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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You're so lucky if you don't have a mortgage"

284 replies

NoTheyAreNotLucky · 30/08/2023 21:03

This is nothing to do with mortgage rates or cost of living, it's about people who are so caught up in their own little bubble of self pity and victimhood, and who expect the whole world to feel sorry for them.

I've heard this so many times lately - "you're so lucky you don't have a mortgage to pay" but it's just such a stupid thing to say. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's heartless and cruel.

  • My next door neighbour - she was brought up in the 1950's in a very deprived inner city area with an abusive father and an alcoholic mother, she married a good man who gave her safety and security, but who died in his forties. She was married and widowed a second time. Home is her haven, her security, but she owns it and is mortgage-free. Is she "lucky"?
  • My old school friend - she paid off her mortgage at the age of 24. Both her parents died within 6 months of each other and the inheritance paid off her mortgage. Is she "lucky"
  • A lady i used to work for threw herself into work as a way to cope with the death of her child and the breakdown of her marriage. She worked hard and her mortgage is paid off. Is she "lucky"?
  • And i've left this one until last because i'll be dripping tears on the keyboard before i've finished. I have a friend who's been told a couple of times how lucky she is to own her house mortgage free. She just nods and smiles and makes an excuse to walk away and goes home and shuts herself in her house and sobs her fucking heart out. She's so lucky that she and her kids have a nice house, she's so lucky she has no mortgage to pay, she's so lucky she doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, she's so lucky that her husbands life insurance paid it off after he was killed by a speeding driver while he was out with the dog. . Yeah, tell her again how fucking lucky she is.

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant, and it's not directed at people who talk about their problems and worries. It's not directed at posters on here. People are struggling financially, I know, I get it. And it's good to talk, and it's good to ask for support when you need it. But to tell someone face to face that they should feel lucky? To whinge and whine and play the victim because one aspect of your life is hard when you know so little about their history or their family circumstances?

Rant over. I wish i could say i felt better for it but I don't. It just makes me so angry.

OP posts:
Ladyofthelake53 · 30/08/2023 21:22

Im mortgage free, my husband passed away aged 51 very suddenly after 30 odd years together, my mortgage was paid off....lucky ?

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 30/08/2023 21:22

Of all the things to get incensed about!

Is this post really for real?

Saoirse82 · 30/08/2023 21:23

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 30/08/2023 21:20

Of course people who don't have a mortgage are lucky!

Doesn't mean that the circumstances that got them there are.

You do know that bad things happen to people who do have mortgages too right?

Lots of people have the awful circumstances you've described, and have the weight of a mortgage or massive rent to pay also.

There's so much wrong with your post I don't know where to start.

This!

Noicant · 30/08/2023 21:23

YABU, people faces tragedy all the time, ofcourse not having to worry about having a roof over your kids head is lucky. If you ended up widowed and facing the prospect of losing your home clearly thats worse.

If anything happened to DH I would be devastated but it would be worse if I was also facing immense financial hardship at the same time.

Starlightstarbright2 · 30/08/2023 21:23

I think you are looking to be offended . People are worried about money .

I live in a. Housing due to Dv so financially more stable than private renters or people with mortgages..

I can’t imagine if someone made the statement I would find a way to be offended .

by the same statement both my parents were abusive I would be much more stable with 10 years of love than none .

life isn’t a race to the bottom

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 30/08/2023 21:24

I don't think people mean it like that.
They mean "you don't have the worry I have"

SnowWhiteAndTheTwoKids · 30/08/2023 21:24

But you could say this about anyone's situation that appears better than your own. You hardly ever know someone's full story. Does this mean you should never comment on anything about someone else's life?

You're so lucky you have a full time job...yeah, because I don't have a high earning partner I'm forced to work while my kids are in day care for 10 hours a day.

You're so lucky you only work part-time...yeah, that's because I'm disabled so can only do 3 hour shifts.

You're so lucky you don't have to work...yeah but DH's job is so demanding that he's never at home and is shagging his PA.

