I have a mad crush on a young woman. What the fuck is wrong with me? Midlife crisis?!

[MadCrush]

Im 40, married, been with my husband for the best part of 25 years. I adore him, he's hilarious, we have a great relationship and children.

Theres a neighbour down the road, she is 23, gay and fucking beautiful.

I'm mainly straight but every 5 or so years I will see a woman that gives me that absolute fanny gallops, before even having spoken to them.

This young woman is doing the same.
She works in a shop that I have to frequent on the daily.
I went through an absolute mental 5 minutes and followed her on fb (we know each other loosely through friends and neighbours) and stupidly told her she was hot.
she was gracious but a brick response - understandably!

I had a realisation that I was basically a dirty old married woman letching on a beautiful woman, which is a fucking horrible feeling as I've been on the receiving end.

I acknowledged my mistake with her for the same reasons above and unfollowed her.

BUT I can't stop thinking about her! She's so fit! And I'm so married! And old!

what the FUCK is wrong with me?!

is it middle age?!

She’s not regularly messaging her. I think you’ve misunderstood the op.

There are plenty of other reasons this young woman may feel scared and uncomfortable.

The fact she's less likely to be sexually assaulted won't necessarily make her feel any better.

What the OP did was at best very selfish and at worst bloody pervy.

Well it's more the equivalent of someone's husband approaching a young man of 23 on Facebook and telling him he's hot.

I think you’ve misread the post that you’re replying to.

LTB comes to mind! 😅 The double standards here when it's a woman is so hypocritical.

You mention your husband at the start of your post but then not again and I think that's crucial. You'd have cheated on him with a neighbour and someone you see every day. Really unbelievably cruel and selfish. What you did was bad enough.

Fair play realising the creepy / pervy side of her age / messaging but you're really minimising the part about messaging someone outside your marriage and telling them they're hot in the presumed hope they'd jump into bed with you. You are married to man you say is great and have kids together. I'd be taking a very long hard look at myself. And no, hormones isn't an excuse.

It's just natural.

It's what we're here to do biologically speaking. Enjoy the crush!

It's just natural for a married woman to make the young woman half her age who works in her local shop, feel extremely uncomfortable with unsolicited opinions about how 'hot' they find them?

Really? Since when please?

If I found out my ‘husband’ was messaging a 23 year old man from the local shop to say he was hot I’d be very concerned ..and certainly leave him.

the crush isn’t the problem OP. It’s the actions. You actually reached out to try and start something?

It may be hormones driving the feelings yes, but that’s not what’s driving your actions. How is your marriage? Do you find your husband sexually attractive? Do you have regular sex?

Crushes are perfectly normal but the action of tracking down the crush on social media, friending them and then making contact is not normal. That’s the concern here.

Just because it's not 'socially acceptable' doesn't mean it's not normal.

People marry - their desires don't die.

You’re only 40 - not old and who knows, she might fancy you.
But you’re married, so forget it,.

Exactly this. It is a double standard that people seem to want to minimise.

God how embarrassing.

you should have just kept it to yourself. Messaging her was highly inappropriate, creepy, and bordering cheating/going behind his back behaviour to your husband.

Jeez.

The double standards on here are ASTOUNDING sometimes.

Have a very cold shower OP and don't communicate in any way with her again.

You KNOW this is totally inappropriate and sleazy. You would be really hurt if your DH told you he really fancied a 23 year old and had told her she was Hot.

Maybe because it is totally different if it's an older man, not a woman, for completely bloody obvious reasons.

@floribunda18 she is married

Don’t do anymore, you sound a bit like my mother and that didn’t end well for her

So what? Bit stupid to think when you get married you never fancy anyone else ever again. The only difference is that you choose not to act on it.

It's not normal to stalk people on social media and send them pervy messages, especially when you're married and twice that person's age.

The fact you think it is, is disturbing.

So true @Janieforever , MN double standards alert

23 is not a young kid.
40 is not old.

With that said, I feel your actions were wrong and disrespectful to your DH as well as making the woman in question uncomfortable.

Do enlighten us with what I assume is more standard MN sexist claptrap?

It’s literally the same thing - it’s creepy from either gender!

OP I think you don't need more advice - you have realised that the compliment was inappropriate and you will stay away from your crush.

I can tell you though that it's been reassuring for me to learn here, by accident, that I am not alone in living heterosexually while getting occasional gay crushes.

The intensity may have to do with perimenopause hormones, or just with the fact that there are unlived versions of your life and they bother you more as you get older.

Either way, you checked yourself in time. Don't be too hard on yourself (and ignore the sanctimony).

Hopefully she’s blocked you.