"You're so lucky if you don't have a mortgage"

[NoTheyAreNotLucky]

This is nothing to do with mortgage rates or cost of living, it's about people who are so caught up in their own little bubble of self pity and victimhood, and who expect the whole world to feel sorry for them.

I've heard this so many times lately - "you're so lucky you don't have a mortgage to pay" but it's just such a stupid thing to say. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's heartless and cruel.

• My next door neighbour - she was brought up in the 1950's in a very deprived inner city area with an abusive father and an alcoholic mother, she married a good man who gave her safety and security, but who died in his forties. She was married and widowed a second time. Home is her haven, her security, but she owns it and is mortgage-free. Is she "lucky"?

• My old school friend - she paid off her mortgage at the age of 24. Both her parents died within 6 months of each other and the inheritance paid off her mortgage. Is she "lucky"

• A lady i used to work for threw herself into work as a way to cope with the death of her child and the breakdown of her marriage. She worked hard and her mortgage is paid off. Is she "lucky"?

• And i've left this one until last because i'll be dripping tears on the keyboard before i've finished. I have a friend who's been told a couple of times how lucky she is to own her house mortgage free. She just nods and smiles and makes an excuse to walk away and goes home and shuts herself in her house and sobs her fucking heart out. She's so lucky that she and her kids have a nice house, she's so lucky she has no mortgage to pay, she's so lucky she doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, she's so lucky that her husbands life insurance paid it off after he was killed by a speeding driver while he was out with the dog. . Yeah, tell her again how fucking lucky she is.

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant, and it's not directed at people who talk about their problems and worries. It's not directed at posters on here. People are struggling financially, I know, I get it. And it's good to talk, and it's good to ask for support when you need it. But to tell someone face to face that they should feel lucky? To whinge and whine and play the victim because one aspect of your life is hard when you know so little about their history or their family circumstances?

Rant over. I wish i could say i felt better for it but I don't. It just makes me so angry.

Why are so many people divulging their personal finances for others to comment upon???

YABU you can have a really shit life and then still have to find an outrageous amount every month to cover a mortgage - so whilst i think "luck" is not the right word to necessarily describe it in every situation - they are lucky in a sense it's one less financial stress than the rest of us

And for most people their mortgages are paid via inheritance from old parents passing on when it was their time - not every one who inherits and is mortgage free had a traumatic and sad loss on their way there

Perfect reply

Yes, it certainly does. Amazing how some people are so offended by realising their relative privilege. It doesn't take away from one's achievements, it's just necessary context.

OP, you sound as though you have anger issues.

I agree that it’s an insensitive thing to say and it’s awful for all those people you know and I really feel for them. But I also know people who have experienced tragedy and still struggle financially as they didn’t inherit.

It’s so true and I think it’s along the lines of the old fashioned mentality that rich people have no problems and shouldn’t ever be unhappy.

I’m 30 and the last remaining member of my family. I’ve had my fair share of jealousy and remarks. Those people don’t understand the feeling of wishing you could sell everything you own just to have 10 more minutes with a loved one.

Instead of just thinking of the money, when someone says they inherited something the correct response should really be “I’m sorry”

No - sometimes hard work pays off. Just because other people are “unlucky” doesn't mean that mortgage free people are lucky.

You are so arrogant if you think it was just hard work that paid off your mortgage. I work bloody hard, I have had some hardship that has meant I have had to work harder at times than others would have to (I'm a woman too after all!) I live in a lovely house, and go on lovely holidays, but it is not all down to my hard work, it is has also been enabled by my loving and supportive childhood, by my health, by my partner and his health, by my children's health enabling us both to continue our careers, the right career opportunities popping up at the right time for me to jump on, heck even the fact I am white will have afforded me some privilege somewhere along the way.

I am lucky. You may not have had all the privilege I have listed above, but I bet you have had a bit of luck along the way too, and it would make you a better person to reflect on that.

Similar. Stepmother left me enough to pay off mortgage. I’d still rather have her here.

Absolutely this.

My sister and I have had a life full of trauma, stemming back to early childhood.
We lost our Dad in tragic circumstances when we were children. He had nothing to leave. We're not bothered about that - he was a good man, and we were lucky to have him as our Dad. Our mother was abusive and we spent time in the care system.

Both she and I are in our 50's now. I feel "lucky".

After escaping my hideously abusive first marriage, spending a couple of years in a refuge, and building my life back up - I'm remarried to a lovely man, and we will be mortgage free next year. That's good luck.

My sister is better educated than me, is a teacher, and was a lone parent. She rents, as there's no way she could get a mortgage. That's bad luck.

I'm lucky. In this current climate, I know I've got a secure roof over my head. She doesn't, and must feel so insecure.

Incidentally, I've never actually had anyone call me 'lucky'. Nobody really knows my financial status.
But, if they did, I would agree with them.

