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AIBU?

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Original poster

To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

302 replies

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 01/09/2023 17:26

Someone that narcissistic will never go through with it

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/09/2023 17:26

And when they have partners who tell them 'you can't leave me no matter how abusive I am, if you do I'll kill myself', you'll do the same, tell them 'appease them for now or you'll be responsible if they die'...

Ridiculous and really awful way to raise kids.

I hope your children have more sense than you do - culture has nothing to do with this, this is abusive manipulative behaviour.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 01/09/2023 17:27

Why are you still in contact with the all when your Dc are adults? Your kids will whet you if you make them. Why would you even want to

Noicant · 01/09/2023 17:27

Sounds a bit like my granny but she went straight for the jugular with the “YOU JUST WANT ME TO DIE!!”. Made it to 90 despite not too much caving in to demands. She won’t die, she won’t allow that to happen. Don’t get your kids roped into the manipulation, what will happen if they want to do something she doesn’t approve of? How many hunger strikes will they have to deal with.

Lonicerax · 01/09/2023 17:28

I would tell Dex to discuss directly with DCs so you aren’t to ‘blame’!

billy1966 · 01/09/2023 17:29

Absolutely not.

Your poor children.

Let her die if she wants, THAT'S on HER.

Leave your children alone.

They will not forgive YOU for this.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 01/09/2023 17:31

This is one of those threads where you find yourself hoping it's a wind up.

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 17:31

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You won't be responsible. She's a competent adult; she will.
If anyone is telling you her behaviour/the outcomes are your responsibility, they're wrong and they're colluding with her.
Your adult DC sound more sensible than the rest of you

Fairyliz · 01/09/2023 17:32

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

But you live in western culture and presumably your children were raised here?
Good job they have more common sense than the rest of you.

FloweryWowery · 01/09/2023 17:32

Why are you so embroiled in the life of your ex-DH and ex-MIL? I'd back off completely and leave them to it and support your DC in the choices that are best for them.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 01/09/2023 17:32

@Shirvanirva your DCs have said no. You need to respect your children’s wishes as they are adults who can choose where they live. Why would you insist that your children go to live with such an unpleasant, controlling bitch?

Being Indian is irrelevant. Emotional abusers exist in every culture and nationality and nobody should have to put up with bullying.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/09/2023 17:33

Your dc should live where they like but you must know deep down that if your kids bow to this command then they will be bowing to increasingly more unreasonable ones ?

neonjumper · 01/09/2023 17:33

Awful behaviour on your part even suggesting your children consider this .

You are just perpetuating and passing on inter generational trauma to your children .

You need to educate yourself on the damage this subservient behaviour you expect your children to engage in causes .

You are offering up your own children to appease your own feelings of guilt .

CallistaFlockfart · 01/09/2023 17:33

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You are not responsible for her if she becomes unwell. Starving herself, manipulating and bullying to get her own way are her decisions (or those of your ExH and the new wife). You can't force your DC to move in with her it's their choice.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/09/2023 17:34

A friend and ex colleague had her muslim (not naming country as outing) future MIL pull a similar stunt with her saying she didn’t approve of my friend etc. my friend got engaged to him this spring and had a convo with her face to face basically saying yes I’m getting engaged to your DS, you can stamp your foot etc but it’s happening and it’ll look badly on you future MIL re future grandchildren and that your DS loves me and wants to be happy and loves you and I don’t want to have bad blood between us but I’m not standing for this drama/tantrums.

luckily future MiL seems to have accepted this. My friend is quite bad ass when it comes to what she wants (assertive) but she’s also fair.

i’d let ex MIL starve herself and get sick if that’s what she wants. She’s living in the UK now not India and more importantly she should grow up and let your DC live their lives and not blackmail you through them.

TerfTalking · 01/09/2023 17:34

Sorry OP, but your DC are adults! They are the only ones that get to say whether they want to live with her or not, and they don’t.

anyway I don’t believe she’s starving herself, I bet she has packets of biscuits hidden under her bed for later.

Changeling78 · 01/09/2023 17:34

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You won’t be, she is responsible for her actions.

NutellaNut · 01/09/2023 17:35

Let her starve herself, the silly woman! Why do you even care if she thinks you’re scrum? Let your adult children decide for themselves!

LimeCheesecake · 01/09/2023 17:35

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

Oh OP - you really need to stop and think, if you won’t blame MIL for her own choices, then perhaps look where else the blame should be.

your ExH lives with his mother. His mother’s mental health has deteriorated so much she is risking milling herself from her behaviour. Her own son who lives in the same house, faced with an elderly mother having a mental health crisis is doing nothing to help. He’s not contacted her doctor, he’s not contacting adult social services- he’s not trying to get mental health support for his mother’s obvious illness. He is letting her kill herself so he can win an argument.

I mean, wow, he’s a complete bastard isn’t he? Why would you force your children into that situation?

are any of your children mental health professionals? If not, why do you think they could actually help?

Your ExMIL needs professional help (if she really is starving herself and this isn’t an act to get everyone to jump to her demands). If you send the kids to live there, you will be stopping her getting help.

MinnieTruck · 01/09/2023 17:36

Your children sound like they have more sense than the rest of you

Literally. You’re just enabling your ex MIL

Staggersaurus · 01/09/2023 17:36

She is like a toddler holding her breath until she gets bought the toy she wants. Is this sort of behaviour really part of your culture?

gamerchick · 01/09/2023 17:37

Kind of hope these adult kids get as far away as possible from all of you tbh. Never heard anything as batshit in my life.

sparklefresh · 01/09/2023 17:37

Don't be ridiculous. You would be putting your children into the hands of a manipulative lunatic.

cheezncrackers · 01/09/2023 17:38

Your MIL is abusive and manipulative. Your DC see this and don't want to be abused or manipulated. They have more sense than you in this regard. And that's not being western, that's being sensible. Give in to a bully and you'll make your life hell forever more. Stand up to them and they usually back off.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 01/09/2023 17:39

No. Growing up in a different culture does not mean it's OK for her to abuse her grandchildren. Who presumably grew up in a western culture, fwiw, so will see this for the batshit situation it is. If you give her what she wants the her bullying will continue everyone she wants to get her way. You wouldn't give in to a toddler tantrum, don't give in to her just because she's an adult.

Leave your kids alone, don't force them to live with someone abusive. Sounds like they have the measure of her and enough sense to distance themselved from this nonsense.

In fact, I'd suggest you all block her and any of her flying monkeys. She can scream into the void all she likes, but if you can't hear her then at least she won't be damaging anyone but herself.

Your ex can focus on his mother, if he wants to. If she looks like she's making herself ill he should probably alert a mental health team. They can give her appropriate treatment up to and including sectioning her if they think it necessary. Not your problem.