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AIBU?

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Original poster

"You're so lucky if you don't have a mortgage"

284 replies

NoTheyAreNotLucky · 30/08/2023 21:03

This is nothing to do with mortgage rates or cost of living, it's about people who are so caught up in their own little bubble of self pity and victimhood, and who expect the whole world to feel sorry for them.

I've heard this so many times lately - "you're so lucky you don't have a mortgage to pay" but it's just such a stupid thing to say. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's heartless and cruel.

  • My next door neighbour - she was brought up in the 1950's in a very deprived inner city area with an abusive father and an alcoholic mother, she married a good man who gave her safety and security, but who died in his forties. She was married and widowed a second time. Home is her haven, her security, but she owns it and is mortgage-free. Is she "lucky"?
  • My old school friend - she paid off her mortgage at the age of 24. Both her parents died within 6 months of each other and the inheritance paid off her mortgage. Is she "lucky"
  • A lady i used to work for threw herself into work as a way to cope with the death of her child and the breakdown of her marriage. She worked hard and her mortgage is paid off. Is she "lucky"?
  • And i've left this one until last because i'll be dripping tears on the keyboard before i've finished. I have a friend who's been told a couple of times how lucky she is to own her house mortgage free. She just nods and smiles and makes an excuse to walk away and goes home and shuts herself in her house and sobs her fucking heart out. She's so lucky that she and her kids have a nice house, she's so lucky she has no mortgage to pay, she's so lucky she doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, she's so lucky that her husbands life insurance paid it off after he was killed by a speeding driver while he was out with the dog. . Yeah, tell her again how fucking lucky she is.

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant, and it's not directed at people who talk about their problems and worries. It's not directed at posters on here. People are struggling financially, I know, I get it. And it's good to talk, and it's good to ask for support when you need it. But to tell someone face to face that they should feel lucky? To whinge and whine and play the victim because one aspect of your life is hard when you know so little about their history or their family circumstances?

Rant over. I wish i could say i felt better for it but I don't. It just makes me so angry.

OP posts:
DameCurlyBassey · 30/08/2023 23:54

But she doesn’t want to live where you do. It’s ok to want to be both mortgage free AND live in a nice area. She is willing to pay the price for her choice.

FlatfootFool · 30/08/2023 23:55

Kind of silly examples though tbh (no offence meant).

If you lost your husband and were paying a hefty chunk of your salary towards your mortgage you're still objectively in a worse situation than losing your husband and being mortgage free.

I mean, you could win £50 million on the lottery and get terminal cancer.

Malarandras · 31/08/2023 00:01

I’m a mortgage free widow. I earned this house putting up with 12 years of hell. I am lucky? I have no idea. Fortunate maybe in that I don’t have financial worries on top of the emotional turmoil. It just is what it is really.

givingupchocolatemonday · 31/08/2023 00:02

People make similar comments to me or about me. but it is usually people that don't have a clue about the absolute childhood trauma I went through that led to me being in this position.

It is usually mindless gossipers that come out with these things.

threecupsofteaminimum · 31/08/2023 00:09

I don't discuss my finances with my mates, none of us do so this is all a bit odd to me.

Seagullchippy · 31/08/2023 00:16

caringcarer · 30/08/2023 22:53

My sister's DH died of a massive heart attack at 41. She was left with 3 kids to care for the youngest had SN's. Her mortgage was paid by insurance but I honestly think she'd hit anyone who said she was lucky. I saw first hand the grief she went through. As he became depressed and barely went out for about 7 years except for hospital appointment for her youngest son.

Of course this is terrible and it would be horrific to imply she is 'lucky'. Anyone saying so would be cruel or ignorant.

What would be more reasonable would be to see that someone in your sister's situation without their mortgage paid or who was renting would be at risk of homelessness and possibly unable to take care of their children, which would mean terrible losses and stress piled on top of what is already an unimaginably devastating loss. (And then, rather than shrug and say your sister is lucky, actually to try to do something to change society and/or people's lives for the better, so that bereaved people have some of the stress alleviated after loss. )

DameCurlyBassey · 31/08/2023 00:17

BadNomad · 30/08/2023 22:44

What did I say about her? That she bought a big house in a posh area then complains about the mortgage? It's a fact not a criticism. People make choices in life. Hers was an expensive house. Mine was the cheap one. She could move to my area and be mortgage-free too if she wanted.

