Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a mad crush on a young woman. What the fuck is wrong with me? Midlife crisis?!

176 replies

MadCrush · 01/09/2023 20:31

Im 40, married, been with my husband for the best part of 25 years. I adore him, he's hilarious, we have a great relationship and children.

Theres a neighbour down the road, she is 23, gay and fucking beautiful.

I'm mainly straight but every 5 or so years I will see a woman that gives me that absolute fanny gallops, before even having spoken to them.

This young woman is doing the same.
She works in a shop that I have to frequent on the daily.
I went through an absolute mental 5 minutes and followed her on fb (we know each other loosely through friends and neighbours) and stupidly told her she was hot.
she was gracious but a brick response - understandably!

I had a realisation that I was basically a dirty old married woman letching on a beautiful woman, which is a fucking horrible feeling as I've been on the receiving end.

I acknowledged my mistake with her for the same reasons above and unfollowed her.

BUT I can't stop thinking about her! She's so fit! And I'm so married! And old!

what the FUCK is wrong with me?!

is it middle age?!

OP posts:
MoreOfAWooza · 02/09/2023 12:43

Gross.

Im 40 and my son is almost that age.

Poor girl.

AllOfThemWitches · 02/09/2023 12:54

Disturbia81 · 02/09/2023 12:02

This exactly. I see them in a motherly protective way. I can see people of all different ages are objectively attractive but nothing more.

Show quote history

Same, I'm mid 30s and can't even imagine finding someone in their early 20s sexually attractive.

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 13:10

WunWun · 02/09/2023 12:34

The double standard is that she's treating her husband like shit and barely anyone here has commented on it. If someone had commented to say their husband had done the same people would be telling them to leave him.

Show quote history

They’ve barely commented because they’ve been too busy retching about the idea that a 40 year old woman might have sexual feelings for someone younger.

No one is disputing that it’s wrong to send that message when you’re married.

But the married bit is in fact the only bit that makes it wrong. So it’s ironic that that’s not what people are focusing on.

Instead they are aghast at this yucky age difference thing 🙄 And wailing about how OP is a scary predator, just like a man. 🙄🙄

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 13:12

tuvamoodyson · 02/09/2023 12:26

Personally, as a straight woman, another woman telling me I was ‘hot’ would, quite frankly, turn my stomach and I wouldn’t think it was a compliment!

Show quote history

Bit homophobic, don’t you think?

HauntedPencil · 02/09/2023 13:20

No issue whatsoever with it being a female. But I do think it's a hefty age gap and it being even more awkward being a neighbour of hers.

Beezknees · 02/09/2023 13:43

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 13:10

They’ve barely commented because they’ve been too busy retching about the idea that a 40 year old woman might have sexual feelings for someone younger.

No one is disputing that it’s wrong to send that message when you’re married.

But the married bit is in fact the only bit that makes it wrong. So it’s ironic that that’s not what people are focusing on.

Instead they are aghast at this yucky age difference thing 🙄 And wailing about how OP is a scary predator, just like a man. 🙄🙄

Show quote history

Actually I think it would be inappropriate to facebook stalk and message someone telling them they're hot even if they were single. I would not like someone to do that to me, and age or sex doesn't even come into it.

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 14:05

Beezknees · 02/09/2023 13:43

Actually I think it would be inappropriate to facebook stalk and message someone telling them they're hot even if they were single. I would not like someone to do that to me, and age or sex doesn't even come into it.

Show quote history

What is your definition of ‘facebook stalk’ here? OP mentioned ‘following’, but as far as I know you request friend status on fb rather than ‘following’? It’s fine to request someone as a friend, surely? And sending someone a message after they’ve accepted your friend request is not weird? In this case, the content of the message was wrong, of course.

But fb is for making connections, so that in itself surely isn’t weird?

JammyThing · 02/09/2023 14:10

MattDamon · 02/09/2023 11:07

What part don't you get? She's a masc lesbian who is hot as hell.

Show quote history

The part where you compared her to a man. HTH.

Lampzade · 02/09/2023 14:12

AllOfThemWitches · 02/09/2023 12:54

Same, I'm mid 30s and can't even imagine finding someone in their early 20s sexually attractive.

Show quote history

This

Southeastdweller · 02/09/2023 14:15

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 13:10

They’ve barely commented because they’ve been too busy retching about the idea that a 40 year old woman might have sexual feelings for someone younger.

No one is disputing that it’s wrong to send that message when you’re married.

But the married bit is in fact the only bit that makes it wrong. So it’s ironic that that’s not what people are focusing on.

Instead they are aghast at this yucky age difference thing 🙄 And wailing about how OP is a scary predator, just like a man. 🙄🙄

Show quote history

But for you the ‘yucky’ age difference is also wrong, isn’t it? So why not just say so?

