Would you refer to social services in this scenario?

[Anon0823]

I am a regular poster but I have gone anonymous for this due to the nature of the content.

I have a long term partner I do not live with. He has a 10yo child who he has 50% of the time, the other 50% of the time the child is with his ex-wife and her new partner, who do live together.

I get on well with the child but as we don't live together, I don't really have any kind of a parenting role. I have no contact with the ex-wife at all.

The child has disclosed to my partner, in front of me, that the ex-wife's new partner recently hit them with an implement.

My partner has further disclosed the child has previously told him that the new partner had hit his ex-wife and has frequently said he is 'angry and shouty'. He tried to have a discussion with the ex-wife about this and offered to help her leave but she shut down the conversation.

The child is, IMO, emotionally immature and quite clingy. (This is one reason we've not moved in together yet.) I've never seen any bruises, clearly I'm not involved in any bathing but my partner says he's never seen any suspicious bruises.

This slap across the head has now been disclosed by the child to a therapist. The therapist is concerned the child is living in an abusive environment at the mum's house. But not concerned enough to make a referral to social care at this stage. My partner doesn't really want to believe this is happening and has his head in the sand.

I am on the fence as to whether this is none of my business and in the hands of a professional already, or a situation where I should be making a referral myself.

YABU - a professional is aware, leave it to them, it's none of your business
YANBU - you should refer to social care

The background on hitting the mum once that I know of and shouting doesn't necessarily mean abuse but could do. Abuse is a pattern of coercive controlling behaviour not a one off argument where someone gets hit.

Hitting a partner is domestic abuse regardless if you think it’s a one off, there doesn’t need to be a pattern of coercion for it to be abusive. And hitting a child with an implement is a criminal offence in all parts of the U.K.

The child will be unhappy and insecure given there’s violence in the home and all the adults they’ve told have effectively communicated that it’s ok.

No it's my understanding from when I was researching what it was when I was myself being abused.

That isn’t appropriate if that is what she was doing.

Safeguarding children is everybody’s responsibility. I’m very surprised the therapist hasn’t reported straight away. I work in a school and if a pupil sais this to me, I’d be going through the proper channels immediately.

I would report it as soon as you can. Even if it’s untrue, the fact that she’s said it indicates that there is something making her unhappy. If it is true, even as a one of, hitting a child with something is not acceptable! Even though it might not yet show a pattern of behaviour, it shows they are capable.

I've yet to meet a man that's hit (especially in a new relationship) that hasn't done so again....and yes...one hit is an abusive relationship.
It doesn't matter if its second or 3rd hand info, they don't just remove children there are a lot of steps before that to help families. This family needs help. Please stop dragging your heels and act on this. I've reported before and the family did need support and got it, sadly it all failed and the children were removed. Teachers had also reported.

Please refer this. The therapist should have done this. All professionals have a duty to safeguard children. Disclosing to three adults is a clear cry for help. Don’t fail this child.

My partner cannot afford to go through the court process to get full custody at this time. Presumably if social services mandated this he wouldn't have to pay though.

He can represent himself for a couple of hundred quid.

Doesn’t matter re second hand, report and it can be investigated . As others have said , there may be other concerns and this then helps build a picture.

Is your partner going to do anything ? Have you asked him if he will report ?

You absolutely need to report this. The therapist's personal conscience and professional practice are their own problem, but you now know about the allegations of abuse and you have to do something about it.

Presumably you know it rarely is the once .

Plus time and again it’s the new partner who harms the child .
So we have suspected hitting with an implement , shouting , a new partner hitting mum and a child needing therapy .
What is your partner planning to do ? What did his ex say when he raised it ? Deny it ?

Absolutely 100% report it.

The name Victoria Climbié should say it all really.

It's your duty as an adult to report this if there is any chance of a child being abused. The "system" now pieces together information to build a bigger picture, so the more concerns reported, the more seriously the case will be taken.

Your partner is useless isn't he. If my child told me his dad's partner slapped him and his dad and was shouty and angry, I'd have EVERYONE involved as my child is my world and wouldn't be safe in that environment. The mums being abused, what's your partners lame excuse.

It's not a weird statement at all as many many professions require safeguarding training. Off the top of my head, anyone that works with children in any way whatsoever, anyone working with disabled or vulnerable adults, the police, everyone that works at a hospital, therapists and counsellors. So safe to say a lot more than the 1% of the population you suggest.

OP, glad you have decided to report. As previous posts have said, safeguarding is EVERYONE'S responsibility. It may come to nothing and all is well but it's so important that every disclosure is reported as it means that a picture of the situation can be built up. Too many times children have slipped through the net and been seriously hurt or killed because people are worried about causing trouble or don't want to get involved.

The likelihood of this being a ‘one off’ on both mother and child is slim. This is abuse no matter which way you look at it.

from the NSPCC:-

Child abuse is when a child is intentionally harmed by an adult or another child – it can be over a period of time but can also be a one-off action. It can be physical, sexual or emotional and it can happen in person or online. It can also be a lack of love, care and attention – this is neglect.

Report she's witnessing DV as well.

I would call social services if a complete strangers child disclosed that to me! He’s been abused by a grown up and it will most likely happen more than once. Phone social services straight away. It is your duty as an adult (no matter what the relationship is) to protect a child at risk. I would also phone NSPCC for advice from them aswell.

Another vote for report.

As someone mentioned upthread, we are ALL responsible for safeguarding. Too many small children have had their childhoods destroyed, and even lost their lives, because people didn't want to 'stick their oar in'.

Pass the information on and let people who are trained to deal with exactly this sort of situation, step in and put support in place.

Thank god he has you. Looks like no one else is going to step up.

Hitting mum once? It's never just once. It builds. The fact the child saw makes me think it's been going on awhile. Did any of your abusers hit you infront of the kids to begin with? Mind didn't.

Ex social worker of 12 years here. Yes this needs to be reported. It will be screened by the referral team and they will take it from there.

children have died due to people not feeling it was their place to report concerns.

I’d struggle to continue with a dp who was able to bury his head in the sand like this.

This is terrible advice. You should never assume that someone else will sort it out, even a professional. That is how awful things happen and are not picked up until it's too late. There are many high profile cases where everyone thought someone else was/ would do something.

All adults involved in a child's life have a responsbility for safeguarding.

If you report it and the therapist has already reported it, then great, it's a 5 minute phone call and they will tell you they are already aware. If the therapist hasn't reported it then it could make a huge difference to that child's life.

Social services will never be annoyed at a double report. It's worse if no one does it.

Apologies if someone's already asked this, but for you know which school the child goes to? Report to the school (safeguarding issues will be picked up even though term hasn't quite started yet) too. It's all part of an overall picture and the more people who know that could potentially bring action to protect the safety of the child the better.

Could you live with yourself if that child was murdered next week……you had concerns but did nothing? I know I couldn’t.

100% report.

OP I was beaten badly as a child (I didn't have a step parent, my natural parents remained married) and I cried out for help many, many, many times. Quite literally, some of the time. Yet I truly believe that the reason nothing was done because my parents weren't separated and they clearly owned their home; I know, this sounds outrageously stereotypical and closed minded but I have quite a few other reasons to believe this to be the case.

Also, this was in the late 80s & throughout the 90s. Society hadn't yet reached the stage of actually learning from any of the high profile cases of missed child abuse. Bias was well and truly present.

Posted too soon. I meant to add : please please don't ignore this. If social services decide not to act upon it then nothing will be done. They do certain checks behind the scenes before contacting the parent/s (such as checking the last recorded weight, contacting school and they will also contact his therapist-- yes they have permission under the law in order to access/do this)
So they'll check things you won’t have access to and if they decide all of these things point to a healthy child with no flags of abuse or neglect, then his mother won’t be contacted