Darklane · 30/08/2023 21:25

Apart from the people in such tragic circumstances as mentioned by OP, most people who are mortgage free have worked jolly hard to pay off their mortgage, like we have.
What annoys me personally are people who say but it’s alright for you, houses were cheaper back then. Well yes they were but wages were also much lower. We bought our first house in 1969, a small two bedroom one. My monthly take home pay as a fully, newly qualified teacher was £54….a month, not a week. My OH as a degree qualified aeronautical engineer earned little more.
Then through the seventies interest rates soared & for quite some time we were paying 15% interest, rising at worst to 17% for a time. Current interest rates we would have loved.
As a brand new build that house so no fitted kitchen, had no central heating, the kitchen just contained a sink unit, no cupboards,all the other rooms were bare, this was the norm for new builds so like most people setting up home we saved to buy fridge, heaters, cooker etc.

Jifmicroliquid · 30/08/2023 21:25

The problem is, those things could happen to people who will still have a mortgage to pay. It’s not an either or, is it?

The reality is, being mortgage free puts you in a fortunate position, despite how unfortunate the circumstances behind it.

lljkk · 30/08/2023 21:25

yabu, what Starlight said is perfect.

Towdalinenow · 30/08/2023 21:25

You should retaliate with “well you’re lucky to actually have a mortgage, a lot of the younger generation will be trapped in a cycle of high rent for life!”

Personal tragedy can bring financial benefits and I guess for that, the berveaived is lucky that they don’t have to cope with financial problems on top of the trauma and grief. So in this way, they are lucky… not that their relatives died, but that they were shielded from financial hardship. A lot of people are t.

Clefable · 30/08/2023 21:25

There was a long discussion a week or two ago where someone took issue with the idea of an inheritance being 'lucky'. I imagine this will rehash all the same ideas.

Personally, I just split the things. I'm not lucky my mum is dead at 69 and won't get to see her grandchildren grow up. I am lucky to be in line for enough money to pay off our mortgage and then some. The two things aren't linked other than one had to happen to allow the second. Lots of people lose loved ones and are left with nothing.

So I am both lucky and unlucky in different ways.

R4ID · 30/08/2023 21:25

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 30/08/2023 21:20

Of course people who don't have a mortgage are lucky!

Doesn't mean that the circumstances that got them there are.

You do know that bad things happen to people who do have mortgages too right?

Lots of people have the awful circumstances you've described, and have the weight of a mortgage or massive rent to pay also.

There's so much wrong with your post I don't know where to start.

What do you mean by ‘they are lucky’? If someone said I was lucky I would take it that they meant it was down to luck that I was in that position otherwise how else can it be lucky?

Lucky - having, bringing, or resulting from good luck.

lemonyaid · 30/08/2023 21:25

Gosh that's hit me hard OP.

I'll be mindful in future - I don't think I've ever told someone they are lucky they don't have a mortgage bit I'll be sure not to.

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 21:26

I agree with you op.
I paid my mortgage off with my life insurance that paid out when I was diagnosed with incurable cancer.
I've got 8 years to go to get my state pension so I'll never be able to enjoy the fruits of 40 years of working either

lemonyaid · 30/08/2023 21:26

Towdalinenow · 30/08/2023 21:25

You should retaliate with “well you’re lucky to actually have a mortgage, a lot of the younger generation will be trapped in a cycle of high rent for life!”

Personal tragedy can bring financial benefits and I guess for that, the berveaived is lucky that they don’t have to cope with financial problems on top of the trauma and grief. So in this way, they are lucky… not that their relatives died, but that they were shielded from financial hardship. A lot of people are t.

It's not luck though. It's sound financial planning.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 30/08/2023 21:27

@lemonyaid

Not lucky, fortunate. Better word.

Whataretheodds · 30/08/2023 21:27

It is possible to be lucky to be mortgage free and for that to be for a totally unenviable reason.

Who are these people declaring other people's luck, how do they know so much about your friends' finances?

SophieIsHereToday · 30/08/2023 21:27

NoTheyAreNotLucky · 30/08/2023 21:03

This is nothing to do with mortgage rates or cost of living, it's about people who are so caught up in their own little bubble of self pity and victimhood, and who expect the whole world to feel sorry for them.