Show quote history

You could say this about anyone/anything: I chose to take a job but complain about my boss. Does that mean I should get another job? Not necessarily. Your friend is aware of her choice and that it entails hard work but she chooses that.

it sounds as though you want her to envy your savings etc but her house will be worth more in the long run and she is lucky to live in a lovely house in a nice area. Good for her.

pompomdaisy · 31/08/2023 00:20

So no one should say anything to anyone just incase. My daughter developed agoraphobia so work let me work from home more. Some people say - you're lucky having that flexibility. I think well yes. I don't sit and sob. How are other people expected to know the ins and outs of someone's life? Different people have different shit to bear.

Cardboardcup · 31/08/2023 00:26

It happens with everything. My son is disabled, he had a motability car and someone once said to me how “lucky” I was to have a nice “free” car to drive and that I was lucky I didn’t have to work, because you know being a full time carer 24/7 is a doddle 🙄! I would 100% give my own life to give him his .

BadNomad · 31/08/2023 00:33

DameCurlyBassey · 30/08/2023 23:54

But she doesn’t want to live where you do. It’s ok to want to be both mortgage free AND live in a nice area. She is willing to pay the price for her choice.

That's the point the OP is trying to make. The people telling other people they are "lucky" to be mortgage-free after tragic events, for example, wouldn't want to go through that so they can be mortgage-free too. Just as my friend, who says I am lucky, wouldn't want my life.

Luck has nothing to do with any of it. In most cases, it is simply good financial planning. The people who cleared their mortgages with life insurance policies had thought ahead and made the financial decision to get life insurance. It's like many things in life. Like getting married before having children if you are going to be a SAHM, or having home insurance, or having pet insurance, or paying into a pension etc.

Some people plan for the worst. Other people just hope for the best. None of it is "luck".

ManchesterLu · 31/08/2023 00:41

I just think people shouldn't make comments if they don't know the circumstances.

We paid our mortgage off last year, through scrimping and saving, and it was a wonderful moment. So yes, I would consider us very lucky not to have a mortgage (although it was down to bloody hard work and sacrifices rather than "luck").

If, on the other hand, we'd paid for it from an inheritance, yeah, hearing that we were "lucky" probably wouldn't go down well.

People don't think about the full semantics of a situation, though. They just think "I'm struggling like hell with my mortgage and they're not" and that's the only comparison and piece of information that comes into their mind. Most won't mean to be crass or cruel.

BadNomad · 31/08/2023 00:46

DameCurlyBassey · 31/08/2023 00:17

You could say this about anyone/anything: I chose to take a job but complain about my boss. Does that mean I should get another job? Not necessarily. Your friend is aware of her choice and that it entails hard work but she chooses that.

it sounds as though you want her to envy your savings etc but her house will be worth more in the long run and she is lucky to live in a lovely house in a nice area. Good for her.

Show quote history

Except I'm not the one complaining. I'm not the one commenting on her finances or her house ownership. I mean, I could tell her she should try being grateful for living in her big house in a nice area and how "lucky" she is to have a husband funding her lifestyle. But I wouldn't say that to her because it is a dick thing to say, and I am neither ignorant nor insensitive. Also, she doesn't know what savings I have because I don't talk about my finances with her or anyone else because money is a sensitive topic. It's just a shame that sentiment doesn't go both ways.

shams05 · 31/08/2023 00:51

Are most of your conversations about each others financial situations?
The only person I openly discuss my mortgage with is my sister as we bought at the same time with the same bank.
Why do so many seem not to know their family history but know that your friends are mortgage free.

Rosesandstars · 31/08/2023 01:04

Those situations are incredibly sad.

Other people go through terrible ordeals like those above AND don't have stable housing though- it's not an either-or.

NortieTortie · 31/08/2023 01:43

Everyone experiences loss.

Getting an inheritance from it that takes a bit of the financial strain while you grieve or pays for a little trinket in remembrance is very fortunate, let alone paying off hundreds of thousands pounds of debt! Obviously you'd rather have the person but how can you not see the privilege?

gherkeen · 31/08/2023 01:57

Many have mortgages despite the cited situations. Not all parents pass money on.

It's not lucky but it's more fortunate than most in similar situations.

givemeasunnyday · 31/08/2023 02:11

continentallentil · 30/08/2023 21:16

Oh give over.

Awful things happen, and the people you refer to have had some shit luck, but then the people who still have mortgages probably have too.

Life is easier if you have a home that can’t be taken from you. When someone says that they are just stating a fact, not playing the victim (which is meaningless in this context).

