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Original poster

DH just admitted to having intrusive thoughts, how do I help?

159 replies

elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:20

DH and I have a beautiful 14 week old DD, we had 13 miscarriages before her unexplained so she really is a little miracle to us.

I have a history of anxiety and depression including intrusive thoughts but DH doesn't have any kind of MH history.

He is the most amazing Dad and Husband, he really adores our Daughter and is hands on.

Recently, he hasn't been able to fall asleep like he used to be able to, he gets fidgety and a racing heart to the point he has to get out of bed and lay on the sofa and put the TV on.

Tonight he told me he has been having what he described as horrible "daydreams" he said we were just sitting there watching tv with DD in his arms and he was stroking her leg with his thumb and he said he thought what if he accidentally broke her leg and then he pictured getting her to the hospital and trying to explain it. Also, he is a confident driver but he was driving with her the other evening and he said he felt really panicky then too, that it was dark and he didn't know 100% that she was okay in the back if that makes sense.

I recognise this as intrusive thoughts as I used to get them quite bad and had them on and off for a few weeks post partum.

DH doesn't want tablets but I think maybe a short course of something like propanalol may do him good.

Any advice? Would really like to help him through this. I think as he's never experienced anxiety before, he's struggling to admit that it is anxiety.

OP posts:
Floatlikeafeather2 · 30/08/2023 22:37

40 years ago, when we had our first baby, both of us had these kind of thoughts. We had an open fire as our only heating and keeping it going was something we did on auto pilot. Likewise, finished with your crisp packet/apple core/letter from the bank, lob it into the fire. My husband's fear was that he would accidentally throw the baby on the fire. It really worried him for the first few weeks but it wore off. Mine was tripping while I was carrying her and shooting her across the room. Again, this wore off. I was too busy learning to be a mum, I guess. We assumed it was a normal thing and it wouldn't have occurred to either of us to go to the doctor about it. I am not at all suggesting your husband shouldn't if it continues to upset him, but it might be a short term thing like it was for both of us, with very clear links to this very new and scary situation we found ourselves in. In your case, it's been a long and difficult journey to get there too. Reassure him that he isn't the only one.

Passtheturkey · 30/08/2023 22:39

I really recommend this book. It helped my DH and reading it helped me support him without adding weight to the thoughts which I had been unintentionally doing.

No need to safeguard, his brain is focusing on the thoughts because they are abhorrent to him.

Overcoming unwanted thoughts

truthhurts23 · 30/08/2023 22:40

Starsnspikes · 30/08/2023 22:29

You are fundamentally misunderstanding what intrusive thoughts are. They're not indicative of what her DH wants to do, they represent all the things he's terrified of doing. His testosterone levels have nothing to do with it!

Show quote history

I have a perfect understanding of what intrusive thoughts are
intrusive thoughts can happen for a number of reasons, stress, anxiety, anger, boredom, happiness,
and hormonal fluctuations which is why women get intrusive thoughts after birth
it doesn't matter why he is getting them, its important that he addresses them because they are effecting him in abnormal way
like when he was driving, which can be potentially dangerous
men are more impulsive, just saying..

Dotcheck · 30/08/2023 22:41

I remember getting these after my first was born. I could clearly see myself tumbling down the stairs with him in my arms, and many other impossible scenarios.
I didn’t get help and they did fade away.

fluffy2buffy · 30/08/2023 22:45

I'm so disheartened to read the first couple of replies. It's pure ignorance but as usual the loudest and quickest knee jerk reaction.

Intrusive thoughts come from not trusting yourself and being worried about doing the wrong thing because you care! It's anxiety.

AmazingSnakeHead · 30/08/2023 22:48

I think it's helpful to understand the cause of these thoughts. I used to get them a lot when DS was a baby and still do now occasionally that he's 3. When we stand near water I vividly imagine him falling in, or sometimes me accidentally pushing or knocking him in. Same for heights or by busy roads. When he was a baby it was for everything: broken bones, bump to the head, it was (and is) absolutely horrible. In my case I blamed (perhaps unfairly) my DP for being letting his own anxiety over baby being harmed get to me. But anyway, I read somewhere that these thoughts are caused by your protective instinct going into overdrive. It's actually because you love your baby and want to keep them as safe as possible that your mind frantically conjures up scenarios where they're hurt or you hurt them, so you can prepare and be ready to protect them. Although it's still horrible to experience, I found that knowing that they were a sign of love and came from a place of "good" parenting rather than some sinister unconscious lack of love, it really helped me to process the thoughts and integrate them.

