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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you refer to social services in this scenario?

175 replies

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:07

I am a regular poster but I have gone anonymous for this due to the nature of the content.

I have a long term partner I do not live with. He has a 10yo child who he has 50% of the time, the other 50% of the time the child is with his ex-wife and her new partner, who do live together.

I get on well with the child but as we don't live together, I don't really have any kind of a parenting role. I have no contact with the ex-wife at all.

The child has disclosed to my partner, in front of me, that the ex-wife's new partner recently hit them with an implement.

My partner has further disclosed the child has previously told him that the new partner had hit his ex-wife and has frequently said he is 'angry and shouty'. He tried to have a discussion with the ex-wife about this and offered to help her leave but she shut down the conversation.

The child is, IMO, emotionally immature and quite clingy. (This is one reason we've not moved in together yet.) I've never seen any bruises, clearly I'm not involved in any bathing but my partner says he's never seen any suspicious bruises.

This slap across the head has now been disclosed by the child to a therapist. The therapist is concerned the child is living in an abusive environment at the mum's house. But not concerned enough to make a referral to social care at this stage. My partner doesn't really want to believe this is happening and has his head in the sand.

I am on the fence as to whether this is none of my business and in the hands of a professional already, or a situation where I should be making a referral myself.

YABU - a professional is aware, leave it to them, it's none of your business
YANBU - you should refer to social care

OP posts:
Thingamebobwotsit · 30/08/2023 16:42

Referrals get made over much less. And child has disclosed to 3 adults... that you know of. Refer anonymously and see what happens next. Am appalled the therapist hasn't referred tbh. They don't have the experience to make a judgement of what is/isn't meeting a threshold. That is for social care workers to do.

WannabeMarieKondo · 30/08/2023 16:42

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 15:41

@anyolddinosaur one incident that I'm aware of, the child referred to as 'slapped me across the head with a ....'

Why are they seeing a therapist ?

WannabeMarieKondo · 30/08/2023 16:43

HarrietSchulenberg · 30/08/2023 15:43

Yes, you absolutely should report this. You can do it directly to your local children's services (google your council's name and "concern about a child" for links to do this). You could report via NSPCC as an alternative.
The therapist is not following their own safeguarding if the child has told them this. It is not up to them to decide on thresholds for social care intervention and they should be reporting abuse. I would be concerned about his/her ability to safeguard children and would be seeking an alternative practitioner, if it were me.

Exactly, they aren’t the person investigating. They should just refer .

AnneValentine · 30/08/2023 16:44

It’s really weird that the therapist isn’t concerned, unless it’s a low key “he tapped me on the head with a folded newspaper” or something. But that seems unlikely.

Social services or the school.

Deathbyfluffy · 30/08/2023 16:45

jannier · 30/08/2023 15:49

You haven't had any safeguarding training have you?

Show quote history

What a weird statement - 99% of people probably haven’t.
Regardless, this needs to be reported now.

WannabeMarieKondo · 30/08/2023 16:45

GlitchStitch · 30/08/2023 15:44

That isn't her call to make though. She absolutely should be reporting this.

Just repeating that this child has been brave enough to disclose this, needing someone to step in and help him.

Show quote history

Exactly, and it’s better to refer and it’s not assessed as needing more input than to miss something . Safeguarding training tells you to report concerns, not to investigate and not to make decisions re criteria.

Nicole1111 · 30/08/2023 16:47

The therapist needs sacking for gross misconduct. The start of therapy children’s therapists have to tell the client what they say is confidential, unless they believe they are at risk themselves or a risk to others, in which case they’ll have to share their worries with someone.

Original poster
Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 16:49

The therapist specifically said she was concerned that this might indicate there was domestic abuse in the home. She would not refer at this stage but if anything further were disclosed she would have to. My feeling is she was trying to give him a wake up call so my partner would act himself.

They're seeing a therapist for anxiety and anger issues.

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 30/08/2023 16:51

Report to MASH - google their number because it varies with each county. They will have knowledge from other agencies and will decide whether to act or not. It could be that they already know things from school.

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/08/2023 16:52

The therapist needs sacking for gross misconduct.

She can’t be sacked from her own practice, and there’s no legal obligation to report if she assessed that it wasn’t necessary. I’m not saying she’s right in her decision making but she’s not broken any law.

I’d stop using her regardless given she had a phone conversation about a client that could be overheard on speaker phone.

234vhh · 30/08/2023 16:53

Definitely report.

Rather than NSPCC look up the child safeguarding part of your local council. They’ll have a number to call.

CraftyGin · 30/08/2023 16:53

Don't trust other people to refer.

Do it!

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/08/2023 16:54

The therapist specifically said she was concerned that this might indicate there was domestic abuse in the home. She would not refer at this stage but if anything further were disclosed she would have to. My feeling is she was trying to give him a wake up call so my partner would act himself.