Don’t create drama where there is none. There are enough real problems in the world.

This says it all. Yes, the people in your examples have had a shit time, but how much worse would it be if they had to pay a mortgage along with that?

People are not meaning to be awful when they say it, they are simply stating a fact. Everyone has something sad happen in their lives, but dealing with it must surely be slightly easier without financial worries.

SeeThrough · 31/08/2023 02:27

I was once told I was lucky to have lost my parents young as I didn't have the hard work of looking after them in old age.
I found that rather insensitive seeing as I was alone from 16 and they have never seen my children or grandchildren.
I was left no inheritance.

That's life unfortunately, you make the best of what you do have, after a lifetime of paying my mortgage it is near it's end. For that I'm fortunate and for the time of when I was born, I can't imagine how hard it is for young people now with the housing crisis and the expense of rent/mortagages along with the cost of living to survive, if you inherit in any form you are fortunate.

I don't envy the younger generation.

Furries · 31/08/2023 02:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OilOfRoses · 31/08/2023 04:09

Cardboardcup · 31/08/2023 00:26

It happens with everything. My son is disabled, he had a motability car and someone once said to me how “lucky” I was to have a nice “free” car to drive and that I was lucky I didn’t have to work, because you know being a full time carer 24/7 is a doddle 🙄! I would 100% give my own life to give him his .

I understand completely, because I'm in the same position. But I do feel 'lucky' to be able to choose to be my child's full time carer. My friend doesn't have that choice and has to get professional carers in to do what she would otherwise do. I feel very 'lucky' that this choice is available to me as we feel it's the better option for our child and family. Of course it's not lucky to have a disabled child or not have my income but, if the circumstance has to be there, at least we have the option to be the full time carer.

MrsMous · 31/08/2023 04:23

I have heard mumsnetters say people who
buy houses are “privileged “ - well I was raised on a council estate in poverty, and then worked my arse off all through life to get enough deposit for a mortgage. It’s not privilege to work hard and be sensible.
we need to stop demonising people who “have”. Not everyone is gifted with a house and good fortune, some people go through hell to get it - whatever hell they are in.

LadyBitsnBobs · 31/08/2023 04:29

Hi yes personally I think it is a bit like telling a wheelchair-bound person they are lucky they get to sit down all day. It’s a bit of a stupid comment.

I just never start a sentence with “you’re so lucky …”. I’m an adult and I realise I have no idea who is lucky and who is not.

CostedStrikeRate · 31/08/2023 06:06

Some people lack critical thinking capacity.

AngeloMysterioso · 31/08/2023 06:18

My next door neighbour - she was brought up in the 1950's in a very deprived inner city area with an abusive father and an alcoholic mother, she married a good man who gave her safety and security, but who died in his forties. She was married and widowed a second time. Home is her haven, her security, but she owns it and is mortgage-free. Is she "lucky"?

Yes. A lot of people don’t manage to find a spouse who gives them safety and security of any kind, including financial, once let alone twice, and never know the safety and security of owning their own home.

My old school friend - she paid off her mortgage at the age of 24. Both her parents died within 6 months of each other and the inheritance paid off her mortgage. Is she "lucky"

Yes. Plenty of people lose their parents young and don’t inherit a fucking thing. I would know.

A lady i used to work for threw herself into work as a way to cope with the death of her child and the breakdown of her marriage. She worked hard and her mortgage is paid off. Is she "lucky"?

Yes. You can work hard all your life and still not earn enough to buy a house, never mind pay off the mortgage.

And i've left this one until last because i'll be dripping tears on the keyboard before i've finished. I have a friend who's been told a couple of times how lucky she is to own her house mortgage free. She just nods and smiles and makes an excuse to walk away and goes home and shuts herself in her house and sobs her fucking heart out. She's so lucky that she and her kids have a nice house, she's so lucky she has no mortgage to pay, she's so lucky she doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, she's so lucky that her husbands life insurance paid it off after he was killed by a speeding driver while he was out with the dog. . Yeah, tell her again how fucking lucky she is.

She’s lucky to have had a husband who had the presence of mind to arrange life insurance. See my earlier point about people dying without leaving a penny behind them.

thdskdrggs · 31/08/2023 07:07

It’s not privilege to work hard and be sensible.

It's a privilege to have the health and opportunity to work hard to get yourself to that stage, not everyone does. Be grateful, not entitled. Life can turn on a dime.