Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To have been horrified by shop assistants complete lack of empathy

219 replies

WDY23 · 30/08/2023 14:33

Hello,

I have just come back from the local (ish) shop and the lady in front of me was taking her time at the till adjacent. Didn't think much of it initially, until I hear "no, that's not enough, you need to put x amount back". Very sharp and very cold. The woman, who I would say was in her 50's, had hearing aids and possible learning difficulties and was really struggling to understand what she needed to do. The 'assistant' was just staring at her through narrowed, icy eyes and folded arms.

The woman kept asking exactly how much did she have to put back, but the assistant clearly didn't think it was her job to offer any help whatsoever - just said "keep going", as this woman nervously scrambled through her shopping bags, putting them back on the counter. She clearly wasn't trying to get away with stealing or anything, she just needed a bit of help. I heard her say it was so expensive now, to which, you guessed it, the assistant responded with another cold, judgemental glare. She clearly didn't deem her worthy of a response. She then started apologising for the trouble, very nervously and I honestly could have cried for her.

The items she put back were essentials - bread, milk etc and I was appalled at the complete lack of humanity shown by this woman. I asked her if everything was OK and was even tempted to offer to help her pay for those essentials, but was also worried I might offend. She didn't really understand and just said another very sad "sorry" to me and to the assistant and she just rolled her eyes and shouted "next!".

My blood boiled. I was so cross, but I didn't know what to do. I was very close to confronting her, but my dd was with me and wasn't feeling well, so I didn't want to make her feel worse. Tempted to call and suggest that they offer this woman some extra customer service training, which would hopefully include some training in kindness and compassion. Maybe you can't teach this.

Anyway, I needed to share.

I sincerely hope I'm not alone in thinking how depressingly cold hearted this was....

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 30/08/2023 15:19

I'd have offered to pay.No.point being angry if you're not offering to help.

CrashyTime · 30/08/2023 15:20

OnTheRoll · 30/08/2023 15:15

I once queued behind an elderly customer who was struggling to pay for her shopping with her card. The shop assistant was trying to help her by suggesting she try a different card but the lady could not understand what was going on and looked very confused. I paid her for shopping. It was about £30 and close to Christmas.

Reading your OP my heart was breaking for this poor customer. It's horrible not being able to afford necessities.

I would have paid for it as well, as far as the shop assistant goes you have to accept that a lot of people nowadays don`t have the social skills to work out how to act in different situations, and many people in shops are dealing with hordes of rude angry and financially stressed customers every day, they must be struggling with their own stress levels.

Dramatico · 30/08/2023 15:20

If the shop assistant HAD shown empathy (as opposed to the 'coldhearted' 'icy look' you so vividly impute to her)...would that empathy have paid for the bread and milk?

FuckingHellAdele · 30/08/2023 15:21

If anything will give you 'narrowed, icy eyes' it's having to 'assist' the Great British public.

CheshireCat1 · 30/08/2023 15:22

Oh dear.

jays · 30/08/2023 15:23

WDY23 · 30/08/2023 14:33

Hello,

I have just come back from the local (ish) shop and the lady in front of me was taking her time at the till adjacent. Didn't think much of it initially, until I hear "no, that's not enough, you need to put x amount back". Very sharp and very cold. The woman, who I would say was in her 50's, had hearing aids and possible learning difficulties and was really struggling to understand what she needed to do. The 'assistant' was just staring at her through narrowed, icy eyes and folded arms.

The woman kept asking exactly how much did she have to put back, but the assistant clearly didn't think it was her job to offer any help whatsoever - just said "keep going", as this woman nervously scrambled through her shopping bags, putting them back on the counter. She clearly wasn't trying to get away with stealing or anything, she just needed a bit of help. I heard her say it was so expensive now, to which, you guessed it, the assistant responded with another cold, judgemental glare. She clearly didn't deem her worthy of a response. She then started apologising for the trouble, very nervously and I honestly could have cried for her.

The items she put back were essentials - bread, milk etc and I was appalled at the complete lack of humanity shown by this woman. I asked her if everything was OK and was even tempted to offer to help her pay for those essentials, but was also worried I might offend. She didn't really understand and just said another very sad "sorry" to me and to the assistant and she just rolled her eyes and shouted "next!".

My blood boiled. I was so cross, but I didn't know what to do. I was very close to confronting her, but my dd was with me and wasn't feeling well, so I didn't want to make her feel worse. Tempted to call and suggest that they offer this woman some extra customer service training, which would hopefully include some training in kindness and compassion. Maybe you can't teach this.

Anyway, I needed to share.

I sincerely hope I'm not alone in thinking how depressingly cold hearted this was....

I would phone and bring it to the attention of the manager. That’s but acceptable to treat a customer like that.

SquirrelFeeder · 30/08/2023 15:25

@AutumnCrow & @OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia have both been reported for troll hunting. If you can’t stick to the rules, then find another forum!

marcopront · 30/08/2023 15:27

@WDY23

What did she actually buy?
You've said she put back bread and milk but not what she was able to buy. Were they also essentials?

SquirrelFeeder · 30/08/2023 15:29

Can the troll hunters not just bugger off? You're not moderators!

