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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do I feel miffed DH is suggesting a 4 day week for him?

195 replies

Callistone · 01/09/2023 18:35

Think I might be being U…

2 DC, 7 and 11. Both DH and I work f/t. Me 9-5, three days from home, two commuting into the city. Him now entirely flexible with 1-3 days in the city per week.

Background, which is important to me, is he worked shifts for the past decade. I stayed mostly f/t, working all week, often on my own with the kids evening and weekends. He’s been in this new role 6 months.

He wants to work Mon to Thurs 7 till 5 or 8-6. He can take breaks when needed for the school run (annoyingly long some days due to the distance to school) and can work on the train while commuting. His argument is he can do housework on his long weekends.

I’m… possibly bitter? Jealous? During shift work he used to have whole days off to himself during the school week. Now he’ll get a whole day off during the week again. I’m worried his long hours those 4 days might yet again leaving me to manage the kids before and after my working day. He’s alright pulling his weight but somewhat woolly on the daily tasks that still need doing - laundry, homework, lunch boxes etc. I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

I can’t shake this feeling it’ll work out better for him but I won’t see any benefit here. I’m probably being very U. Am I? Or am I justified in being unsure of this?

OP posts:
ReleasetheCrackHen · 01/09/2023 19:21

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/09/2023 18:54

How much managing can a 7 and 11 year old need? At least the 11 year old should be capable of getting himself ready for bed and sitting doing his homework mostly unaided.

This can be age of various after school clubs and activities though. Who knows what school run also involves?

Violet1988 · 01/09/2023 19:22

I also understand your feelings. Slightly different situation but I work three days 9-3 to do school drop offs and pick ups. Two days a week I'm off with preschooler and do school runs and DH has condensed hours to have one day off with preschooler. He does school runs this day. This seems fair now but when preschooler starts school the plan is for me to go up to 5 days but still part time 9-3 and DH wants to keep the one day off. He will do school runs on that day. I think we could both work five days full time using Flexi time so one starts later and drops off and one finishes earlier and picks up. However he's not keen.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 01/09/2023 19:22

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/09/2023 19:03

Making dinner, alone without the dc under foot, when someone else has had to do the shopping and will likely do all the dishes isn't work. It's avoiding work.

Show quote history

I’m making dinner now, and it’s bloody work

CoralDaffodil · 01/09/2023 19:24

So he’ll finish work and then go straight into making tea? He’s contributing then to the evening. I would love this personally. He could also perhaps get some jobs done on his NWD I presume?

Bonbontutu · 01/09/2023 19:26

Have you put in a flexible working request OP? There's nothing stopping you from condensing hours? Or dropping a day of you can afford it and if your employer will allow it? Work life balance is much better with a 4 day working week IMO.

JudgeRudy · 01/09/2023 19:27

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/09/2023 19:03

Making dinner, alone without the dc under foot, when someone else has had to do the shopping and will likely do all the dishes isn't work. It's avoiding work.

Show quote history

Unless OP is out the house and eg at the gym or doing her new hobby/socialising a few times a week the moment OH gets in 🤔

DonnaBanana · 01/09/2023 19:27

The best way to judge these things is how would you feel if it were the other way around and you had managed to wangle a 4 day week? Would you think it were reasonable if he were angry about it? I bet not.

Butterflyfluff · 01/09/2023 19:28

I don’t really get what you feel miffed about.

It sounds nothing more than sour grapes.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/09/2023 19:28

If he is off on a Friday can he do a full house clean...like a cleaner and the food shopping leaving weekends to be more of a family time. So win win. If l got that on top of school runs/ cooked dinners l would welcome the day off. But if he is going to use the whole day to gad around..no way.

Lantyslee · 01/09/2023 19:42

Today I've negotiated contracting my hours into 4 days/week. I'm really looking forward to it as I've got other commitments which mean I don't get two days off at the weekend and I'm really tired.

TBH you sound a bit jealous OP. Is there any chance you could negotiate something similar yourself? As a PP said, if you have a parent with a regular weekday off it makes school holiday childcare easier.

maddening · 01/09/2023 19:45

If he was proposing to use the extra day to clear the housework giving you both a free weekend then I think that is an excellent use of that time.

Oblomov23 · 01/09/2023 19:45

I think everyone should work 4 days ideally. Lots of company's have trialled this Google and Unilever. You sound jealous. Do you want it?

drpet49 · 01/09/2023 20:01

Flipflopflopflip · 01/09/2023 18:54

You sound jealous

Yep

Original poster
Callistone · 01/09/2023 20:05

I am jealous a bit, I’m not above admitting that. I’d been looking forward to having something resembling normal life after a decade of shift work, of not being the only person doing the evening clubs and homework and all that. I suppose I’m worried that it will fall to me again on those 4 days, but I can also admit that might not be entirely rational. It feels like a lot of baggage from the past ten years that sometimes rears it’s head. I can’t flex my hours like he does or condense my days due to the nature of my work.

