To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

I know a couple who adopted a severely disabled child. Non verbal, couldn't walk or even sit unaided. They fostered initially and then adopted when she reached 15. They also had birth children and fostered other children with milder needs - mostly short term respite care. They adopted one of those too - autistic although not as severely affected as described by OP. So it does happen that parents give up these children and they find loving homes elsewhere.

But she hasn’t been in a car accident and even if she had been, there is absolutely no way they’d go straight to emergency foster care.

I think a lot of posters have been reading way too much Cathy Glass.

There are loads of families struggling including mine yes if the op.was in a car accident they would have to.do something but she isn't so they won't or offer very little .

Im.sure you do but there are not loads of families waiting around just to adopt severely disabled children
Most will.end up.in foster care at best

Don't be disgusted - I've worked in a special school and it definitely happens, more than you would think. People being disgusted and judgemental help no-one.

Op.the best advice I can give you coming from.a fellow parent of a child with complex disabilities is find your.people
It took.me years but i now have a lovely supportive group.of friends with children who.have similar needs who I can shout and scream at when everything gets to much who truly understand
No it doesn't help much practily, but they understand and have been there.

It sounds very, very hard OP. No judgement from me at all.

As others have said, the situation is dire. There are few choices available, and some of those which are would have me hung, drawn and quartered on this thread if I typed them out, but which I’m sure have crossed many an SEN parent’s mind.

I hope things get easier for you and that you get the support you and your family need.

Support available for children and parents in England (autism.org.uk)

I'm so sorry xx

That all.sounds rather lovely doesn't it?
We know what should happen and you can post as many links as you want but in reality there is very little In they way of practical support .
I'm talking from experience.

I know the country is in dire straits but I’ve just googled respite care in my home county. There were options. Obviously there used to be more, and I can’t judge the suitability of what was offered.
Neither of your children will benefit from you breaking and that could happen.
If you start with a Google search for your county that might throw up some options ( as well as LA I saw Barnardos and Autistic Society listings)
Then email your SW, tell them you are at breaking point. Don’t hold back.
I’m retired so it’s a while since I was involved in fostering but there are foster parents who offer short term care and have experience of children with complex needs, ( I was one) although they might not be in your area.
There are residential places, they do exist but from the last (brief) involvement I had about 5 years ago I’d say they’re not good ;owned by large companies for profit.

I’m really sorry. Must be so hard,sending you hugs.

I’m sorry I haven’t read the entire thread, but I just wanted to say there is no judgement from me. I won’t ever be able to understand even a tenth of what parents of complex needs kids have to deal with.
where abouts are you based? I’d be happy to meet and try and help with your son to free up some time for you to spend with your daughter if it would help, even if it was just an hour here and there?
Maybe if others could offer support for mums in similar situations, we could all help in even the tiniest way?
Huge hugs, so sorry you’re feeling the way you are x

I can’t believe some of you are suggesting OP puts her son up for adoption- like children with disabilities are somehow less loveable than children who don’t have disabilities.

If any parent came on here to have a bit of a moan about what a shit time they were having lately it wouldn’t enter anybodies head to suggest you relinquish your child- except when disabilities are involved, then it’s an absolute free for all for the ignorant ableist arseholes to stick the boot in as hard as they can.

To OP - it’s bloody relentless mate , have a look at the SEN board they are a supportive bunch. It could be worth you contacting your health visitor and asking them for some support, some are fab and can connect you to some brilliant support. Don’t forget to look at your “Local Offer” because they will able to signpost you
to support too.

I really feel for you OP. I know people with more experience than me are saying that there is no residential care, but over fifty years ago I used to do volunteer work in this place and it was so lovely and the children and adults so well loved and looked after. They definitely didn't have children as young as your child, OP. It might be worth looking into:
https://www.glencraig.org.uk/services/

nothing of value to add. just solidarity mama. I have 4 children. my eldest has been diagnosed with add, asd and a learning disability and attends an sen school. We have recently found out our second child has a neurological disorder that effects the signals being sent to her legs and feet. Diagnosed age 11, it's progressive, so she's lost the ability to run and is waiting for surgery on her feet to help with balance and stability.
Children with disabilities really do impact family life. I hear you ❤️

Hope things begin to improve for you soon!

