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Original poster

I have a mad crush on a young woman. What the fuck is wrong with me? Midlife crisis?!

176 replies

MadCrush · 01/09/2023 20:31

Im 40, married, been with my husband for the best part of 25 years. I adore him, he's hilarious, we have a great relationship and children.

Theres a neighbour down the road, she is 23, gay and fucking beautiful.

I'm mainly straight but every 5 or so years I will see a woman that gives me that absolute fanny gallops, before even having spoken to them.

This young woman is doing the same.
She works in a shop that I have to frequent on the daily.
I went through an absolute mental 5 minutes and followed her on fb (we know each other loosely through friends and neighbours) and stupidly told her she was hot.
she was gracious but a brick response - understandably!

I had a realisation that I was basically a dirty old married woman letching on a beautiful woman, which is a fucking horrible feeling as I've been on the receiving end.

I acknowledged my mistake with her for the same reasons above and unfollowed her.

BUT I can't stop thinking about her! She's so fit! And I'm so married! And old!

what the FUCK is wrong with me?!

is it middle age?!

OP posts:
Mindovermatter247 · 01/09/2023 22:30

Been with DP 19 years, I’m totally straight, Only one woman made me feel like that and it was lucy bronze, I know I have no chance so it’s all good.

Dungeonsandwagons · 01/09/2023 22:31

40 is pretty young for peri-menopause. Also it’s no excuse for being a weird letch!!

Did you literally just message her saying ‘you’re hot’?

If a 60 yr old stranger had done that to you would you take that as a compliment? No, you’d think them grubby and gross.

But, it was a moment of madness. Forget about it and move on. And don’t do it again!

Clafoutie · 01/09/2023 22:33

If it is any help OP, I think it is a good sign that you are taking this seriously (as you do seem to be). Not because of a moral aspect ( I don’t think any of us are in a position to judge each other, and you do seem to have an awareness of how you might have negatively impacted this woman) but more because of what it might help you to think about regarding your own relationship, and/or maybe even your sexuality. The fact that, as you say yourself, had she responded favourably towards you, you feel you may not have been able to stop yourself from making what most likely would have been a horrendous mistake is worth taking seriously I think. It would probably be best not to beat yourself up about this as that could mean nothing positive comes out of it in terms of a better understanding of what might have caused this. I’m sure hormones heighten feelings and make us more impulsive, but they might not be the whole reason. I hope you can figure this out in time, and feel better in yourself as it can be horrible to feel like this. Flowers

Dungeonsandwagons · 01/09/2023 22:34

It's what we're here to do biologically speaking. Enjoy the crush!

I mean women wanting to shag other women is the worst example of this! It doesn’t make a baby!

WunWun · 01/09/2023 22:34

VeridicalVagabond · 01/09/2023 21:05

I'm sure all you people saying this is fine and harmless would be equally fine with your husbands adding a gorgeous 23 year old on Facebook and messaging her telling her she's hot 🙄

This.

Such fucking double standards on here.

PurpleChrayne · 01/09/2023 22:38

Janieforever · 01/09/2023 20:48

Wtaf on these responses. If this was a 40 year old bloke perving on a 23 year old woman the responses would be very different.

But women are different to men. The implications of an older woman admiring a younger woman are not the same as if it were a man.

DuplicateUserName · 01/09/2023 22:38

For those who think the OP is taking it seriously....

And I dread to think what would happen if she would have replied - or worse still been keen to meet. I think I would have done, and I'm really really ashamed to say that.

Bollocks is she, she's still hopeful her lechy message will be reciprocated, so she can cheat on her husband.

TeapotTitties · 01/09/2023 22:42

PurpleChrayne · 01/09/2023 22:38

But women are different to men. The implications of an older woman admiring a younger woman are not the same as if it were a man.

Show quote history

The absence of a penis doesn't necessarily make women feel less uncomfortable or less scared of unwanted attention from virtual strangers.

Especially when they can't avoid them due to their job.

Disturbia81 · 01/09/2023 22:51

Janieforever · 01/09/2023 20:48

Wtaf on these responses. If this was a 40 year old bloke perving on a 23 year old woman the responses would be very different.

Yep.. Don't be grim OP.

EvilElsa · 01/09/2023 23:00

contacting her and calling her hot was creepy and gross. My niece is a similar age and gets occasional messages from married men in their 40s and it's not flattering - it's grim and pervy and she finds it's revolting. Not only that, if it was your husband messaging the 23 year old down the road calling her hot there would be outrage and you'd be obviously devastated.
At least you know you've done wrong and won't do it again.

Fallingthroughclouds · 01/09/2023 23:14

For those of you saying a 40 year old thinking a 23 year old is attractive is pervy I think you are deluding yourself that most men don't find sexy younger woman hot. It may make us feel uncomfortable, but it's everyday stuff. Hardly shocking and I don't think it's perverse. It's just human nature.

