Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you refer to social services in this scenario?

175 replies

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:07

I am a regular poster but I have gone anonymous for this due to the nature of the content.

I have a long term partner I do not live with. He has a 10yo child who he has 50% of the time, the other 50% of the time the child is with his ex-wife and her new partner, who do live together.

I get on well with the child but as we don't live together, I don't really have any kind of a parenting role. I have no contact with the ex-wife at all.

The child has disclosed to my partner, in front of me, that the ex-wife's new partner recently hit them with an implement.

My partner has further disclosed the child has previously told him that the new partner had hit his ex-wife and has frequently said he is 'angry and shouty'. He tried to have a discussion with the ex-wife about this and offered to help her leave but she shut down the conversation.

The child is, IMO, emotionally immature and quite clingy. (This is one reason we've not moved in together yet.) I've never seen any bruises, clearly I'm not involved in any bathing but my partner says he's never seen any suspicious bruises.

This slap across the head has now been disclosed by the child to a therapist. The therapist is concerned the child is living in an abusive environment at the mum's house. But not concerned enough to make a referral to social care at this stage. My partner doesn't really want to believe this is happening and has his head in the sand.

I am on the fence as to whether this is none of my business and in the hands of a professional already, or a situation where I should be making a referral myself.

YABU - a professional is aware, leave it to them, it's none of your business
YANBU - you should refer to social care

OP posts:
CutiePatooties · 30/08/2023 15:51

Readwj · 30/08/2023 15:50

I'd report to SS and report the therapist to their regulatory body for not reporting!!!

This.

Dolores87 · 30/08/2023 15:52

The child's therapist should be reporting this. I am shocked they are not as they are a mandatory reporter. The therapist really needs to refresh their safe guarding training.

I would definitely report this.

tealfox · 30/08/2023 15:53

100% this needs a safeguarding referral. anonymous via the NSPCC if that's more comfortable. the therapist is also 100% in the wrong and are not the statutory agency to decide if 'thresholds' are met or not. They should have made the referral
themselves and are professionally negligent.
that poor child is telling adults about what's happening and so far no one has done anything to help her be safe.
she may give up telling people or she may return to school and tell them who will refer and all those who didn't act on the information previously including her father will be judged on their lack of action to protect her from abuse.

kittybiscuits · 30/08/2023 15:54

The therapist is not fulfilling his/her statutory duty if they work for NHS and is likely not meeting the requirements of their organisation's safeguarding policy if they work in the voluntary sector. Is it an independent practitioner? If so, they need training. I would report and include the info about disclosure to the therapist if the situation allows.

Soontobe60 · 30/08/2023 15:55

Not only is the therapist completely out of order, but so is your partner!

tattygrl · 30/08/2023 15:55

GlitchStitch · 30/08/2023 15:12

The poor child has now disclosed this to 3 adults. Someone needs to report it.

This, a million times. Three adults all essentially gazing round at each other thinking "ah well, they know too, I'm sure someone's doing something". This is precisely what the child DOESN'T need.

Not trying to be too harsh on you, OP, I know you're working through this right now and that you want to act. I just want to illustrate why you must act: because if you don't, it will be that awful situation of her having told three separate adults, separate times, and everyone going "hmm, doesn't sound very good..." and nothing happening. Make the call.

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/08/2023 15:58

jannier · 30/08/2023 15:48

The therapist is wrong any safeguarding issues need to be referred, the team gathers information from various sources and builds a picture it's not down to you or the therapist to decide if it meets a threshold it may be several reports have already been made including from school or clubs and a bit more information is all that is needed to open a full investigation. Report it yourself you don't need to be named.

Show quote history

Indeed - it's down to the team to decide if it "meets the threshold", not the person receiving the disclosure.

The therapist needs referring for further training, I think.

DeathstarDarling · 30/08/2023 16:00

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. If you have seen or heard anything that you think puts the child at risk you should and possibly report - NSPCC can advise

gazpachosoupday · 30/08/2023 16:01

I would report and hope that the therapist just cant say they are reporting, so has come out with a bullshit excuse

onanotherday · 30/08/2023 16:06

DeathstarDarling · 30/08/2023 16:00

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. If you have seen or heard anything that you think puts the child at risk you should and possibly report - NSPCC can advise

This!....call ss they will do a section 17 assessment and take it from there.

