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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a mad crush on a young woman. What the fuck is wrong with me? Midlife crisis?!

176 replies

MadCrush · 01/09/2023 20:31

Im 40, married, been with my husband for the best part of 25 years. I adore him, he's hilarious, we have a great relationship and children.

Theres a neighbour down the road, she is 23, gay and fucking beautiful.

I'm mainly straight but every 5 or so years I will see a woman that gives me that absolute fanny gallops, before even having spoken to them.

This young woman is doing the same.
She works in a shop that I have to frequent on the daily.
I went through an absolute mental 5 minutes and followed her on fb (we know each other loosely through friends and neighbours) and stupidly told her she was hot.
she was gracious but a brick response - understandably!

I had a realisation that I was basically a dirty old married woman letching on a beautiful woman, which is a fucking horrible feeling as I've been on the receiving end.

I acknowledged my mistake with her for the same reasons above and unfollowed her.

BUT I can't stop thinking about her! She's so fit! And I'm so married! And old!

what the FUCK is wrong with me?!

is it middle age?!

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 02/09/2023 18:44

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 18:23

Hmmm. Still not convinced we need to go full ‘pearl-clutching’ here. OP is clearly no danger. She’s sent an ill-advised message and then backed right off. It’s not exactly dick-pic territory.

And the young woman knows the OP is 'clearly no danger', does she?

I do hope so because the OP goes to her place of work.

MattDamon · 02/09/2023 18:46

JammyThing · 02/09/2023 14:10

The part where you compared her to a man. HTH.

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It doesn't but thanks for trying.

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 19:05

TeapotTitties · 02/09/2023 18:44

And the young woman knows the OP is 'clearly no danger', does she?

I do hope so because the OP goes to her place of work.

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Hmmm. Well, no. The woman doesn’t know for sure that OP, or anyone, is not a danger. But statistically, a middle-aged woman is not a sexual threat. Nowhere near man territory.

LynetteScavo · 02/09/2023 19:07

If it was the DH messaging a young straight woman their would be cries of LTB.

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 19:13

LynetteScavo · 02/09/2023 19:07

If it was the DH messaging a young straight woman their would be cries of LTB.

Yes. We know. Have you read the thread?

Most objectors are up in arms about the sheer creepiness of a 40 year old being sexually attracted to a 23 year-old (with a bit of homophobia thrown in). The infidelity doesn’t get a look in.

TeapotTitties · 02/09/2023 19:15

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 19:05

Hmmm. Well, no. The woman doesn’t know for sure that OP, or anyone, is not a danger. But statistically, a middle-aged woman is not a sexual threat. Nowhere near man territory.

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Oh come on, why are you trying to minimise this?

Sexual assault isn't the only thing this young woman may be worried about and you know it.

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 19:21

TeapotTitties · 02/09/2023 19:15

Oh come on, why are you trying to minimise this?

Sexual assault isn't the only thing this young woman may be worried about and you know it.

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What are you on about?

I’m not trying to ‘minimise’; I’m trying to introduce a note of common sense. I’m sick of people (usually men, tbf) seizing upon any slight error from women and screaming “SEE!! Women are just as bad!”

They’re not.

An unsolicited come-on from a woman can be an annoyance or a liberty. But it certainly doesn’t come with the menace of a male come-on. The male version is worse precisely because women know what it might (and probably will) lead to in terms of aggression and dick-pics. There is no reason to fear similar from a woman.

TeapotTitties · 02/09/2023 19:39

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 19:21

What are you on about?

I’m not trying to ‘minimise’; I’m trying to introduce a note of common sense. I’m sick of people (usually men, tbf) seizing upon any slight error from women and screaming “SEE!! Women are just as bad!”

They’re not.

An unsolicited come-on from a woman can be an annoyance or a liberty. But it certainly doesn’t come with the menace of a male come-on. The male version is worse precisely because women know what it might (and probably will) lead to in terms of aggression and dick-pics. There is no reason to fear similar from a woman.

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An unsolicited come-on from a woman can be an annoyance or a liberty.

It can be fucking scary! So stop trying to minimise it.

The young woman has no idea what the OP's mental state is. She's sent her a creepy unsolicited comment and she visits her place of work.

Catch yourself on for goodness sake.

Letitgonowgr · 02/09/2023 19:40

Thinking someone is hot and telling them is a whole different thing. If your husband messaged a woman or man and did the same you’d be devastated I’m sure! You need to avoid the shop and her.

Skinthin · 02/09/2023 19:45

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 12:13

Of course OP shouldn’t have messaged the woman. She knows this.

But, Lord, can we stop with all the horrified gasps of “double standards”? Why so keen to call out women? Women are not nearly as bad as men in the sexual predator milieu, as well you know, and one misstep from one woman does not change that.

If you want to play “what if a man did this”, why not imagine what the responses would be on that thread on a male-dominated site?! If a 40 year-old married man messaged a hot young woman and then had an attack of conscience, there would be men left, right and centre laughing, taking the piss, egging him on, making all sorts of lewd suggestions.

Here, we have OP absolutely hung out to dry. Yes, she was wrong to message (which she’s admitted FFS) but she’s not some sort of deranged pervert for finding someone, gasp, younger sexually attractive. Why all the horror over her age?

And yes, advances from a man are, all other things being equal, more threatening than advances from a woman. Obviously.

I just don’t get why some women are so very quick to turn on women with a “double standards” accusation. It smacks of internalised misogyny to me.

