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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

302 replies

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Edit: We are not in India, this is Great Britain

OP posts:
Motnight · 01/09/2023 16:42

Leave her to it.

Don't push any members of the family into bowing to this ridiculous emotional blackmail.

Drummend01 · 01/09/2023 16:44

I’m sorry but your DC should not be told to move in with their grandmother considering she seems emotionally and mentally unstable. That’s not a good environment for them to have to live in.

Your ex MIL needs psychological help if she’s willing to starve herself to death over this.

FuckingHellAdele · 01/09/2023 16:44

Your children sound like they have more sense than the rest of you, to be honest.

'Mortal danger' indeed.

negomi90 · 01/09/2023 16:45

This is emotional abuse. If a partner says do x or I'll kill myself or hurt myself. You get out and speak to a shelter. If they go on and do it, its not the victim's fault.
Why then is your MIL allowed to do it to your kids? There's no difference between her and an abusive romantic partner.
You need to protect your kids. If MIL is hurting herself she needs a mental health evaluation or a doctor. Sacrificing your kids to her, putting them in a situation where they will be victims of domestic violence (and emotional abuse from a parent/grandparent is domestic violence), makes you culpable.
Protect your kids (even if they are adults) and stop trying to get them to go live with an abuser.

natura · 01/09/2023 16:46

This has got to be a joke.

Bananalanacake · 01/09/2023 16:47

Well that's one way to lose weight!
I'd be delighted if my MIL insisted my 2 live with her, but they are 6 and 9 and drive me round the bend!
Your DC are old enough to live on their own though,

ShellySarah · 01/09/2023 16:47

Mortal danger?

Of her own doing because she is spiteful and manipulative. I feel sorry for your children that they have a grandmother like that and a mother who is encouraging them to pander to this tomfoolery.

Ywudu · 01/09/2023 16:48

Really? Your children are adults and can do as they please. Why would you side with exmil over their feelings?

VeridicalVagabond · 01/09/2023 16:48

Yeah no you're enabling your MIL to emotionally abuse and manipulate your children. They're adults, they can do what they want, and they certainly shouldn't be pushed to moving in with someone so unstable. You should be supporting them in saying no and putting boundaries in place with her.

I'd leave her to it and ignore her personally, she'll soon have a biscuit when she realises no one is interested in her ridiculous display.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/09/2023 16:49

No. I understand the cultural pressures but there is no way that I would be encouraging my kids to respond to that kind of manipulative behaviour. As a pp said, it's emotional blackmail and she should not be allowed to use this to force your dc to do what she wants them to do.

She sounds toxic tbh and your kids are far better off keeping their distance. In your shoes, I would be making it abundantly clear to them that they were free to do whatever they choose and that they are in no way at all responsible for anyone else's choices. If your ex-MIL chooses to starve herself, that's on her...perhaps suggest that your ex-H should look into getting her sectioned if she is a danger to herself and lacks capacity to make sensible decisions.

LindaCrochet · 01/09/2023 16:49

You know what to do. Low/high class divides and bigotry isn't culture btw. Culture is a handy word for excusing all kinds of crap.

They are adults with lives of their own. Indulging this behaviour will achieve nothing. She's not in mortal danger. She's having a tantrum.

If the new wife is behind this, maybe she's hoping mad MIL does keel over and she'll finally get some peace.

Ignore her.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/09/2023 16:49

Your ex MIL is manipulative and controlling, and frankly horrible for her attitude to you. Your children are adults under British law, they can't be forced to move in with anyone. You could kick them out, but there is no guarantee they'll go to her when you do.

I get that culturally you feel you ought to oblige the matriarch, but honestly she's completely nuts and no one should be pandering to her. If she comes to harm it is her fault and no one else's.

There's really no reason for you to be involved in this issue at all. Your children are adults, you legally cannot force them to go, and if you try to push them they'll end up resenting you. Just leave her to have her little tantrum and do not engage with her in any way.

gillygeey · 01/09/2023 16:49

Your dcs shouldn't be forced to uproot & live with her.

MintJulia · 01/09/2023 16:50

Leave your children to make up their own minds. As you say, they are adults and this is the U.K. multigenerational living may not suit them, plus pressuring them will generally have the opposite effect.

Let your ex do his own dirty work, but support your children in whatever they decide to do with THEIR lives.

FuckingHellAdele · 01/09/2023 16:50

Pound to a penny, Granny has her head in the fridge when no one's looking.

Dolphinnoises · 01/09/2023 16:50

You call your kids and apologise. You tell them you were unduly influenced by your MIL’s behaviour and you realise that now. And you’re proud of them for standing their ground.

You then tell your ex that he needs to look after his mother, and make her understand she will only harm her own health by continuing.

If you and the kids gave in, your kids would resent you for not having their back, and your MiL would continue to hate you. Doing as she wants will not change a thing.

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2023 16:52

Wtf?! Absolutely not! Your dc don’t want to , you can’t make them, she’s made her bed by being so rude about your caste, she can live with the consequences.

Malteasersarered · 01/09/2023 16:52

You absolutely can't push this onto your children. Your MIL needs to grow the hell up.

Muchonachomiamigo · 01/09/2023 16:52

This sounds like a fever dream

Goldbar · 01/09/2023 16:53

You are not responsible for ex-MIL's health and wellbeing and your priority should be your children.

If they capitulate on this, in what other way will their lives not be theirs to lead? Will they have to give up their jobs? Get married to candidates of her choice? Spend their free time with her? Become her carers?

You've presumably escaped from a toxic relationship with her, why on earth would you seek to sacrifice your children?

Polkadotfleece · 01/09/2023 16:53

Absolutely leave her to it. Suggest a doctor be called if she continues or starve but you can't make, nor should you make, your children a part of this nonsense. What would she do if they get engaged next month/ year/ move in with a partner ?!

readbooksdrinktea · 01/09/2023 16:54

Ywudu · 01/09/2023 16:48

Really? Your children are adults and can do as they please. Why would you side with exmil over their feelings?

This. Very strange. She sounds like a manipulative woman.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 01/09/2023 16:56

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous, you need to support & protect your children from this old world crap.

I’m Indian by the way.

Inastatus · 01/09/2023 16:57

No way should your children be forced to live with her. She is a controlling bully - do not give in to her demands!