Username1996 · 30/08/2023 16:07

You need to report it.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 16:11

Surely you become an accessory to child abuse if you keep quiet?

Autieangel · 30/08/2023 16:11

The therapist should refer but yes definitely do. They can check the background of this man and see if there is any history. They can investigate what's happening and see if there's any concerns. If there isn't they will drop it and if there is then they can support mum and child

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2023 16:20

OP, how do you actually know what you have been told second- or third-hand about the disclosure to the therapist is even accurate?

From what you've said about your level of involvement, it sounds like you've either heard about the disclosure to the therapist and the therapist's apparent response from a child or from your partner who you admit is in denial.

So it doesn't sound like you can be sure that the professionals are definitely aware of the full story at all.

Spidder · 30/08/2023 16:20

If in any doubt, report.

I've phoned services before, because I had concerns. I dithered for a bit, but then I thought about all those times where people heard things and thought:"Oh, it's a kid being overdramatic" or "someone else will have already called" or "what if it's nothing?" And then that kid ended up abused.

You lose nothing by reporting.

xyz111 · 30/08/2023 16:22

Dotjones · 30/08/2023 15:09

I'd leave well alone, the child's therapist is best placed to make this kind of call so if they're happy I wouldn't worry.

Leaving it up to other people is how children slip under the radar.

Robotalkingrubbish · 30/08/2023 16:24

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:15

The therapist has flagged it as a concern but seems not to think referral threshold is quite met at this stage.

Yes the child goes to school.

We all have a duty to protect children from harm. You have a duty, as you are aware of the assault. The therapist is clearly ill informed regarding child protection.

WobbIy · 30/08/2023 16:24

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 16:11

Surely you become an accessory to child abuse if you keep quiet?

Nah, you won't. Definitely not in this scenario (or most scenarios, frankly). But the therapist could be in trouble as she has a duty to report her concerns.

ManateeFair · 30/08/2023 16:26

A ten-year-old has told you, their father and their therapist that they have not only witnessed but also been subjected to domestic violence by their mother's partner. It's pretty obvious that the child is asking for help. None of you are giving them that help.

Please refer it to social services. Go via the NSPCC if you need to.

I'm shocked that your own partner isn't taking action himself to be honest.

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/08/2023 16:29

The child's therapist should be reporting this. I am shocked they are not as they are a mandatory reporter. The therapist really needs to refresh their safe guarding training.

There isn’t mandatory reporter status in the UK. If the therapist is working privately there’s no legal duty to report, but an ethical one by virtue of any registration they may hold.

If the therapist is working in the NHS they would be obliged to refer, they don’t have much discretion in this, so it’s worth checking where the child is receiving therapy.

In any event the child has now told multiple adults they’ve been assaulted using an implement, and effectively been ignored. I’d report to social work through whatever reporting process is in place (it varies depending on area).

dancingsands · 30/08/2023 16:31

How many adults does this child have to tell before someone gets help for them? Contact social services

Birdkin · 30/08/2023 16:39

Readwj · 30/08/2023 15:50

I'd report to SS and report the therapist to their regulatory body for not reporting!!!

I completely agree with this!

CharlotteBog · 30/08/2023 16:39

The therapist has flagged it as a concern but seems not to think referral threshold is quite met at this stage.

Can you find out more about this?
"seems not to think" leads me to believe they didn't discuss with their manager or head of safeguarding.

Flagged it as a concern where or to whom?

WannabeMarieKondo · 30/08/2023 16:40

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:15

The therapist has flagged it as a concern but seems not to think referral threshold is quite met at this stage.

Yes the child goes to school.

Have they reported it as a safeguarding concern ? Who did they flag with ? I mean new partner and hotting with an implement , plus DV, are all risk factors.

Original poster
Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 16:41

I was there when my partner had a conversation with the therapist through the car phone so I heard both sides of the conversation. As far as I am aware she is a private therapist.

I am going to report anonymously to the NSPCC with the information I have and leave them to decide whether to report.

OP posts: