To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

[Shirvanirva]

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

Regardless of culture, religion, sex or any other factor, I would not allow myself to be manipulated by anyone else's hunger strike.

If you give in to this, (which would be insanity), it means that you can be fully controlled by manipulation for the rest of your life.

In addition, your children are adults.

You won’t be.

She will be.

And it’s not for you to make your adult DC do anything anyway, this is more emotional blackmail. They’re getting it from all sides. Poor kids

Their grandmother is abusive. I think you have lost the plot thinking your children should move in with her.

But you will categorically not be responsible. She will.

Suppose she does end up really unwell. Why would YOU be responsible? If she is of sound mind she is making her own decision - unwise it may be, but that's on her. And your DC are all adults and it is not up to you to pressure them. If they want to move in, they will. Leave your ex-MIL and your DC to make their own decisions and stay out of it.

No way. Regardless of culture, this is emotional abuse and I'm shocked that you would ask or expect this of your children.

That's aside from the fact they are all adults and can live where they choose. How can you push them to live anywhere.

Nope. I will never appreciate or pander to an archaic, misogynistic culture that uses emotional terrorism to make people bend to their demands.

Shes threatening to kill herself if people don’t do what she wants. It’s not culturally insensitive to suggest that is manipulative. I would call her bluff and insist on getting her medical help for her mental health problems.

I do fully appreciate that. My DH is Indian and I have a lot of respect for the culture. But I really don't think this kind of manipulative behaviour is acceptable by Indian standards either, and you do your culture a disservice imo if you suggest that this kind of emotional blackmail is "normal" for Indian people. Yes, I have seen similar stunts pulled before, but it is not the kind is thing that my Indian friends and family would consider at all reasonable.

Why does a 26 year old need to live with their granny?

They are all adults. You cannot be responsible for the actions of others, only yourself. You move in with your MIL if you want to but don't make them.

No way, teaching your kids to cave in to this kind of emotional blackmail is a terrible life lesson. They're old enough to make their own choice and everyone involved should respect that.

Starving yourself to manipulate someone to move in with you is abusive cultural difference or no cultural difference though.

She's manipulative and you are putting your kids in the middle if it. It's your job to protect them from it or, at the very least, stay the fuck out of it now they are adults. Don't enable such batshit behaviour.

No one dies from not eating for a few days. She'll be fine.

How would you feel if this was a spouse of one of your children. Blackmailing them into staying in a relationship.

You feel differently because it's an elder woman who has grew up in a different culture.

It's wrong.

I agree with other posters and call her GP. Don't force your children to move in with her to appease her.

Your children are adults, so they can decide but they shouldn’t be blackmailed to go and live with her.

But you are not responsible.

She is.

Why the fuck would you even consider inflicting this nonsense on your (adult) children? Just why? It's insane. Do you hate them?

What happens 6 months down the line when she decides that something else is a problem? Will she go on hunger strike again? (big clue - yes she will).

She is an adult, responsible for her own choices... regardless of culture.
I would let my kids near her , at any age!!
There is no need for you to be in contact with her, your ex or the new wife.
Your kids are adults, so you dont get to choose for them either....

Let the silly woman starve. I bet she doesn't.

We can suspend western judgements and understand that you find it hard to go against her wishes because of cultural norms. However, your MIL's behaviour is abusive. It is possible to be a high caste, wealthy, head of a family, and stills be a decent human being. I get that it's hard for you to stand up to her given your relative positions, but it is vital that you do, she does not want what is best for your children, she just wants to have her way. Whatever cultural norms she was raised with, legally and morally she has absolutely no right to make such demands, and threatening to starve herself to get her own way is abusive.

She will be responsible because she is being ridiculous.

why is this or your kids problem? let the silly woman starve if she feels so inclined

Just to let you know. I had a stroke and I was unable to swallow

they didn’t give me a feeding tube till after 21 days

i was just saying this so you don’t think it happens super quick.

But you would not be responsible for the choices which she makes as a capable adult, and neither would your children.

Think about what you are teaching them here. Do you really want them to think that they should be coerced into certain behaviours just in case someone threatens to hurt themselves if they don't?

I absolutely understand the cultural emphasis on respecting elders etc, and if she had asked in a nice way, I might have said yes, encourage them to make her happy. But encouraging them to bend in response to emotional abuse? No, sorry. That is not a healthy thing to teach your kids at all.

Of course you won't be responsible, and of course your kids shouldn't move in with her!