👏hear, hear.

Interesting thread.

I'm not lucky to have had a head injury and post concussion syndrome 9 years ago, then I was permanently injured and brain damaged by an antipsychotic drug given off label after this. I've had a neurological movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia from the drug, and I've not worked for about 6 years (although I might start work after my DD goes to school next year).

I'm not lucky to have poor health but am extremely grateful and lucky to have a kind and supportive DH and parents who literally are financially keeping me afloat, and paying for a lot of things to allow me to carry on being a SAHM to my two youngest DC. It is very fortunate that I can do this, and I know many people who wouldn't be so lucky.

This isn't quite along the lines of your OP, but it is in a similar vein to what you are saying. Quite frankly, I'd give anything to be working full time and back to being in full health as I was before my head injury. 😭 I'd literally give anything.

I don’t agree. If my husband died suddenly I’d be torn apart. AND know I’m lucky we are organised and capable to have set up life insurance that will cover the (large) mortgage so I don’t lose the house as well. Tragedies happen every day, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing left thats positive or lucky in life and in some peoples case it’s that they aren’t also homeless/have to sell the house.

Are you usually this histrionic about other people's business?

I have a mortgage.

My brother doesn't - my parents bought him a house and have cut my out of their will because I told them he sexually abused me throughout my childhood.

Life sucks.

I don't tell people the ins and out of my financial situation so there's no need for them to have an opinion on any of this.

Sounds like you’re looking for offence where none was intended.

I think it's indicative of the general unhappiness with the housing situation in the UK at the moment. Many people are struggling. When they look around and see others not struggling in the same way they can become resentful. They don't see that the others may be struggling in other (non-financial) ways.

Effectively there are two groups of people who are exempt from the housing crisis... those who own their home outright and those in secure social housing. For everyone else it's very difficult at the moment. There's a lot of sniping going on.

This. I bloody love mumsnet because somebody always comes along who words my thoughts more concisely and accurately than I can. But yes, this.

This is very similar to a recent thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4868118-inheritance-treated-as-a-hand-out

Objectively speaking right now of course it is good to not have a mortgage. It's one less thing to worry about.

I certainly feel really lucky that I'm in a housing association property. The circumstances in which I was able to be considered for it were certainly very unpleasant.

And of course nobody's life is trouble free. We all have worries and concerns.

But I look at the cost of private renting and the awful way that private sector tenants are treated and I am beyond grateful for my flat. I know that I am really really lucky not to have that kind of horrendous worry and I am sad that other people do have it.

My dad died when I was young and my mum gifted the life insurance payout to her children to give us massive deposits to buy a property which meant we were all able to own something mortgage-free at a relatively young age. It has been a huge source of security for us and we are massively fortunate that our dad had life insurance and our mum was willing and able to do what she did with it. I would of course get judgey about someone who was unable to distinguish between the psychological impact of bereavement vs a lottery win but I am fortunate. Other things in life have been hard and the roof over your head no matter what security has helped alleviate some of the subsequent stress. Of course it has.

I have no mortgage, I also don't have my father anymore and have slogged my arse off to pay my mortgage off early and get out of any debt. Plus many other hardships which I won't detail. I was brought up working class and am now probably considered middle class.

I am lucky and I am privileged to be mortgage free before 40.

Not because I lost my father or went without or lived through some shite to get to this position, but because thousands of women go through this shit and more but don't have two pence to rub together and still have an ever increasing rent bill to pay or a mortgage that is about to go up so much they have to sell so a precarious living situation that could be taken off them.

Past tradgedies do not erase areas of privilege we have. Being mortgage free is a MASSIVE privilege.

For those who don't like to be reminded about their financial privilege, just don't mention that you've paid off your mortgage to those who haven't.

I feel lucky getting to know my clients who also feel lucky even though they are housed in what are considered the worst accommodations in our area. Where they’ve come from they say at least it’s a warm safe place to live and that’s all that matters to them.

How the hell can you equate that?

I have had no privilege. I have worked full time since I was 16. I have NEVER claimed any sort of benefit, never signed on, even in lock down, I was one of the few who fell threw the gaps and wasn’t “entitled” to any government benefit. No financial input from family - ever.

I have worked through blood, sweat and tears to be mortgage free for the last 47 years. That is not down to luck, that is pure hard graft

I'm sorry this is so upsetting.

But this is another example of small talk, where it's just a comment to move the conversation on. If those people saying it knew the circumstances they probably wouldn't say it? But sometimes we make small talk with people we don't know well and sometimes they don't like what we say. For every person that has a tragic backstory about why they have no mortgage, there'll be another one whose parents bought them their house or who bought at the right time and worked hard to pay it off.

See also: Have you got any kids? Are you married? Where do you work? How did you break your arm?

Very sensible post @nebulae