Page 5 | Why do I feel miffed DH is suggesting a 4 day week for him?

Callistone · 2023-09-01T17:35:51+00:00

Think I might be being U… 2 DC, 7 and 11. Both DH and I work f/t. Me 9-5, three days from home, two commuting into the city. Him now entirely flexible with 1-3 days in the city per week. Background, which is important to me, is he worked shifts for the past decade. I stayed mostly f/t, working all week, often on my own with the kids evening and weekends. He’s been in this new role 6 months. He wants to work Mon to Thurs 7 till 5 or 8-6. He can take breaks when needed for the school run (annoyingly long some days due to the distance to school) and can work on the train while commuting. His argument is he can do housework on his long weekends. I’m… possibly bitter? Jealous? During shift work he used to have whole days off to himself during the school week. Now he’ll get a whole day off during the week again. I’m worried his long hours those 4 days might yet again leaving me to manage the kids before and after my working day. He’s alright pulling his weight but somewhat woolly on the daily tasks that still need doing - laundry, homework, lunch boxes etc. I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family). I can’t shake this feeling it’ll work out better for him but I won’t see any benefit here. I’m probably being very U. Am I? Or am I justified in being unsure of this?

Fizbosshoes · 02/09/2023 00:08

Callistone · 01/09/2023 20:05

I am jealous a bit, I’m not above admitting that. I’d been looking forward to having something resembling normal life after a decade of shift work, of not being the only person doing the evening clubs and homework and all that. I suppose I’m worried that it will fall to me again on those 4 days, but I can also admit that might not be entirely rational. It feels like a lot of baggage from the past ten years that sometimes rears it’s head. I can’t flex my hours like he does or condense my days due to the nature of my work.

On paper yes, he should be using the extra day off to do some of the bigger housework, and hopefully that will happen. Time will tell. I’m probably being far to cynical with no real reason.

I see how the dinner example looks like ridiculous sour grapes from me 😂 That comes from DH always making time intensive meals, and as I mentioned, refusing to eat meals I cook. I’m not a great cook but can manage perfectly acceptable basics. Most of the time I really appreciate the cooking but some nights I do think, ffs, we don’t need to use every pan in the kitchen to make something from scratch, can’t we just whack some potatoes in the oven so we can spend the time playing a game with the kids instead?

Are we married to the same person? My DH is the same about food (and my cooking!)

The thing I feel aggrieved and jealous about is that he genuinely feels he is taking half the load by cooking and food shopping ....but he does it because he enjoys it. Listens to sport on the radio, has a beer etc, it's quite relaxing and often takes ages
He doesn't however get the same enthusiasm for putting away ingredients or clearing up the kitchen afterwards....so those chores get left to me. And there is no enjoyment factor in wiping all the surfaces and clearing/washing the 78 pots and utensils he used. Neither do I enjoy sorting all the school admin, vacuuming, laundry, cleaning bathrooms and 100 other tasks. (I dont mind ironing because you can watch TV at the same time!)

Lavender14 · 02/09/2023 00:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable for having concerns about what this would mean for your family and for your day to day. I'm presuming that he is going to work longer hours to give himself the day off so will still be full time. I think you need to sit down together and work out what that routine would mean for division of labour and who will take responsibility for what and when and then use a family planner for accountability if needed. If you can find a balance that works then no reason not to try it.

Mikimoto · 02/09/2023 07:26

He works 10-hour shifts then makes delicious home-made dinners? Boo-hoo.
Can't you just be happy for him?

PinkCherryBlossoms · 02/09/2023 08:18

Bananaanaana · 01/09/2023 22:11

I think it has to be a balance @DonnaBanana . If one person loves cooking and food, and the other is happy with a sandwich, it’s not reasonable for the foodie to cook elaborate meals every night if it means the non-foodie has to pick up the boring stuff. If you clean excessively and in doing so avoid doing the cooking or childcare, your partner might feel resentful.

I think this is what it comes down to.

The more foodie partner is unilaterally deciding that they'll increase the amount of work that needs to be done in the home, and that the other partner's share will include more/all of the frazzling shitwork, because they like cooking from scratch every night. The less foodie partner gets no say in this at all, and doesn't get the same benefit as the foodie either. Of course this creates resentment.

If he absolutely refuses to tolerate jacket potatoes or similar a couple of nights a week, he at least needs to agree on batch cooking sometimes. Do enough for two nights sometimes, or stock the freezer with home made curries and pasta sauces if he doesn't like to have the same thing two nights consecutively. There has to be a compromise.

ZonedIn · 02/09/2023 08:26

OP Would it help if he agreed to do certain things on his day at home? All DC medical/dental/eye appointments, being in for parcels/gas meter reader/deliveries, doing the big food shop and putting it away, any errands like picking up prescriptions or taking a child after school for new shoes/school trousers etc as they’ve grown out of them, taking car for MOT/service? That’s the sort of thing that should take some burden off you.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 02/09/2023 08:36

If there are evening clubs requiring lifts, I think it needs to be agreed that a certain number of these are his responsibility entirely. He can fit his cooking in around that.

converseandjeans · 02/09/2023 09:07

It sounds like he will still be FT but over 4 days, so financially no issue.