I've heard this so many times lately - "you're so lucky you don't have a mortgage to pay" but it's just such a stupid thing to say. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's heartless and cruel.

  • My next door neighbour - she was brought up in the 1950's in a very deprived inner city area with an abusive father and an alcoholic mother, she married a good man who gave her safety and security, but who died in his forties. She was married and widowed a second time. Home is her haven, her security, but she owns it and is mortgage-free. Is she "lucky"?
  • My old school friend - she paid off her mortgage at the age of 24. Both her parents died within 6 months of each other and the inheritance paid off her mortgage. Is she "lucky"
  • A lady i used to work for threw herself into work as a way to cope with the death of her child and the breakdown of her marriage. She worked hard and her mortgage is paid off. Is she "lucky"?
  • And i've left this one until last because i'll be dripping tears on the keyboard before i've finished. I have a friend who's been told a couple of times how lucky she is to own her house mortgage free. She just nods and smiles and makes an excuse to walk away and goes home and shuts herself in her house and sobs her fucking heart out. She's so lucky that she and her kids have a nice house, she's so lucky she has no mortgage to pay, she's so lucky she doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, she's so lucky that her husbands life insurance paid it off after he was killed by a speeding driver while he was out with the dog. . Yeah, tell her again how fucking lucky she is.

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant, and it's not directed at people who talk about their problems and worries. It's not directed at posters on here. People are struggling financially, I know, I get it. And it's good to talk, and it's good to ask for support when you need it. But to tell someone face to face that they should feel lucky? To whinge and whine and play the victim because one aspect of your life is hard when you know so little about their history or their family circumstances?

Rant over. I wish i could say i felt better for it but I don't. It just makes me so angry.

Well yes, they are lucky that house prices were much cheaper then the house was bought, so the the mortgage could be paid off. They were unlucky for their other circumstances

If the same people were 20 years younger in the same circumstances. They would still be unlucky for their circumstances. And they might not own a house, which would make them less lucky for but having a stable home

NorwayLass · 30/08/2023 21:27

All these situations are better mortgage free than enduring with a mortgage or while renting. Losing parents, husband, child is bad enough but to face this loss without financial security creates added anxieties

Dotcheck · 30/08/2023 21:27

OP why is it that those people are sharing such personal financial information? I would be far more likely to tell someone both my parents had died than to say I’m mortgage free. << disclaimer: I’m not mortgage free>>

I guess I’m saying that if the people saying ‘you’re lucky’ know the circumstances behind being mortgage free, and they still say it, then of course they are dicks.

Clefable · 30/08/2023 21:28

@lemonyaid But it's often someone else's sound financial planning. That's where the luck happens. I didn't do anything to earn my inheritance or do any financial planning. It was luck of birth. Not to say I am not very grateful for it and glad for it, of course. But it was my mum's hard work, not mine.

Here is the previous thread I mentioned: Inheritance treated as a 'hand out' http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4868118-inheritance-treated-as-a-hand-out

violetcuriosity · 30/08/2023 21:29

Well, yes in those situations it would be incredibly unkind to say that to the person. However, I have been in some horrific situations (partner in a coma in ICU for months, house nearly repossessed because I didn't know his banking details and mortgage coming out of my account and too traumatised to try and deal with the bank) and I would have seen me having no mortgage as one positive in my life. People are so quick to criticise and see the worst in others, maybe the people saying they're lucky are in horrific situations themselves.

HeadNorth · 30/08/2023 21:29

My child died suddenly and tragically. We still have to work to pay our mortgage. We wouldn’t have our child back, but we would still be luckier than we currently are if we didn’t have a mortgage. People can experience terrible tragedy and have to cope with financial pressures on top.
I think your rant is shallow and ill thought through, to the point of offensiveness.

SophieIsHereToday · 30/08/2023 21:29

NorwayLass · 30/08/2023 21:27

All these situations are better mortgage free than enduring with a mortgage or while renting. Losing parents, husband, child is bad enough but to face this loss without financial security creates added anxieties

That's super concise and well put