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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do I feel miffed DH is suggesting a 4 day week for him?

195 replies

Callistone · 01/09/2023 18:35

Think I might be being U…

2 DC, 7 and 11. Both DH and I work f/t. Me 9-5, three days from home, two commuting into the city. Him now entirely flexible with 1-3 days in the city per week.

Background, which is important to me, is he worked shifts for the past decade. I stayed mostly f/t, working all week, often on my own with the kids evening and weekends. He’s been in this new role 6 months.

He wants to work Mon to Thurs 7 till 5 or 8-6. He can take breaks when needed for the school run (annoyingly long some days due to the distance to school) and can work on the train while commuting. His argument is he can do housework on his long weekends.

I’m… possibly bitter? Jealous? During shift work he used to have whole days off to himself during the school week. Now he’ll get a whole day off during the week again. I’m worried his long hours those 4 days might yet again leaving me to manage the kids before and after my working day. He’s alright pulling his weight but somewhat woolly on the daily tasks that still need doing - laundry, homework, lunch boxes etc. I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

I can’t shake this feeling it’ll work out better for him but I won’t see any benefit here. I’m probably being very U. Am I? Or am I justified in being unsure of this?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 18:42

I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

Why would this be terrible?

I’m a bit unclear how he’ll both condense his hours to work 4 days and also be able to take long school run breaks and also commute 3 days a week…

5128gap · 01/09/2023 18:48

I think rather than focus on the benefits to him, I'd think more about what are the disadvantages to you. That way you can't be accused of coming at it from a place of resentment of his good fortune compared to yours. When you're clear about how it could make your life worse, then you're ready for the conversation about how he will mitigate that.

HauntedPencil · 01/09/2023 18:48

To be honest yes jts unreasonable if he's not dropping pay and staying full time and it's not really impacting you in any way. It'll be handy in the school holidays.

lionsleepstonight · 01/09/2023 18:50

Finishes work and goes straight to make dinner for the family?

Bastard.

Inthisspace · 01/09/2023 18:51

Perhaps if he had some child free time in the week he could do the same for you at the weekend?

misssunshine4040 · 01/09/2023 18:52

He sounds great, you are being unreasonable

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/09/2023 18:54

How much managing can a 7 and 11 year old need? At least the 11 year old should be capable of getting himself ready for bed and sitting doing his homework mostly unaided.

Rtc12 · 01/09/2023 18:54

Will you have to do drop off and pick ups for the 4 days he works or can he still do that? Maybe you need to think of jobs he can do to help the family on his day off? Food shop, clean the house etc. That way on a weekend neither of you have to do those things

Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 18:54

God. Is this your only problem??
Finishing work and making dinner straight away...?

Flipflopflopflip · 01/09/2023 18:54

You sound jealous

Hawkins0009 · 01/09/2023 18:54

All the best op

TomatoSandwiches · 01/09/2023 18:55

I think your feeling is more about the past, him getting out of parenting and weekly home life and all that entails, leaving it up to you and now he is trying to worm his way around to suit him and only him again in this new job.
I can understand the resentment but what option would you prefer?

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/09/2023 18:57

Is it household jobs or stuff with the kids you are concerned about?
My dd is small so no idea if 7 and 12 is demanding

personally id get him doing some household tasks (laundry probably) so you can all enjoy the weekends together

ThePenguinIsDrunk · 01/09/2023 18:58

I get it OP although possibly the cooking dinner example was not the best.
There's the risk that on his work days you'll get stuck doing morning with the kids getting them ready and to school as he's left for work and then the evening pick up/homework/boring stuff and get home after that and be unavailable because he's cooking and THEN on his day off he won't do anything to benefit the household or you but instead get an extra 8 hours free time.
Any chance you could also compress your hours and have a different day free?

Spacecowboys · 01/09/2023 19:01

Being able to reduce his working days to 4 sounds great. I’m not sure why you’re opposed to this when the first thing he will do after work is start cooking for the family. Plus he will work in some school runs. I’d be pleased for him that he is able to have a better work life balance.

everybody8 · 01/09/2023 19:02

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 18:42

I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

Why would this be terrible?

I’m a bit unclear how he’ll both condense his hours to work 4 days and also be able to take long school run breaks and also commute 3 days a week…

Maybe OP likes to cook

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/09/2023 19:03

lionsleepstonight · 01/09/2023 18:50

Finishes work and goes straight to make dinner for the family?

Bastard.