SummerDawn2000 · 30/08/2023 15:30

That poor lady. No one deserves to be treated like that and the shop assistant could have been more professional. We truly live in an ableist and disableist society. What ever any one says communally and culturally there needs to be more awareness and humanisation of people with LD. disabled people will always exist and have always existed. I’m sorry Op you were in that situation and just didn’t know what to do.

CrashyTime · 30/08/2023 15:30

Could the hearing aids have possibly been "props", part of a character act to scam the shop or gullible customers, or was the person well known to the assistant who had lost patience with her after many encounters?

Inmybirthdaysuit · 30/08/2023 15:30

I was in a similar situation a while back where an obviously disabled woman ahead of me in aldi was having to put back beans and bread and other essentials. I just paid for her. Obviously, the shop assistant should have been kinder but you should have stepped in and been kinder too.

Silverdogblue · 30/08/2023 15:32

RampantIvy · 30/08/2023 14:41

I would have just paid for her shopping.

Agreed. Even if she’s a grifter, it would have alleviated your guilt.

LondonLovie · 30/08/2023 15:33

Wow sounds like most MN's should get a job at this shop. Icy hearts all round. I didn't know empathy had gone out of fashion.

OP sounds upsetting to have witnessed.

User1324593 · 30/08/2023 15:34

You should've just paid for it instead of starting a MN thread with your moral outrage! The shop assistant has no authority to give away any items for free and was presumably stressed about the customer holding up the queue.

Yes, she could have showed more empathy but supermarket cashiers are also not paid enough for a tiring job that needs to be done under immense pressure. In most cases, they would expect customers to shop with a budget and do the maths before the till. Even though that particular customer seemed vulnerable, the vast majority of people with learning & social difficulties do manage to complete their weekly shopping without miscalculating the budget.

Similar thing happened once to me in a supermarket with a small child in front buying something trivial with pocket money. He miscalculated and didn't have enough coins. I just swiped it on my card, end of story.

MargaretThursday · 30/08/2023 15:34

I offered to pay once in a similar situation in a local shop. I vaguely knew the manager, who called me over and said just to wait with her for a minute.
The lady in question went out, put her bag in the boot of her car, picked up another bag and came back in and did exactly the same thing again. Once I had noticed her I saw her a few times more over the next few weeks doing the same.
She was also very clearly making sure she was just in front of people who were likely to feel sorry for her-young mothers and older ladies. More often than not people did offer to pay, and if they didn't, she went out of the shop with "what she could afford" and then returned and tried again. The only time I saw her just pay was when she was buying a fairly large amount of alcohol.
I think she was banned from the shop eventually.

I've always been wary of stepping in since then. I'll do small items, but not a full shop.

gannett · 30/08/2023 15:34

Horrified by an overworked poorly-paid staff worker trying to do her job, blood boiling dramatically... but did bugger all yourself to help? OK then.

Can't stand people who stand there and tut judgmentally while doing nothing to make a situation better themselves. If you're going to keep out of it then keep all the way out of it.

EightChalk · 30/08/2023 15:35

CrashyTime · 30/08/2023 15:30

Could the hearing aids have possibly been "props", part of a character act to scam the shop or gullible customers, or was the person well known to the assistant who had lost patience with her after many encounters?

How likely is it really that someone would have prop hearing aids in order to attempt to scam some milk and bread? That's a bit of a cynical view.

Nuca · 30/08/2023 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AgnesX · 30/08/2023 15:36

Given some of the replies here it's not surprising that the shop assistant's attitude stinks.

From what you've said the customer had various disabilities so not exactly bright enough to be a chancer even if this a regular occurrence.

There's not a lot of empathy kicking around some places.

CuteCillian · 30/08/2023 15:36

The woman might do that every single day and it's an act (and the shop assistant knows this) to try and get freebies.
Similar happened to me and I offered to pay, the store manager approached me and said the customer visited numerous times and they would not allow me to pay.

FarEast · 30/08/2023 15:36

You should have paid for her groceries. Bread, milk aren’t going to break the bank. There are ways of doing it without giving offence - you just go to the till and say “I’ll take care of this today.” And tell the other person that they can do it for someone else when they’re in a position to do so.

Im not shocked or even offended by the shop assistant’s behaviour. People who work in shops put up with a lot of shit. A lot of crap.

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 30/08/2023 15:37

ChatGPT are becoming more obvious, be the norm soon enough

WellDuh · 30/08/2023 15:37

The woman might do that every single day and it's an act (and the shop assistant knows this) to try and get freebies.

We have a customer that used to do this regularly. Never had enough in her purse to pay for her shopping. Put on a whole 'young damsel in distress' act. She had her shopping paid for by gullible men behind her in the queue on more than one occasion. Couple of times it didn't work so I'd have to offer to remove things. I have no patience for her. It was every time (not seen her in a while).

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 15:37

It's easy for you to judge - all you saw was a snippet of conversation. You also did absolutely nothing to stand up for this woman or to help her, just stood and tutted at the "icy" shop assistant instead.

If she was behaving that badly and you felt the lady was vulnerable, why didn't you speak up and say something, or try and help her in some way? Or is just easier to judge and bitch instead?

Swipe left for the next trending thread