EvilElsa · 01/09/2023 23:35

Fallingthroughclouds · 01/09/2023 23:14

For those of you saying a 40 year old thinking a 23 year old is attractive is pervy I think you are deluding yourself that most men don't find sexy younger woman hot. It may make us feel uncomfortable, but it's everyday stuff. Hardly shocking and I don't think it's perverse. It's just human nature.

Of course they do.
It's the being married and social media stalking and messaging the 23 year old telling her she is hot that's pervy. Unsolicited messages to a 20 year younger person you fancy when you are "happily" married is gross. From the blunt replies I'd imagine the 23 year old thought so too. Even the OP acknowledges she felt dirty.
I had a bloke do this to me when I was 19 and he was 45 and married. Before the times of social media, but he would come into my workplace all the time, stare at me, tell me I was beautiful. It was fucking awful and not flattering at all. I just saw him as this sad old letch. That might have been "human nature" but he could have at least kept it to himself.

Perfectlystill · 01/09/2023 23:44

Gross that you messaged her. Urgh.

TeapotTitties · 01/09/2023 23:49

Fallingthroughclouds · 01/09/2023 23:14

For those of you saying a 40 year old thinking a 23 year old is attractive is pervy I think you are deluding yourself that most men don't find sexy younger woman hot. It may make us feel uncomfortable, but it's everyday stuff. Hardly shocking and I don't think it's perverse. It's just human nature.

Way to miss the point, was it deliberate or accidental?

The message was pervy. People can think what they like in their own heads, sharing it is what crosses a line.

Nih · 02/09/2023 00:03

liverpoolgal82 · 01/09/2023 21:21

Have a read up on ‘Limerence’. It can be triggered by hormones (so peri menopause). It’s usually not the actual person you desire but the situation - or what they represent. It will induce feelings of wanting to know everything about them eg- social media stalking etc… trying to bump into them…. You’ve at least realised it’s not appropriate and in well balanced people our common sense over rides the compulsions that limerence evokes.

Do not feed it- know that it’s not real feelings. It’ll go , can take up to three years mind but can also go in as little as three weeks. It can come as a “thump” (like a sudden shock to the body) a sudden realisation and can disappear just as sudden also. But disappear it will. Many marriages have unfortunately be irreparably damaged by limerence before the adulterer comes to a realisation it wasn’t real feelings. They act on their compulsions without any regard for loved ones and the damage they cause.
You know it’s wrong, you recognise it so distract yourself and ignore.

Edited

You beat me to it. I came on to suggest limerence too.

I recognise what the OP is describing all too well. I was there myself earlier in the year, although it was mutual to begin with and no age gap, and I'm still not over it despite having him blocked.

OP it will fizzle out but you need to steer well clear. Block and avoid like the plague.

Trust me. No good will come of this.

Palindrone · 02/09/2023 00:24

I'm 45, happily married for donkey's years, still find DH attractive.

In the past year, I've become deeply infatuated with a 20-something man - model looks, talented, wildly successful, adorable personality.

DH is aware and wholly unbothered because my crush is a K-Pop megastar who lives 5000 miles away, speaks a different language, and is more than likely gay.

I recognise I'm having a midlife crisis. My hormones are haywire thanks to the perimenopause and I'm mourning the loss of my youth.

Thank fuck my feelings aren't projected towards any 20-somethings I know in real life and there's no temptation to act on them. My situation is embarrassing enough but that would be a whole other level of cringe.

Dungeonsandwagons · 02/09/2023 00:37

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ElizabethBest · 02/09/2023 00:37

The crush is normal. I would move mountains for Florence Pugh.

Messaging her is so fucking wrong, creepy and inappropriate. WTF were you thinking?????

KissyMissy · 02/09/2023 00:39

Eww this is so wrong

Palindrone · 02/09/2023 00:56

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Thanks. I'm sure he's deeply tramautised by the feelings of someone he doesn't even know exists.

Dungeonsandwagons · 02/09/2023 01:14

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Palindrone · 02/09/2023 01:48

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He's a multimillionaire due to millions of people worldwide of every age, race, sexual orientation, and level of attractiveness wanting to fuck him. Perhaps I'm sad to have a fantasy or perhaps I'm just human?

CheekyHobson · 02/09/2023 01:49

People marry - their desires don't die.

Nobody said people's desires have to die. The problem is the OP has such a massive sense of entitlement to the attention of the young person she has a crush on that she actually reached out to her on social media in order to make a comment about how hot she finds her.

OP is married and for all we know the young woman may be in a relationship, so it's a completely inappropriate thing to do, and most likely made the young woman feel gross and uncomfortable, not flattered. She presumably has a mirror so she already knows she's attractive. She doesn't need to know that a middle-aged lady who she has no actual relationship with is viewing her as some kind of delicious sex object.

sofasofa42 · 02/09/2023 01:53

I call bullshit on this. @mnhq .

Ladyj84 · 02/09/2023 02:15

Wow and if this was a woman's husband doing this he would be slated good and proper.

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