Can you afford to drop down to 4 days & have a different day off?

I think you said on days he can wfh that he will collect the children from school. Then start on dinner when he has finished? So he seems to be contributing?

I don't think on paper he is really doing anything wrong tbh.

Original poster

Callistone · 02/09/2023 09:11

Yes, on paper in looks fine but I just worry that we’ll slip back to what we had before with me doing the boring stuff. PP are right about the performance cooking!

We’ve had a brief conversation this morning about needing to be much more organised with shopping and food planning (he tends to decide on the day what he fancies cooking and then someone has to go to the shop and buy that, which drives me nuts) and making sure there’s stuff in for lunch boxes. He looked mildly unimpressed by this, he’s very much not a planner…

OP posts:

PinkCherryBlossoms · 02/09/2023 09:14

Callistone · 02/09/2023 09:11

Yes, on paper in looks fine but I just worry that we’ll slip back to what we had before with me doing the boring stuff. PP are right about the performance cooking!

We’ve had a brief conversation this morning about needing to be much more organised with shopping and food planning (he tends to decide on the day what he fancies cooking and then someone has to go to the shop and buy that, which drives me nuts) and making sure there’s stuff in for lunch boxes. He looked mildly unimpressed by this, he’s very much not a planner…

In that case, I definitely think the way forward is that he has full responsibility for certain jobs. The cooking can be fit round that.

bigredboat · 02/09/2023 09:15

Can he take the kids to an activity on a Saturday morning so you get a break and time to yourself?

billy1966 · 02/09/2023 09:20

OP, i think you have every right to be pissed off.

You are not a team.

He is 100% about looking after himself.

I wouldn't be going for this.

I wouldn't be one bit impressed with how selfish he is.

Woman2023 · 02/09/2023 09:26

ThePenguinIsDrunk · 01/09/2023 18:58

I get it OP although possibly the cooking dinner example was not the best.
There's the risk that on his work days you'll get stuck doing morning with the kids getting them ready and to school as he's left for work and then the evening pick up/homework/boring stuff and get home after that and be unavailable because he's cooking and THEN on his day off he won't do anything to benefit the household or you but instead get an extra 8 hours free time.
Any chance you could also compress your hours and have a different day free?

I can see this as a problem. He's thinking of arranging his life to be as flexible as possible, a 3 day weekend. It would be fantastic if he covered shopping/laundry/housekeeping on that day so the rest of the week was a lot more relaxed. But in practice he will get more daytime free and the OP will have to pick up more boring repetitive child parenting at the start and end of the day.

It might work for some but i can see your concerns.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 02/09/2023 09:32

"someone will have to do the shopping...
He's not a planner..."
And here it is. OP, instead of your husband taking responsibility for his fancy menus, you have been his kitchen brigade. Stop that. If he's such a brilliant cook, he can learn to cook with what's available in the house, or he can plan and shop ahead like the rest of us. This isn't an equal partnership. Does he do his fair share of clearing up afterwards? I'm guessing not. He needs to acknowledge that this is unfair and that your daily life is much less enjoyable than his.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 02/09/2023 09:32

I get it OP. He worked shifts for years leaving you to do the drudge work, and now after only six months of normality, he's had enough and wants to go back to long days so he still doesn't have to do the drudge work.

People focusing on him cooking dinner are missing the point - OP wants him to be available to help with wrangling the kids for school and ferrying them to activities or helping with homework - instead he'll be commuting or shut up in his office "working" while she does it all. Again.

I don't think you're being unreasonable here. He needs to think about the impact on you as well.

Woman2023 · 02/09/2023 09:35

I'm also a bit boggling at the number of people who don't seem to think 7 and 11 year olds need much parenting.

billy1966 · 02/09/2023 09:45

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 02/09/2023 09:32

I get it OP. He worked shifts for years leaving you to do the drudge work, and now after only six months of normality, he's had enough and wants to go back to long days so he still doesn't have to do the drudge work.

People focusing on him cooking dinner are missing the point - OP wants him to be available to help with wrangling the kids for school and ferrying them to activities or helping with homework - instead he'll be commuting or shut up in his office "working" while she does it all. Again.

I don't think you're being unreasonable here. He needs to think about the impact on you as well.

This.

For many years we were out multiple times a week dropping them to training/coaching.

He intends to dodge that.

He cooks fancy meals with you his skivvy shopper 🙄.

OP, kindly meant but you sound like a real doormat with a selfish lazy husband whose sole focus is suiting himself, again.

Wake up.
He's not a great father if his focus has been avoiding his children as much as possible since they were born.

It is very telling that he wants to do this so soon since finishing shift work.

He's been living more like a single man with all his free time to himself.

This is 100% about suiting himself and screwing you over again.

I really think you need to wake up to just how self an arse he is.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 02/09/2023 09:58

billy1966 · 02/09/2023 09:45

This.

For many years we were out multiple times a week dropping them to training/coaching.

He intends to dodge that.

He cooks fancy meals with you his skivvy shopper 🙄.

