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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you refer to social services in this scenario?

175 replies

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:07

I am a regular poster but I have gone anonymous for this due to the nature of the content.

I have a long term partner I do not live with. He has a 10yo child who he has 50% of the time, the other 50% of the time the child is with his ex-wife and her new partner, who do live together.

I get on well with the child but as we don't live together, I don't really have any kind of a parenting role. I have no contact with the ex-wife at all.

The child has disclosed to my partner, in front of me, that the ex-wife's new partner recently hit them with an implement.

My partner has further disclosed the child has previously told him that the new partner had hit his ex-wife and has frequently said he is 'angry and shouty'. He tried to have a discussion with the ex-wife about this and offered to help her leave but she shut down the conversation.

The child is, IMO, emotionally immature and quite clingy. (This is one reason we've not moved in together yet.) I've never seen any bruises, clearly I'm not involved in any bathing but my partner says he's never seen any suspicious bruises.

This slap across the head has now been disclosed by the child to a therapist. The therapist is concerned the child is living in an abusive environment at the mum's house. But not concerned enough to make a referral to social care at this stage. My partner doesn't really want to believe this is happening and has his head in the sand.

I am on the fence as to whether this is none of my business and in the hands of a professional already, or a situation where I should be making a referral myself.

YABU - a professional is aware, leave it to them, it's none of your business
YANBU - you should refer to social care

OP posts:
Dotjones · 30/08/2023 15:09

I'd leave well alone, the child's therapist is best placed to make this kind of call so if they're happy I wouldn't worry.

NeedToChangeName · 30/08/2023 15:09

I would have thought the therapist would be obliged to refer to social work, but they might not tell parents they'd done so

There may be no truth in child's allegations, but I'd suggest best to refer to social work as a precaution

BlueKaftan · 30/08/2023 15:09

Refer to social care. This poor child is suffering in an abusive household.

Minfilia · 30/08/2023 15:10

The child’s therapist should report it. What were they thinking?

Endofsummerisinsight · 30/08/2023 15:10

Yes. And the therapist should also be reporting. I would be very concerned about a therapist who didn’t report this.

BluebellsForest · 30/08/2023 15:11

Refer it yourself. There are inadequate therapists.

GlitchStitch · 30/08/2023 15:12

The poor child has now disclosed this to 3 adults. Someone needs to report it.

Cakecakecheese · 30/08/2023 15:12

GlitchStitch · 30/08/2023 15:12

The poor child has now disclosed this to 3 adults. Someone needs to report it.

This.

ShinyBandana · 30/08/2023 15:13

Also, is the child at school? You could alert them - they may have other info that strengthens the case for referral

Original poster
Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:15

The therapist has flagged it as a concern but seems not to think referral threshold is quite met at this stage.

Yes the child goes to school.

OP posts:
marmitegirl01 · 30/08/2023 15:16

An implement was used. Report. You can go through NSPCC if preferred. As someone else rightly said- this child has disclosed to 3 adults. Please do something!
And the therapist well I have no words. I work in a primary school. We would be hauled over the coals if we didn't report this.

LavaMonkey · 30/08/2023 15:22

Safeguarding children is everyone's business.

Just do it.

anyolddinosaur · 30/08/2023 15:30

Hit with an implement, slap across the head - hit on the head with an implement or more than one assault?

If they hit somewhere other than the face a bruise wouldnt be obvious. I'd report.

Cowlover89 · 30/08/2023 15:35

Definitely refer it yourself

Eachpeachpears · 30/08/2023 15:37

This child is asking for someone to hear them and to be their voice in the bigger picture. Someone needs to do this. If it makes you feel better op I've reported to social services before. The person never found out it was me. So there is your permission if you need it

Sugargliderwombat · 30/08/2023 15:41

Dotjones · 30/08/2023 15:09

I'd leave well alone, the child's therapist is best placed to make this kind of call so if they're happy I wouldn't worry.

What shit advice. The dad should be reporting and the therapist around be reporting. The dad should also be reporting the therapist. This child is just being failed by everyone OP, you need to do something.

Original poster
Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:41

@anyolddinosaur one incident that I'm aware of, the child referred to as 'slapped me across the head with a ....'

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 30/08/2023 15:43

Yes, you absolutely should report this. You can do it directly to your local children's services (google your council's name and "concern about a child" for links to do this). You could report via NSPCC as an alternative.
The therapist is not following their own safeguarding if the child has told them this. It is not up to them to decide on thresholds for social care intervention and they should be reporting abuse. I would be concerned about his/her ability to safeguard children and would be seeking an alternative practitioner, if it were me.

GlitchStitch · 30/08/2023 15:44

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:15

The therapist has flagged it as a concern but seems not to think referral threshold is quite met at this stage.

Yes the child goes to school.

That isn't her call to make though. She absolutely should be reporting this.

Just repeating that this child has been brave enough to disclose this, needing someone to step in and help him.

hobbitonthehill · 30/08/2023 15:44

Dotjones · 30/08/2023 15:09

I'd leave well alone, the child's therapist is best placed to make this kind of call so if they're happy I wouldn't worry.

You are part of the problem! What stupid advice, think how many children's lives could have been saved by reporting and speaking up!

mrsed1987 · 30/08/2023 15:46

You need to report

Original poster
Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:47

The choice of therapist isn't my decision but I'm sort of relieved that others think it would be reasonable for me to report anonymously as I'm feeling very uncomfortable about the idea of the child going back to this environment for 50% of the time. Although I don't know the ex-wife I also feel for her as I've been in abusive relationships myself in the past, so I know how hard it can be to leave. A referral by my kids' school to social care is what finally kicked me up the backside - the referral wasn't accepted as it didn't meet the threshold but it woke me up. (They are now much older and fine.)

OP posts:
jannier · 30/08/2023 15:48

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:15

The therapist has flagged it as a concern but seems not to think referral threshold is quite met at this stage.

Yes the child goes to school.

The therapist is wrong any safeguarding issues need to be referred, the team gathers information from various sources and builds a picture it's not down to you or the therapist to decide if it meets a threshold it may be several reports have already been made including from school or clubs and a bit more information is all that is needed to open a full investigation. Report it yourself you don't need to be named.

jannier · 30/08/2023 15:49

Dotjones · 30/08/2023 15:09

I'd leave well alone, the child's therapist is best placed to make this kind of call so if they're happy I wouldn't worry.

You haven't had any safeguarding training have you?

Readwj · 30/08/2023 15:50

I'd report to SS and report the therapist to their regulatory body for not reporting!!!

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