To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

[Shirvanirva]

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

Im not Indian, but my husband is, and I’ve noticed that this type of emotional bullying and manipulative abuse is common with parents and in laws. I would NOT be tolerating it - let the ridiculous attention seeking woman starve herself - and I would NOT even DREAM of encouraging my children to sacrifice their own needs and freedoms to give in to her bullying?! What were you thinking?! Woman up and protect your children from this nonsense!

She sounds mental. Let your kids do what they want, the drama queen is not your responsibility, nor their/your problem.

@Shirvanirva - I can see why you feel this would fix the problem, but the problem is the grandmother is used to using whatever she can to get her own way, including her own health. Your job as a parent is to get your dcs fit for the adult world, and teaching them to give in to emotional blackmail is not a good lesson, nor is teaching them how to do emotional blackmail effectively!

Tell your dcs to stay away from grandma until she’s stopped throwing a tantrum. Keep it light to them, you’ve realised she’s acting like a toddler stomping her feet to get her own way and best they don’t get involved.

for your MIL, if you are genuinely worried she’s going to starve herself and do damage, she needs medical help, not your children.

Let her starve. It’s not for you to tell your adult DC what to do either, that’s going down the same route as her

😁😁😁

Also tell your exH and exMIL and exH’s new wife that as all children are now over 18, you have no interest in updates from them anymore. They aren’t to contact you directly now. Say if exMIL dies that will be sad but she’s not your family or responsibility.

Please don’t pressure your adult DC into living with their manipulative grandmother. They aren’t responsible for her actions and neither are you. Ignore all requests from her or your ex. She is not your problem.

Tell the old bat to do one.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now.

The ‘other side’? Does this mean you’ve asked them to move in with their emotionally abusive grandmother?

Why would you do that?

Don’t encourage your children to engage with someone using self-harm as a bargaining chip. That is a form of abuse. The best response is to offer the individual assistance on seeking medical
care and then to ignore if they decline.

You what??!!!! No way should they move in. What a blackmailing old bag!

Do not push your kids into being someone else's pawns.

So they'll basically lbe stuck there until she eventually does and you've taught them they're just a commodity to be owned.

One of them doesn't even live with you!! And the other two will think you're just trying to get rid

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

The OP’s MIL is very welcome to my teens. Shall I book a people carrier to pick your two up on the way?

It is not fair on your children support them in saying no. If they move in they could be forced to help and support and ruin their own lives.

she has a son and a dil that is enough

Of course not. Don't negotiate with terrorists. What is she going to want next?

As someone who did live with her in-laws in a multi generational home I do not recommend it unless all parties want it. It is not easy even when everyone decides to do it with their eyes wide open. It's probably awful if you are forced into it.

Are you out of your mind? No!

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

Why would you put them in such a terrible position and send them to live with someone who's clearly abusive and manipulative?

Also, two days is just a small fast. I'm sure she's got snacks hidden somewhere! And if no one else in the family can see how absolutely bat poo crazy this situation is, more fool them. Don't put your children in a horrible situation to appease someone who's clearly got issues.

If her life is in danger I'm sure they're seeking the medical attention it sounds like she desperately needs?

It’s up to your ex husband to get his mother the medical/psychiatric help she needs. Your children are all adults and have the right to decide where they want to live.

None of this changes what the outcome should be.

Block all contact with this scheming exMIL. How dare she try to control your kids who are adults. I agree with the poster who says she has her head in the fridge when no one’s looking. Tell your exH to involve mental health professionals to assess his mothers state of mind.

You're not responsible - you're not the adult deciding to go on hunger strike to manipulate other adults, it's got absolutely zero to do with you.

Er. They're adults and have their own free will

I'm sure she will soon get over it

Not really. Manipulation and blackmail is abusive behaviour not cultural.