Do people honestly think those who are ‘living it’ and saying THERE IS NO CARE haven’t thought to google their options and are just not ‘trying hard enough’ I know people mean well but it feels so invalidating, patronising and minimises the reality when people are googling and posting random links.

We have both a care and SEND crisis going on in this country. There aren’t enough m foster placements for children who are at immediate risk of significant harm let alone for children with additional needs. If OP had a car accident when she has family and a DP she would categorically not get an emergency foster placement for her child! Even if she didn’t have a DP all extended family would be explored and contacted.

Those who do get respite/short breaks and residential placements do so after years and years of fighting tooth and nail for it often including lots of appeals, legal advice, tribunal etc etc. The sad fact is they’re incredibly expensive to fund so social care/education authorities will try every other option first (and when I say ‘option’ I mean they will hand some leaflets out, maybe put you on a waiting list for a course and suggest you ask your network for extra support) it feels as though people just can’t comprehend that there isn’t a safety net or a quick solution in these situations!! Maybe because we all get comfort from the idea that there’s always an option or a solution for everything in life.

OP hang in there. One foot in front of the other and just keep breathing. These moments will come and go and you will have some of those 4/10 day! Take the smallest opportunities to get some support from friends and family. Even if it’s as basic as asking someone to come for a cuppa and to keep you company or joining an SEN support group online.

Presumably ones that wouldn’t consider adoption an option. If it isn’t something you’d ever consider then yes, of course you’d have to cope, but for some people that would be an option.

I'm interested in where these people who would be willing to give up their child for adoption would draw the line for their child not living up to their expectations, and spoiling their dream of a perfect, easy life? How 'bad' does the child need to be?

Also we are not talking a baby that has been born with multiple disabilities where it was obvious from the beginning that he would have very high needs. This is a 3 year old child - parents of disabled children love their children too, despite how much harder they are to care for, and how many parents do you think would want to give up on their child?

@Yamaya I agree with you and everything you said

Not many ime,of being the mother of a severely disabled child myself my son was born apparently normal and only when he started not meeting his milestone, s did we realise there might be issues but by then he was our much loved son
Its not been easy and quite frankly on Wednesday when he goes back to.his special school.i.will be relieved but most of us get on with it as there is no other option.

I don't know if adoption is the right answer for both you and him, but I would be concerned about how this is going to affect your daughter growing up. It's going to be hard for her where one parent is mentally assent most of the time because they're struggling so much with a sibling. I would also be concerned about the fact that your son is obviously a male, and sounds like he's going to turn out to be big too, so I'm wondering how you and your daughter will cope with him when he's older, if he's physically a handful now.

I'm so sorry parenting has meant this for you OP. He deserves a good life, but your daughter also deserves to feel safe in her own home and have the attention of a mother that she needs. Domestic violence against mums and sisters from brothers and sons is something that I think goes under reported. I know it's not the same with him because of his needs, but it's violence and physical danger that you might have to live with nonetheless.

mentally absent*

I would absolutely not judge you on any decision at all tbh. This is why I lose so much hope in humanity when anti-choice campaigners are so against abortion for reasons like disabilities and life-limiting conditions. They don't have a clue.

@SilverCatStripes Ffs. It's not just all about her son though is it. She also has a daughter who deserves a good and safe life. He's probably more of a handful now because of his age, but if he grows up and ends up having massive tantrums with little ability to control himself....wtf do you think that will mean for his poor sister who'll have to live with him????

I will never forget the story of a poor mother who hadn't had a proper nice shower in YEARS because her teenage son would have a meltdown every time she went into the bathroom to wash. She would lock the door but would have to be really quick as he would bang his fists on it and he did with such force that she was scared if she took too long, he would actually end up knocking it down if she took any longer. Imagine living with someone doing that that is so much stronger than you, and then add in a younger female child into the mix as well.

Don't be so fucking judgemental.