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Original poster

DH just admitted to having intrusive thoughts, how do I help?

159 replies

elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:20

DH and I have a beautiful 14 week old DD, we had 13 miscarriages before her unexplained so she really is a little miracle to us.

I have a history of anxiety and depression including intrusive thoughts but DH doesn't have any kind of MH history.

He is the most amazing Dad and Husband, he really adores our Daughter and is hands on.

Recently, he hasn't been able to fall asleep like he used to be able to, he gets fidgety and a racing heart to the point he has to get out of bed and lay on the sofa and put the TV on.

Tonight he told me he has been having what he described as horrible "daydreams" he said we were just sitting there watching tv with DD in his arms and he was stroking her leg with his thumb and he said he thought what if he accidentally broke her leg and then he pictured getting her to the hospital and trying to explain it. Also, he is a confident driver but he was driving with her the other evening and he said he felt really panicky then too, that it was dark and he didn't know 100% that she was okay in the back if that makes sense.

I recognise this as intrusive thoughts as I used to get them quite bad and had them on and off for a few weeks post partum.

DH doesn't want tablets but I think maybe a short course of something like propanalol may do him good.

Any advice? Would really like to help him through this. I think as he's never experienced anxiety before, he's struggling to admit that it is anxiety.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 30/08/2023 21:22

He needs to see the GP and you need to safeguard your child.

buzzlightyearsgloves · 30/08/2023 21:23

He needs to see his GO and you need to ensure he's not left alone with your child.

Original poster
elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:25

@DustyLee123 why would I need to safeguard my child? He doesn't have a violent bone in his body, in fact I can count on one hand how many times he's raised a voice in the 16 years we've been together.

He gets them and they upset him, he's cried tonight as he feels like a "weirdo" as he put it to even think it, it's an accidental injury and he is nervous to ever hurt her by accident.

I got them for a few weeks after her birth, visions of dropping her down the stairs, on the kitchen tiles etc. it's related to anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:26

@buzzlightyearsgloves but why? He doesn't ever want to hurt her, he wouldn't ever hurt her.

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 30/08/2023 21:26

Needs to see GP. I'm sure your baba is safe still. Just because he's having these thoughts doesn't mean he's going to do it

Didisquat · 30/08/2023 21:26

It’s classic anxiety…. It’s unfair to say he can never be alone with his child

Sausagesandpeas · 30/08/2023 21:27

The thing that helped me most with my intrusive thoughts and almost took their power away was knowing just how common they are. There is an amazing table somewhere that shows percentages of people who have different intrusive thoughts and I found that so useful. Very very common, especially after a huge life event. It also helped me when I understood that intrusive thoughts had nothing to do with something I might do and actually were the absolute opposite. Can’t explain it very well so not much help - sorry.

Cowlover89 · 30/08/2023 21:27

MN is not really the best place to post cause you'll get comments like that. You don't need to safeguard. X

Triflenot · 30/08/2023 21:27

I agree OP, intrusive thoughts are usually anxiety related, and the people affected are very distressed by their thoughts.

Original poster
elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:27

@Cowlover89 thank you, he would never harm anyone let alone our baby. I'm shocked at the others replies as I've had intrusive thoughts and my baby didn't need safeguarding from me.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 30/08/2023 21:28

People who get these thoughts don't act on them, it's all in the mind. The more you worry though the bigger they become.

Dropthedonkey · 30/08/2023 21:28

I had thought like that after my babies. I was so scared of something bad happening that I would imagine it all in my head. I hadn't heard of intrusive thoughts then. Had counselling which really helped.
Thank fuck no one suggested keeping my baby away from me in case I hurt it!

continentallentil · 30/08/2023 21:28

It sounds like anxiety, and no wonder after so many miscarriages - it’s a way of playing out his fears that something may happen to her.

CBT is probably a good idea. Not medication alone.

Stomacharmeleon · 30/08/2023 21:29

No wonder people struggle to openly discuss their mental health issues!

lemonyaid · 30/08/2023 21:29

Offer to go to the doctor with him.

Original poster
elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:29

Thanks to other posters agreeing I don't need to safeguard my child, it's actually bought tears to my eyes. I'm looking at him now snuggling her up and the way she smiles at him when he gets home from work and plays with her.

He meant something that's not even possible, breaking babies leg by rubbing his thumb on it. You couldn't possibly break your babies leg doing that.

OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 30/08/2023 21:29

Very common, I think it's called harm OCD and doesn't mean he will hurt her. Reassure him and get help for his anxiety.

PerspiringElizabeth · 30/08/2023 21:29

Didisquat · 30/08/2023 21:26

It’s classic anxiety…. It’s unfair to say he can never be alone with his child

Absolutely. It’s his worst fear to hurt the baby, so he’s not gonna do it is he 🙄 previous posters clearly have no experience with intrusive thoughts. His mind is seeking out potential dangers to the baby.

Usernamqwerty · 30/08/2023 21:30

Classic anxiety, as others have said. A psychologist told me once that our anxious brains always imagine the worst...

I highly recommend this book. Really helped me and others I know.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346

moresleepthanks · 30/08/2023 21:30

Intrusive thoughts are surprisingly common as pp have said.
It would seem pretty likely that they are linked to anxiety post birth.
CBT would be an excellent option to start.

Reassure your DH that they don't make him a risk but they do suggest that he should get some support for his anxiety.

continentallentil · 30/08/2023 21:30

@DustyLee123 @buzzlightyearsgloves

For heavens sake the pair of you - the man has anxiety after suffering 14 miscarriages. He’s worried something will happen to this miracle baby, and he’s playing that out in his mind. He needs some support to manage his anxiety is all.

tiredmama23 · 30/08/2023 21:31

Google "harm OCD", OP. This sounds pretty classic to me.

Sausagesandpeas · 30/08/2023 21:31

This is the table I was talking about
https://www.octc.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ocdonlineappendicesapril20th.pdf
Just reading this started to zap the power of my thoughts. So common and ‘just’ anxiety.

https://www.octc.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ocdonlineappendicesapril20th.pdf

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