To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

[Shirvanirva]

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

Your children are adults. Please allow them to make their own decisions.

You should probably think about some therapy for yourself.

Just fyi, this is almost identical to a storyline of an India soap opera that my Nan is watching right now! Even the ages of the dc. You should probably just watch that episode for advice.

Don’t support her in emotionally blackmailing your children. Tell them you fully support them wherever they choose to live.

If she starves herself because she isn’t getting her own way, that’s her problem- not yours and not your children’s.

This is disgusting! Your poor children. For them to not only be unable to trust or have real functioning relationships and love from their grandmother but none from their mother either. If I were your children I’d cut contact with you all, you abhorrent people - cultural or not! If she starves to death by her own hand then that’s no less than she deserves for being such a spiteful, twisted woman. I hope your children don’t fall into this trap of manipulation.

But YOU, or your DCs aren't responsible. This is a personal choice she, an adult, has made all on her own. The only person responsible for her ending up unwell is HER!!

How many people have to tell you that this is controlling coersive abuse. Regardless of her culture, age or race, in the UK that is a serious crime. And you are suggesting facilitating it for a more peaceful life.

No offense, but that's a culture excuse to abuse I can't get on board with and I'll spout my western judgments 'til the cows come home if it knocks some sense into you!

Facilitating abuse against you own children by your ex-inlaws is twisted and makes you just as culpable in this potential crime.

The woman is either a warped sociopath or deeply mentally unstable and requires professional psychological help. Either way, your DC shouldn't be forced to live with her.

She emotionally blackmailing you. Don't fall for it. Your kids are adults. They can live where they like.

@RadishAndTwiglet If not acting venomous and not being racist, why use the term mummyji in a derogatory manner. Why make a point saying go find the equivalent of an Indian mumsnet for advice. Mummyji is often used in respect and you've completely disrespected it.
Why not simply say, "I'm sorry I don't understand your thinking on this but this is my view..."

If that culture involves emotional blackmail, self harm and getting family to give in to ridiculous demands then maybe that isn't a good culture to be in. Think about that before sending your children off to someone who isn't fit to look after them 🙄

Stargazer perhaps because I found being told to suspend my western judgement rather disrepectful and a tad racist?

Don't be ridiculous obviously kids should live with you not a manipulative woman .What's next I don't agree with child's choice so I'll starve myself
Don't engage with this drama

Stop forcing your children to live with her! ignore this batshit woman and let her get on with it!

leave your children out of it - ex MIL is not their problem

Your children are adults and this should be their decision. You can give them your opinion, caution them that their grandmother won't be around forever and is in poor health, etc, but of course they shouldn't be guilted into living with someone. I would be sympathetic if she was requesting a visit, but demanding that they live with her is insane, in my opinion. Then again, I have never had sympathy with hunger strikes. If someone is stupid enough to starve themselves, that's on them. Perhaps if she had treated their mother more kindly, her grandchildren would be more concerned for her well-being.

With the best will in the world, what can you do? You have encouraged them, they have all said no (rightly, IMO, but from your POV that's neither here nor there). They are all legally adults and can choose where to live, you can't force them. At a push, you could chuck out the two living with you so they haven't got anywhere else to go, but that seems a massive overreaction. If I were you, I would now being taking several long steps away from your ex-in-laws altogether. You no longer have minor children in common so there is no need for you to communicate further. If they want to put the pressure on your children, let them get on with it (until your children snap and block them). This isn't a cultural thing, it's a control thing - it's the Indian way to want extended families of several generations to live together, it's not the Indian way to go on hunger strike to achieve this.

she sounds batshit
your 'children' are adults, let them make their own minds up.
MIL will not be made ill by her GC choosing not to live with her, she may be by her wilful decision not to eat.

As one colleague used to say about another colleague who was vegan whenever he had one of his frequent temper tantrums in the office, "needs a decent steak"

Fiollowing

Absolutely this.

@Shirvanirva Stand strong, stand powerful.

You are no way of ''lower class'' than this self~ aggrandising woman.

Stand up for your children.. They don't need to take this nonsense on.

