To ask why so many children are feral these days?

[ChocBanana]

I have two DC, one (13) with ASD and hypersensitivity, so she wears ear defenders and ear plugs in noisy environments.
However, today, we have had to leave a museum because of the behaviour of other kids.
I know it’s the last week of the holidays but we tend to prefer quieter places, or quieter times of day. We tend to go to museums and parks, woodlands or if we are going somewhere busier generally we go in the afternoon.

We went to a museum today near us, not a particularly big one. After about ten minutes, a mum came in with three kids and basically said “Off you go” and let them run riot. They were climbing on the exhibits, trying to pull things off the wall, picking up the listening device things and swinging them against the wall and one of them scribbled all over an information panel.
A member of staff asked them to be careful. The mum titled and says “Come on kids, we’re obviously not welcome.” Then on the way out one of them kicked a wall, leaving a scuff mark. As they left, another family came in, the was a display thing where you can pretend to dig for fossils, the two kids were throwing the sand at each other, then a third family came in, one of them, a teenager sat next to where my teenager was trying to regulate herself. She stood up and he instantly out his feet up on her bag then kicked it to the floor and put his feet up on the sofa.
The mum was chatting away to her partner, the youngest child was hiding under a shelf, then started pulling out all the display drawers at once and slamming them shut.

We had to leave at this point, my daughter was in tears.

Now, I said, I get that it’s the last week of the summer holidays. I get that many people are desperate for free things to do, and I know many children have various reasons for acting in various ways. I’m not asking for special treatment or being naive, but SERIOUSLY, AIBU to expect a certain level of behaviour in a museum?
If I am BU, any suggestions on where the hell I am supposed to take a 13 year old who struggles with people at the best of times?

This is absolutely the problem I have with my dd's peers. Unsurprisingly, the school has a very middle class intake. The parents are ghastly in the main.

Not getting disciplined properly

I was wondering this. If the children were cooped up indoors for lockdown did discipline disappear, did they spend their time glued to gadgets all resulting in parenting simply not happening? Let’s hope it will rebalance over time because otherwise these children will become uneducated, unemployable wastrels through no real fault of their own.

Smartphones. I think thy cause lot of distracted parenting.

I notice a lot of the posters on here berating other kids behaviour have SEN children. Echoing a PP, is it because you're more attuned to it?

I haven't noticed kids being more feral, just being kids as they've always been. And what are you basing this on? Compared to ten years ago when you didn't pay kids any attention (I know I was completely unobservant of kids in my 20s). Compared to thirty years ago when you were a child yourself? Compared to fifty years ago when all reference points are biased and lost in the mists of time? Society has always complained about kids, and this thread is no exception. Stop being so grumpy!

Yes it's all a bit too 'children should be seen and not heard'

What days were kids good then

Careful now, you'll be accused of hating children.

Lazy parenting and also defensive parents.

Third parties are very reluctant to intervene or tell children not to do things because so many parent’s default response is immediate umbrage at someone “disciplining” their child. Now I believe children should always be heard, but we seem to have shifted from my parents’ presumption of guilt if anyone complained about us 🤣 to immediate aggression directed at the adult messengers of poor behaviour by children.

Children are very quick to pick up on this and know they are unchallengeable. We’d shit ourselves if an adult spied us messing about because we knew we’d get a bollocking from them and another one from our parents if they found out. Parents who I’m sure would object to their children destroying their own belongings will tell you to you face “They’re just kids” - as they pick the wallpaper off the tearoom wall, the children looking on without a shred of concern. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. It’s such a shame because all normal children misbehave at times, it’s natural, so I don’t know why parents are so defensive to the point of preferring not to correct their children in these situations.

Obviously not all parents are like this but enough to make people very wary.

Absolute nonsense.

They’re fine most of the time but they have their moments when they lose it. Kids who have dysregulated cannot be reasoned with, so if they’ve reached this point I remove them from the situation.

My parenting is not weak at all, I’m very firm, so I’m have no idea how you intimated that.

