not something we could just 'request'). It was such a sad time. I had a thread similar to this one actually! Personally, I am so happy we hung on in there because even though it's still really difficult, I want my young DC who I very much love to live with me, their mother who might not always get it right but deeply cares about their happiness, for their entire childhoods!!!

Care for disabled children in particular should be the very, very last resort and only if there is a real risk of someone in the family coming to serious harm (just like the safeguarding threshold)...

https://councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/about-cdc/media-centre/news-opinion/phase-two-report-published-abuse-residential-special-schools

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/news/mendip-house-apology

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/child-abuse-uk-disabled-children-care-homes-b2323199.html

@lostinmymess They do see the child/human. But who do we as a society put first? I don’t believe we should have to put anyone first but the lack of resources and support and therefore people’s ability to cope/their declining emotional and mental health, makes it a dire situation.

Some people on this thread will support the OP putting herself and her daughter first based on who is most likely to have a ‘normal life’ as we know it.

It isn’t nice to say it out loud, it’s the elephant in the room, but it is thought.

But it isn't an option in reality
How many would be adoptive parents do.you think.there are that are willing and able to.care for children with complex needs ?

Adoptive parents probably not, I agree with you. But there are foster parents that do it for pay - I've known several families that do this. I've taken a look at the government statistics site and it looks like there are over 80,000 cared for children and 90% of these are in foster care. I know many, many children in foster care have additional needs, some of which are quite significant. So to say it's not an option or to shame people for doing or even suggesting it strikes me as wrong.

Yes, it is. It’s not a theoretical that’s being talked about, it’s something that actually does happen.

I’ve already stated that I’m not referring to adoption, or at least not solely. Foster care is absolutely an option.

And some people is have lived experience of the reality the child is three the early years are the hardest ,my son is 13 now and cognitively around 2 or 3 ,yes it's extremely hard work and sometimes I feel like I can't cope ,this summer holidays have been particularly challenging ,but school.starts back on Wednesday so.i.get a break and maybe one day we might actually get our two night ,s of respite a month
Regardless of what posters on here think most people don't put their children into care or if they do its after everything else has been exhausted and its felt to be in the best interests of the child.

And it strikes me as wrong for posters to jeep.suggesting foster or adoption as a first option you can Google all.you want but again most people do not put their disabled children into care ,yes some do but its the minority .

You don’t have to like it.

It isn’t up to you to decide whether it should or shouldn’t be an option for OP, or anyone else. That’s up to her.

I agree @x2boys . It’s pretty disturbing and the thread has turned into ‘how to abandon your child’ rather than supporting the OP

You have no idea how this child will act at 20 though because right now he is 3. You can't just put a 3 year old into care because you don't like how they may act in the future. You are just being alarmist and quite frankly completely ridiculous.

Oh I agree it's definitely the minority but yes as you've finally now admitted some do. And therefore it's an option and not something people should be shamed for suggesting or considering. No one has suggested it as a first option, or blithely, but as an option! Oh, and sorry if I disturbed your rigid absolutist stance with some facts!

The issue with that @Meadowdog is the OP didn’t indicate she was considering it in her posts. We now have twelve pages of arguing about it and the OP, who clearly needs support, is long forgotten.

For most people it is not an option. It tends to be a disabled child plus other factors - being a lone parent or suffering from illness yourself (mental or physical) or similar.

Being pragmatic here think about how your family and friends would react if you have your child up for adoption. It wouldn’t be like setting the clock back and going back to a former life. It would always be there.

This thread is so incredibly messed up tbh

They always are ,the Op.has said she would never say never about. Considering it in the future but right now it seems she just wants to vent yet people keep.on suggesting adoption/ fostering ,residential its depressing .

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

If you had 2 buttons:
1- he simply wouldn’t exist anymore
or 2 - he was free of the problems making life so hard, I think you would push the second button.

The OP has outright said adoption isn't something she would consider right now, so why are people still trying to convince her that giving up her 3 year old to care as if she was rehoming a dog is the best solution. It's so dehumanising of this child who is 3 and therefore still very young, who needs his mother, and who could come on leaps in time.

OP I just re read your last reply.
Two things that I thought that may not be relevant.

You spoke about Dad still being in the picture. Can you both work part time therefore allowing both of you to have a life outside of your care responsibilities? Splitting the load of it. That could help with your feelings maybe if it's doable.

The other thing is you talk about son needing 1 on 1 and this being hard with your daughter. Does your daughter go to childcare at all? If not could she? If she went at a different time to when your son goes to nursery it would allow you to reduce the times a bit where you are 1 person to the 2 kids and it would give you some alone time with DD and 1 on 1 time with your son.

Fostering is not the golden ticket some posters are making it out to be, children who are fostered feel rejected, unwanted, and unloved, the action it takes to put a child in foster care is harrowing. You don’t just ring social services and ask them to take a child. Social services step in when there is no other option. Can you imagine taking your child to school and not picking them up, when the school office phone you to remind you, you either refuse to collect or go AWOL. It is horrendous for any child to be suddenly be surrounded by unknown adults and then more unknown adults that take them home, then if those adults (foster carers) can’t cope, the child is moved on. And on. Please do not be fooled thinking this is an easier route for anyone. Especially your child, and what will you tell them when the ask you why you sent them away, and what will you tell your dd?
Yanbu to want a break, join all the charities you can and take the support, resources and respite there is. 3 years old is hard going.
Wishing you peace and best wishes.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2293579/amp/Would-disabled-son-allow-children-chance-happiness.html

the above article is written by a mother who put their disabled child in a residential school, she stated she spent £20k in legal fees fighting the council for funding. It’s not that simple to get that kind of help

Sending child to residential school is not "giving up". Narrative has to change.
Seeking shared care foster care is not " giving up ".
It is hard to get yes, but first step is asking and being clear and yes being ready to hand over child for 24 hours or more at a time.

Tbh,once the Ops son starts school.she might find things get a bit easier in terms of she will.have a breather every weekday
Respiite is incredibly limited but currently my son gets a day a week in a special needs holiday club and in the school.holidsyx every other Saturday in the same club which helps our two nights a month haven't materialised yet!
And the routine of school.really helps and it keeps him.active and less destructive
Of course its always. difficult for siblings and my 16 year old has had it rough ,but we try and spend individual time with him and he knows how loved he is .

I’m not seeing anyone telling OP what she should do, except the ones that want to declare that something that is an option shouldn’t even be mentioned. It’s fine if it’s something that you wouldn’t ever consider, no one said it had to be. You don’t get to make that decision for anyone else though.

Again: acknowledging it as an option, and one that no one should be shamed over, is not the same thing as telling someone what to do.

But its not a simple process either is it its long and arduous
Some poster ,s seem to.think you can just phone up.social.services and they will immediately provide you with lots of lovely respite or find a delightful residential school near enough for regular visits that children can start immediately at.