I have a mad crush on a young woman. What the fuck is wrong with me? Midlife crisis?!

[MadCrush]

Im 40, married, been with my husband for the best part of 25 years. I adore him, he's hilarious, we have a great relationship and children.

Theres a neighbour down the road, she is 23, gay and fucking beautiful.

I'm mainly straight but every 5 or so years I will see a woman that gives me that absolute fanny gallops, before even having spoken to them.

This young woman is doing the same.
She works in a shop that I have to frequent on the daily.
I went through an absolute mental 5 minutes and followed her on fb (we know each other loosely through friends and neighbours) and stupidly told her she was hot.
she was gracious but a brick response - understandably!

I had a realisation that I was basically a dirty old married woman letching on a beautiful woman, which is a fucking horrible feeling as I've been on the receiving end.

I acknowledged my mistake with her for the same reasons above and unfollowed her.

BUT I can't stop thinking about her! She's so fit! And I'm so married! And old!

what the FUCK is wrong with me?!

is it middle age?!

You stalked her on social media just to tell her you think she's hot?

Own it, this is not your hormones, it's pervy behaviour that has no doubt made her feel very uncomfortable.

When I was 23, the local married 40 something landlord of my local pub decided to let me know he thought I was 'hot', despite being old enough to be my dad and to be honest, it made me avoid him at all costs.

Just stop it, she didn't need to know and it certainly hasn't made her feel any better for you telling her

23. V 40 is a young person, what’s wrong with you.?

I'm 100% straight, but there are some women that I think are totally hot!! (They're famous though, so I'm not likely to bump into them at the corner shop). I'm at ok to have a woman crush. My DH's man crush is Ryan Reynolds 🤣

I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure she took it as a compliment!

You have absolutely nothing whatsoever to base that on?!

When you were that age you may well have welcomed unsolicited comments on your appearance from married women or men twice your age, but that doesn't mean all young women do!

It's not a compliment to be called hot by someone you don't find attractive. It's creepy.

Then you argue not 100 percent straight are you.?

Then you are not,sorry,

If she made a pass at you, how would you react? Have you been with a woman before or is this just pure fantasy?

Yes I have been with a woman before but we were really young 15/16, it was shortly before I met DH and tbh she was way more into me then I was into her. I certainly didn't have THESE feelings.

I'm sure all you people saying this is fine and harmless would be equally fine with your husbands adding a gorgeous 23 year old on Facebook and messaging her telling her she's hot 🙄

Ew no, thank god you checked yourself.

It certainly was hormones for me, but I didn't realise it at the time.
Exercise helped me 🤪
Yes it was feckin horrible, I didn't like feeling out of control.

Do you have to go into this shop? Maybe if you steer clear the feeling will stop. Maybe by seeing her and being reminded of her is keeping the feelings active.

I really hope she took it as a compliment and not an awful cringe.

For God sake OP you're nearly twice her age and married, of course she was cringing.

You're making yourself sound worse with every post. You STILL don't get how unsolicited comments like that can make young women feel, do you?

I definitely think sexuality is a spectrum, as in, I think a lot of people aren’t 100% gay or 100% straight. Sometimes there’s just someone who catches your eye and makes you question the box you have forced yourself in to, I.E, ‘I’m a straight married woman who can’t fancy another woman otherwise that means I’m gay and shouldn’t be married to a man.’

So, in short, I understand the feelings of attraction to the same sex occasionally. I have a male DP but have had a couple of experiences where I’ve felt sexually attracted to a woman. I have admired from a distance though because I don’t feel keen to actually take that leap, it’s more a fantasy and I’m happy to keep it that way.

I agree the unsolicited stalking on social media followed up by the message is inappropriate though, and I don’t feel that was rational for you to have done that. It is rather creepy, sorry OP!

I'd guess possible hormones and desires ?

I get the same. Really inappropriate crushes on a younger woman every now and then despite being with DH for 14 years!

I have DD’s in their early 20’s and the thought of women in their 40’s lusting after them and in OP’s case calling them hot horrifies me! I somehow expect women to be better than men in this regard but clearly not.

If the young woman mentions it to her manager, the OP my find herself forced to steer clear of the shop.

Though at least women are less dangerous than men on the whole.

Did you private message her or comment on a photo? One is slightly less creepy than the other.

That's not going to make her any less creeped out to be fair.

Yeah because that makes all the difference.

Fancying her is fair enough but you are married and so messaging her wasn’t appropriate, but you know that. Just enjoy it as a little fantasy crush but don’t approach or message her as she may be uncomfortable x

Have a read up on ‘Limerence’. It can be triggered by hormones (so peri menopause). It’s usually not the actual person you desire but the situation - or what they represent. It will induce feelings of wanting to know everything about them eg- social media stalking etc… trying to bump into them…. You’ve at least realised it’s not appropriate and in well balanced people our common sense over rides the compulsions that limerence evokes.

Do not feed it- know that it’s not real feelings. It’ll go , can take up to three years mind but can also go in as little as three weeks. It can come as a “thump” (like a sudden shock to the body) a sudden realisation and can disappear just as sudden also. But disappear it will. Many marriages have unfortunately be irreparably damaged by limerence before the adulterer comes to a realisation it wasn’t real feelings. They act on their compulsions without any regard for loved ones and the damage they cause.
You know it’s wrong, you recognise it so distract yourself and ignore.

Well, it kind of does. If a man I had to see regularly was messaging me, I'd be worried about being sexually assaulted, quite frankly. Not so much if it were a woman.