@Shirvanirva If your MIL wants to starve herself, that's her lookout.

It's not dissimilar to people who threaten suicide if a partner were to leave.

No one can live under those levels of threat.

The MIL sounds a Toxic Drama Queen- one can imagine her flinging herself down on a chaise longue in a pretend faint.

Stay strong :)

Do you hate your children? Why would you encourage them to be manipulated this way? I can't believe you're telling them to cave to her demands. 🙄

@RadishAndTwiglet
If you found it disrespectful, then behave like an adult and say so, instead of stooping to a such a level.
Also, I don't think asking people to "not look at it purely from a western perspective" is racist. It's asking people to be open minded and to think outside your own cultural norms to understand what the situation is.
I don't agree with forcing the children to live with their grandmother or appeasing an ex mil. But I understand this is OP's experience.
Educate yourself and Practice a little more empathy and compassion.

Narcissistic blackmailers can never - NEVER - be appeased. They are the origin of the phrase 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile'. All your 'appeasement' will do is encourage her to make more demands.

"She is starving herself until we agree with her terms."
And as for her 'ending up really unwell' - she won't! She's a narcissist, believes the entire world revolves around her and does her bidding. How would the world manage to continue without her? (Goes her thinking.) If there is one thing you can depend upon, a narcissist will never - NEVER - harm themselves. She will put on an act, manipulative act - complain about feeling weak, nauseous, maybe do the Dressing Gown of Doom and speak in a weak voice - but she's probably got a stash of chocolate and pastries in her knicker drawer.

"I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?"
Ages 26, 23 and 18? What you do is, you stop urging. They're right, she is being unreasonable. And they are old enough to make their own decisions. Yes, even your 18-year-old! All three are adults. She's not in mortal danger, she's in a huff.

"Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?"
I do appreciate it. I also appreciate that her personal background is totally irrelevant. Her demands are no less unreasonable because she grew up rich and privileged. So she expects you to do her bidding? Tough.

The main problem you have is actually not her, it's yourself. You have been conditioned by your marriage to her son to ask 'how high' when your ex and his mother shout 'jump!'. And you're finding it really difficult to not respond to them. You're prioritising their demands over your children, FFS! That's how thoroughly they've trained you. I don't know how you're going to rid yourself of this, but I would make it your priority. Maybe counselling? I'd start by talking to your children, apologise for urging them to so her bidding, and maybe - ask them to help you? They see their gran's demands for what they are - unreasonable. You didn't, you asked 'how high'. Talk to your kids, explain why you think you responded the way you did, accept that their response was correct, and ask them to talk it through with you to help you see how to respond the way they did.

Stargazermummy

Also, I don't think asking people to "not look at it purely from a western perspective" is racist. It's asking people to be open minded and to think outside your own cultural norms to understand what the situation is.

The word was judgement, not perspective. That has a slightly more loaded meaning. But I take your point about being open minded and thinking outside of your own cultural norms. Perhaps that's what the OP should have done when considering the responses she received which didn't fit her cultural norms. It goes both ways.

Oh FFS OP, please grow up. You won't be responsible, SHE will be! You know damn well she is lying and won't really do this hunger strike or die, she is using it to manipulate and control. And you, YOU, ARE ALLOWING HER. Enabling her, and offering up your children for her?! Wtf is wrong with you?? You have NO RIGHT to enable her to emotionally manipulate (which is abuse) your children. Who do you think you are to offer up your children to this nasty, abusive, manipulative woman? What sort of mother are you? You should be PROTECTING your children, not telling them to live with abusive person. You are unreasonable and complete way out of line. You're not much of a mother. You should should been deeply ashamed of yourself. You've failed your children.

Just fyi, this is almost identical to a storyline of an India soap opera that my Nan is watching right now! Even the ages of the dc. You should probably just watch that episode for advice.

Mmm. Interesting coincidence!

Why would you be responsible for her choosing to kill herself?

Why do you want your children to spend any time with an abusive person?

This isn't a cultural issue. The woman is mentally unwell.

Suggest she she a Dr and then step back. Protect yourself and your children

😂