DH just admitted to having intrusive thoughts, how do I help?

[elm26]

DH and I have a beautiful 14 week old DD, we had 13 miscarriages before her unexplained so she really is a little miracle to us.

I have a history of anxiety and depression including intrusive thoughts but DH doesn't have any kind of MH history.

He is the most amazing Dad and Husband, he really adores our Daughter and is hands on.

Recently, he hasn't been able to fall asleep like he used to be able to, he gets fidgety and a racing heart to the point he has to get out of bed and lay on the sofa and put the TV on.

Tonight he told me he has been having what he described as horrible "daydreams" he said we were just sitting there watching tv with DD in his arms and he was stroking her leg with his thumb and he said he thought what if he accidentally broke her leg and then he pictured getting her to the hospital and trying to explain it. Also, he is a confident driver but he was driving with her the other evening and he said he felt really panicky then too, that it was dark and he didn't know 100% that she was okay in the back if that makes sense.

I recognise this as intrusive thoughts as I used to get them quite bad and had them on and off for a few weeks post partum.

DH doesn't want tablets but I think maybe a short course of something like propanalol may do him good.

Any advice? Would really like to help him through this. I think as he's never experienced anxiety before, he's struggling to admit that it is anxiety.

Please do go get treatment. It may be common, but it's not "normal." It's a classic anxiety/ocd symptom and can be treated with CBT and/or medication. He shouldn't have to live like this

For goodness sake - some of the replies about safeguarding and keeping him away from her have been utterly idiotic. Your partner clearly isn’t thinking of hurting her - he’s experienced 13 miscarriages with you, can probably scarcely believe she is here and is understandably very anxious in case something happens to her and he loses her. It sounds like he is preempting grief and trying to ensure that absolutely nothing bad can ever happen to cause it, even by accident. Hence the worry about hurting her with the tiniest touch. I think it’s entirely understandable. He probably needs to chat to a therapist who can help him feel less worried. Congratulations to you both - you’ll be wonderful parents to your much-wanted baby. If anything, he’ll protect her like nothing else on earth.

He's anxious. He loves her more than anything and it fucking terrifies him. Becoming a parent rewires your brain, makes you more risk adverse.

Everyone gets intrusive thoughts. I walk over a bridge and think about a massive gust of wind somehow managing to pick me up and blow me over, of glass walkway bottoms breaking as I cross them. I believe its also called the 'call of the void'. I'm at no risk to myself.

When I got pregnant I went a bit crazy, wanted wills sorting, pension and life insurance updating etc to make sure baby was protected in the event of my death. Simple things that never scared me before did. Getting on a plane, driving, going on rollercoasters all made me think shit I can't leave baby without a mum. Didn't stop me doing them, I could rationalise it and wasn't a problem but my brain definitely worked differently.

Lots of parents don't sleep at the beginning watching the baby in case stops breathing, find that drive back from hospital terrifying because you have the most precious cargo in the back. Go a little neurotic about leaving hot food out in case the 9 month old learnt how to climb, scaled the cabinets and somehow pulled it onto themselves without you noticing.

He isn't a danger, he's shit scared. Doesn't mean he doesn't need help if the intrusive thoughts stop him living his life, but it's part and parcel of parenthood and something like CBT is probably better than medication.

Exactly!

I think CBT nay help him manage his thoughts better. I think people underestimate how the stress of a new baby can affect the dad, even when as clearly described here, the baby is very much wanted and the dad is hands on.

Poor both of you, what a traumatic time. He has anxiety and a visit to the doctor and possibly a short course of AD's should sort that out.

DH has been on AD's for a good few years for anxiety and they really helped. They are not just for depression

I thought this was normal. I got them a lot when kids where small and I get them now as an adult. Although it's usually something like dh dieing and what would I do after to survive with the kids... I have them occasionally with older kids too. Like they had an accident or something. Its anxiety manifesting as horrible thoughts

I think it’s v. normal to feel anxious when caring for a young baby for the first time and that’s without the previous stress of miscarriages that you’ve both been through. 💐 I was also terrified that I’d hurt my DD when she was tiny.

I agree that he should talk to his doctor as it’s affecting him so much. He may not need medication, perhaps just some reassurance and possibly some counseling will be enough.

i think men are more dangerous because they might have more difficulty fighting intrusive thoughts, their minds are different to ours, they have more testosterone, more violent, more impulsive

Yes and if he's not sleeping well his anxiety will be heightened

OP when I read you had 13 miscarriages I would be surprised if you both weren't suffering from some sort of anxiety. You have been through a horrific ordeal and I bet all that time you thought all your sadness would just disappear once you got a miracle baby because you were so focused on this eventual outcome. It's still a huge thing to process. Being a new parent fills most people with terror in the best of circumstances so compounding this with years of loss I think this is reasonable.

