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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you refer to social services in this scenario?

175 replies

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:07

I am a regular poster but I have gone anonymous for this due to the nature of the content.

I have a long term partner I do not live with. He has a 10yo child who he has 50% of the time, the other 50% of the time the child is with his ex-wife and her new partner, who do live together.

I get on well with the child but as we don't live together, I don't really have any kind of a parenting role. I have no contact with the ex-wife at all.

The child has disclosed to my partner, in front of me, that the ex-wife's new partner recently hit them with an implement.

My partner has further disclosed the child has previously told him that the new partner had hit his ex-wife and has frequently said he is 'angry and shouty'. He tried to have a discussion with the ex-wife about this and offered to help her leave but she shut down the conversation.

The child is, IMO, emotionally immature and quite clingy. (This is one reason we've not moved in together yet.) I've never seen any bruises, clearly I'm not involved in any bathing but my partner says he's never seen any suspicious bruises.

This slap across the head has now been disclosed by the child to a therapist. The therapist is concerned the child is living in an abusive environment at the mum's house. But not concerned enough to make a referral to social care at this stage. My partner doesn't really want to believe this is happening and has his head in the sand.

I am on the fence as to whether this is none of my business and in the hands of a professional already, or a situation where I should be making a referral myself.

YABU - a professional is aware, leave it to them, it's none of your business
YANBU - you should refer to social care

OP posts:
AlleycatMarie · 30/08/2023 17:37

As a social worker I would say please make a referral. So many times, awful things happen to children and serious case reviews flag that things were missed because people assumed someone else was taking care of it or it wasn’t that big a deal. Even if nothing happens this time, it builds a chronology for next time.

lto2019 · 30/08/2023 17:38

I would report it and give my name. They won't discuss who reported it but even if they did - so what. He hit a child and other people are doing nothing about it.

I would also report the therapist to his/her boss/ governing body as they have not followed the safeguarding procedures.
It is this sort of dithering and inactivity that leads to tragedy and then all you hear is lessons have been learned.

I would tell your partner if you don't want to report it - I will. Do you want to be with someone who is basically ignoring his child's safety? Maybe the ex wife is afraid /unable to do anything to protect her son but there are three other people who are able to do something.

Gagaandgag · 30/08/2023 17:41

Cakecakecheese · 30/08/2023 15:12

This.

Show quote history

ABSOLUTELY

blackbeardsballsack · 30/08/2023 17:46

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 16:49

The therapist specifically said she was concerned that this might indicate there was domestic abuse in the home. She would not refer at this stage but if anything further were disclosed she would have to. My feeling is she was trying to give him a wake up call so my partner would act himself.

They're seeing a therapist for anxiety and anger issues.

'Might be'. Fucking hell.

Even with the sky high thresholds for children's services involvement, this absolutely meets threshold clearly for a S47 investigation. The therapist should hang their head in shame. If dad was any sort of parent he would not be returning his child to the other home until police/social worker has investigated.

mrsfindlay · 30/08/2023 17:49

Report report report!

This obviously needs reporting. I'd also be inclined to not stay anonymous; explaining the full situation will make the information more credible and less likely to be viewed as a malicious referral. I'd also tell SS that DSD sees a therapist and has reported it to them, the team are likely to contact them and cross check information. Go directly to the local councils childrens services, it will be quicker! I'd also make school aware next week. The therapist is 100000 % wrong, it's for the SS team to decide if threshold is met...

ALSO, it's up to dad to assess the situation and exercise his PR, is he honestly happy to send his DD back to and unsafe and abusive environment ? Why isn't he acting on this information and protecting her? If there's a court order in place then he needs to seek further legal advice and apply for an emergency c100. I feel sorry for this poor child who has told her dad and a therapist that she is suffering physical and emotional abuse and no one is doing anything about it!?

PrincessScarlett · 30/08/2023 17:51

TeenLifeMum · 30/08/2023 17:32

I’d struggle to continue with a dp who was able to bury his head in the sand like this.

This 100%!

How on earth your DP can sit back and ignore his child living with domestic abuse is absolutely despicable.

GP78 · 30/08/2023 17:52

GlitchStitch · 30/08/2023 15:12

The poor child has now disclosed this to 3 adults. Someone needs to report it.

This, someone has to help the poor kid 💐

GP78 · 30/08/2023 17:55

One of the biggest dangers to a child is living with an unrelated male, we've all seen how that all too often plays out xx

VeloVixen · 30/08/2023 17:56

That therapist surely wants reporting/sacking, they must be bound by safeguarding duty?

User5653218 · 30/08/2023 17:58

The therapist should have reported.

Your dp should report.

If not you should.

I work in child safeguarding and we would definitely report this. If one of my colleagues didn't report we would consider that to be misconduct on their part.

Reporting a concern is not scary. It doesn't immediately bring the full force of social services and rhe police down on someone. But it might be a piece of a larger picture.

TrishTrix · 30/08/2023 17:59

Why on earth is your partner not refusing to send his child back to this household?

He knows what has been alleged so is now complicit.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 30/08/2023 17:59

That therapist needs pulling up. She’s not referring as she believes it won’t hit threshold… but that’s not a therapists decision to make. The therapist should be reporting it and SS will decide if it hits threshold.
has this therapist had basic safeguarding training?

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/08/2023 18:00

Did no one ask the therapist why they did not deem it necessary to report on this occasion?

mrsfindlay · 30/08/2023 18:01

lemonsorbetinthesun · 30/08/2023 17:59

That therapist needs pulling up. She’s not referring as she believes it won’t hit threshold… but that’s not a therapists decision to make. The therapist should be reporting it and SS will decide if it hits threshold.
has this therapist had basic safeguarding training?

I agree! The therapist needs to be reported

Baystar · 30/08/2023 18:01

Report it, you have valid concerns and therfore have a duty of care. Usually Social care will establish facts through some kind of triage process, so tell them what you know and let them decide whether this requires escalating.

teatimenow · 30/08/2023 18:04

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:15

The therapist has flagged it as a concern but seems not to think referral threshold is quite met at this stage.

Yes the child goes to school.

How many more children need to die in England before health care professionals do their jobs properly. This child needs you to advocate for them.

foolishone · 30/08/2023 18:04

The therapist is absolutely wrong and failing in their duty of care. It's not their decision to decide where the threshold is.
Definitely report.

MeridianB · 30/08/2023 18:04

User5653218 · 30/08/2023 17:58

The therapist should have reported.

Your dp should report.

If not you should.

I work in child safeguarding and we would definitely report this. If one of my colleagues didn't report we would consider that to be misconduct on their part.

Reporting a concern is not scary. It doesn't immediately bring the full force of social services and rhe police down on someone. But it might be a piece of a larger picture.

This, exactly.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/08/2023 18:04

Report it and get rid of your partner who should be the one reporting it himself.

Cakeandcardio · 30/08/2023 18:10

Your partner thought the abuse was so bad it warranted him trying to help his ADULT ex wife to leave. But it's not bad enough for anyone to do anything to help the child? I would report. This isn't a blood relation so the trauma this child will experience is likely to be even worse. Someone has to do something.

Itsallsostressful · 30/08/2023 18:16

I would definitely refer. And it's not the therapists decision whether it meets thresholds....that's the call of Social Services after their information gathering. Please refer and I'm shocked at the therapist

honeyrider · 30/08/2023 18:16

Please report it. It can be hard for a child to open up about being abused and he's already reported it to 3 adults and so far none have reported it.

The therapist is not qualified to make the judgements social workers are qualified to do that's why it's not the therapist's role to decide whether to report it or not, it's the therapist's duty to report it and needs to be reported for failing to safeguard the child.

IcedBananas · 30/08/2023 18:19

Yep report it to SS. They need a record of each and every time the child is hit. Otherwise, they finally get a referral, by this point child has been hit 10 times but no one told SS so SS think it’s only happened once or twice and ‘doesn’t meet the threshold’ so child still isn’t protected. They need the complete picture to accurately judge if it meets the threshold or not.

godmum56 · 30/08/2023 18:21

two referrals (or 2000) no problem. Zero referrals, problem. Just go do it.

recklessgran · 30/08/2023 18:23

Please, please report it OP. I was that child but without a therapist. Nobody helped. I was damaged for life with the abuse I suffered. I'm 67 now and still suffering from my hugely abusive childhood. I beg you to save this poor child from the same fate.