DH just admitted to having intrusive thoughts, how do I help?

[elm26]

DH and I have a beautiful 14 week old DD, we had 13 miscarriages before her unexplained so she really is a little miracle to us.

I have a history of anxiety and depression including intrusive thoughts but DH doesn't have any kind of MH history.

He is the most amazing Dad and Husband, he really adores our Daughter and is hands on.

Recently, he hasn't been able to fall asleep like he used to be able to, he gets fidgety and a racing heart to the point he has to get out of bed and lay on the sofa and put the TV on.

Tonight he told me he has been having what he described as horrible "daydreams" he said we were just sitting there watching tv with DD in his arms and he was stroking her leg with his thumb and he said he thought what if he accidentally broke her leg and then he pictured getting her to the hospital and trying to explain it. Also, he is a confident driver but he was driving with her the other evening and he said he felt really panicky then too, that it was dark and he didn't know 100% that she was okay in the back if that makes sense.

I recognise this as intrusive thoughts as I used to get them quite bad and had them on and off for a few weeks post partum.

DH doesn't want tablets but I think maybe a short course of something like propanalol may do him good.

Any advice? Would really like to help him through this. I think as he's never experienced anxiety before, he's struggling to admit that it is anxiety.

This is a common and well understood MH condition that, anecdotally at least, seems particularly to affect new parents. I also experienced this. It's not a safeguarding issue. It is very distressing though - it's really good your DH told you rather than bottling it up.

GP/IAPTS will be able to help, if you can afford it, private therapy would be the quicker route. There's a really good book called 'The Happiness Trap' based on Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) which has a few very simple and effective strategies that can be used straight away.

I hope he feels better soon.

How do you know. Do you know everyone on here? I had them and didn't hurt my son.

This is very common for new parents. It's actually really normal! Agree with the pp saying he won't act on them, the fact they're making him so distressed is clear evidence of that.

I remember every time I walked past out kitchen island holding my newborn, I'd think 'what if I smashed her skull against the corner?'. I didn't want to do it, the thought horrified me. Or when I opened an upstairs window, I'd imagine accidentally dropping her out of it onto the ground below. It was horrible, but I knew the thoughts were normal as I'd read about it, so I just ignored them and tried not to give them any power. They gradually went away the bigger and less vulnerable she got. In fact I hadn't even remembered having them until seeing this post.

By all means support him to see the GP if he wants help with it, but actually this might just be something that goes away in time. Maybe if he knows how common it is and that there's nothing wrong with him, that might in itself make him feel better?

I had 10 miscarriages and, honestly, I still have these intrusive thoughts and my children are 10 and 8. You have both gone through a massive trauma and it takes time to heal. You have barely started your healing journey. I am much much better than I was but I can still have times when I sit and think about one of the children dying and going to their funeral. It’s a trauma response and it does get better over time. I didn’t find that mindfulness helped me but some people do. I found just pushing the thoughts out of my head and doing something to keep me busy helped me.

and ignore the ‘safeguard your child’ nonsense. It doesn’t mean he wants to hurt them, he’s just terrified of something happening to them and goes through scenarios in his head. It’s a way of trying to feel in control of keeping his child safe when he’s has been out of control after the miscarriages. Even now, I have plans for what I would do in case of nuclear war for example, doesn’t mean I am going to harm them!

This. I had exactly the same issue when DS was born (it took us many rounds of IVF and miscarriages to get him). Intrysive thoughts are very common. I went to the GP who prescribed me anti anxiety medication which really helped. He also reassured me that I wasn't bonkers, just anxious, and that loads of parents experience it, especially when it has taken a lot to get a healthy baby.

Hi OP. Your husband can self-refer to your local IAPT service for short term therapy. Although it's true that perinatal clients are prioritised, unfortunately in some areas this only applies to the mum and not the partner, but it is definitely worth him asking. Does he have other dads he can talk to? There are quite a few support groups out there for dads now, try Music Football Fatherhood. They have an online support group he can join which might be helpful. He doesn't need to say he's having intrusive thoughts, but sometimes just being around other parents and normalising being anxious can be very validating. There is also a book called "Dropping the baby and other scary thoughts" which might be helpful.

Yes he needs to see gp for tablets or help or he needs to accept most of us get intrusive thoughts I get them but I just ignore them and tell myself it's not the real me thinking them it's a part of my brain. I can't believe the first 2 comments said safeguard your child. I think we have all had thoughts of like a knee jerk reaction of say giving someone a cup of tea and throwing it on them. If you put on mumsnet intrusive thoughts you will get alot of similar exoeriences. I hate it when I get them about my children, I try and shake then away, I am also on tablets not for that and it's not to say tablets dont help for the thoughts but just to accept that everyone can get them no matter what. I told my cousin who is a massive worrier I had intrusive thoughts and she was so relieved when I told her as she felt the same.

I had this and still have it with my beautiful and wanted DD. It’s just because I’m an anxious person and tend to catastrophise a bit in my head. I did the same when there was lots of terrorism a few years back, and wondering/fantasising about how I would react if my loved one was caught up in it. It’s almost like I play out my worst possible fears and try and work out how I will survive, emotionally. I actually talked to a therapist about it. It doesn’t mean I want my family to come to harm. It’s because I love them and it’s almost cathartic in a self harming sort of way to go down that chain of thought.

