Why do I feel miffed DH is suggesting a 4 day week for him?

[Callistone]

Think I might be being U…

2 DC, 7 and 11. Both DH and I work f/t. Me 9-5, three days from home, two commuting into the city. Him now entirely flexible with 1-3 days in the city per week.

Background, which is important to me, is he worked shifts for the past decade. I stayed mostly f/t, working all week, often on my own with the kids evening and weekends. He’s been in this new role 6 months.

He wants to work Mon to Thurs 7 till 5 or 8-6. He can take breaks when needed for the school run (annoyingly long some days due to the distance to school) and can work on the train while commuting. His argument is he can do housework on his long weekends.

I’m… possibly bitter? Jealous? During shift work he used to have whole days off to himself during the school week. Now he’ll get a whole day off during the week again. I’m worried his long hours those 4 days might yet again leaving me to manage the kids before and after my working day. He’s alright pulling his weight but somewhat woolly on the daily tasks that still need doing - laundry, homework, lunch boxes etc. I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

I can’t shake this feeling it’ll work out better for him but I won’t see any benefit here. I’m probably being very U. Am I? Or am I justified in being unsure of this?

I agree with this perspective, it sounds like it’s triggering last resentment. It’s important we all find the best way of navigating our lives. Perhaps flexible working would suit you too? If so, you also ask to condense your hours and ask your husband to take an alternative day off so you can work longer hours on that day. Find a compromise that sits you it’s you both.

Considering OP works full time hours and isn’t currently with her child from 3pm all evening I don’t see how that would magically change by her husband compressing his hours, particularly as it’s pretty much made up of him starting early.

Of course, all he ever does is work, I sit around being fed grapes by my (completely self-sufficient) children mornings and evenings. The laundry walls itself to the machine, the fridge can dispense automatic lunchboxes, the hoover knows how to use itself, the pens write unaided in the homework books, the uniform irons and lays itself out every evening, the children’s shoes and bags are exactly where they put them the day before, the kids even walk themselves to all their clubs! It’s magic. I do nothing at all.

It is clear this is a scenario where there is nothing this man could do what would result in anything but complaining from OP. I think we all know an OP in our lives. Never happy, always the victim, always miserable and work hard to make others miserable around them.

Good for the DH. He needs to look out for himself. Being in a home and marriage with a negative nelly just sucks the energy out of you. Having someone who complains and complains and complains and complains day in and day out is exhausting. Good for him for finding time for himself and to do things he enjoys in ways that really have very little impact on the family. He knows it would make no difference if he did 100% of everything, he still wouldn't do it right or make her happy. He needs to find ways to bring positives into his life himself.

This thread makes me bloody glad I was a single parent. The constant score keeping of who does what and consequent resentment must be exhausting.

I would hardly hold OP’s attitude up as an example of a normal relationship.

The kids are 7 and 11, that’s hardly like having toddlers under foot.
And so what if someone else (i.e. OP) does the shopping? Is food shopping considered work, but cooking isn’t? How is cooking avoiding work?

Callistone I feel sorry for your DC too , why did you have children if you resent parenting them ? Yep they’re not self sufficient , yes you have to do homework , take to clubs etc . You sound angry and resentful towards the whole family . Very entitled attitude .

You caught me out, I can only hold my hands up - I hate my husband, I hate my DC, I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed myself doing something 🙄

Apologies that after a very long ten years of doing most things on my own because of DH’s having a job that meant he was barely around, I was quite looking forward to having a set up that meant we would both be around mornings, evenings and weekends, both to support each other and and for the children. Apologies I was thrown by his out of the blue suggestion that four of those working/school days he would probably be working during the mornings and early evenings. Apologies that I dared to question his previous track record of appreciating which tasks need to be done daily as opposed to being able to wait a week for his day off.

I shall take myself off and inform Mr C that I’m very sorry for making his life sheer hell by wondering if we could work as a team at the busiest points of the day, and that he is welcome to leave the joy sponge he appears to have picked up along the way.

Or, you know, I’ll take the really helpful and reasonable points people have made about having a good conversation about daily and weekly family stuff and ensuring the whole family gets to benefit from DH finally being around a lot more.

Stop moaning about your husbands old job though! Presumably you chose to have a family with someone who works shifts. There are aspects of it that are better and aspects of it that are worse. You can’t be a martyr for the rest of your life over it, nor can you punish your DH for it.

I get you op. H used to have a side hustle which he did on weekend and made a great show of how he was providing for the family. But..... it means the got out of the whole boring shits bits of parenting at the weekend and was of course far too tired to do any housework.

So I did Ft work, and everything for DS plus all the housework and admin. And then when DS was 6 (and weekends were easier) he decided to give it up. It's one of the reasons why DS is an only as I just couldn't have gone back to work with 2 kids.

H also then got 6 weeks gardening leave when he left one job and therefore had all those weeks at home to himself. Plus he still let my mum and his mum pick DS up one night each week (as DS enjoyed it) so he had even longer to himself!!!

