"You're so lucky if you don't have a mortgage"

[NoTheyAreNotLucky]

This is nothing to do with mortgage rates or cost of living, it's about people who are so caught up in their own little bubble of self pity and victimhood, and who expect the whole world to feel sorry for them.

I've heard this so many times lately - "you're so lucky you don't have a mortgage to pay" but it's just such a stupid thing to say. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's heartless and cruel.

• My next door neighbour - she was brought up in the 1950's in a very deprived inner city area with an abusive father and an alcoholic mother, she married a good man who gave her safety and security, but who died in his forties. She was married and widowed a second time. Home is her haven, her security, but she owns it and is mortgage-free. Is she "lucky"?

• My old school friend - she paid off her mortgage at the age of 24. Both her parents died within 6 months of each other and the inheritance paid off her mortgage. Is she "lucky"

• A lady i used to work for threw herself into work as a way to cope with the death of her child and the breakdown of her marriage. She worked hard and her mortgage is paid off. Is she "lucky"?

• And i've left this one until last because i'll be dripping tears on the keyboard before i've finished. I have a friend who's been told a couple of times how lucky she is to own her house mortgage free. She just nods and smiles and makes an excuse to walk away and goes home and shuts herself in her house and sobs her fucking heart out. She's so lucky that she and her kids have a nice house, she's so lucky she has no mortgage to pay, she's so lucky she doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, she's so lucky that her husbands life insurance paid it off after he was killed by a speeding driver while he was out with the dog. . Yeah, tell her again how fucking lucky she is.

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant, and it's not directed at people who talk about their problems and worries. It's not directed at posters on here. People are struggling financially, I know, I get it. And it's good to talk, and it's good to ask for support when you need it. But to tell someone face to face that they should feel lucky? To whinge and whine and play the victim because one aspect of your life is hard when you know so little about their history or their family circumstances?

Rant over. I wish i could say i felt better for it but I don't. It just makes me so angry.

OP, I am mortgage free because DP was killed at work. It is the most unimaginable pain to have lost him. But I still see myself as lucky, financially, to have no mortgage. The anxieties that come from that type of trauma make it difficult to work full-time in a high stress job and this takes the pressure off - I still work full time but have been able to chose a job with low responsibilities and a lower salary because of the financially position I am in. Of course, I would trade every penny to have DP back but I still see myself as lucky in a financial way. In the same respect, there are some days that I could scream and yell about how unlucky I am because of what I’ve lost but I try not to focus on what I’ve lost and be grateful for the time we had, many people aren’t fortunate enough to experience love or a relationship like I did and to me that outweighs the pain of the loss. I also view the house as my DP’s ‘gift’ to me and believe he is still looking after me. It’s been nearly 10 years and I miss him so much. I dreamt about him last night and told him that. Grief is hard and complex but people that have never experienced a loss like it have no idea. It takes time and patience to understand that but most people mean well. I was probably blissfully ignorant to all before it happened to me too.

My sister's DH died of a massive heart attack at 41. She was left with 3 kids to care for the youngest had SN's. Her mortgage was paid by insurance but I honestly think she'd hit anyone who said she was lucky. I saw first hand the grief she went through. As he became depressed and barely went out for about 7 years except for hospital appointment for her youngest son.

If I was a bitch I would tell her she should see my savings account now 😎

Why on earth would anyone want to look at your savings account??!

I’d like to pay a mortgage if I could afford it…rather if the bank would let me have one, which is funny because you pay more private renting than you would on a mortgage….. I’d rather have something at the end of it than give my money to some one else and have nothing to show for it.

Her house is likely to be worth more and appreciate faster.

I don't get anyone who doesn't realise that a household without a mortgage is in that one factor better off han a household with a mortgage.

How is that even under debate??

HAS ANYONE NOTICED OP HAS NOT RETURNED

@Barbiegirl2013 you do sound lucky to have had such a wonderful love in your life and I'm sorry you couldn't have had more time together.

