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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

302 replies

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

OP posts:
Overthebow · 01/09/2023 17:14

Why are you putting your MIL above your DC?

Bonbon21 · 01/09/2023 17:15

And if you start using emotional blackmail you are simply mirroring her behaviour.. and your kids wont like that any more than you do....
Be warned!!

ASGIRC · 01/09/2023 17:15

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

It doesnt matter what culture youre from. Emotional blackmail is emotional blackmail,
And this is exactly what that is.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/09/2023 17:15

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You are not responsible for her behaviour. If she comes to harm it is entirely her own fault. Please don't give in to her blackmail. As someone said earlier, don't negotiate with terrorists.

user1496146479 · 01/09/2023 17:16

Don't send your children into this toxic environment!!!!
Cultural or not!!

Madness

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2023 17:16

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You would not be - she would be. Your children have said no you need to support that

mycoffeecup · 01/09/2023 17:16

You had toddlers. Did you give in every time they had a tantrum? No. So why are you even considering it when this woman has a tantrum?

Boomboom22 · 01/09/2023 17:17

You cannot just abuse your children and then say its OK because of culture. Her starving herself is on her, don't make it your kids fault by agreeing it is.

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2023 17:17

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

None of you would be responsible for that.

But that is looking very much through western eyes.

How westernised are your children and how much do they care about their heritage?

Alwaysdecorating · 01/09/2023 17:19

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

No.

I am from a similar back ground.

It’s emotional abuse and your are trying to encourage your adult children to accept and get involved with her abuse.

It’s not only abuse if it’s not part of your culture. Abuse is abuse. The fact that we have been manipulated into believing it’s not abuse or acceptable abuse because she didn’t grow up in the west, is the issue.

HarpieDuJour · 01/09/2023 17:19

If they all move in with her, do you think this will stop? Because it won't. You will have shown her that she only has to threaten to starve herself, and she will get what she wants.

You should support them to say no. Show them that they have to power to make their own decisions.

Raggammuffin · 01/09/2023 17:20

You can't be serious. Do not put pressure on your children (adults though they are) to move in with somebody so manipulative that she'll threaten starvation to get her own way. What a narcissist.

Throckmorton · 01/09/2023 17:20

Why would you even think of doing this to your children?!

MixedRaceMuslim · 01/09/2023 17:21

She sounds like a demanding toddler. Now, I can understand you are worried for her health however if you give in to this tantrum, what will she want next? And what will she threaten to obtain it?

northstars · 01/09/2023 17:21

FWIW, I am an Indian who grew up in India and still think YABVU. This is not normal behaviour that is justified by “growing up in a different culture”. Your MIL is being highly manipulative and I can’t believe you are actually urging your adult children to go along with this.

Birdkin · 01/09/2023 17:21

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

But it won’t just be for now? Do you really think after going to these extreme lengths she’d then just let them leave again?

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 01/09/2023 17:21

This has to be a troll??

If it isn't and it's genuine then I'm sorry but all your children are adults and if they don't want to move in with their sick rich grandparents then don't force it at all!
They clearly are old enough and sensible enough to come to the conclusion they don't want to and fair bloody play they're clearly not just after their money to be forced into doing so.
I says fair play to the kids, you've raised them well. Do not force them and do not be pressured into doing so. Her beloved DS is there with his new wife so let them get on with it...

Raggammuffin · 01/09/2023 17:22

I don't even believe she's really starving herself.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/09/2023 17:22

Let her starve.

itsgettingweird · 01/09/2023 17:22

Don't make adults responsible for other adults behaviour.

If the GM wants to starve herself like a petulant toddler because she can't get her own way that's her lookout.

Be really pleased with yourself for raising young ladies who will stand up for themselves and what's right and encourage that.

primoseyellow · 01/09/2023 17:22

Do not push your adult children away , luckily it sounds like they can see through this crap from their grandmother. Don't give this situation any headspace, say to your children that you would prefer them to live with you/on their own whichever they want, and you will support their descion.

Anytime someone tries to bring this crap up, just reply calmly 'Its up to the children where they live, they are all adults now. It's also up to Grandmother in law what she does with her life'. Then change the subject, rinse and repeat.

justasmalltownmum · 01/09/2023 17:23

Why are you pushing your children away?!

HarpieDuJour · 01/09/2023 17:23

Do you need to be in contact with your ex husband? You might need to block him and his family if this is the result of maintaining contact.

TheBarbieEffect · 01/09/2023 17:23

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You wouldn’t be responsible. She would be responsible.

This is ridiculous.

jeaux90 · 01/09/2023 17:24

Actually this is not only abuse but also coercive control. Coercive control is against the law.

Do not participate in this. This is intended to alienate your DC from you and they are adults anyway.

FGS tell them you love them and their decision is up to them.

Honestly OP woman up.

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