I'm so glad you have your little miracle

What the actual fuck

He absolutely needs to seek help, but I just want to say intrusive thoughts are extremely common (even in otherwise "healthy" people), it doesn't mean they're going to be acted upon, it's human nature to think "what if...." we have wild imaginations and doesn't mean you would harm anyone or wish any harm.

That said, with the other concerns it's definitely worth seeking help, but please don't assume it means he's seriously ill or dangerous.

If you are in England he can self refer for talking therapy without the need for a GP appointment.
This kind of issue can be helped with CBT.
https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service/
And as someone else said he would likely be prioritised as a new parent, so there wouldn't be a long wait for therapy to start.

I don't think he sounds dangerous. It's quite normal to have these thoughts with a new baby though. I was absolutely convinced someone wanted to throw my baby in the river the first time I went over a bridge with the pram. Of course it didn't make sense, but it still scared the life out of me.

Men have changes in their hormone levels when they become a parent too. Their levels of testosterone become permanently lower. So he's got that to adjust to, there's a previous history of losses, and his whole life has recently changed. It's not surprising that he's getting catastrophic thinking and intrusive thoughts.

I agree with PP who said it's normal and to focus on that to take the power away from the thoughts.

For everyone saying he'll hurt your baby. they need to research why people have these intrusive thoughts. The last thing he wants is for your child to come to harm, hence the thoughts.
I had them with both my children. A course of antidepressants worked for the anxiety. Also directing my mind elsewhere when they happened eventually led to me being able to control them somewhat.

CBT was amazing for me with my anxiety so I do recommend. It will help anyone having intrusive thoughts understand why they are having them, and tools to process your way 'out' of the thought pattern. All the best and it does get better xx

Testosterone is an anabolic androgenic steroid hormone involved in brain development, reproduction, and social behavior. Several studies have shown that testosterone can cause impulsivity in humans, which in turn, is linked with mood-related psychiatric disorders and higher risk of death by suicide. The mechanisms by which testosterone abuse influences impulsivity are unclear.
men have more testosterone
do you have a counter argument?

This is incorrect. They're not fantasies that they need to control. They are thoughts.

Hi OP, ignore the safeguarding comments. I use the Headspace app and this has really helped me observe my intrusive thoughts, rather than get swept away with them.

Also I read a Phillipa Perry article in which she advised ‘if you’re going to have fantasy, make it a positive one’ and that’s what I repeat as a mantra to myself if I feel like any negative / intrusive thoughts are overwhelming me. I flip them into positives.

Another thing - the sleep deprivation in the early months is very tough, try and make sure you’re both taking it in turns to sleep, as much as you can (easier said than done I know!). It’s much harder to overcome anxiety when sleep deprived.

I genuinely thought intrusive thoughts were normal. Are they really not normal?! I'd never act on them obviously. I thought everyone had them. I've asked friends if they get them before and they said they do.

You are fundamentally misunderstanding what intrusive thoughts are. They're not indicative of what her DH wants to do, they represent all the things he's terrified of doing. His testosterone levels have nothing to do with it!

the problem isnt that he has intrusive thoughts, it is his inability to deal with them that is the issue , they are really effecting him in an abnormal way, that is concerning

everyone has intrusive thoughts that are sometimes disturbing, like what would happen if I speed down this road? or they can imagine themselves punching their boss in the face
most people can just shrug off the intrusive thoughts, other people might act on them, depending on how impulsive they are, and if they are mentally ill
some mental illnesses can effect impulsiveness, like depression

OP the initial posters were bonkers. You don't need to safeguard your child.

Congrats on your amazing baby!!!

Sleep deprivation?

Keep talking to each other & get lots of rest.

Take care xx

I had counselling for depression and anxiety as well as PND. Most people have intrusive thoughts even when not mentally ill. Sometimes it's a reaction to a stressful state such as becoming a father!

Since I've had children, I get intrusive thoughts like this all of the time. They go as quick as they come. I got in a lift the other day, and it smelt a bit funny, almost like a burning smell but I didn't realise until we set off. It was a really old disability lift (the only lift in the building so I could take the pram upstairs) and so it took ages to move up. The whole time, I was thinking, if this lift sets on fire now, how do I get the babies out?

The same when I'm driving.

I was tickling DD the other day, and she ended up with little red pressure marks where I'd tickled her, then I concocted in my head her being taken away from me and me being investigated for abuse because of it.

Since having children, I never knew fear could exist like the fear of losing them or them coming to harm. My intrusive thoughts are usually around something happening to them because it's my greatest fear; not because I plan to be the one who does something to them. I'm sure your DD is perfectly fine with your DH.