On paper yes, he should be using the extra day off to do some of the bigger housework, and hopefully that will happen. Time will tell. I’m probably being far to cynical with no real reason.

I see how the dinner example looks like ridiculous sour grapes from me 😂 That comes from DH always making time intensive meals, and as I mentioned, refusing to eat meals I cook. I’m not a great cook but can manage perfectly acceptable basics. Most of the time I really appreciate the cooking but some nights I do think, ffs, we don’t need to use every pan in the kitchen to make something from scratch, can’t we just whack some potatoes in the oven so we can spend the time playing a game with the kids instead?

OP posts:
Original poster
Callistone · 01/09/2023 20:07

Thanks to the people who do understand a little where I am coming from - it helps to have even jealousy validated sometimes. But I fully get what everyone else is saying and will have a good think about what we need to discuss as a couple to ensure this levels out in the long run to equal free time for both of us

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/09/2023 20:07

Does he wash up too? If he cooks and uses a zillion pans then he should clean them.

CloseToCulture · 01/09/2023 20:12

I’m making dinner now, and it’s bloody work

You’re on mumsnet so it doesn’t seem a strong argument. 🤣

Original poster
Callistone · 01/09/2023 20:12

neonjumper · 01/09/2023 19:12

I kind of recognise this feeling .

When the children were little I did all the hard slog .

DH is wfh since pandemic ( youngest had just started secondary). Dh took over cooking lavish dinners and being there for kids ... I was still having to go out to work during pandemic .

I was really resentful of this especially as DH family went on about how brilliant he was doing this ... yet failed to recognise that the children were/are self sufficient by this point .

It's taken me a few years to process this resentment and only because we've really had to have some in-depth communication about how this feels and the long term repercussions it had for me ... having to move jobs because I couldn't physically pick up the children on time due to travel delays , giving up promotions because I couldn't commit to longer days ( and all the other rubbish that goes with becoming the default parent ) .

Just reading back through and this resonates, and I can see where my bitterness is stemming from (and yes, it may well be unreasonable bitterness). It’s been a decade of me putting my job on the back burner to support his, of me being the go-to parent, of me doing 90% of parties and play dates and clubs and all of that. That was a decision I was ok with at the time because it’s the nature of his job. But I guess at some point I thought there would be a time where my job took precedence or I’d stop being the go-to parent, and this sudden announcement that he’s going to do a shorter week and potentially have time off to himself whilst the kids are at school just… caught me off guard.

OP posts:
ReleasetheCrackHen · 01/09/2023 20:13

CloseToCulture · 01/09/2023 20:12

I’m making dinner now, and it’s bloody work

You’re on mumsnet so it doesn’t seem a strong argument. 🤣

I’m a woman, so I can multi-task 😁

WetBandits · 01/09/2023 20:13

I moved to compressed hours Mon-Thurs and am so much happier for it. I’d say you sound jealous 🤷🏼‍♀️

pythongreenporsche · 01/09/2023 20:16

I think I get it OP, but he sounds like a relatively good 'un. Can't you tell him you're ok with him doing 4 days on the condition that he needs to step up every day of the week and his day off won't be a day to play video games/golf/ whatever, but of course he can have a couple of hours and you'll have your couple of hours on a weekend day?

Isthisexpected · 01/09/2023 20:21

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/09/2023 19:03

Making dinner, alone without the dc under foot, when someone else has had to do the shopping and will likely do all the dishes isn't work. It's avoiding work.

Show quote history

Exactly. Looking after the kids, cleaning or doing any other number of things that are not enjoyable but need doing needs to be taken in turns unless you agree otherwise.

HamishTheCamel · 01/09/2023 20:25

Could you go down to 4 days too OP? That would be fairer?

caringcarer · 01/09/2023 20:33

lionsleepstonight · 01/09/2023 18:50

Finishes work and goes straight to make dinner for the family?

Bastard.

If you get tired of him send him to cook for me.

BalloonsInWater · 01/09/2023 20:35

Mine did exactly the same; random shift pattern including nights / sleeping all day for ten years; now that the youngest is in school and the kids are also easy and fun to be around, he suddenly changed patterns and has loads of spare time to hang out 🤔

Also hear you on the cooking; I do the boring basic meals which he won't eat; he needs a few hours for something the kids won't eat (but at least now they're older I'm no longer doing the childcare while this happens).