Why do I feel miffed DH is suggesting a 4 day week for him?

[Callistone]

Think I might be being U…

2 DC, 7 and 11. Both DH and I work f/t. Me 9-5, three days from home, two commuting into the city. Him now entirely flexible with 1-3 days in the city per week.

Background, which is important to me, is he worked shifts for the past decade. I stayed mostly f/t, working all week, often on my own with the kids evening and weekends. He’s been in this new role 6 months.

He wants to work Mon to Thurs 7 till 5 or 8-6. He can take breaks when needed for the school run (annoyingly long some days due to the distance to school) and can work on the train while commuting. His argument is he can do housework on his long weekends.

I’m… possibly bitter? Jealous? During shift work he used to have whole days off to himself during the school week. Now he’ll get a whole day off during the week again. I’m worried his long hours those 4 days might yet again leaving me to manage the kids before and after my working day. He’s alright pulling his weight but somewhat woolly on the daily tasks that still need doing - laundry, homework, lunch boxes etc. I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

I can’t shake this feeling it’ll work out better for him but I won’t see any benefit here. I’m probably being very U. Am I? Or am I justified in being unsure of this?

@BalloonsInWater you're me!!!

I think you’re being really nasty.

Most of us would do longer days and have a day off if we could.

You’re just being negative because you are bitter that you don’t have the opportunity to do it but if you did you probably would think twice.

If he has a day off then he can do more around the house on his day off.
Surely that’s good for everyone.

Shift work is notoriously bad for one's health. I'd be glad my husband wasn't putting his health at risk for us all anymore.

You have kids of an age they don't need entertaining or looking after. You're hardly changing their nappies, spoon feeding them, wiping their bums or playing "ring a roses" with them!

You are both working the same hours, just on a different pattern.

He is pulling his weight in general, and cooking delicious dinners every night.

I don't see what your issue is, apart from jealousy.

DH work FT over 4 days, he does most if not all of the housework on the 5th, I used to do the same but new job meant change of working pattern so he picked up the slack. Surely as long as he's pulling his weight, good for him.
If you want a more flexible pattern can you request one?

He cooks? He says he can do the cleaning on his 3 day weekend?

Er... if you don't want him can I have him?!?!? 🤣

I don't really get it either. You're jealous that he will have a working pattern you envy? Why shouldn't he, if he can? (I work approximately those hours and have a day off in the week, though in my case I lose one fifth of my pay).

If he just has fun times on his day off and you end up doing chores in the evening / at the weekends, I could understand. (Though I wouldn't tolerate my DH telling me what I can or can't do on my day off during the week.) But that hasn't occurred yet and you havent said that's what will happen.

I envy you his daily cooking, though sympathise with the 'every pan and utensil used' approach. We take turns to cook so I usually we insist we clear up on the days we cook, so I clear up as I go along and he gets the huge mess to sort out.

So the issue is that instead of working regular hours where he is available for family life every evening, he is planning to do 4 long days and put his hours off into one day when everyone else is at school/work?

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Make it work for you! Since going back to work after being a a sahm for a few years I started scheduling kids appointments that were unavoidable during the week to dh's days off. They go on a shared phone calendar.

Even though we both work a similar distance from home, as he works a shift pattern with shorter days sometimes and weekdays off, he's the priority contact for school during the day. If he is at work, they ring me second as it's easier for me to leave work than him.

There are days where he is at work longer so I'll make sure the kids get to clubs, organise tea etc. on his days off I might work longer to build up flexi hours.

On the face of it, it looks a little like jealousy at your dh having a day to himself while you have to manage the household alone for longer days. But only you know if he really does pull his weight and would use the day to attend to domestic duties to free you both up for weekends, or whether his chore strategy actually avoids child rearing responsibilities.

Not fair if you have to take on board more during those 4 days then he sits at home on his day off as kids in school. I wouldn’t be best pleased

From what youre saying OP he will still be home for a decent time to enable him to do the home stuff and on his off day he should do pick up and drop offs.

is it possible to rearrange kids activities to his off days, Or if the kids are in after school he can pick them up on the way home for the on days?

Both me and dp work 4 days each (his is shift work though). It's the best thing we've ever done for our own wellbeing and our family life. Is there any scope for you to reduce your days too?

YAB a little bit unreasonable but having been married to a shift worker I totally get it.

Do you have any scope for flexibility?

My favourite was when I worked 4 days and he worked shifts and occasionally we’d have a random Wednesday off together.

Is this some weird reverse thing?

I get it OP, you're getting left to do the daily wifework which you've done all along, while he is a 'bit woolly' about what needs doing day to day. Funny how men get away with that and women don't.

He gets to do things he quite likes in big blocks like cooking and having a whole day to himself while you run around making sure everyone has their packed lunch and done their homework and all the other stuff that fills up your head in a deeply unsatisfying and exhausting way! I would be jealous too if I couldn't do the same thing with my hours.

How about he uses his day off to batch cook for the week so he's available for homework help, taking to clubs etc in the evenings? Or failing that, could he do some big jobs on his day off that would free up your weekend?

It's amazing to me the women on here that think because a man cooks a meal we should all fall over in adoration and not expect anything else of him. No one ever says that about all the women that cook every single day.

Yabu. My one question is why did you choose school(s) so far away ? Your DH sounds to be more considerate towards your family and supportive of your career. I'm sure many members would love to be in your position

Think yourself lucky. Both me & DH work full time. I wish he'd just hop in and cook tea... or bath LO... or get him down to bed... or get him up, washed and dressed even?? Just one of them, any one... 🙄

Not a weird reverse!

I can see from a handful of responses that it’s the decade of shift work that is colouring my view of this, because the shitty 2-2-2-4 pattern he was on for so many years just fucked with any possible idea of consistency I could even attempt in my life. That’s something I need to think about.

Hes generally a good ‘un BUT one, I’m not 100% convinced he will do enough housework on that day off the make my life easier when he’s doing long hours, and two, I’m not 100% convinced he is doing this for the family, not because he misses having time to himself when everyone else is at work or school.

We’ll trial it, it’s the only way to see.

Unfortunately I can’t change my hours at all, either financially or in a way that would help my work.

I am jealous, deep down. But that’s because despite being a good husband and father there are times when he puts himself first and this smacks to me a little of it.

Yes!!! I’m not going to measure him against the lowest common denominator for what some husbands do. That’s really articulated what I feel. He LIKES cooking. I don’t particularly like doing daily laundry or packed lunches or listening to piano practice.

I would be saying "great you can xyz done and have the afternoon off and then I can get time to myself at the weekend to match"

Definitely keep an eye that you have equal leisure time.

Not surprised you feel resentful from doing the grind of the younger years solo whilst he did shift work and also got more leisure time than you.

For me the issue would be - what will he be doing for the family from Monday to Thursday? Do your kids need transporting to clubs etc and will that all fall to you? That kind of thing can be a real juggle and having 2 people able to share the load on that is essential in some families. Same with medical appointments etc. Will this mean he’s going to say he can’t do any of that during the week ?

Would it be easier if he had a different day off not working?

Id also be concerned that having Friday off means that he will go into weekend mode and actually do nothing much on those days. I would sit down together, look at all the jobs and see if it’s still possible to do an even split in workload with both of you taking on the less favoured jobs and the more stressful jobs with this change in work pattern.

You're jealous and unreasonable.

I know exactly how you feel. My DH is great in many ways, always busy doing jobs around the house. But he massively favours jobs that he finds meaningful or fulfilling or allow him some autonomy. And those will be done instead of the mundane shitwork or juggling kids, which is left to me. It’s really hard to complain about because he is working, just in a fairly selfish way.

Youre probably seeing a bit of that in your DH. If I were you I would agree with the change but expect some compromise from him, eg he only cooks on one of his working days. On the others he helps with the mundane shitwork and you all eat potatoes. It sounds like he dictates a lot and particularly when he worked shifts, his work needs dictated everything about family life. Maybe you need there to be a rebalancing in who gets to decide how things work.

Can I borrow him OP?