Why do I feel miffed DH is suggesting a 4 day week for him?

[Callistone]

Think I might be being U…

2 DC, 7 and 11. Both DH and I work f/t. Me 9-5, three days from home, two commuting into the city. Him now entirely flexible with 1-3 days in the city per week.

Background, which is important to me, is he worked shifts for the past decade. I stayed mostly f/t, working all week, often on my own with the kids evening and weekends. He’s been in this new role 6 months.

He wants to work Mon to Thurs 7 till 5 or 8-6. He can take breaks when needed for the school run (annoyingly long some days due to the distance to school) and can work on the train while commuting. His argument is he can do housework on his long weekends.

I’m… possibly bitter? Jealous? During shift work he used to have whole days off to himself during the school week. Now he’ll get a whole day off during the week again. I’m worried his long hours those 4 days might yet again leaving me to manage the kids before and after my working day. He’s alright pulling his weight but somewhat woolly on the daily tasks that still need doing - laundry, homework, lunch boxes etc. I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

I can’t shake this feeling it’ll work out better for him but I won’t see any benefit here. I’m probably being very U. Am I? Or am I justified in being unsure of this?

Op if you had led with he does ONLY the cooking and not everything linked to that like food shopping, loading the dishwasher and clearing the sides, prob all bins too, then I don't think the vote would be yabu.

I do love the extrapolation some people get from a few posts 😂 I can and do take time to myself but it has always been very adhoc because, again, shift work. His 10 day shift pattern meant I had no ability to sign up to a regular class, say. Or he’d have to stay late or get rest days cancelled with one days notice. It’s hardly martyring myself to, you know, actually stay in and look after young kids when there’s no other parent around.

Reading these responses has been really helpful and I can see where we need to have a sensible conversation about expectations from and for both of us.

But it’s also making me realise how much of it is tied into a decade of parenting with someone doing his job (think police, paramedic etc) where everything in family life gets subsumed into that. And that’s something I need to work through myself.

I get this. After a day at work or with kids I love getting to the kitchen and cooking in peace and quiet, often listening to an interesting podcast on the side. I find it a relaxing moment of the day.

Absolutely.

With brass buttons on, too!

If the sexes were reversed there'd be universal condemnation of the man. Whereas with it this way round he's only 50% cunt according to MN. 😂

She refers to it him getting an annoyingly long break when he does the school runs. To see him doing all the school runs as a break for him whle she only talks about herself as though she is a slave to the home and children says a lot. It isn't an unfair parenting break to cook dinner or do the school runs.

She also talks about the inflexibility of his shift work as a horrible and bad thing but now she has the more unflexible job and he has a flexible job and that is a still a horrible and bad thing for him. No matter what he does or doesn't do - she sees him as having it easy and her as one who has it hard. (And working a rotating shift schedule is not actually getting to take it easy).

At the end of the day she can decide how unhappy she wants to be. However if he isn't allowed to enjoy himself or take time to himself or rest or do activities he likes or see the positives without OP getting upset with him, there will be a lot of conflict.

Yep. 'Not a planner' and expects someone else to do the mundane bit while he gets to do the cooking and eating. Please don't facilitate this OP.

She refers to it him getting an annoyingly long break when he does the school runs.

No, she doesn't. She refers to the school run itself being annoyingly long some days due to the distance.

To see him doing all the school runs as a break for him while she only talks about herself as though she is a slave to the home and children says a lot. It isn't an unfair parenting break to cook dinner or do the school runs.

Again, she doesn't refer to them as being a break

She also talks about the inflexibility of his shift work as a horrible and bad thing but now she has the more unflexible job and he has a flexible job and that is a still a horrible and bad thing for him. No matter what he does or doesn't do - she sees him as having it easy and her as one who has it hard. (And working a rotating shift schedule is not actually getting to take it easy).

I think you're missing the point. It's not about the inflexibility - it's about the fact that his shifts meant he was unavailable for most of the "drudge" work and also meant she couldn't plan any regular downtime for herself as he never worked the same hours or had the same days off. And this went on for a decade.

Then, he finally got a job with regular hours and set days so he could help, but he now wants to change his hours again so he's still not around in the evenings or in the mornings to do the drudge work. Doing the school run and cooking dinner is great but it's only a tiny part of parenting.

At the end of the day she can decide how unhappy she wants to be. However if he isn't allowed to enjoy himself or take time to himself or rest or do activities he likes or see the positives without OP getting upset with him, there will be a lot of conflict.

She hasn't said he's not allowed to enjoy himself or take free time - but him unilaterally deciding to change his work hours means that he gets what he wants but again, OP can't have any time to herself during the week because she has to be home to do all the drudge work while he shuts himself in his office again.

You will see she refers to it as a break if you read the first part of the paragragh.

