Why do I feel miffed DH is suggesting a 4 day week for him?

[Callistone]

Think I might be being U…

2 DC, 7 and 11. Both DH and I work f/t. Me 9-5, three days from home, two commuting into the city. Him now entirely flexible with 1-3 days in the city per week.

Background, which is important to me, is he worked shifts for the past decade. I stayed mostly f/t, working all week, often on my own with the kids evening and weekends. He’s been in this new role 6 months.

He wants to work Mon to Thurs 7 till 5 or 8-6. He can take breaks when needed for the school run (annoyingly long some days due to the distance to school) and can work on the train while commuting. His argument is he can do housework on his long weekends.

I’m… possibly bitter? Jealous? During shift work he used to have whole days off to himself during the school week. Now he’ll get a whole day off during the week again. I’m worried his long hours those 4 days might yet again leaving me to manage the kids before and after my working day. He’s alright pulling his weight but somewhat woolly on the daily tasks that still need doing - laundry, homework, lunch boxes etc. I have a horrible feeling he’ll finish at 6 and leap straight into making dinner (a bone of contention as he is anal about cooking and won’t eat my less good cooking, but he sees it as something important he does for the family).

I can’t shake this feeling it’ll work out better for him but I won’t see any benefit here. I’m probably being very U. Am I? Or am I justified in being unsure of this?

Looking after the kids, cleaning or doing any other number of things that are not enjoyable but need doing needs to be taken in turns unless you agree otherwise.

I enjoy cleaning. Does this mean it doesn't "count" as doing a chore and I should therefore pick up more of the share?

I hear and understand absolutely everything you’re saying. My sister can’t cook and is married to a Mediterranean man who insists on cooking lavish 2-3hr meals every night that she’s supposed to be grateful for. Never mind the fact that she’s doing pretty much everything else to afford him the fucking pleasure! But of course if she dares to complain she’s the ungrateful and unreasonable one.

Your DH sounds like he’s quite comfortable being selfish in his choices and I think you should have a think about what taking a similar approach might look like for you. I would personally refuse on the basis that it would only benefit him and at your expense. Of course you will be the default parent (again) when he is doing the long days and it will be very difficult for that dynamic to change on the 3 days he is off without years of practice.

Also have a think about marriage counselling to try and communicate your resentment. Your resentment is justified and was inevitable but it will eat away at your marriage.

I think it has to be a balance @DonnaBanana . If one person loves cooking and food, and the other is happy with a sandwich, it’s not reasonable for the foodie to cook elaborate meals every night if it means the non-foodie has to pick up the boring stuff. If you clean excessively and in doing so avoid doing the cooking or childcare, your partner might feel resentful.

Then explain this to your DH that sorry but if this means your career going on the back burner again then no he needs to rethink.

My DH works 4 days a week but has our 2 preschool children solo on that day so I definitely don't begrudge him. He did want to drop to 3 days so " he had a day to himself..." my answer might have included some swear words! He's still on 4 days.

YABVU. Sounds like you are jealous…

He gets a day to himself and you don’t. He will work longer days which means a greater housework and childcare burden on you. You’re not unreasonable to be miffed about it

How are people thinking yabu? He'll be unavailable till late or gone v early, leaving you to do it all yet again. Piss taking surely.

🤣

That's what I was thinking!

Your annoyed that your husband loves cooking for your family, does his share of the household chores, has a good work ethic and wants to work compressed hours with the same pay? I'm confused as to how this is a bad idea? If he's used to working shifts, 4 longer days won't be difficult for him. He'll have more time for you, the kids & the house. Surely that'll make it easier for you?! I'd love to work compressed hours if it would fit with my personal life.

It’s not a “day to himself” the OP says up front he’s said “he can do housework”

Hes not planning a day on the Xbox or whatever.

I get where you are coming from, feels like dodging the family drudge stuff again. I don’t think YABU at all.

I used to like cooking when DH came home because it meant I could chuck DC at DH and get some peace and quiet for an hour. If I could have gone straight from working to cooking it would have been lovely.

He says he’ll do housework. Though he doesn’t actually realise how much can’t wait a week to be done. But there are things he can do. I think we’re going to have to play it by ear and I need to be very clear what I’m spending my lunch hours doing and want him to take over:

That’s my worry, that it will work out like that. And the only times I can have time to myself is when the kids are around, which isn’t quite the same.

I get it OP. Compressing his hours means that Monday to Thursday you have two additional hours of solo kid wrangling every day and they’re the worst hours for drudgery too - 7-8 and 4-5, ugh.

He has almost no hours of solo kid drudgery. Instead he has all of Friday school hours kid free, to do lovely uninterrupted projects and peaceful cooking and housework, and to let his mind wander.

It would help if you had a clear idea of what you want as in one post you say you want to prioritise your career and in another you want more time to yourself. Most demanding career jobs give you less time for yourself. Also are you just more bothered about supervising homework, having the children at lots of clubs, the house being tidy than he is. When you talked about him not cooking a fancy meal the alternative was playing a game together with the children, not him supervising the children whilst you do something you enjoy.
Is some of your unhappiness the fact that he as worked out what he wants and gone for it where as you seem to be putting the children and their activities first and not really thinking about what you want as a person

You are complaining your husband will finish work and start cooking as soon as he finishes 🤔? He also does the school run, bastard! I honestly don't get why this is annoying, your children aren't so little that you have to watch them constantly, they can happily entertain themselves (my eldest is 7 and can take herself off and play upstairs). So why is him doing the cooking an issue, you are hardly being left with a tiny baby and a toddler.

My husband does the cooking and I think he's bloody amazing for doing it (our kids are 7, 5 and 2 so younger and the 2 year old actually requires close supervision when my husband is off cooking)!! There's no pleasing some people, I couldn't imagine being married to someone like you, I think no matter what this man does you'll never be happy, poor bloke. I hope he gets a round of golf in on his day off to make up for his insufferable wife.

Been here since it started. Never used this phrase.
give your head a wobble.

Don’t forget he’s doing his fair share of the manic panic school runs.

Sorry, but are you Mrs Hinch? Or a cleanfluencer? I haven’t met anyone that thinks cooking and housework projects are “lovely” and an opportunity to let your “mind wander”?

I’d been looking forward to having something resembling normal life after a decade of shift work, of not being the only person doing the evening clubs and homework and all that.

I think this is totally OK to communicate to him.

You need to say it out loud to him.

Looks like DH has to be on the 7-5 schedule then.

OP, the cooking thing... I get. Basically picking the task he enjoys and suits him and monopolising it, probably leaving you with a shitter task that still has to be done. My kids are quite a bit smaller but at the moment cooking dinner is definitely the preferred option over wrangling two tired, hungry, noisy kids while trying to tidy and put all their detritus away. We share cooking because we know it's the more relaxing option! Your kids are older and probably more self sufficient but if this has gone on for a long time I get how "cooking dinner" might not seem such a boon.

Anyone who makes dinner for me gets a gold star - even if I do have to clean up (and there was a LOT of cleaning up after my ex-DH cooked, but I was more than willing to pay the price!)

He’s a performance cooker isn’t he, OP?!

As in, cooking fancy food is something he takes pride in and enjoys.

it’s so strange how very few men or indeed people in general are performance bog cleaners, bin emptiers, or children’s clothes declutterers. No prestige, often dirty jobs, repetitive, menial.

I do not see a problem with the time/ hours schedule he is proposing but you need to be assertive and very firm about your uninterrupted 8 hours off every Sunday. Hell he fine with that, right?

*he’ll