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 14:21

Southeastdweller · 02/09/2023 14:15

But for you the ‘yucky’ age difference is also wrong, isn’t it? So why not just say so?

Show quote history

Err no. I was using ‘yucky’ in a sarcastic way to convey how other posters seem to feel. The age difference could easily be irrelevant to many relationships. The issue here is that people are repulsed by the idea of a woman in her (gasp!) 40s having sexual feelings for someone younger.

DoggoMcDogface · 02/09/2023 14:25

Creepy af. If it’s even real. Let’s not blame hormones for creepy and inappropriate behaviour.

tuvamoodyson · 02/09/2023 14:27

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 13:12

Bit homophobic, don’t you think?

Show quote history

No, no problem with gay people at all! But I certainly do not want to be hit on by a woman in much the same way as a lesbian wouldn’t want to be hit on by a man…so, no, not homophobic in the least!

Southeastdweller · 02/09/2023 14:28

@Myfavouritepenguin Yes, I hadn’t properly read your message. So sorry for misunderstanding.

MichaelAndersen · 02/09/2023 14:30

Can we not devolve this conversation into “If OP were a man …”? and instead stay on topic and try to help OP and the actual problem before us?

Beezknees · 02/09/2023 17:17

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 14:05

What is your definition of ‘facebook stalk’ here? OP mentioned ‘following’, but as far as I know you request friend status on fb rather than ‘following’? It’s fine to request someone as a friend, surely? And sending someone a message after they’ve accepted your friend request is not weird? In this case, the content of the message was wrong, of course.

But fb is for making connections, so that in itself surely isn’t weird?

Show quote history

I wouldn't want a friend request from someone I'd seen at the shops and didn't know much about. I just have friends and family on Facebook, as do most people I know.

Original poster
MadCrush · 02/09/2023 17:37

It wasn't Facebook to be fair, that was a mistake on my end.

It was Instagram, and she has a public profile.

It just shows my age that my default is to say fb but it was actually Instagram.

I have been well and truly told, and again I appreciate the cold water .

OP posts:
AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 02/09/2023 17:41

Janieforever · 01/09/2023 20:48

Wtaf on these responses. If this was a 40 year old bloke perving on a 23 year old woman the responses would be very different.

Right???

Disturbia81 · 02/09/2023 17:46

The reason OP is getting a hard time, is because she should know better after experiencing a lifetime of perving from older men.
We'd be accused of being hypocrites if we didn't judge OP as we would an older man.
40 is not old. But it's too old in comparison. Imagine how you felt at that girls age

HauntedPencil · 02/09/2023 17:49

MichaelAndersen · 02/09/2023 14:30

Can we not devolve this conversation into “If OP were a man …”? and instead stay on topic and try to help OP and the actual problem before us?

Aside from turn your router off what else is there to say?

TeapotTitties · 02/09/2023 17:53

MichaelAndersen · 02/09/2023 14:30

Can we not devolve this conversation into “If OP were a man …”? and instead stay on topic and try to help OP and the actual problem before us?

Well no we can't because a lot of people think the hypocrisy from some is relevant.

Also, how do you mean 'help' the OP?

In what way do you think she needs helping?

YukoandHiro · 02/09/2023 18:04

In my 40s and had a similar moment hormone moment recently, albeit with a younger guy, who lives nearby. Luckily I didn't say anything but was messaging a friend about him - and then realised it was utterly grim behaviour and if it was a man texting about a girl I would have been disgusted.
This is also after half a decade of feeling completely sexually dead due to young children, breastfeeding etc.
I do think it is both peri hormones and your brain trying not to tell you it's not over for you yet as a PP said.

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 02/09/2023 18:05

Janieforever · 01/09/2023 20:48

Wtaf on these responses. If this was a 40 year old bloke perving on a 23 year old woman the responses would be very different.

This tbh.

Myfavouritepenguin · 02/09/2023 18:23

Hmmm. Still not convinced we need to go full ‘pearl-clutching’ here. OP is clearly no danger. She’s sent an ill-advised message and then backed right off. It’s not exactly dick-pic territory.

Original poster
MadCrush · 02/09/2023 18:29

YukoandHiro · 02/09/2023 18:04

In my 40s and had a similar moment hormone moment recently, albeit with a younger guy, who lives nearby. Luckily I didn't say anything but was messaging a friend about him - and then realised it was utterly grim behaviour and if it was a man texting about a girl I would have been disgusted.
This is also after half a decade of feeling completely sexually dead due to young children, breastfeeding etc.
I do think it is both peri hormones and your brain trying not to tell you it's not over for you yet as a PP said.

Thank you for this.
I too have done a decade of breastfeeding and young children and now recently free from that.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread