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Original poster

DH just admitted to having intrusive thoughts, how do I help?

159 replies

elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:20

DH and I have a beautiful 14 week old DD, we had 13 miscarriages before her unexplained so she really is a little miracle to us.

I have a history of anxiety and depression including intrusive thoughts but DH doesn't have any kind of MH history.

He is the most amazing Dad and Husband, he really adores our Daughter and is hands on.

Recently, he hasn't been able to fall asleep like he used to be able to, he gets fidgety and a racing heart to the point he has to get out of bed and lay on the sofa and put the TV on.

Tonight he told me he has been having what he described as horrible "daydreams" he said we were just sitting there watching tv with DD in his arms and he was stroking her leg with his thumb and he said he thought what if he accidentally broke her leg and then he pictured getting her to the hospital and trying to explain it. Also, he is a confident driver but he was driving with her the other evening and he said he felt really panicky then too, that it was dark and he didn't know 100% that she was okay in the back if that makes sense.

I recognise this as intrusive thoughts as I used to get them quite bad and had them on and off for a few weeks post partum.

DH doesn't want tablets but I think maybe a short course of something like propanalol may do him good.

Any advice? Would really like to help him through this. I think as he's never experienced anxiety before, he's struggling to admit that it is anxiety.

OP posts:
YoureALizardHarry11 · 31/08/2023 03:38

I had harm OCD. It’s absolutely horrific. I was crying over the thoughts. They get so intense that you can actually think you will carry them out and are a monster, but you never do. Your DH has my sympathy.

I managed to recover after about 8 sessions of therapy. I still have harm related thoughts occasionally, but now I’m not so bothered and can let them pass knowing it’s just a thought I have no intention of acting on.

highdaysandholudays · 31/08/2023 03:39

@Trusttheprocess1 I was saved by Miriam Stoppard also. She mentioned about having an intrusive thought of throwing her baby against the wall. I can remember having a thought of throwing my DD out the window. I was knackered. It was such a distressing feeling I got antidepressants and my health visitor came to visit to help me. I don't remember ever disclosing the thought. My DD is 21 now but Miriam Stoppards book was enormously helpful in those early days before the internet access we have now.

Thehippowife · 31/08/2023 03:58

Why would this man need to be kept away from
his baby??!!! More madness on here.
I reckon we have the entire staff of a bubble
wrap factory on here giving views.

intrusive thoughts are common and simply due to anxiety and stress. He is a dad after years of wanting a precious baby to love, now she is his world and he is anxious about keeping her safe. Bloody hell, they’ll have you locked up on here.

elifont · 31/08/2023 04:06

Thehippowife · 31/08/2023 03:58

Why would this man need to be kept away from
his baby??!!! More madness on here.
I reckon we have the entire staff of a bubble
wrap factory on here giving views.

intrusive thoughts are common and simply due to anxiety and stress. He is a dad after years of wanting a precious baby to love, now she is his world and he is anxious about keeping her safe. Bloody hell, they’ll have you locked up on here.

I think the term 'intrusive thoughts' isn't clear. This man is just thinking worst case scenario and then how to protect the baby.
Other peoples intrusive Thoughts are unpredictable and scary that you can react and put baby at harm. It's intrusive because it's a thought that intrudes the brain and you react before you weigh up consequences

Lwrenagain · 31/08/2023 05:06

Hi @elm26, glad DD is well and hope you are also.
I followed your HG journey and shitty birth story and have wondered how you are doing.

Intrusive thoughts are the worst, I gave birth 2 weeks ago now to my DD who was born in a hosptial related to the Lucy Letby case and I've had times I just look at my beautiful little early baby and think of how the parents of LL victims even remotely are coping and yeah, it's had me twisted.

After the trauma yourself and DH have endured getting your beautiful little lass here it's not a surprise that anxiety is manifesting in some way.
Intrusive thoughts are extremely common, especially after having a much loved and wanted baby, the brain seems to struggle with acceptance that things are going well.

Definitely seek out someone professional for him to discuss this with, just so he can make sense of why these thoughts are occurring so a professional can reassure him it's normal after big events and trauma.

You sounds like incredible parents, both of you. Many blessings to your lovely family @elm26 x

Vegetus · 31/08/2023 06:15

buzzlightyearsgloves · 30/08/2023 21:23

He needs to see his GO and you need to ensure he's not left alone with your child.

What the fuck are you talking about.

Trusttheprocess1 · 31/08/2023 09:22

My first ‘baby’ is also 21! Good old Miriam stopped me going crackers many times!

Dramatico · 31/08/2023 11:16

Intrusive thoughts in new parents about hurting their children are apparently pretty common. They cause fear and disgust and can be very distressing.

Some evolutionary psychologists think such thoughts played an evolutionary survival role as in the past they would have reminded hominid parents of how vulnerable their young are and therefore encourage them to be on the lookout for potential danger (from other hominids in the tribe as well as outside sources). But obviously when they are intrusive and compulsive they can be very distressing.

He's not a bad dad, there's nothing wrong with him, and yes maybe a short course of a psychoactive med (not propanolol which address physical symptons only) may help. Paroxetine is good for intrusive thoughts, OCD and enxiety.

CornishBarbie · 31/08/2023 11:23

Get him on the NOCD app it's amazing.

Codependantnomore · 31/08/2023 11:31

Absolutely ridiculous to those saying the baby need’s safeguarding. Such ignorance.

HappyPurrrsday · 31/08/2023 11:34

I also went through a really bad bout of this, exactly as your husband described- I felt reading up on intrusivec thoughts, anxiety and OCD helped. I know it’s just my brain’s reaction to stress and anxiety and doesn’t mean anything about me as a person - that knowledge goes a long way (I know I’m not a bad person, for example.). Also, knowing it’s like a protective mechanism in my brain that’s just gone haywire.

I also know it’s incredibly common and have read many other accounts of it on mumsnet, Reddit etc.

so I’m not scared of it and I can let it wash over me. A bad thought is just a bad thought. It is gone as quickly as it arrived.

because of this, I’ve never bothered to mention it to HCP. I feel like I have been able to deal with it/deescalate it myself.

Hope your husband can do the same.

good luck 😊

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 31/08/2023 11:35

See, I have an OCD dx as well as others and have intrusive thoughts about harm coming to those I love and sometimes me being responsible for it. My therapist said that it is just the brain's natural vigilance getting 'out of whack', and does not mean you will act on it, your brain is telling you not to do it. ITMS. DH is likely very anxious re the baby and making sure that he is protecting his new family. If it is distressing him, he needs to ask the GP for ADS or similar, but it's not a safeguarding issue FFS!

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 11:40

elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:27

@Cowlover89 thank you, he would never harm anyone let alone our baby. I'm shocked at the others replies as I've had intrusive thoughts and my baby didn't need safeguarding from me.

I think people are confusing anxiety-ridden "omg what if I did something accidentally that hurt her and then everyone would think I'd done it on purpose and then SS would take her away" and "imagine if I just broke her leg right now, imagine the high, but oh shit how would I explain it".
I think anyone who's had intrusive thoughts understands it's the former, that he is neither a weirdo or a danger but that yes it's worth explaining to the GP he's having anxiety attacks about the back being accidentally injured.

clarepetal · 31/08/2023 11:44

Cowlover89 · 30/08/2023 21:27

MN is not really the best place to post cause you'll get comments like that. You don't need to safeguard. X

Exactly this. Get him to the docs. I'm not surprised he's anxious after you have had so many miscarriages.
Hopefully, the doc will help him manage his anxiety so that you can both enjoy being parents as you deserve to. Hugs to you both. X

clarepetal · 31/08/2023 11:46

Also, I remember Richard Herring (comedian) saying when his first child was born when he was holding her one day and he realised how easy it could be to just break her neck. I totally resonated with this, and I think it can be a common reaction in the early days.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 31/08/2023 11:46

Classic severe anxiety, like pps have said.

Galiana · 31/08/2023 11:54

Intrusive thoughts are really very, very normal. It's how we respond to them that can cause problems.

When my first DC was born I often had thoughts such as 'what if I accidentally go mad and stab him', 'what if I throw him down the stairs'.

I had absolutely no intention of doing anything at all, and was in no way a danger yo my child. I think having a newborn for the first time is such an overwhelming responsibility that the brain runs through all kind of mad scenarios. I think it's entirely normal.

However, because the thoughts are so abhorrent, it can absolutely lead people to think that there's something wrong with them, and then it becomes a bit cyclical and consequently then cause MH problems.

I'd encourage your DH to talk OP and maybe find some literature on intrusive thoughts and how normal they are. He needs to rationalise them and realise it's ok and he's not experiencing anything unusual.

SomeCatFromJapan · 31/08/2023 12:11

Other peoples intrusive Thoughts are unpredictable and scary that you can react and put baby at harm. It's intrusive because it's a thought that intrudes the brain and you react before you weigh up consequences

I completely disagree. Intrusive thoughts are your brain conjuring up the worst, most horrifying thing you can think of in the moment. They are precisely the things you would least want to do ever.

Original poster
elm26 · 31/08/2023 13:37

Congratulations @Lwrenagain and thank you 🩷

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 31/08/2023 13:41

Again, I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind and understanding comments. I guess it's just thrown me and shows that these kind of thoughts/anxiety etc can happen to the people you least expect.

DH runs his own business, has lots of friends, is confident in all aspects of his life and his level headedness and his ability to calm me down and comfort me during my depressive and anxious episodes are some of the things I love most about him, so to see him suffer and cry really hit me but we are a team and I will help him and support him in any way that I can.

Our beautiful DD is the light and love of our lives, we thought we'd never be lucky enough to be Mum & Dad and suddenly she's here and our dreams that seemed really impossible have become reality and it's scary for anyone to be responsible for a tiny human but we have the added anxiety aspect of expecting it all to disappear because we've been through so much loss.

Thanks again x

OP posts:
viviscool · 31/08/2023 17:29

intrusive thoughts is OCD, which can be helped with ERP (exposure response prevention) and medication. Actually medication is particularly effective for OCD.

Chanhedforthis · 31/08/2023 17:46

Please ignore the first reply OP.
Your DH is far from a risk to your DD. He is clearly suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Fellow sufferer here, I have had every thought imaginable from running someone over, catching HIV and harming my child/others.

He worries about harming DD as she is the most precious thing in the world to him.

Unfortunately a lot of people see OCD as a bit of handwashing or being tidy, whereas in my case and many others, it can be debilitating.

I would suggest seeking CBT, i did myself through the 'Mind' charity many years ago. My first appointment took 2 hours as i had so much to offload!

The books 'Imp of the mind' and 'overcoming ocd' are highly recommended, i still read them when my intrusive thoughts pop up.

Please feel free to message me if you need further advice.

Chanhedforthis · 31/08/2023 17:49

Actually medication is particularly effective for OCD.

Completely agree with this. I was against medication for years however when i became suicidal i gave it a shot. It really helped, took the edge off the thoughts and helped me engage with my therapy better.
Im now on a low daily dose of citalopram and it really helps.

jimmyhill · 31/08/2023 17:51

Everyone has intrusive thoughts the mistake is talking about them. Fast route to the loony bin when it's about hurting kids!

Winterday1991 · 31/08/2023 17:51

They are just intrusive thoughts, totally normal. Please do not worry about this.