To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

The child is three its not domestic violence.

I mean this kindly op but it sounds like you'd be doing your son, and most importantly yourself a massive favour if you stopped trying to fix him.

We were in a very similar position to you 20 years ago, also had another child of a similar age who has Autism too.... ds was extremely hard work, his issues were obvious from a few months old so we had him picked up and in the system by the time he was around 10 months and still couldn't sit.......I used to tie myself in knots trying to make things better but innthe end he got there himself, under his own steam in his own time.

He's 22 now and yes, he'll need lifelong care but he's also progressed beyond my wildest dreams. And he got there himself, I mean it's a miracle he survived this long with his constant escape attempts and habit of trying to eat batteries but he did. And I'm immensely proud of what he's achieved, my biggest regret is not enjoying him more as a small child.

He's just brought me in a cup of tea, I absolutely adore my boy. And him being secure with that is what's brought him on the most.

Yanbu no one would choose this lifestyle
It's very unfair x

Her daughter deserves to have a fairly happy and safe home life as well. That might not happen with him around,. Some people may not want to acknowledge this, but this could seriously affect her.

It does happen, occasionally, but being bounced around the care system and ending up in a care home or hospital facility is far more common.

But you also need to const how the daughter might feel if her brother was away my older son has had a much harder life as the sibling of a disabled child but he's his BROTHER and he loves him its also made him.a much better and kinder person imo.

Hi OP
speaking from similar experience, putting the younger child in nursery is a good idea - socialisation for her and gives everyone a break

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme, agreed. The OP wrote a long detailed post about visiting special schools and what disability categories their admission systems are based on, and how hard it is for any child other than the most severely disabled to get a place. So clearly she is investigating but there's very little out there in reality. I know of similar situations outwith the UK as well.

I don’t think anyone unwilling or unable to raise a child should have to do so, and if that means placing a child in foster care or putting them up for adoption then I’m not going to sit back and judge if they choose to do so.

it’s entirely up to the individual in question.

I said I was disgusted with all the comments encouraging a mother of a THREE year old to jump straight to adoption or long term fostering. Yes I am passing judgement, on all the posters talking about this disabled child in a way that dehumanises him.

I didn't say I was disgusted with parents who end up feeling like they have no choice but to give their child up for adoption.

OP reading this makes me very sad for your son, he didn’t choose this life no one will choose to have disabilities,and as you pointed you wished for all test to be made to identify abnormalities but he is here now. It’s ok to vent I feel your pain and your son. In certain situations all we have to do is give and I believe in my heart this lovely boy one day you will look back and be happy for the life you have gave him. Please don’t give up on him. If you choose to give him for adoption will you be at peace in your for his wellbeing and how he is treated?

Hi OP, I work in a special school for specifically autistic children. I can imagine exactly what DS is like - most of the children I work with are very similar, we mostly have children with very severe ASD.

I can imagine how incredibly difficult your life is. I sometimes wonder how parents of severely autistic children cope. It can be hard enough for us in school.

What I will say is that every child with ASD is completely unique, and you can never really know how they'll progress. I've seen children change dramatically - in both communication, understanding, independence and behaviour.

I've worked with children who in reception are like little whirlwinds - unable to sit still for 5 seconds, climbing furniture, biting/scratching, zero communication or understanding etc... But by year 1 or 2 they're like different children, and a few years down the line they can communicate. Perhaps not by speech, but other ways such as PECS. School can be transformative. I imagine from your description of your child he will be straight into a special school, which is exactly what he needs.

I know that doesn't help for right now, as he's only 3 so you have awhile to wait, but hold out hope that school might make a world of difference.

I.agree with you
Its one thing looking at residential.care after.everything else has failed and I have friends in that position who.have had to make the heart breaking decision to place a child in residential school.when its clear its the only option after many years of fighting the system
But to flppantly kep.suggesting a child of three should just be placed or adopted is shocking

@Honeybu what a load of rubbish. Life isn't a fairytale and if you "believe in your heart" hard enough you'll get what you want.
You obviously have no clue about the daily struggle that is OP's life. What on earth are you on about?

Even if she choose to allow others to care for him, that's ok. She's not giving up on him.

The only person who thinks I’m going a good job or that I’m strong or amazing (despite me having the entire ASD, EHCP,DLA,Carer and now entry to special school processes completely on my own alongside parenting, is my mum. Who is basically a third parent to my kids and not by choice, just because she understands from her own childcare career that my situation is actually totally unmanageable

I have a 5 year old with ASD who has a younger sibling and I think it sounds like you are strong, amazing and doing a great job. It's massively hard at that age, but please do have hope that things will get more manageable.

You will get less batshit replies and more solidarity on the Special Needs MN boards.

This is the family I grew up in, it’s all so true and yet I’ve never seen it said. I’m glad I did

If I were in that situation, I would like to think I would give my child up for adoption. Don't think about the snobbery people have. You have to do what is right for your family, not for the on-lookers and naysayers.

Can people please please stop suggesting residential care? There is no such thing esp for 3 year old. There is next to no support for families with complex kids let alone residential placement. Please, for the love of god, stop suggesting this nonsense

If Thehonestbadger turned round tomorrow and said that is it. No more I need SS to come and get him then somewhere would be found.

If something happened to honestbadger and her dh and they were in hospital then somewhere would be found.

It isn’t that there isn’t anything, it is because what there is, is too little to go round

Your child would likely not be adopted May be lonng term fostered maybe with a loving family or maybe be being moved between adequate foster cares who can just about cope likely the latter option .

Somewhere would be found of course but the quality.of care might be questionable

That sounds so hard. I bet you’re doing a great job, I wish there was more help offered to you in this country.

@Yalta what evidence are you basing the fact that somewhere would be found in these instances on? You seem pretty certain. What’s your experience of these situations? I’ve witnessed many many ‘I can’t cope, you have to come and take them’ situations and I’ve known it to be successful in very specific circumstances twice with much older children.

In some instances Foster care is actually a much better option for the child than adoption. Family contact is more regularly facilitated and can be arranged with the Foster carers, parents retain full responsibility for decisions made about their child's care and it means the situation can be reviewed regularly. It also means that the decision isn't final. If the child's original families circumstances change they might be in a place to have their child live with them again. There's also much more support in place for foster parents than adoptive parents which can mean they're more likely to sustain a long term placement. (Messed up since they should be supporting the family better in the first place. ) Also in that vein a child would need to have a pathway drawn up meaning that on turning 18 they would be helped access long term supported accommodation to live securely in which is usually a huge worry and struggle for carers as they get older and their children grow into adults.

I understand this is something you feel strongly on but you're presenting blanket statements and that's not fair since every situation is individual.

I was raped by a foster brother in one home and then sexually assaulted by a foster father whilst on holiday in front of the whole family.
I was a young teenager with a mouth, not afraid to make noise.

What do you think happens to the non verbal, mentally disabled, physically impaired CHILDREN you are suggesting we give up?

We don't want to give our children up, we've already fallen in love with them by the time their disabilities and difficulties appear.

We just need help and to not have to fight until we are nearing a nervous breakdown to get it.

If society is judged on how it treats the most vulnerable in society then judging by the attitudes I routinely see directed towards disabled children alone brings me to believe we all share an equal amount of shame.

Don't forget this, every single one of you is one infection or accident away from being completely reliant on the wider society around you.

Never forget that.