& @DustyLee123 Why??? He said accidentally broke her leg. He never said "what if I broke her leg for fun" ffs. The poor guy has anxiety!

I used to imagine standing in my first baby, accidentally sitting on her or breaking a limb. I worried myself sick that there was something wrong with me but I then read an article by Miriam Stoppard which explored how new parents often imagine the absolute worst that might happen. It was to do with rehearing tragedy in order for your brain to be on alert to accidents. It’s probably worse if you have had losses and in my case, there’s underlying anxiety (I was on my own most of the time when she was first born). It sounds like your husband is utterly overwhelmed with his new responsibilities and hyper aware of the fragility of life. It does get better! Eventually it is not as daunting and you relax far more.

Well exactly 👏🏻

I’ve suffered with intrusive thoughts for tears, exacerbated by the post partum time both times. I’ve been reluctant to take medication too, mainly because I know they will reduce greatly once the post partum period passes for me. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of them completely, but as long as they’re only occasional I think the cons of medication would outweigh the pros.

what helps me….

Exercise, exercise, exercise! This is the biggest thing for me. Even just getting out for a walk with the pram at times when he knows he’s most likely to suffer from them would probably help.

Sleep. Tiredness is a big trigger for me (not ideal with a new baby I know)

CBT. You can arrange talking therapies for free via your GP. I know in my area waiting times aren’t that long at all at the moment.

Talking about / writing down his thoughts. The fact he’s told you about them is great.

Please ignore the idiots on here who say he can’t be left alone with your DC. If everyone who ever had intrusive thoughts couldn’t be left alone with their children then we would all be screwed.

I know lots of women who have described these types of thoughts in the first few months after birth. My own dh was worried about how tiny dd was and how delicate she felt in his big hands and he was worried he'd accident snap her leg, he stayed awake for the first three nights worried she'd choke on her milk sick. Same with driving, he was worried he didn't know she was safe if his attention was on the road.

He's done brilliant to speak to you, encourage him to go to a gp, one of the reasons people don't seek help is worry about being not deemed safe to be around their child and I can see a few posters have said his baby needs safeguarding against him.

Dh was told that the thoughts popping in the head is not the same as planning to do it and does not mean he's unsafe.

I'm not sure it needs any treatment at the level you've described, it's perfectly normal, I think every parent gets this. In my mother's group we discussed this a few times and everyone said they had thoughts like that. Even my mum, an experienced mother and grandmother, had intrusive thoughts like that when looking after my dc as newborns.

I think he is hyper vigilant over the baby’s safety which is common w new parents and these ‘daydreams’ are fears that not only could other people or situations or health issues cause the baby distress or harm but that he himself as vigilant as he is could even accidentally cause an accident.

And 13 miscarriages? Goodness, I am not surprised he is so fearful. He is scared to death he will accidentally, or something might happen, to put this little miracle in harm’s way. He better not screw this up, is what he’s thinking. Have him see a therapist just to make sure he gets help.

https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/

Lots of info here

Intrusive thoughts are so common, especially in new parents. It doesn't necessarily mean OCD; no one here can say he has OCD.

Either way, referring to your local IAPT/ Talking Therapies will help.

I do have OCD. I also have intrusive thoughts which aren't due to my OCD. I can push them away now, thankfully, as I no longer fear them. They are still horrible when they happen.

It's great that your husband has been open with you.

I had awful intrusive thoughts with my first baby. It actually made me ill. Intrusive thoughts are NOT about wanting to cause harm. It’s about being so fearful of harm coming to the child and the overwhelming responsibility you feel towards protecting them, your brain forces you to look at all the horrible dangers and possibilities which can cause you to fixate and become fearful. It is anxiety based and it’s fucking awful.
I was later diagnosed with post natal depression and I have recently given birth to my son and have not had a single intrusive thought once. The people saying your child needs safeguarding are seriously lacking any understanding of how anxiety presents and they clearly have no idea what intrusive thoughts are. Don’t listen to them. He may need counselling or some support from his GP. Very positive that he has opened up to you about this!

Why would you even say something like that? Don’t you know that there are MILLIONS of mothers who have intrusive thoughts. Should they never be alone with their children because of it?

Maybe you don’t know how anxiety and intrusive thoughts work and if that’s the case then you shouldn’t have commented. Disgusting comments tbh

It’s positive he’s talking to you. And ridiculous, offensive comments about not leaving him. Having the thoughts does not mean he will do anything. I’d suggest he could speak to Gp, or could you afford private counselling if that’s a better option?

I had intrusive thoughts too OP, we had a steep wooden staircase and I'd have visions of dropping newborn DS down them. As awful as they are it's classic anxiety.

I took a shit ton of Bach flower rescue remedy which really helped take the edge off.

I hope your husband is ok, it's horrible when it happens x

Gosh how silly some posters are. These thoughts are just in the same vein as feeling like you’re going to throw yourself off a cliff and being terrified that you might temporarily lose your mind and actually do it. Or you’ll sleep walk and jump out of a window.

It’s a normal response to trauma x

I was meant to tag @DustyLee123 and @buzzlightyearsgloves

Yep. Comments like that are so ignorant, and dangerous.

I also don't understand why people are posting not to leave him with the baby!?!

My DH gets thoughts like this, it's OCD. He really needs to talk to his doctor. Short term antidepressants should help and CBT therapy. 💐