I do understand and yes, it’s definitely a snapshot judgement. I suppose we are all guilty of that when commenting on things we’ve seen out and about.

I suppose that it was just quite unusual (sadly) to see a mum so engaged with their child and vice versa. She spoke to him properly, not shouting and snapping at him, and gave him clear instructions so he knew what was going on.
I generally witness parents either ignoring their children, or snapping at them and speaking to them like rubbish. Or children completely ignoring their parents instructions.

I just wanted to balance it out. Good parenting and polite children do get noticed.

Yep it’s gentle parenting and can’t be arsed parenting. The worst part is that if you set boundaries early on, parenting becomes easy!

A 13 year old from our village tipped our friend’s 8 year old out of a basket swing and on to the floor and on purpose a few weeks ago. The dad pulled him up on it and mentioned that he had also kicked a teenage girl and tried to set fire to her hair over a vape (seriously!) the week before that and that his behaviour was not OK. The teenager’s mum threatened to call the police on our friend! Never mind her child’s behaviour!

Mine are between 6-15 years of age. One of my direct comparisons was a family members who are 4-7 years of age. Their children are ill mannered, run riot, scream, hit and throw almighty tantrums if someone else doesn’t let them get their own way. No sen as the mother would shout it from the roof tops if there was as a good excuse.

Just feral babied little boys. I have a son myself.

And what about all the thousands of nicely behaved kids, shall we pretend they don't exist?

I am reasonably gentle but I'll be taking my 3 year old to a museum tomorrow and I don't think it would occur to her to misbehave in the ways you've described! If she does I'll quickly distract her or speak to her about her behaviour and leave if she won't stop.

Gentle parenting isn't what you saw today. Those parents are just lazy /slack.

This is where it's going wrong. Why can't you blame a 9yo? Why is it ok that a 9yo shouldn't know how to behave?

It’s not that. England has a huge teacher shortage - one of the biggest cited reasons for teachers leaving is the now extreme behaviour in class and that of the parents. Op has a point.

It's shit parenting.

The problem is people are judging parents in an absolute snap shot moment and it's not really fair on anyone

Sorry but I reserve the right to judge a mother who essentially throws her kids into a museum and lets them run riot. It's more offensive to me that adults think that other adults can't tell when kids are behaving badly because they're consistently allowed to behave like that and when they may have additional needs or are just overwhelmed/tired/whatever. In most instances, it's quite easy to tell, due to how the adults with them are behaving.

People cant know about the sen - with 2y+ waitlists even parents and schools dont know.
Dd missed 18m of out of school activity. When she went back they complained she was more like the youngest kids- yes the ones who actually started in person at the same time rather than her year group who had all gotten into the activity and had 7m pre lockdown.
Some of y6 this year boys were wild. But being 11+ their behaviour is their own responsibility not the parents. I know the parent would have told the kid never to throw thinks like the mallet in the air. And the kid isnt so rude to other kids at school.

Kids are still missing out on things.
Dd2 y3 now has had 1 school trip in 3 school years.
Had very few inside party invites in reception
And will get 1 school swimming lesson through all primary.

We didnt go to museums etc when dd2 was 4+ due to lockdowns.

It maybe that older sibs are more immature than usual.

The worst ive seen was adults at NT playing with the tennis racquets but stepping all over a couple on the floor - old wooden racquets.

Ive def seen awful kid behaviour from climbing up on sculptures, climbing over railings, climbing up the basketball hoops.
And several feeding leaves to horses or reindeer etc. Both parents ignoring.
Kid tripping other up (who was looking at phone) and another at school chucking something over the balcony down to a friend.

I actually think people ‘gentle parent’ not because it’s good for the kids but because it’s good for them. Nobody likes telling their kids off and seeing their sad faces, or having to take the time and effort to monitor their behaviour constantly. So some parents just don’t do this and dress it up as ‘letting them make their own choices’ or ‘letting them be their true selves’.

I see my job as a parent as teaching my children how to get the most out of adult life. To be able to make friends easily, have a choice of jobs, be able to make decisions that suit them and provide them with a good standard of living. This means being socialised, knowing how to behave appropriately, being attractive as friends/colleagues to others by considering the needs and feelings of other people as well as themselves.