Nothing wrong with being jealous. I've now gone to doing 10 in 9 so I get a day off every other week to myself. H is not happy but since it doesn't affect my pay or pension it's none of his business! Plus DS is now an adult.

No solutions really op as you've said your job can't be done flexibly. I'd be making a list of all the stuff he can be getting on with.

Oh look it is more woe is me moaning and complaining.

Your husband working an extra two hours in the am doesn't mean he will no longer be available for evenings and weekends. If you work 9-5 and have a commute two days a week how are you home to do everything at all times when the kids aren't in school?

Op - you should look into practicing gratitude. It is where you find something good in each day and in the people around you. Where you feel grateful for what you have instead of only focusing on your unhappiness. Your glass half empty attitude and complaining and negativity is tiring in this thread - let alone to live with.

I get you OP. Having picked up the slack for years, it's not unreasonable to want this to be shared now that dh is around, and any sense that he's not doing this must be very annoying.

OK I think most of us reading this are coming from our own perspective and projecting, so this is my version!

By any chance do you do most of the boring necessary brain work, keep track of which child needs x, y z for school/hobbies, that things are ready for whatever time they are needed (sports kit, school requirements etc), are always the one dropping the kids because he always worked shifts, remind the kids to get washed, dressed, bring x to school, then to get changed after school, get gear ready when they have hobbies, eat up, get ready for bed, wash their teeth etc...

Maybe you are worried that you will have to do 4 days of school mornings/aftershock because he is on long days and then cover the evenings because he is cooking. Yes, he will work some work for the family on his off day, but actually also get loads of brain space all week, eg only have himself to worry about getting ready the 4 mornings, calm creative time cooking while you do rest in the evening and then some space too around family jobs on his 5th day...

You really need to work what you need for this to work too. Again this is me projecting, but is it brain space, is it physical space, is it free time for yourself?
Eg if you need brain space and he is excused mornings, he prepares what is needed for the following day the night before and does lunchboxes each morning, so your workload is reduced for the morning or if evenings are more of an issue, then he has to be available half the evenings and so he batch cooks to cover those days and he can have fun doing the calm creative cooking the other days.

Or is it guarantee that whatever is his 5th day, you are free straight after work to do whatever hobby you want or that he takes kids out x day every week and you potter at home...

So he does school runs, works, finishes late and jumps straight in to cook the family meal? LTB (and I’ll have him).

@Booksandsport thanks, that’s really useful as I don’t think I have really sat down and thought in detail what I want or what I’m worried about. Possibly it’s the brain space I need - not being the only one who knows who, where, when, and why, and has organised it, which it has been for so lo my because he was unreliably around.

Oh, and he does maybe a quarter of school pick ups. I mentioned it as an example of how he could arrange his day but actually, I do most of them as I wfh more days than he does now.

As a nurse I can certainly confirm that shift working is exhausting and damaging to both your physical and mental health especially as you get older. Give him a break. In reality his previous ‘day to him self’ was probably spent recouperating. I’d say he’s done his share of shift work and the extra time off to help with the kids is something I could only dream of. What’s not to like?

My husband works shift and so I could identify as while he is great when he is there, there's not consistency in his availability and so all plans default to me because I am the one available to the family.
It sounds as if you were counting on more full family time, splitting tasks together, whereas he is suggesting more you and the kids time and separately him and the kids time (which might be ok if you get some free time for you) and less all together time.

😂

😂😂 my thoughts exactly.

Ignore the posters who just seem determined to make you feel shit, OP.

I think there are plenty of people on here who do get where you're coming from. You have a husband who has always used work to get out of doing all the daily drudge that comes with being a parent - and after six months of being there to support you, he can't hack it and wants to change hours and opt out. Again. While he leaves it all up to you. Again.

He needs to do his fair share of the shit as well as the stuff he enjoys. He can't just say "well, I'll cook dinner and do a few school runs" as if that somehow gives him get-out clause for absolutely everything else that comes with being a parent during the week.

Ignore the posters who just seem determined to make you feel shit, OP.

Ignore the posters telling you to ignore other posters, OP.

Agreed.

So many posters with literacy, comprehension and basic cop on deficiencies.

The OP's husband cooks but expects HER to shop for his fancy ingredients on an almost daily basis?

Only the dimest would be happy to put up with this.

He cooks but expects the dirty details of sourcing the food for her to do.

A lot of women would have told him get lost with his fancy meals if he expects someone else to shop every other day for whats involved.

OP, you sound like a doormat I'm afraid with a selfish avoidant husband.

He really isn't a good husband or father and has made a right fool of you for a decade via his "work schedule".

From today I would unilaterally hand over ALL food shopping for HIM to sort out.

The OP's husband cooks but expects HER to shop for his fancy ingredients on an almost daily basis?

Nowhere has she said this. She said “someone” has to go shopping because he’s not a planner. So he goes shopping. Problem solved without writing him off as not being a good husband or father - that really isn’t dependent on who buys the food.