Exactly. I've even told her that. Yet she still thinks/tells me I'm "lucky". It's stupid to compare apples to oranges.

Some people on here are intent on racing to the bottom. Of course it's insensitive to say they're lucky because they sure as hell aren't looking at it through the same lens.

You shouldn't be telling anyone you don't have a mortgage. Your own fault allowing people to criticise. The main point is that it's not one or the other. You could be widowed AND have to pay mortgage, you could lose a child and pay mortgage etc. It's very easy for me to say id rather my grandparents alive or to not be bullied than have money, but easily I could have no money and be bullied/not have grandparents .

“I think your rant is shallow and ill thought through, to the point of offensiveness”.

This. Very well put @HeadNorth. I’m do so sorry for your loss.

Most people who don't have a mortgage are very lucky or fortunate to have no mortgage. Even if they worked hard to clear it.
The examples you mention are a minuscule percentage of those people and could equally affect those renting or those with a mortgage.

@Barbiegirl2013 I feel very similar to you about my husband who also died. I'm very fortunate, I don't have the house fully paid off but most is, and it makes being a lone parent much easier. Lots of widows don't have that. I feel I'm lucky and unlucky simultaneously which is kind of the nature of the universe, no-one gets only luck or only bad luck.

My DH died 6 years ago, , I age 34 paid the mortgage off, the man on the end of the phone, who must be used to things like this actually congratulated me! Thoughtless twat!

Is it still a privilege to be mortgage free, even if you’ve worked your way there from minimum wage? Stupid comment.

Thank you, that’s such a kind thing to say.

Buying a house has never even crossed my mind. I just don’t think about it. So, glad to hear I’m not missing anything!

Ouch.
That's really shit.

FFS. Really? You're missing my point entirely.

I'm not whinging, merely saying it's likely the word lucky might be the issue here, rather than what people mean. It minimises how you got there, whether that be tradegy or hard work.

It's not really a big deal, just irritating. Not insecure at all. We've set goals and achieved them & really don't care what others are doing. Or what they say.

Not a drop of privilege here, either. We've had to crawl though battles and setbacks constantly. Not a cent of family money or support my whole life, even as a child.

I haven’t RTFT but I voted YANBU. At the age of 37 I was diagnosed with an incurable condition (cancer), I won’t live to see pension age, don’t know if I will see my young daughter get married and/or have children, but ya know - I’m lucky because I have no mortgage now, paid off thanks to the life assurance my DH and I took out when we first got our mortgage. I know I would prefer to be healthy and have a mortgage, than the situation I’m in right now.

OP - Don’t let it get to you, and don’t let the negative posters on here get to you either. Thank you for speaking out on behalf of the “lucky” ones who aren’t actually lucky.

Absolutely. I think it’s important to focus on the happy memories and joy we shared rather than the sadness. Your children will benefit from your positive attitude too and admire your strength ❤️ it must be so much harder with children, I’m sending you lots of positive vibes!

Back in the late 80s when interest rates went soaring up and people really were under pressure with their mortgages, woman I knew was living in really precarious circumstances - in a house owned by someone else with no rental agreement. A coworker said to her after a discussion of interest rates "aren't you lucky not to have a mortgage now that interest rates are going through the roof" In fairness to her she replied "that's like saying aren't you lucky not to have bread now that there is no butter to put on it"

I feel you with this one. When I got my car (motability) I was “so lucky”. And once when advertising for a cleaner I got told “you don’t need one you’re home all day watching tv, clean up you lazy cow” I also had “lucky you affording a cleaner”. I can’t afford it I use my disability money. So now I tell people nothing. (Apart from MN of course).
Total digression from the OP on my side, I apologise. But some people have no idea of what has happened prior or still going on, around someone’s “luck”.
No right or wrongs here OP. One persons small problem to the outside may well be a big problem to that person. It’s all quite relative I guess.

But how do they know they’re mortgage free?? Who shares that kind of info with people they don’t know well?