Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH just admitted to having intrusive thoughts, how do I help?

159 replies

elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:20

DH and I have a beautiful 14 week old DD, we had 13 miscarriages before her unexplained so she really is a little miracle to us.

I have a history of anxiety and depression including intrusive thoughts but DH doesn't have any kind of MH history.

He is the most amazing Dad and Husband, he really adores our Daughter and is hands on.

Recently, he hasn't been able to fall asleep like he used to be able to, he gets fidgety and a racing heart to the point he has to get out of bed and lay on the sofa and put the TV on.

Tonight he told me he has been having what he described as horrible "daydreams" he said we were just sitting there watching tv with DD in his arms and he was stroking her leg with his thumb and he said he thought what if he accidentally broke her leg and then he pictured getting her to the hospital and trying to explain it. Also, he is a confident driver but he was driving with her the other evening and he said he felt really panicky then too, that it was dark and he didn't know 100% that she was okay in the back if that makes sense.

I recognise this as intrusive thoughts as I used to get them quite bad and had them on and off for a few weeks post partum.

DH doesn't want tablets but I think maybe a short course of something like propanalol may do him good.

Any advice? Would really like to help him through this. I think as he's never experienced anxiety before, he's struggling to admit that it is anxiety.

OP posts:
sevencontinents · 30/08/2023 21:31

Just to reiterate that this sounds like ocd.
People who are saying you need to safeguard your child are clearly not familiar with post partum ocd that can occur in men and women. I suggest either you or he phone OCD UK to get some support and advice moving forward. This is really very treatable if caught early but it won't get better if allowed to fester. Good luck to you both x

Vanillalime · 30/08/2023 21:31

Completely disagree that there is a need to safeguard your baby. Totally understandable your husband is having these thoughts after what you have going through on the past.

I would gently encourage him to visit his doctor for some CBT or tablets to help.

hooplahoop · 30/08/2023 21:32

Its great he told you . Your local area will have a nhs talking therapy service that will offer him a priority service as your baby is young . CBT can be really helpful for intrusive thoughts . Also many areas are launching new perinatal loss services which me may be eligible for after the miscarriages .

Sausagesandpeas · 30/08/2023 21:32

@melisma you beat me!

melisma · 30/08/2023 21:32

Snap @Sausagesandpeas 😁

Original poster
elm26 · 30/08/2023 21:32

Thanks everyone, will do some research with him and support him the best I can.

OP posts:
Goatymum · 30/08/2023 21:32

Def get him to GP asap!

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 30/08/2023 21:33

I had awful intrusive thoughts when I had PND with DD, but nothing after DS when I didn’t have PND.

I thought some awful things about the baby being hurt, by accident but caused by me or DH. It was absolutely horrific.

I went to the GP and was referred for CBT as well as being prescribed antidepressants (my mood was also very low). I also spoke to my boss (a therapist) who explained more about where these thoughts come from which really helped.

there was absolutely no way I was ever going to act out any of these thoughts or harm our baby - I was horrified by them.

hooplahoop · 30/08/2023 21:33

And congratulations on the arrival of your daughter - I am sure you are both wonderful parents

6monthsto50 · 30/08/2023 21:34

CBT helps with managing these thoughts.

My impression was that OP described her partners thoughts as what if this happened to baby in my care? Not that he wants to do it.

Anxiety and catastrophising is common when you suddenly become responsible for another human being especially a baby. CBT will help him with stopping the thoughts escalating.

Packedlunchoftinkywinky · 30/08/2023 21:35

We have thousands of ridiculous and unhelpful thoughts each day. Usually we are able to filter these out. It’s alarming when we focus on some of the more disturbing ones. Just because he thought it, doesn’t make it real. You can get self-help CBT books for intrusive thoughts from Amazon that he may find helpful. x

mintich · 30/08/2023 21:35

I had lots of intrusive thoughts after I gave birth to all my children and they distressed me. The health visitor told me so many parents get them and it's almost a way of your mind risk assessing situations but going way over the top. For example I'd walk past an open window and think what if I threw her out of it. Then I'd be clutching her tight and getting upset after the thought of it. It wasn't like I'd actually do it, I was just scared of a baby being near an open window.
I still get them now but now I know what they are, I just block the thought as soon as it starts and deal with the trigger eg closing the window.
My brother in law also had this when his children were born and was on anti anxiety medication for it.
It may bring him peace of mind to talk to someone about it (GP, health visitor) before it develops into true anxiety.

littleducks · 30/08/2023 21:35

I think talking to your HV and GP is a good plan.

I don't know about the concept that people who "get these thoughts don't act on them, it's all in the mind" as I know of cases where this had been disclosed the mother hasn't safeguarded child and then father has harmed. But I have a biased perspective as I work with brain damage children so would never see any of the healthy happy babies who had parents with anxiety and no harm ever came to them.

In the situations you describe he might find having another person there reassuring? When he feeling overwhelmed with the frightening thought having someone to good baby and reassure that she is ok and it's just a thought?

Canonlythinkofthisone · 30/08/2023 21:35

DustyLee123 · 30/08/2023 21:22

He needs to see the GP and you need to safeguard your child.

Don't be so ridiculous.
This is post partum depression. Men are susceptible.

If anyone DARED to suggest a woman needed to "safeguard" her child for admitting to having intrusive thoughts there would be absolute uproar!!

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2023 21:36

Intrusive thoughts are a classic symptom of anxiety, and knowledge is definitely power. Your husband needs to educate himself about how common this is to take away the fear he has about it. Your daughter is only 14 weeks old, it's the most massive upheaval you'll ever experience in your life, so it's not unusual at all to have a bout of anxiety. I am confident your husband will be just fine, and I am equally confident that he is not a threat to your baby.