Keyworks · 30/08/2023 22:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CKL987 · 30/08/2023 22:52

I listened to a podcast once and it talked about this type of thing and basically said it happens to many people and actually people are fearful of these things rather than actually likely to do them. I've had plenty of random intrusive thoughts like this but have never nearly acted on them.

Hadtochangeitforthis · 30/08/2023 22:54

Hi op

i work in mental health primary care therapies and hear this all of the time. Mostly from mothers and I’d think this is because men can find it difficult to share, rather than not happening. So it’s great that he has been able to share with you. I wouldn’t have safeguarding concerns with this information, I’d be normalising this and then exploring anxiety or low mood and working on this if required. Sometimes we can have intrusive thoughts without the need for therapy but always best to explore. As your baby is under 2 you and your partner would be prioritised for talking therapies so worth referring to your local one or speaking to GP as support will quickly be available x

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 30/08/2023 22:54

I had these post-partum and after accidents. What worked was understanding what they are, reading about how common they are and anti-anxiety meds. I also saw a psychiatrist as part of the accident compensation claim and he explained them to me and how the medication would help. The post-birth ones were worse and went on longer due to sleep-deprivation and I wanted to breast-feed so couldn’t take medication, or so I was told, although now I believe there are appropriate meds.

It’s so good he’s told you and that you understand about them. He needs to get to a doctor and try some talking therapy, if it’s available. Exercise, fresh air and avoiding caffeine and alcohol should also help, as they can really dial up the thoughts. The thing that helped me most was finding out how many people have them and that I shouldn’t be ashamed of them.

Heyheyitsanotherday · 30/08/2023 22:57

Your poor dh. I had very similar thoughts post partum. Really random… what if I banged her head on the table by accident. What if she fell over a railing whilst out shopping. Bloody awful! I used to feel sick and panicky. Spoke to the gp and had some cbt. It’s so common! Also had some anti anxiety meds too, just for 6 months and they massively helped. I still get intrusive thoughts but not half as bad. Your little one is safe with him. He’s more worried of the “what ifs” our minds spark up at the worst times. Try get him to talk to a professional. And reassure him he’s not a weirdo. 💕

BygoneDays · 30/08/2023 23:01

buzzlightyearsgloves · 30/08/2023 21:23

He needs to see his GO and you need to ensure he's not left alone with your child.

You are sick.

Whitepaleness · 30/08/2023 23:07

What??? I thought this was normal and happened to everyone?

I pictured my little girl falling out a window a few days ago and while driving think what if I drove into the central barrier. I’ve definitely asked other people before and im not alone.

dancingdaisies · 30/08/2023 23:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Northernsoul72 · 30/08/2023 23:10

I hope that your husband can get some help from the GP. That's why intrusive thoughts are so distressing, its because the person is highly unlikely to act on them and quite often they feel weird and disgusting for having them. I guess in the meantime just reassure him, a thought is just a thought, thoughts are not facts.

DonnaBanana · 30/08/2023 23:17

If this isn’t just “being a human” then I must be ill too. I’m always having random thoughts, some unpleasant, but that’s what brains do. I don’t act upon them, they’re just thoughts.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 30/08/2023 23:26

Many people gave these thoughts; if it’s post partum and causing distress then he can seek help but as is evident here, harm OCD (any kind of OCD really) is hugely misunderstood. Not sure if anyone has suggested it but the websites of OCD UK and OCD Action are very good, also Anxiety UK. My DD20 has been housebound for 5 years due to severe OCD so sadly I’m a bloody expert. Hopefully your DH will be reassured by the facts and be able to get some help ASAP.

caringcarer · 30/08/2023 23:40

He needs to go to his GP. They can't help if they havr no idea he is suffering.

DontBeATwatPlease · 30/08/2023 23:45

DustyLee123 · 30/08/2023 21:22

He needs to see the GP and you need to safeguard your child.