Making dinner, alone without the dc under foot, when someone else has had to do the shopping and will likely do all the dishes isn't work. It's avoiding work.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 01/09/2023 19:11

It could be jealousy, I think I would feel a bit jealous too. And it does sound like you know your feelings are maybe unfair. I think it could work really well for all of you if he is willing to do some housework on his day off, plus if he is happier in general it will make a much nicer atmosphere. My mum worked shifts for years when we were small and it was only after she moved to regular hours did she realize she had spent 14 years being exhausted.

I would have a honest chat with him about housework and figure how much would be reasonable for him todo on his day off, baring in mind he is also working full time. Cooking a meal is an important thing he feels he does for his family so I would embrace it and let him crack on. We all place different values on different things.

If six months down the line he is not pulling his weight and you feel resentful they maybe revisit the housework talk before the resentment grows.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/09/2023 19:12

Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 18:54

God. Is this your only problem??
Finishing work and making dinner straight away...?

Maybe she doesn't like his cooking.

Maybe she likes to cook.

Maybe he locked him self in the kitchen and she has to do all the childcare.

Maybe he leaves a complete mess in the kitchen, and it's her job to clean it up after the children have gone to bed.

neonjumper · 01/09/2023 19:12

I kind of recognise this feeling .

When the children were little I did all the hard slog .

DH is wfh since pandemic ( youngest had just started secondary). Dh took over cooking lavish dinners and being there for kids ... I was still having to go out to work during pandemic .

I was really resentful of this especially as DH family went on about how brilliant he was doing this ... yet failed to recognise that the children were/are self sufficient by this point .

It's taken me a few years to process this resentment and only because we've really had to have some in-depth communication about how this feels and the long term repercussions it had for me ... having to move jobs because I couldn't physically pick up the children on time due to travel delays , giving up promotions because I couldn't commit to longer days ( and all the other rubbish that goes with becoming the default parent ) .

WeWereInParis · 01/09/2023 19:14

I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner

So?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/09/2023 19:15

But the OP states he alright at pulling his weight, although a bit wooly at what needs doing on a day to day basis. He has also been doing drop off and pick up and cooking and has said he will do housework on his long weekend. That doesn't sound like opting out of family life.

Dragonwindow · 01/09/2023 19:17

I think if it actively makes your life harder, then you're right to have reservations. But if his life gets easier and yours stays the same, well that's just his good luck!

ReleasetheCrackHen · 01/09/2023 19:19

Callistone · 01/09/2023 18:35

Think I might be being U…

2 DC, 7 and 11. Both DH and I work f/t. Me 9-5, three days from home, two commuting into the city. Him now entirely flexible with 1-3 days in the city per week.

Background, which is important to me, is he worked shifts for the past decade. I stayed mostly f/t, working all week, often on my own with the kids evening and weekends. He’s been in this new role 6 months.

He wants to work Mon to Thurs 7 till 5 or 8-6. He can take breaks when needed for the school run (annoyingly long some days due to the distance to school) and can work on the train while commuting. His argument is he can do housework on his long weekends.

I’m… possibly bitter? Jealous? During shift work he used to have whole days off to himself during the school week. Now he’ll get a whole day off during the week again. I’m worried his long hours those 4 days might yet again leaving me to manage the kids before and after my working day. He’s alright pulling his weight but somewhat woolly on the daily tasks that still need doing - laundry, homework, lunch boxes etc. I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

I can’t shake this feeling it’ll work out better for him but I won’t see any benefit here. I’m probably being very U. Am I? Or am I justified in being unsure of this?

Yes, YABU
This is a great opportunity for one of you to do more for the children & house
Child care and cooking dinner ARE daily tasks.
So is the school run?

You’re already seeing huge benefits from him flexible working, so I’d actually trust him on this one.

I used to work four ten hour days and I was much more rested actually having the extra day “off”. It wasn’t really off though. I’d schedule all our dentist and eye appointments and such for me and the DC on my weekday that was off…have your DH do the same.

JudgeRudy · 01/09/2023 19:21

I'm guessing you're ranking with the emotions of this yourself so maybe it'll help to make a few 'bullet points' to iron out before you make a decision.
You've said you can see lots of benefits for him but none for you. Why is that a problem? Is it that you're envious (then you're unreasonable) or is it that you don't trust him and feel they'll be lots of downsides for you...if so you're reasonable to say no, but is he lieing or does he believe its a win win? If you think he's lieing (whether he is or not) there are bigger issues in your relationship.
I think what you're basically saying is 'I don't trust you'...the question is why?