My partner's uninvited guest has turned up 5 hours early...

[Cynicaltheorist]

My partner is involved in organising an event tomorrow and was cornered into offering a bed tonight for a person who's coming fro a distance. He doesn't know this guy. There have been a number of increasingly infuriating phone calls about arrival times etc. This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions. I've been really, really busy for the last week and a guest was the last thing I needed. I insisted that this man doesn't arrive before my partner is home from work at 7pm, by which time I will (probably) have finished what I need to do and be in a fit state to host.

The guy has just phoned to say he's a few minutes from our home. He phoned my partner and my partner told him he can come straight here. I'm right in the middle of my work, I haven't had a shower this morning and the breakfast things are still all over the kitchen. I'm so angry with my partner. He's always doing things like this. This guy is going to arrive shortly, he's told me he hasn't had any lunch so presumably will expect me to make him a sandwich. Who the hell turns up five hours early? So bloody rude and entitled.

Dear fucking God, what an attitude.

When you have a work trip, unless you're a struggling charity or something, you expect work to pay the £100 for a Premier Inn or whatever. (I wouldn't be surprised if the guy pocketed the expense money or split it with OP's partner).

Boundary 1: Asking to stay at the home of a colleague you've never visited before instead of paying for a hotel. That's social boundary 1 that he's broken.

OP retreats, & allows this to happen.

When you're imposing on someone, the unspoken social rule is to be as little bother as possible.
Boundary 2: Arriving 5 hours early, inconveniencing the hosts.

OP retreats, & allows this to happen.

Boundary 3: OP said just drop your bags off.
Guy: No. I'm going to wait here.

OP doesn't push back, but allows him to stay.

Boundary 4: OP says please leave.
Guy: No.

OP retreats, & allows this to happen.

Boundary 5: I'm working, don't disturb me.
GUY: I'm hungry.

OP pushes back and says no. I'm not making food for you.

MUMSNET PEOPLE: This guy is breaking a lot of boundaries. Worst case scenario, boundary stompers can get a bit rapey. - this happened to me/my friend.

OP pushes back. You're just fear-mongering, mean bitches.

Well, even if OP refuses to engage or provide an informative update, maybe others can still learn from the situation.

I completely disagree with that.

OP comes on and has a little rant about her partner being thoughtless. Yeah, it happens.

Situation gets dealt with - no drama. OP deals with it. They move on with their lives. No tears flooding the floor or shit hot lawyers needed.

Nobody got murdered/assaulted.

Nobody is a narc (covert or otherwise)/gaslighter/abuser/controller.

That's more or less how real life works for many people.

What are people thanking op when she’s calling posters idiots? I don’t get it.

Well handled OP. If I were you in future I’d be telling DP that next time he invites a guest you don’t know/want into your home then he needs to pay for you to go for a nice spa break, so he can entertain and you can relax.

I think the OP was expecting "Men eh? What are they like? Silly billies. Honestly. NVM hun, you get yourself a glass of wine and Make Them Wait until 7pm to make them dinner."

Same vibes as all my aunties - moaning about the shit their men put them through behind their backs but first up to roll out the red carpet on as soon as a MAN deigned to put in an appearance.

I'm pierced to the core and penitent.

No, I'm not, obviously. So many of the responses on here sound as if they've come direct from the 1950s. What the hell happened to Mumsnet and the legions of tough, strong, clever, stoic and independent-minded women who used to be here? I need to be where they are so I can have a good old grumble and a discussion about sex-based inequality without all the victimy, ooh-you-need-to-be-careful brigade. Is there a new forum where those of us with a bit more gumption than a doormat gather?

It really wasn't rude.

I could have been, but restrained myself.

I can’t imagine anything more doormat like than allowing a man I don’t even know to dictate what goes on in my own home! I’m tired indeed. He should never have been let in because you’re working NOT a travel hostess.

Your thinking is wired so oddly, is this what your partner has fed to you about “guests”?

Either that or you’re enjoying winding us all up.

Take it out on the man who disrespected you in your own home.
Or perhaps find some other way to entertain yourself.

I hope there are not any very young women reading this and thinking it’s normal to be expected to spend all day with a strange man in your home who doesn’t give a a rat’s arse about your reasonable requests.

If anyone has escaped from the 50s, it’s you.

You are probably the sort of woman who would have her boundaries railroaded even more severely and then blame herself or those trying to help her. Very sad.

But by no means all of the replies are like that Many of them are funny, ballsy, helpful, and supportive of you (I supported you, if you look at my posts).
If you post on a public forum, especially here in AIBU, you have to be prepared for the full range of opinions, some of which you obviously won't like.

