"You're so lucky if you don't have a mortgage"

[NoTheyAreNotLucky]

This is nothing to do with mortgage rates or cost of living, it's about people who are so caught up in their own little bubble of self pity and victimhood, and who expect the whole world to feel sorry for them.

I've heard this so many times lately - "you're so lucky you don't have a mortgage to pay" but it's just such a stupid thing to say. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's heartless and cruel.

• My next door neighbour - she was brought up in the 1950's in a very deprived inner city area with an abusive father and an alcoholic mother, she married a good man who gave her safety and security, but who died in his forties. She was married and widowed a second time. Home is her haven, her security, but she owns it and is mortgage-free. Is she "lucky"?

• My old school friend - she paid off her mortgage at the age of 24. Both her parents died within 6 months of each other and the inheritance paid off her mortgage. Is she "lucky"

• A lady i used to work for threw herself into work as a way to cope with the death of her child and the breakdown of her marriage. She worked hard and her mortgage is paid off. Is she "lucky"?

• And i've left this one until last because i'll be dripping tears on the keyboard before i've finished. I have a friend who's been told a couple of times how lucky she is to own her house mortgage free. She just nods and smiles and makes an excuse to walk away and goes home and shuts herself in her house and sobs her fucking heart out. She's so lucky that she and her kids have a nice house, she's so lucky she has no mortgage to pay, she's so lucky she doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, she's so lucky that her husbands life insurance paid it off after he was killed by a speeding driver while he was out with the dog. . Yeah, tell her again how fucking lucky she is.

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant, and it's not directed at people who talk about their problems and worries. It's not directed at posters on here. People are struggling financially, I know, I get it. And it's good to talk, and it's good to ask for support when you need it. But to tell someone face to face that they should feel lucky? To whinge and whine and play the victim because one aspect of your life is hard when you know so little about their history or their family circumstances?

Rant over. I wish i could say i felt better for it but I don't. It just makes me so angry.

YABU, I think. I am "lucky" to be mortgage free at an age when most people are still paying £££ on their mortgage. Of course, someone had to die (and in rather traumatic circumstances) for me achieve that (relative) financial freedom.

But they could not have died in the exact same circumstances without leaving me a bean and where would I be then?

It is rather galling to be told over and over that you're "lucky" to have X/Y/Z if you feel your life is going to hell in a handcart in virtually every other respect. But there's a simple solution to the mortgage issue and that is don't discuss your private financial information with anyone else. Then you won't have people telling you how lucky you are not to have a mortgage.

I would say your old school friend was lucky , you and the rest no . I paid off my mortgage 20 years ago because I cut my coat according to my cloth and went without luxuries for a long time so no I'm not lucky or fortunate. I have a good husband and a happy healthy family so yes that's where I thank god and count my blessings because I have been lucky

Not everyone is eligible for life insurance. Some mental health issues/MH history will mean you can't access it.

And most people would consider losing a child to be the worst grief they could imagine. Children won't be insured, so the grieving parents have to somehow keep working.

Then you make a different contingency plan.

I don't get your point about children dying. Your income isn't reduced if a child dies. They don't pay the mortgage.

(Children can usually be added to your own life insurance policy FYI)

I was told I was "so lucky" when I got a position after years of studying and applying my ass off.

I was told I was lucky for paying a mortgage in 5 years when interest rates were 18%. I had cut so much expenditure I couldn't buy deodorant, showered with cheap soap and ate whatever was cheapest. Fortunately, we were in Spain and could get great local produce at cheap prices.

Some people will always tell you "how lucky you are" for the decisions you've made in buying, mortgage, jobs, lifestyle etc. At the end of the day, their opinion means shit. Only the people struggling to make it ahead, knows how difficult it is to "be lucky" .

I'm mortgage free and I just don't discuss that with anyone.
I bought a small terraced house years ago . I overpaid and have never moved.
I've never owned a car as over paying the mortgage was more important to me.
If that makes me lucky then meh

My mortgage was paid off at 45 because my husband killed himself. I'm extremely lucky to not have struggled to keep a roof over my family's head.

You know there are people working in minimum wage jobs in expensive places like London who dont have access to cheap healthy food and maybe aren't academically gifted enough to pursue higher education, right?

These people might be working every bit as hard as you.

The point about children dying is the huge catastrophic life loss, but still having to keep working to keep a roof over your heads. Which is plainly less lucky than a catastrophic life loss when you have a safe home. Actually, I can’t believe I had to explain that.

Re the bit in brackets...

No they can't. You can't take out life insurance on a child (minor) as there is no insurable interest (in layman's terms, no financial loss if the child dies). You might be able to add critical illness cover for a child but not life insurance. Sometimes the critical illness cover will pay a token amount on the death of a child but not a significant amount.

She didn’t call you stupid. You made some insensitive comments and got called out on them.

YABU. My kids have no grandparents and we've still got a mortgage. I'd consider myself very lucky if we didn't.

It wasn't relevant to my comment which is why I didn't understand the point of it. You could have explained it to me without being nasty. But no. And as someone who has lost a child, why are you not more understanding of how horrible it would be to have someone tell you you are lucky as the result of that death?

Totally understand. I have a mortgage now but didn't for a while before we moved. It was because my DH had lost his mum, dad brother and aunt all by his mid 40s. He has zero family except me and our young DC. No financial security is worth that hole in his life.

I would stop discussing my finances with people. It never ends well. It’s none of their business. Just nod, mumble something and move on.

I lost a child in horrible circumstances but can still see where, in awful circumstances, there was some luck to ease the way. Not mortgage paying off but in other ways. It doesn't mean I wouldn't give it all up to get my child back instead.

I'm still renting. And have only one parent

Surely you have to be fantastically lucky to be in a position to get a mortgage in the first place? Very few of my friends or family (nearly all with good degrees, etc.) have ever been in that position. All just do all they possibly can to get by.

I'm not sure "fantastically lucky" is accurate. Everyone in my family (siblings, cousins etc) is a homeowner, most have paid off their mortgages. We're a working class family, not wealthy. All of my immediate circle of friends are also homeowners as well. I can only think of one or two acquaintances who rent.

Clearly there will be variations depending on where you live, how old you are etc. But overall I don't think you have to be "fantastically lucky".

Ultimately, you're going to be better for yourself and your loved ones if you can honestly acknowledge all the really awful shit you've been thrown in life and still see the gift of the strength that you have shown to keep on going. If someone tells you they're lucky, reflect on the things you can feel gratitude for, yes, thank you, very good to remember that, and reject any jealous, passive-aggressive, victimhood stuff they want to lay at your feet to offload it from themselves. No, thank you. I'm keeping going, just getting on with my stuff, and I politely refuse your offering. Just keep going and don't let people pull you down.

No one's all lucky or all unlucky, are they? Most people do not want to lose loved ones and most people would like to own their home outright. If you get (b) because of (a) you are less fortunate than people who haven't lost their loved ones, in one respect, but more fortunate than people who still have to pay a mortgage off. You can be both of those things at the same time. You can be lucky even if your luck came about because you lost something you valued much more than whatever you gained.

I was directly quoting from Mumsnet's cruellest, most insensitive poster. Do you have a problem with that?