By teaching them modern day nonsense such as ALL their feelings being worthy of validation by others, or that ‘rules are for sheeple’, I would be setting them up for a frustrating lonely life full of resistance and disappointment.

No one person can change society, so I’m going to teach them how best to fit into it so they can hopefully have a happy and fruitful life. It’s a shame other parents want to make an example of their own kids at their expense.

Pre-children, I didn't realise parenting is constant. Actually constant.

Don't throw that/Don't shout/Wipe your nose/Yes lets find a loo/Let the lady pass/Well done for picking that up/Don't open that box/Eat that up/Stop spitting that out/Don't poke that/Good girl/Yes you can/Hold my hand/Sit in the buggy/Walk alongside me/No you can't have the phone/Yes you can for 10 minutes/10 minutes is up/Have a drink/Here's your snack/Don't undo the car seat/Can you carry this/No you can't have that/Yes you can have one of those

And you can't take your eye of the ball.

However, I think some people do frequently take their eye of the ball because it is relentless and can be boring and never ending. And sometimes for some parents, they would rather look at their phone. (Yes, some members of my own family included). Then they are confused as to why my children are not feral and theirs are. Because I have constantly parented my children and not shrugged and said 'well boys will be boys' then they get upset when their child's behaviour means that they have given Grandad a black eye......

And at times, I've wanted to run into a wall with the 51st daily reminder to wash hands or wipe their nose........

As a high school teacher I see parents treat their children like ‘besties’.

When the child is behaving badly, some actually phone me to tell me. For example.

“Oh hi Mrs Jones, I don’t know what to do, Lacey was really naughty this weekend and wouldn’t listen to a thing I said. She was up all night on Minecraft and I she wouldn’t listen when I asked her to go to sleep, so she’ll probably be tired today. If you could have a word, that would be brilliant”.

Um, no. No, I will not do your parenting for you. Pull up your big girl or boy pants and discipline your own child. I teach science, that’s it.

I didn’t have the luxury of being fun mummy to my own kids. I was strict mum who demanded full potential. I didn’t get any thanks, but my kids behaved impeccably - and it was hard, thankless work, also known as parenting.

Lovely story, but isn't it sad that this caught your eye as a refreshing change, rather than an everyday sight.

My neighbours kids are feral-they go into the garden at all hours and scream

No parent seems to tell them off-their screaming sets their dogs off and we can't enjoy our garden due to the racket

Another neighbour mentioned it to them (the irony is they moved to our street because its quiet!) and got the shrug and 'it's kids being kids,innit mate?we cant do owt'

These kids grow up and will become the kids who come to my work (think golden arches) and cause havoc

They strut in,sit down (refuse to order food) vape,swear,break things,pour sugar/dips/salt/pepper everywhere,fight,tip bins over-and worse-we kick them out-they just come back

I've been sexually assaulted more than once by them-on one memorable moment,the little fucker who had me pinned to the toilet wall and shoved his hand down my pants was arrested

The police let him go with 'just write her a sorry letter mate and we'll say no more about it' (fucking joke-i wasn't asked about this-id made it clear I wanted to press charges)

I wish I was joking when I say his parents laughed at the police in front of him and said 'he's not writing owt mate,it's just a maccies worker,nowt to get upset over'

That was the end of that-game over

Police didn't do anything about it-they refused to either force him or press charges,which,again is part of the problem

Only today,a group of them broke a table-they walked off-nothing will happen

Last week,one broke a glass wall partition-hit it and it smashed-he just ran off laughing

Kick them out and ban them-they just come back and we kick them out again-rinse and repeat-police do fuck all and I've had parents in screaming at me that we are discriminating against their little petals-show them the cctv-not their little angels,they wouldn't do that,even though the proof is in front of them

I've seen the same kids leave my place of work to do the same thing somewhere else with no no comeback-they do what they want

Something has to give and fast

Parenting via the iPhone generation.