To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

Foster care agencies exist for this scenario
If child is potentially at risk from parent who cannot cope then yes child can be dropped at ss door figuratively

https://www.orangegrovefostercare.co.uk/about-fostering/types-of-fostering/fostering-children-with-disabilities/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=Disability_Fostering&utm_campaign=%F0%9F%9F%A0_All_Regions_-_Types_of_Fostering&utm_term=disability%20foster&gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwusunBhCYARIsAFBsUP_BB-myandfa_jfV2SO7T0ACOfe1DsXNQBvVAa2RYxe_5LuF6FGiLAaAv-bEALw_wcB

You have my sympathy. I've looked after some quite difficult children on the autistic spectrum and I've often wondered how tough it must be to be their parent dealing with their behaviours pretty much constantly away from nursery. It can be quite challenging to have them for just a few hours and with support from colleagues.

Push your health care providers and nursery to put as much in place now (EHCP, OT, SALT, CDC etc) ready for starting school so that you have all the funding and support you can get as your child gets older. Once the assessments are completed you may find you can assess more help. I have a friend with a child who is unable to manage simple things such as getting dressed independently as an autistic teen and she said sometimes it seems harder to get support for more severe situations as so many are in the system for more mild situations since everyone is under the umbrella of ASD rather than the distinction of Asperger (ie mostly able to manage an independent life) vs severe (will always need care for basic functions).

@cestlavielife what’s your personal experience of this?

You must realise their is a huge shortage of Foster Carers for DC who have no one to care for them. I'm a Foster Carer and I know the agency I work for is always looking for new carers so much so that if a Foster Carer introduces a potential new Foster Carer and they do all their training and start Foster Caring the Foster Carer who made the introduction gets £2k. That's how short of Foster Carers they are. When a FC I know told her SW she had thought of retiring early the SW persuaded her to continue and suggested she just took a holiday in between placements. Foster Carers often have 2 or 3 placements at once. It really sounds as if this DC would take all of probably two people's time every day just to care for him.

NO! You don't say???? How about when he's 20??

You need respite or residential care. You deserve a life.

I have severe l d son
I know foster carers who take in such kids
I know and understand it s not easy to get help
But if op tells ss and her gp she wishes him not to be here that should trigger help
If op is prepared for others to care forher child

It is better than she snaps
My ds dad expressed he wished ds was not here, and one day he did snap and threw him across room....

(Years later therapy etc long story he does cope with him)

Nothing to offer OP, other than an enormous hug and to say that no, it isn’t horrible, and no, you aren’t being unreasonable to feel as you do. It is relentless and never ending and a non-stop battle and utterly unbearable. It’s not a question of not coping as you will keep doing what you’re doing - putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each minute - but that does not mean that it’s right. Social care in this country is a disaster that should make us all ashamed, and it is letting you down: you are not letting either of your children down. You are doing everything you possibly can to be three if not four people at once. Vent and rant here if you need to - and ignore the idiots on the thread with “oh just ask for/shout louder/there will always be something out there”. They don’t have a clue. I left social work when I stopped being able to protect my service users from our senior managers, and almost broke down from the fear and the shame of what I was leaving families to manage - you don’t have that luxury. You are an amazing mum, even if you don’t feel like it.

@cestlavielife that would be a bit of a gamble to take. It could definitely be a way to get help. It would most likely involve a CP investigation but I guess if someone is desperate that could be a way to get some support. Often these kinds of things can be met with a counter threat of prosecution for abandonment/threats to harm. It would all depend on how the person it’s shared with responds to it. Like I said upthread in 20 odd years of working with countless vulnerable families I’ve only known of two occasions where it’s resulted in a child being placed in foster care for much older children where families had other vulnerabilities at play.

My ds ' dad expressed " i wish we didnt have him" "i wish he had never been born" these words should be taken seriously.