Lavender14 · 30/08/2023 21:36

I have these thoughts about ds sometimes, if we're near deep water I'm like - what if I dropped him in, what if I trip down the stairs with him, what if we're out walking and a car just leaves the road and hits us. If we stopped every new mum from seeing their kids because they had intrusive thoughts pp then many many kids would be growing up without one parent.

It's part of the adjustment to being a new parent, that you can love something so much that the idea of anything bad happening to them is unbearable. At 9mths pp I still really struggle being a passenger because of it but it is getting better.

If he's struggling and it's affecting his parenting then tbh I'd recommend he goes for counselling to get some strategies in place to help him manage when he has the thoughts and ways to challenge them. If it isn't helping then yes gp for further support would be important.

You've both had a lot of loss so it makes perfect sense that it feels like you're parenting fine china!

Now obviously there's a difference between thinking these things and being horrified and actually having the URGE to hurt dd. If that's the case then I can see where pps are coming from but I'm taking it from your posts that dh doesn't want to do these things it's more like a fear of doing something wrong and causing accidental hurt.

Dryshampoofordays · 30/08/2023 21:37

I’m so sorry for your losses OP. A useful strategy I learned to help me become less distressed by intrusive thoughts is to notice when I’m having one then think to myself “wow, what an awful thought-that’s upsetting. Thank god dd is safe and loved in my arms/the car seat/the Moses basket etc”. Acknowledging that it feels upsetting is helpful in allowing the emotion to pass through you - for me that helps me move past it more quickly. Knowing that they are really common helps me to rationalise what is happening too. If they are causing a lot of distress the gp will be able to help x

Whatsthepoint1234 · 30/08/2023 21:38

DustyLee123 · 30/08/2023 21:22

He needs to see the GP and you need to safeguard your child.

Probably the most disgusting comment you could’ve made. When I had severe OCD and anxiety in my twenties I had thoughts exactly like this, OPs dh is probably less likely to harm her than anyone else. It’s fuelled by fear, I was petrified I was going to murder someone, I’d have panic attacks when I got cross as I was scared I’d kill someone out of rage. I would get thoughts of killing people pop into my head and get distressed because I was scared I would. The best thing my psychiatrist ever told me was that I was less likely to kill someone than the average person.

OP have you got him to go to the GP? Are you in a situation where you could bypass and get him private therapy? Dh also had anxiety with no prior mental health issues when dc1 was born, I think it can be the pressure of having someone so precious to care for and almost feeling like you aren’t good enough. I’m sure you know this but you don’t need to safeguard you dh from the your dd. That would probably make is thoughts worse by reinforcing the idea he is a risk to your dd. I forget the name for it but there is such thing as something like PND but for men/partners. This mind article talks about it:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/partners/

JockTamsonsBairns · 30/08/2023 21:39

I can't believe these first couple of replies. Why post if you have absolutely zero understanding?

When DS1 was born, I lived on the 13th floor of a high rise block of flats. It had a balcony that I never once stepped foot on, either before he was born or after. The railings were up to my chin.

I used to get horrible thoughts like 'what if I accidentally dropped him off the balcony?'. The visions of it kept me awake at night.

Intrusive thoughts aren't about planning to harm a baby, they are about worst case scenarios playing out in your head. Even impossible scenarios.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2023 21:39

I very, very strongly recommend this book for your husband, op. It's amazing and so enlightening about the reality of anxiety. Buy it for him right now.

DH just admitted to having intrusive thoughts, how do I help?
Lavender14 · 30/08/2023 21:40

Also just to say I spoke to my health visitor about it when it was really bad for me and she was massively reassuring. She said it was literally parenting instincts kicking in so you're suddenly adjusting to being on the lookout for danger in a completely new way and it's actually a protective factor that you want your child to be safe and well. Hearing that really helped me in itself. Your dh could also speak to your health visitor if you feel they're approachable and supportive. They're there to support the whole family.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 30/08/2023 21:40

Those saying you need to safeguard your child are talking rubbish. Ignore them. I have had anxiety and when it was particularly bad I had intrusive thoughts. I have never hurt anybody.

It's really good that he's told you.

Outwiththenorm · 30/08/2023 21:41

mintich · 30/08/2023 21:35

I had lots of intrusive thoughts after I gave birth to all my children and they distressed me. The health visitor told me so many parents get them and it's almost a way of your mind risk assessing situations but going way over the top. For example I'd walk past an open window and think what if I threw her out of it. Then I'd be clutching her tight and getting upset after the thought of it. It wasn't like I'd actually do it, I was just scared of a baby being near an open window.
I still get them now but now I know what they are, I just block the thought as soon as it starts and deal with the trigger eg closing the window.
My brother in law also had this when his children were born and was on anti anxiety medication for it.
It may bring him peace of mind to talk to someone about it (GP, health visitor) before it develops into true anxiety.

Exact same experience here, and I didn’t have any other symptoms of anxiety so I put it down to 1) being a new parent 2) being utterly utterly sleep deprived.

Robotalkingrubbish · 30/08/2023 21:41

He has a kind of OCD. It’s been triggered by the trauma of the losses and the life changing arrival of your baby. He needs Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Where I live we can self refer to talking therapies.

Hippyhippybake · 30/08/2023 21:42

Gosh I have had thoughts like this over the years and never occurred to me it was a big deal. Thought everyone did. Isn’t it natural to be anxious about a baby’s safety particularly after the sadness of so many miscarriages