Shes a bit short sighted to be concerned there may be domestic abuse while not acting on a direct disclosure from a child that they were actually assaulted. You deal with the disclosure you have, not wait for what might come next.

WannabeMarieKondo · 30/08/2023 16:57

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 16:49

The therapist specifically said she was concerned that this might indicate there was domestic abuse in the home. She would not refer at this stage but if anything further were disclosed she would have to. My feeling is she was trying to give him a wake up call so my partner would act himself.

They're seeing a therapist for anxiety and anger issues.

You said the child told their father that his mum has been hit, so there is DV . Did your partner tell the therapist that ?

Regardless of DV, hitting with an implement is serious and should mean it was referred.

What implement ?

234vhh · 30/08/2023 16:57

This child has been physically assaulted and witnesses abusive language, if not physical violence, in their home environment. This is a place where they are meant to feel and be safe.

Please report - you will be the only person in their life to date that has intervened to stop this from happening. Can your partner go through proceedings to have the child reside with him until mum has kicked this guy out?

WannabeMarieKondo · 30/08/2023 16:59

Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 16:49

The therapist specifically said she was concerned that this might indicate there was domestic abuse in the home. She would not refer at this stage but if anything further were disclosed she would have to. My feeling is she was trying to give him a wake up call so my partner would act himself.

They're seeing a therapist for anxiety and anger issues.

When there is DV the parent needs to protect the child and we see on here how mothers can lose their children if they stay .
Now I’d expect the other parent , who lives apart, also has a duty to protect . Your partner must do that . Does he believe his child ? If so he must stop ignoring this .

Onelifeonly · 30/08/2023 17:00

Hitting with an implement will be taken seriously by social care. I'm a safeguarding lead in a school and we would certainly report it on, rather than just keeping a record of it for future reference. Child could be making it up theoretically but even if they were it's a cry for help.

tealfox · 30/08/2023 17:00

234vhh · 30/08/2023 16:53

Definitely report.

Rather than NSPCC look up the child safeguarding part of your local council. They’ll have a number to call.

if the OP wants to guarantee anonymity the NSPCC is the only route to remain so.

LillianOrGillian · 30/08/2023 17:01

3 adults are aware that there is a potential issue, and not one of you have yet reported it? Unbelievable.

I'd also find out which regulatory body, if any, the therapist belongs to and report her inaction also.
Also, why report anonymously? This child needs you and when, probably inevitably, social services do nothing, how are you going to follow up?

Happyandtired · 30/08/2023 17:02

Report it immediately. I'm speechless a therapist hasn't done so already, but it's like what I say, some people scrape through a degree and are shit at their jobs including safeguarding.

A multitude of staff missed Baby P, Victoria Climbié, Daniel Pelka, the list is endless...just because they are a professional doesn't meant their a good practitioner.

Not only that but a child has done a brave thing and told 3 bloody adults and nobody is acting on it - why do you think he told someone....because he wants somone to help.!The part about hitting his mother should be enough let alone hitting him, does anyone seriously think this is going to get better. Please act on it now, phone the NSPCC, you can do it anonymously.

234vhh · 30/08/2023 17:04

tealfox · 30/08/2023 17:00

if the OP wants to guarantee anonymity the NSPCC is the only route to remain so.

Show quote history

I missed the comment about wishing to stay anonymous. I would have absolutely zero qualms about being revealed to be helping a child to escape a physically abusive and scary situation so it didn’t dawn on me that anonymity was a factor for the OP.

Hooplahooping · 30/08/2023 17:04

This 1000% - better over investigated than a child left in an unsafe situation. If someone was genuinely concerned about anything about my child - I would rather they called it in than decided it wasn’t their business.

Original poster
Anon0823 · 30/08/2023 17:06

Part of my concern over reporting this was that a lot of what I know is second or third hand. The only direct disclosure made in front of me was about hitting with an implement and I'm not going to say what it was in case that is outing. Then I've heard the conversation with the therapist (she knew I could hear and my partner had said I could hear anything she had to say) but I wasn't there to hear exactly what the child said. And I've got what my partner has told me.

The hitting with an implement is horrible and in itself alone I would think should merit a referral.

The background on hitting the mum once that I know of and shouting doesn't necessarily mean abuse but could do. Abuse is a pattern of coercive controlling behaviour not a one off argument where someone gets hit.

But at the same time this child's behaviour strongly suggests they are insecure and unhappy.

My partner cannot afford to go through the court process to get full custody at this time. Presumably if social services mandated this he wouldn't have to pay though.

OP posts:
HerculesMulligan · 30/08/2023 17:09

Abuse can be a one-off hit, OP. It really can. Don't minimise what you're hearing - a single hit is assault and a criminal offence, remember.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2023 17:09

The background on hitting the mum once that I know of and shouting doesn't necessarily mean abuse but could do. Abuse is a pattern of coercive controlling behaviour not a one off argument where someone gets hit.

Did the therapist tell you this?