"You're so lucky if you don't have a mortgage"

[NoTheyAreNotLucky]

This is nothing to do with mortgage rates or cost of living, it's about people who are so caught up in their own little bubble of self pity and victimhood, and who expect the whole world to feel sorry for them.

I've heard this so many times lately - "you're so lucky you don't have a mortgage to pay" but it's just such a stupid thing to say. At best it's thoughtless, at worst it's heartless and cruel.

• My next door neighbour - she was brought up in the 1950's in a very deprived inner city area with an abusive father and an alcoholic mother, she married a good man who gave her safety and security, but who died in his forties. She was married and widowed a second time. Home is her haven, her security, but she owns it and is mortgage-free. Is she "lucky"?

• My old school friend - she paid off her mortgage at the age of 24. Both her parents died within 6 months of each other and the inheritance paid off her mortgage. Is she "lucky"

• A lady i used to work for threw herself into work as a way to cope with the death of her child and the breakdown of her marriage. She worked hard and her mortgage is paid off. Is she "lucky"?

• And i've left this one until last because i'll be dripping tears on the keyboard before i've finished. I have a friend who's been told a couple of times how lucky she is to own her house mortgage free. She just nods and smiles and makes an excuse to walk away and goes home and shuts herself in her house and sobs her fucking heart out. She's so lucky that she and her kids have a nice house, she's so lucky she has no mortgage to pay, she's so lucky she doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, she's so lucky that her husbands life insurance paid it off after he was killed by a speeding driver while he was out with the dog. . Yeah, tell her again how fucking lucky she is.

I didn't intend this post to turn into a rant, and it's not directed at people who talk about their problems and worries. It's not directed at posters on here. People are struggling financially, I know, I get it. And it's good to talk, and it's good to ask for support when you need it. But to tell someone face to face that they should feel lucky? To whinge and whine and play the victim because one aspect of your life is hard when you know so little about their history or their family circumstances?

Rant over. I wish i could say i felt better for it but I don't. It just makes me so angry.

What a pile of mawkish crap.
MIL died at 63 leaving a very small legacy that enabled us to escape our negative equity burdened previous house. Nobody would describe any similar situation as lucky, it was just a fact of our lives.

Quite.

This.

But why should that mean that people who do get free houses are called lucky? Luck has nothing to do with either set of circumstances.

Yes

I think lucky is just a word used without much thought, when people mean fortunate

How do you even know whether so many people have mortgages or not and how do other people know??

Also you just sound a bit like you want to be outraged and melodramatic on their behalf tbh.

How is it coming up so often? I can’t imagine the conversation that leads to this.

I don’t think any of my friends or colleagues know whether I have a mortgage or not.

I'm so sorry @HeadNorth 🌻🌻

think lucky is just a word used without much thought, when people mean fortunate

Agree, it must be exhausting to be so offended all the time. It's pretty self involved to think people are evaluating your life to the nth degree to ensure they precision their words so perfectly, news flash, people just aren't thinking that much, they're just saying things in what is probably a difficult conversation.

I was told I was lucky because we have no mortgage
Asked why I was lucky when borrowed money and paid it back over 21 years

This. Exactly this.

But those two words are synonyms.

At the literal level people who are in the position the OP describes are lucky as it's chance that gave them their house. However the overlay of its being good is what makes it bloody rude to say.

Full disclosure. My mortgage is paid off due to the sudden and unexpected death of my DH. No-one's pointed out my good luck though. Must be my death-ray stare.

I feel that you are hugely missing the point, and I'm not sure if it's on purpose or not....

I'd much rather have financial security, and more security in my accommodation while dealing with any of those awful situations. It's something I would want to gift to my loved ones, or would appreciate if I were gifted that during any similar situation.... Worrying about clumsy or inarticulate comments /assumptions would be so far down my list of things I'd be worried about, I don't know if it would register.

Who are these people that somehow know the intimate Detail of mortgages and financials but not of death and heartache that has befallen these same people?

Thanks for the post OP. I've been stressing today about our mortgage and i needed to hear this. It puts it into perspective. I still have my child, a husband, parents etc. It could be a lot worse.

I think it’s just a Figure of speech.

Of course the situations and anecdotes you outline are sad and people feel compassion - but as others have said these same stories happen (and worse) all the time - except these folk don’t get inheritance and life insurance to allow the families to not have to worry about money/pay off the mortgage. So it can be argued that, yes, they are ‘lucky’. It doesn’t mean their pain and suffering is not valid and they don’t deserve support and compassion.

The situations are sad and in life few of us manage to avoid heartache and sadness - but having money to pay off the mortgage would help.

What a weird position to take.

Nobody is saying “oh you’re so lucky your husband died and left you with enough money to pay off your mortgage”.

People are saying “of all the stressors in life, you’re fortunate/lucky you don’t have paying the mortgage as one”.

It takes a particular mindset to warp the latter into the former. One of victimhood, one might say. You’ve lost perspective. Not everything is about you/your friends’ misfortunes. Everyone has stuff they’re dealing with.

Everyone’s circumstances are different, you don’t know the full story.

A friend inherited a lot of money from a relative and paid off mortgage. I’d say that’s lucky.

I stand to inherit several hundred thousands of pounds. But my parents slogged their guts out working on their own business throughout my childhood, I missed out on play dates, I was lonely, I had to go to work with them every weekend. Whereas my children have had a great childhood in comparison, are much happier and healthier than I was. I’m not sure the inheritance is worth it.

My dad died when I was 12. Obviously it wasn’t lucky he died, but it absolutely was lucky he’d made good financial provision for us, because there’s no way DM could have managed the mortgage herself, and we’d have lost our home on top of everything else.

@R4ID to answer your question aimed at someone else, you are not lucky to be in poor health (and I am genuinely sorry about that) but you are lucky you have a DH who financially supports you, there are disabled people living in poverty no doubt making their lives even harder than they would be if they didn't have to worry about money. No one is saying you're lucky overall, but I suspect, when people are saying things like that, they're trying to highlight positives to you from a place of good intention, not necessarily trying to diminish your experience.

And some people just say daft things without really thinking about what they're saying. It's really not worth overthinking.

Good point. Like "at least"

A shocking indictment of society to consider someone “lucky” because they don’t have a mortgage. What about all the other shit there is to worry about. Money and houses have become the be all and end all. People are more important than money

Yeah but presumably the people they are saying it to are just older people who have paid it off or are rich or have family money that paid it off or inheritance from relatives who lived to a grand old age. So yes they are lucky.

I don't have mortgage due to an inheritance from parents' estate. But I am lucky in this current climate not to have one.

Yes, I'd rather have my parents but having a secure housing situation is a great privilege.