OP, kindly meant but you sound like a real doormat with a selfish lazy husband whose sole focus is suiting himself, again.

Wake up.
He's not a great father if his focus has been avoiding his children as much as possible since they were born.

It is very telling that he wants to do this so soon since finishing shift work.

He's been living more like a single man with all his free time to himself.

This is 100% about suiting himself and screwing you over again.

I really think you need to wake up to just how self an arse he is.

Show quote history

That’s quite a lot of judgeyness over a 4 day work week, with the 5th day used on housework. Which I did for several years as a working mum. I suppose I was avoiding my children and was a lazy selfish arse of a mother too. Good thing my DH didn’t LTB.

HauntedPencil · 02/09/2023 10:04

billy1966 · 02/09/2023 09:20

OP, i think you have every right to be pissed off.

You are not a team.

He is 100% about looking after himself.

I wouldn't be going for this.

I wouldn't be one bit impressed with how selfish he is.

I don't think the issue is the 4 day week as that works really well with kids tbh. It's with other stuff if he isn't pulling his weight as one person at home in the week can be super handy for housework, getting admin done etc. if he's jsut going to be having a nice day to himself well that's another story. He can do some of the jobs they can't do at the weekend

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/09/2023 10:11

@Callistone

I am jealous, deep down. But that’s because despite being a good husband and father there are times when he puts himself first and this smacks to me a little of it.

and that’s a bad thing why?! We all put ourselves first sometimes, if we don’t then we become a martyr and that’s no good.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 02/09/2023 10:15

Yes, I think the issue is that this DHs previous form doesn't suggest the family are going to see the benefit of the change in hours. It's not the four day week in itself, because that can be brilliant. In some households, with preschool DC, it can even save a significant amount of money.

But in this case, OP is worried with good reason that she'll end up having to do more, without DH actually taking care of a good chunk of stuff on the day off. If he's going to be leaving nearly all the getting ready in the morning, evening lifts etc to her, that's only fair if there's then fewer jobs for her at weekend.

saffronsoup · 02/09/2023 10:26

It sounds like you are a bit of a martyr. Life doesn't have to be only 100% about the kids with parents not taking time to themselves or to enjoy life. It sounds like you.

You complain he cooks but then you said you did all the dinners and childcare for 10 years while he did nothing so it seems you had a decade of getting to cook your basic meals.

I wonder if he would agree that the split in child duties and housework is as lopsided as you say it is.

You also seem to really not want him to be happy or to do anything he enjoys or to get pleasure from life. That is a you problem and being a Debbie Downer about everything is very grating on the other person. The fact you have never had a moment to yourself without the kids is on you. You could make it happen if you wanted to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/09/2023 10:57

saffronsoup · 02/09/2023 10:26

It sounds like you are a bit of a martyr. Life doesn't have to be only 100% about the kids with parents not taking time to themselves or to enjoy life. It sounds like you.

You complain he cooks but then you said you did all the dinners and childcare for 10 years while he did nothing so it seems you had a decade of getting to cook your basic meals.

I wonder if he would agree that the split in child duties and housework is as lopsided as you say it is.

You also seem to really not want him to be happy or to do anything he enjoys or to get pleasure from life. That is a you problem and being a Debbie Downer about everything is very grating on the other person. The fact you have never had a moment to yourself without the kids is on you. You could make it happen if you wanted to.

@Callistone

this 👆

WashableVelvet · 02/09/2023 10:57

ReleasetheCrackHen · 01/09/2023 23:34

Don’t forget he’s doing his fair share of the manic panic school runs.

Sorry, but are you Mrs Hinch? Or a cleanfluencer? I haven’t met anyone that thinks cooking and housework projects are “lovely” and an opportunity to let your “mind wander”?

Show quote history

😂😂 no, I’m a social media avoiding scruff, but your comment made me laugh and I see where you’re coming from. Thing is, each week I have a couple of solo mornings/evenings when DH is working away, and a few hours of kid-free time when I batch cook and do life admin. And I love the second of those and hate the first. To be fair though, our DCs are younger so that might make a big difference to my perception of which kind of time is nice vs drudgery!

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 02/09/2023 10:59

It sounds like you are a bit of a martyr. Life doesn't have to be only 100% about the kids with parents not taking time to themselves or to enjoy life.

I don't think OP wants life to be 100% about the kids - she just wants her husband to stop changing his working hours so that he's conveniently unavailable for the most stressful parts of the day.

WandaWonder · 02/09/2023 11:03

saffronsoup · 02/09/2023 10:26

It sounds like you are a bit of a martyr. Life doesn't have to be only 100% about the kids with parents not taking time to themselves or to enjoy life. It sounds like you.

You complain he cooks but then you said you did all the dinners and childcare for 10 years while he did nothing so it seems you had a decade of getting to cook your basic meals.

I wonder if he would agree that the split in child duties and housework is as lopsided as you say it is.

You also seem to really not want him to be happy or to do anything he enjoys or to get pleasure from life. That is a you problem and being a Debbie Downer about everything is very grating on the other person. The fact you have never had a moment to yourself without the kids is on you. You could make it happen if you wanted to.

All this