I think you've misunderstood what the OP is describing. It doesn't sound like he has aggressive intrusive e thoughts, more like worry and fear of handling such a tiny nany. The thoughts in the car just show how he is perhaps feeling to huge responsibility of being protector of his baby and any idiot driver could harm her.

Just think if you're a man and you've got a tiny baby in your hands just think of the size of his thumb against her leg is it any wonder at times you might feel that even some stroking might hurt a fragile baby? what the op is describing sounds more like a husband is feeling anxiety of being a new dad.

He needs to be reassured
it's normal for new dads to have these fears and worry about protecting her.

Its sad the safeguarding, rather than the nurturing and normal paternal anxieties, is the first Conclusion.

DontBeATwatPlease · 30/08/2023 23:49

elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:25

@DustyLee123 why would I need to safeguard my child? He doesn't have a violent bone in his body, in fact I can count on one hand how many times he's raised a voice in the 16 years we've been together.

He gets them and they upset him, he's cried tonight as he feels like a "weirdo" as he put it to even think it, it's an accidental injury and he is nervous to ever hurt her by accident.

I got them for a few weeks after her birth, visions of dropping her down the stairs, on the kitchen tiles etc. it's related to anxiety.

I totally agree with you, as in post above: I havent RTFT yet as I was shocked how this was so readily jumped on, within the first few posts, as a safeguarding issue.

Original poster
elm26 · 31/08/2023 03:22

I'm up doing DDs night feed and just wanted to thank everyone who came with kind, helpful comments and support.

Thank you also for the congratulations messages 😊

We had a good chat in bed before we went to sleep and I made it clear that I'm here to support him and he agreed that he would see GP and we will find a private therapist who can help.

I wouldn't dare repeat what some have said on here about safeguarding our baby away from him, he'd be truly devastated. He is an amazing man, kind and respectful, works hard and is a great husband and Dad. It makes my heart warm and fuzzy every time I see them together and I thought that would have worn off by now, I'm not sure it ever will.

Thanks again for all of the useful links and suggestions of how to control them or just simply the nice understanding messages. I read a few to him and I think it's reassured him.

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 31/08/2023 03:24

As for sleep, we won the baby lottery I think!

She's always loved her sleep and we do bath at 8pm, bottle at 9 and she goes down until 3 then she has another bottle and is down again until 7-8am so we're not massively sleep deprived, tired absolutely but we both get a decent amount of sleep 😊

OP posts:
fourlambbhunas · 31/08/2023 03:28

The reason he's so distressed by the intrusive thoughts is because he would never ever do anything like that, comments saying not to leave him alone with his child are ridiculous! I had awful intrusive thoughts and found a small dose of sertraline has completely taken all my anxiety away. I hope he knows he's not alone (and you too of course!)

Wowokthanks · 31/08/2023 03:37

I agree, your partners thoughts are not a sign you need to safeguard your DD. I think that the best option is to discuss this with the GP, I don't know if you have a mental health wellbeing service in your area, but they can assess, diagnose and offer treatment for OCD in my area, so please check for something similar in your area.

Also, I'd like to say, it's excellent that he has support, outside of that, one of the most helpful things I heard was from my therapist, who said, the fact that you have these intrusive thoughts comes from an extreme concern that you will cause injury, it isn't a pleasurable thought, its accompanied by a significant amount of distress, which means you are less likely than almost anyone else to cause that type of harm.
That removed a shit load of guilt that I was having about the intrusive thoughts I had.

I had to go through CBT for OCD again just after my son was born- we had fertility issues and it took 12 years to have him, and I was so scared that something terrible would happen. One of the scariest things was that every time there was a shadow on my son, I'd convince myself that he was bruised. I had my husband checking, I had MIL checking, I was taking Photos, driving myself around the bend that I'd hurt him when all I was doing was handling him in a very gentle fashion. Good job I worked through that when he was a baby, because now he's tumbling about, and he is actually knocking himself into things (in example, he headbutted a table in a restaurant a few days ago) I'd have been out of my mind with worry.

Also, might be worth saying, group therapy, if he's offered it can be especially helpful, it's useful to see other people sometimes have similar concerns, and it removes some of the girls and isolation you can feel.