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AIBU?

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Original poster

To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

302 replies

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

OP posts:
lanthanum · 01/09/2023 17:41

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You will not be responsible - you need to be clear about that with yourself.

Neither will your children be responsible - you need to make sure your children know that, and know that you don't think that.

"for now" doesn't work - if they move in, when do they get to move out?

Call social services if you think she needs medical attention.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 01/09/2023 17:41

Sorry but your children are adults - if they don’t want to live there that’s got to be their decision. Don’t worry about MIL if her son loves her he will make sure she is safe.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/09/2023 17:44

If you give into this I bet the next thing will be arranged or forced marriages fir your DC and honour killings if they resist (semi joking on the past bit).

You can guarantee this won’t stop here!

I know Anglo Indian women who were forced into forced marriages and now divorced and to put it mildly don’t underestimate the emotional damage it can cause.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 01/09/2023 17:44

Blimey, what drama.

And how ridiculous.

Please do not push your kids to do this. Support them and say it is not their responsibility to manage the emotional outbursts of an adult woman, and she had no right to control their lives.

If I was one of her grandchildren I would stand her a message saying “love you lots Daadi, looking forward to seeing you for dinner soon, but can’t come and stay, busy with job / exams etc. Take care!”

OP, I know there is history to some stuff, but only certain people make a big deal out of it. My friend with a Brahmin surname changed it by deed poll to rid himself of upper / lower nonsense.

Your exMIL has been watching too many Indian soaps, and your ExH is an absolute controlling half sorted bastard idiot to indulge and engage with it. Well done for him being an Ex.

runningonberocca · 01/09/2023 17:45

Your children are adults and your ex MIL is a manipulative narcissist. Why on earth should they move in with her?

Gymnopedie · 01/09/2023 17:45

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

Neville Chamberlain tried to appease Hitler in 1938. Look where that got him.

SoundsLikeAYouProblem · 01/09/2023 17:46

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You won’t be responsible.
She is responsible for her own actions.

Pista41 · 01/09/2023 17:46

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You wouldn’t be, she would be responsible for starving herself to death in a bizarre and abusive attempt at manipulation.

SpilltheTea · 01/09/2023 17:47

Please don't teach your children to comply with controlling, narcissistic weirdos. She's not going to starve herself to death, she's just having a temper tantrum.

RadishAndTwiglet · 01/09/2023 17:50

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

You leave them alone to make their own decisions. Unless you want them out of your house of course, but you can't tell them where to move into and why would you?

If the silly woman allows herself to starve to death and gets so over-emotional that her low blood pressure kills her that's her problem, not yours. She's chosen to move her family to the UK so she can hardly complain if her grandchildren have ended up embracing normal British values and habits. They are British after all. She doesn't get to call the shots and tell people how and where they should live.

What is it with these Indian mothers? I'm starting to wish I was one. It seems they are treated like living, breathing Gods by the entire family and nobody must make a single decision about their own lives, their spouses, their careers or their living arrangements and must simply wait for their mother to tell them what they can and can't do. I think we British mothers are missing a trick.

Katmai · 01/09/2023 17:51

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You won't be responsible. She and the rest of the family are manipulating you into thinking that you are. That is called blackmail.

Oh, and if your ex-MIL dislikes you because she thinks you are a lower status class, then she might treat your children like dirt too.

itsallnewnow · 01/09/2023 17:53

Erm what?!! Although mixed race myself I do in fact have friends and relatives of Indian descent and am fully aware and support the cultural expectation of multigenerational living. I think it can be amazing and supportive and a fantastic way to bring up kids and in the most part better than how trad whyt families do it, we have my mother living with us.
I don't know a single family member or friend who would act like your MIL she sounds awful. Your kids are right to stay with you. These things should be by consent and because they enhance people's lives. Especially in 2023 in this country!

ihadamarveloustime · 01/09/2023 17:54

Report your ex to social services for elder abuse. He lives there. His mother is starving herself/refusing to eat. FOr all you know, he's set this in action. Welfare concern for the elderly.

Do not give into emotional blackmail. Teach your children not to either

BMW6 · 01/09/2023 17:56

OP your children are grown adults and have the right to live where THEY choose. Neither you, their father or anyone on the planet has the right to try and make them live with their GM.

Her cultural background is irrelevant. They are UK citizens and have the rights of same.

You ought to be careful you don't alienate your children by trying to make them comply in this madness.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/09/2023 17:56

This is fucking twisted. Break the cycle. Free your children from this abusive madness.

Lukasmummy · 01/09/2023 17:58

This is not about "Western prejudice", this is about someone being manipulative and acting like a toddler to get her own way. Perhaps you should ask yourself once she realises this tactic works, what will she escalate it to when this stops being effective? If you were my mother trying to make me live with someone pulling this crap my relationship with you would be finished too.

EmmaEmerald · 01/09/2023 17:59

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

My parents grew up in a different culture

they were delighted to escape it but...that aside, there is no cultural excuse for this level of emotional blackmail.

I would report it to her GP as a wellbeing concern.

I was lucky not to know my grandparents, but my parents protected me from some rather crazy relatives, some of whom also came here.

I cannot think why you think "culture" is an excuse for this behaviour. A serious health problem seems likely in this lady.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/09/2023 17:59

Stand up for your children. She is not going to starve herself, she's just being manipulative.

Why would you suggest your children live with someone like this?

Georgyporky · 01/09/2023 18:01

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You are not responsible in any way for her well-being or lack of it.
It's her decision to stop eating - if that's actually true.

Sleepepeeepe · 01/09/2023 18:03

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

But your children didn’t grow up in that culture and they should not be subject to this emotional abuse.

Why does she want them there? To manipulate them into living the lives she wants them to live?

I also don’t think this is about her and her culture. I am from a similar background. I think this is her way of controlling all of you and your lives.

Let your children stay with you or wherever else they are, lest they end up in therapy for the rest of their lives.

If she kills herself, that’s a tragedy that she brought on entirely herself. Because your children did not want to be controlled or abused did not cause her harm - she caused herself harm.

hiredandsqueak · 01/09/2023 18:04

Don't be ridiculous just block the lot of them and let her starve you shouldn't be pandering to her histrionics. Hopefully your children have more sense and have already blocked them.

MumblesParty · 01/09/2023 18:04

your children are adults, what they do is not your decision, Tell your ex MIL that, over and over.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/09/2023 18:04

Doesn't look like the OP is planning on coming back!

ruby1957 · 01/09/2023 18:05

Actually all of your 3 offspring are not 'kids' or 'children'.
**It is their choice - regardless of the culture of your family they are adults and independent of any maternal or grandmother wishes.

AgnesX · 01/09/2023 18:06

Your children are all adults. Let them make their own decisions and then tell their grandmother themselves if they don't want to go.

I'm not sure how that'll pan out culturally but your MIL needs to know it's not on you.