Ds dad snapped and the outcome could have been a lot more serious than it was.....ds was non verbal poo smearing asd etc, etc.... My ds' dad had to leave after he snapped, I was prepared to look after ds and we did have respite .... Op needs to say those words to ss and gp and agree to look at part time or emergency foster care.... Have the discussion with wider family. ...but what does the child 's dad say?

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme

A gamble yes but you wont get access to overnight care for young child without speaking up and saying i cannot cope and I am having thoughts of wishing my child is not here . Sems to me Op clearly woukd benefit from overnight 24 hour or weekend respite and needs to say so and be ready for child to go stay elsewhere. ... or can ask for o /nite care in her home and take breaks elsewhere herself . Yes i know it s hard etc but if family at breaking point/parent at breaking point/child at risk then this needs to be said. Spelled out. Better than a parent snapping.... People suggesting adoption or fostering are not being naive, it s a valid option if the whole family want that .

I suspect that many such parents would consider adoption if it was a real option. I'm pretty sure I would.

But he is not 20 right now. He is 3 right now.

Much love and thank you for reminding everyone of what we often ignore

The child is three,rtft, its not that fucking easy!

For all those posters,who think the Op.should just have her child adopted(like its that eassy)Do you have children ?
What if one of you kids had a terrible accident and became severely disabled would you fi
Just have them adopted because you can't deal with it ?
Because that's what your suggesting the OP.does

I'm sorry but your family aren't actually very supportive, he's as much theirs as he is yours and should be giving you considerably more help. The fact he's extremely difficult should not be stopping people from having him for longer periods, especially so you can have time to yourself and time with your daughter. If they did and you had this time, mentally you will feel more up to life. I feel so sorry for you.

I think this thread in many ways illustrates how society views our DC with complex needs: a burden we need to offload elsewhere. Many posters don't seem to see the child in question as a human, zero concern how it would effect the child. A number of posters also don't seem to be able to grasp that we love our DC dearly and just needs some extra support but absolutely don't want to shift our DC onto someone else. Depressing.

You'd think so, wouldn't you - but there are basically zero foster Carers who will take on high needs disabled children in my city. It would fall to her DH / family / friends to pick up the pieces.

OP it will be a fight but keep fighting for more hours of care and the right school for your DS. My friend's child became verbal aged 6 and is now able to attend (special) school full time.

@PutinSmellsPassItOn I thought my DC was the only one who keeps attempting to eat batteries! Causes so many problems.

It is hard. We chose not to have any more children once we could see where things were headed with ds (I know this wasn't an option for you) our lives basically revolve entirely around ds. His routines, interests, planning for his needs. Everything is to try to keep him on an even keel.

You are being human! It’s ok to be disappointed and to wish things were different. I have a son severely autistic with severe learning difficulties. He’s 18 now but at 15 we could no longer cope, he used to be violent with me and it wasn’t safe to be around him. I feel guilty to say this, but as you are being so open here we go! We had the same issues, the only way I could work was to work from home, but I was either working or being a carer, this went off for years. I didn’t realise how much we were giving up as a family. Older son missed out on so much. Eventually school said they could no longer cope, so he was given a place at a residential school. We felt so guilty. But, three years on he’s got his own life going on there, he’s better, loves the staff, and we have a life too. There will be very hard days but you will have good days too, I promise you. As your son gets older my guess would be he will react more and you will have some good memories. My son used to wee all over the place, smear etc. anyway, I’m just adding that you are brave to be open about your feelings. Society sees being open like this as a taboo, but, you are going through a bit of a grieving process, what could have been etc. I’m still like that at times. But you get used to it. Keep smiling when you can

But he's not 20/he's three ,maybe when he is 20 vs will be very different or maybe they won't ,but likening a disabled three year old a behaviour to.domestic violence is ridiculous.

🙄Yes, but there is such a thing as 'the future' @Dolores87 . Babies grow up I'm afraid.

They do and nobody not even you knows how the now three year old will.be at 20 things maybe be much more settled or maybe they won't but 17 years is a huge amount of time .