ANyways you and OP seem similar. Find the worst in everything, turn every positive into a negative, always see yourself as a passive participant and never take any action of your own, and then complain, complain, complain. When someone works shiftwork, they get days off so the idea that OPs life has been nothign but toil and strife 24/7 while he has flitted about without a care in the world is her own choice. And if OP worked rotating shiftwork suddenly I doubt it would be the best thing ever that relieves a parent of all obligation.

How do you define drudgery? It seems any tasks he does are not drudgery but anything OP does is drudgery.

Why doesn't OP just change and get a job that gives her all the freedoms and flexibilities she wants? Be an active decision maker in your own life.

I meant break as in he can be away from his desk for an hour to do the school run in the middle of the day. Not that it’s a nice break and something fun to do!

But yes, of course, after 10 years doing the daily drudge work with the kids and putting the job I spent a long time getting a professional qualification to do on the back burner, it’s absolutely only right now that I go and find a completely different job so that DH still doesn’t have to find a way to do that daily stuff 🤦🏻‍♀️

My job is good in the way that my colleagues and managers are supportive of DH’s formerly shitty hours and that I can work from home most of the time. I just can’t compress or flex hours as we work on daily short term deadlines, and me compressing hours would hurt the rest of the team.

This.

You will see she refers to it as a break if you read the first part of the paragragh.

Yeah, as in - a break away from his desk/job. Not a break from parenting or a break as in "free time".

ANyways you and OP seem similar. Find the worst in everything, turn every positive into a negative, always see yourself as a passive participant and never take any action of your own, and then complain, complain, complain. When someone works shiftwork, they get days off so the idea that OPs life has been nothign but toil and strife 24/7 while he has flitted about without a care in the world is her own choice. And if OP worked rotating shiftwork suddenly I doubt it would be the best thing ever that relieves a parent of all obligation.

lol, that's some big assumptions you're making based on one post 😂

How do you define drudgery? It seems any tasks he does are not drudgery but anything OP does is drudgery.

Drudgery as in, being there before and after school, on your own, every single day because your partner is at work (again) - yet the same partner can magically adjust his hours to give himself a free day off every single week when it suits him.

Why doesn't OP just change and get a job that gives her all the freedoms and flexibilities she wants? Be an active decision maker in your own life.

I agree that would be great if she could do that - unfortunately it's not always possible.

I'm confused. You talk about wanting your job to take precedence but is that the job you have now or some other job you wish you had? If it's the job you have now how is him working 4 days a week going to affect your job? Stuff like lunch boxes can be done by taking it in turns each week or making the kids have school dinners. Which clubs the kids go to is up to the 2 of you as parents. You have to remember there are 4 of you in the family and the 2 adults have as much right to free time as the kids, maybe more so so evenings have to be planned around the 4 of you not just what the kids want.
Many marriages fall apart partly because 1 or both parents focus everything around the children's wants in a way people of my parents generation never did and then have a dull drudgy life themselves.

Don't worry OP - there are posters on here who will always find a way to excuse men, no matter how shitty their behaviour is.

I get exactly where you're coming from. He can magically flex his hours when it suits him, but can't do it to help you when you need help. It's shit. I get it.

There’s been a few times I have applied for, and even been offered, other jobs, but with the unreliability of his work it was decided that it wasn’t quite the right time for me to push forward professionally and take a job that would involve longer hours or more presence in the office. I’m not hard done by by any stretch of the imagination but I have still not pushed myself professionally.

I am jealous, deep down. But that’s because despite being a good husband and father there are times when he puts himself first and this smacks to me a little of it.

And? Everyone should be able to put themselves first “at times”. There is a key difference between at times and all the time.

It sounds pretty selfish for you to specifically question what benefit is there for you. If he does 7-5 he can still do the evenings. I don’t see how it really puts much on you.

It sounds pretty selfish for you to specifically question what benefit is there for you. If he does 7-5 he can still do the evenings. I don’t see how it really puts much on you.

Presumably because school finishes at three and they have a seven year old who still needs some level of input in that time.

😂

Hi, as a mum to 4 and two of them being 6 and 12 I can say they are not very demanding, there is basically not much they can't do for themselves. My other two are 15 and 13.

Tell me you don't have kids without saying you dont have kids 🤣

Utter, <UTTER> bastard.

Leave him immediately.

On a serious note, there's clearly some niggles here regarding his habits, which seem to make you feel inadequate regarding cooking etc, and maybe you need to address this. Aside from that, can you tweak your hours to 4 days a week? It would improve your work/life balance.

I feel sorry for DH , he may as well work five days because on the fifth day he’s going to be given a huge list of jobs to do . Finishing work at 6 and then preparing dinner , get a nanny to look after children and definitely divorce him 😂

It’s interesting that any chore he does, picking the kids up from school or cooking the family dinner every night you are very quick to claim it’s not a chore but a nice break. I wonder how much you would feel the same if it was you doing it.
You would probably moan if he listened to a podcast while cleaning the bathroom and had the audacity to enjoy himself while doing it.

😂

Yes, a ND child starting secondary school and a 7yo with homework don’t exactly manage to entirely look after themselves…