Some of us also wanted to hear what happened – what did your partner say, how did the uninvited guest's visit proceed etc. Again, many of us (inc me) hoped that you would tell us you tore a strip off your partner, he apologised, and the guest apologised and did something to try to make it up to you.

You told the man to leave your house, then when he said no, you just went back to your office. But of course you're not a "doormat" like us.

Well, I think it's better to be a doormat who doesn't put themselves in the position to have to scuttle away when their big mouth has no impact on a stranger in their house.

Very odd convoluted sort of feminism / equality that has been sold to some women.

The only people benefiting from this situation are the two men.
OP has presented herself as the lamb to the slaughter.
OP would prefer to feel like a lion instead, so would rather roar at a forum full of fellow women trying to support her.

Some of us have met and been harmed by enabling women like this, women who have no concept of solidarity or their own personal sovereignty and boundaries. Instead, they try to integrate you into their own 1950’s downtrodden woman brainwashing, to the detriment of both parties.

Wake up.

You’re deluded if you think you have not come across as a doormat. Your OP and updates do not reflect you being a tough, strong, clever, stoic and independent-minded woman either.

In what year were you born?

Yes. AKA a ‘Pick-me’.

Definition of cool girl:

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cool%20Girl

Basically doormat who will do whatever it takes to please a man and who is happy to slag off other women (see also ‘not like other girls’). They are generally called ‘girls’ because most adult women realise that sort of behaviour is fairly pathetic.

It’s absolutely not a compliment.

Good point.
If we’re talking about an older generation, or a different culture, perhaps we should rise above and explain more gently, even though OP has given us no such courtesies.

What the hell happened to Mumsnet and the legions of tough, strong, clever, stoic and independent-minded women who used to be here?

Nothing happened. They are still here.

They are the ones laughing at the thrilled cool girl frothy gobshite.

I had some sympathy for you initially, OP, but no more. You are not tough at all - you rolled over and let a complete stranger do whatever they wanted in your home. Your DP allowed himself to persuaded to let this complete stranger stay in your home. And yes, women are RIGHT to point out that this guy could be a danger, not silly little sheep living fear-filled lives. Neither you or your DP know who this fucker is, only that you have work in common and yet both of you seem happy enough to do whatever makes him happy. Seeing your replies on other threads, you seem to equate being needlessly unpleasant to people from a distance as being strong. Yet you can't tell a stranger to leave your house and follow through when he refuses to comply.

They're still here and laughing at the people who fear their own shadow.

A strong woman would have put her foot down both with her DP and the random man.

Rather than getting cross with a few (and there were only a few) who said ‘hang on OP, you sure about having a man you don’t know stay in your house with you alone?’ And then shared some pretty awful experiences of their own. But that makes them hysterical and you strong. Right.

You’re not updating because you were walked all over by not one but two men yesterday. And had a go at women trying to help. Go you!

yup.
I can’t believe what I’m reading. I actually told OP pages ago that the men were treating her like a doormat yet she’s on here telling the rest of us that we are the doormats. Okay 🤔

Ach I think I’m fine laughing at frothy gobshites.

I don’t think I would choose to laugh at anyone being ‘fearful of their own shadow’ because I would wonder how they got that way. And some thought their viewpoint and life experiences valid enough to express concern.

How were the women recounting awful experiences or the ones insisting on an update trying to help?

This thread is absolutely mad. I've just read it. Bonkers.

You initially had my sympathy OP.

All of that's gone now.

PP was right. You do sound as insufferable as your husband. Reek of internalised misogyny.

It's MAD to think you'd criticise women for not being okay with letting strange men into their home that neither they or their husband know, alone. What the fuck?

And the venom with which you said it. You're almost as mad with the women who commented about safety etc. Why the hell would this aggravate you the way it did? What's that about? I think you need to have a think about what triggers you 😂

And don't you dare insult women for being smart and careful and not letting strange men into their homes alone (Yes he is a strange man. A work colleague neither you or your husband has met is indeed, a strange man).

Don't you dare equate being smart and realistic and sensible with being weak and a victim of scaremongering. How utterly INSANE!

What is toxic and dangerous is your attitude. You've basically said that any women who doesn't have the confidence or will to put themselves willingly in a potentially risky scenario is weak.

That is truly insane I am speechless.

You did what you did so you got what you got. Don't let strangers who take the piss in your home then! 😂

I didn’t say the ones insisting on an update were trying to help.

I think people share experiences to try to help. You may think they have other motives but I think they were genuinely saying ‘this happened to me so be careful’. It’s not cowering in fear to say ‘hang on I’d rather not have a strange man in my house with me for 5 hours’ It’s protecting boundaries and about feeling comfortable in your own space.

I don’t think the OP directed her anger at the right people..