This. No to mention the overwhelming majority of people on the thread have said YABU, and compares it exactly to a man doing this, as has op herself 🙄🙄. there are far more people gasping “double standard 😱” than those excusing OP’s behaviour.

Skinthin · 02/09/2023 19:48

tuvamoodyson · 02/09/2023 14:27

No, no problem with gay people at all! But I certainly do not want to be hit on by a woman in much the same way as a lesbian wouldn’t want to be hit on by a man…so, no, not homophobic in the least!

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Why does it matter what gender the person is? Surely the only consideration is whether you fancy them or not. You def sound homophobic.

tuvamoodyson · 02/09/2023 19:56

Don’t care what you think 🤷‍♀️ I’m definitely not homophobic, I still wouldn’t wish to be hit on by another woman.

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 20:04

TeapotTitties · 02/09/2023 19:39

An unsolicited come-on from a woman can be an annoyance or a liberty.

It can be fucking scary! So stop trying to minimise it.

The young woman has no idea what the OP's mental state is. She's sent her a creepy unsolicited comment and she visits her place of work.

Catch yourself on for goodness sake.

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What world are you living in, or what weird agenda are you trying to press?

A come-on in person from your average middle-aged mum wouldn’t be that scary, much less a short message online.

Do you seriously think a 40 year old woman poses a similar threat to a man - any man? I’m not minimising (silly buzz word); I’m reacting to real-life data and statistics.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 02/09/2023 20:12

Bloody hell. Mumsnet is so mental. Since when did a simple message from a woman with a compliment become a sex crime?! Yes it might have been misguided due to marriage but is it really as intense as everyone is making out? Calm down everyone 😂😂

WunWun · 02/09/2023 20:24

tuvamoodyson · 02/09/2023 19:56

Don’t care what you think 🤷‍♀️ I’m definitely not homophobic, I still wouldn’t wish to be hit on by another woman.

If you're saying you'd rather be hit on by a straight man that you're not interested in than a lesbian woman who you're also not interested in, then that is most certainly homophobic.

tuvamoodyson · 02/09/2023 20:26

😂😂😂 whatever! I care not a jot for your opinion!

WunWun · 02/09/2023 20:31

That's not an opinion it's a straight, obvious fact. Quite a bold statement to make on a public forum really, not wanting one of those disgusting gays coming on to you

Most well rounded people would just politely say "Sorry, I'm not attracted to women" or something similar and not think twice about it.

Skinthin · 02/09/2023 20:35

WunWun · 02/09/2023 20:31

That's not an opinion it's a straight, obvious fact. Quite a bold statement to make on a public forum really, not wanting one of those disgusting gays coming on to you

Most well rounded people would just politely say "Sorry, I'm not attracted to women" or something similar and not think twice about it.

That's not an opinion it's a straight, obvious fact. Quite a bold statement to make on a public forum really, not wanting one of those disgusting gays coming on to you

quite.

Murphs1 · 02/09/2023 20:39

I think this is really inappropriate. I have a 23 year old niece and I am in my 40’s. The thought of someone near my age saying she’s hot, when there is obviously not a mutual attraction, makes me feel very uncomfortable.
You've made a big mistake and realise that. We all make them. Learn from it, move on and don’t do it again would be my advice. If your emotions feel out of control maybe a visit to the GP to discuss how to move forward from here. Perimenopause can do very strange things in regards to the way we feel, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 20:45

Is it news to people on this thread that there really are perfectly healthy sexual relationships between people from different age brackets?

The (potential) infidelity and disrespect of the spouse is the issue here, not age!

Fallingthroughclouds · 02/09/2023 20:46

EvilElsa · 01/09/2023 23:35

Of course they do.
It's the being married and social media stalking and messaging the 23 year old telling her she is hot that's pervy. Unsolicited messages to a 20 year younger person you fancy when you are "happily" married is gross. From the blunt replies I'd imagine the 23 year old thought so too. Even the OP acknowledges she felt dirty.
I had a bloke do this to me when I was 19 and he was 45 and married. Before the times of social media, but he would come into my workplace all the time, stare at me, tell me I was beautiful. It was fucking awful and not flattering at all. I just saw him as this sad old letch. That might have been "human nature" but he could have at least kept it to himself.

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Definitely. There are boundaries being crossed and it feels more disconcerting if there is a big age gap.

QuizzlyBears · 02/09/2023 21:08

tuvamoodyson · 02/09/2023 20:26

😂😂😂 whatever! I care not a jot for your opinion!

It’s not an opinion, the response was fact. You’re happy to have a man come on to you, but not a woman….because? You have problem with women being sexually attracted to other women? You can’t disagree with that when you’ve just said it ‘turns your stomach.’

Southeastdweller · 02/09/2023 21:16

Plenty of twenty-somethings are up for shags with middle-aged folks. It may be news to some people on here, but it happens.

WWYDIYWMRN · 02/09/2023 21:26

Not read the whole thread but I feel you. I have my first female crush ever. I'm 44 and she's similar aged, so not young in my case. She's a colleague and every time she hugs or touches me it gets worse.

I'm putting it down to peri hormones and hoping it passes...

MattDamon · 02/09/2023 21:27

Southeastdweller · 02/09/2023 21:16

Plenty of twenty-somethings are up for shags with middle-aged folks. It may be news to some people on here, but it happens.

Lots of age gaps amongst my lesbian friends. I think the dating pool is smaller though, so less choice.

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