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Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 30/08/2023 00:42

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:32

I'm not desperate for a man tho. I was just wondering if this guy is right, he would rather we ate cheaply at his every single meal. By cheaply I mean toast or porridge or soup. That's what he'd eat. When I don't want to, he has the idea I should pay. I think he should pay for himself but I do really see his side, he would be happy to eat toast or whatever, why should he pay for wagamama etc. But I still think he should pay his own way

Leave him home with his toast then, and go out with your friends or children.

Ridiculous man. I would seriously consider whether it's a good idea to become more serious with someone with this eccentric attitude to money.

Original poster
Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

OP posts:
MMorales · 30/08/2023 00:45

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

You could still treat them. But dont have to take him along with you.

Overthebow · 30/08/2023 00:49

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

You can still treat your kids just no need to spend quite so much. Have a day out but take a picnic and snacks with you. They’ll still love it.

Inca22 · 30/08/2023 00:56

What you spend your money on is YOUR choice? Why work so hard and earn a decent amount if you can't have a blow out every so often. However, this is money that you could put towards more treats / savings for yourself of your kids. By you paying for him that's what you're denying them.

NoSquirrels · 30/08/2023 01:03

he would be happy to eat toast or whatever, why should he pay for wagamama

Because he ate the Wagamama meal?

SapphOhNo · 30/08/2023 01:03

Another sad thread about a woman accepting less than she deserves.

Get rid.

Amybelle88 · 30/08/2023 01:07

Ugh he gives me the major ick 🤮

Avatartar · 30/08/2023 01:14

Yes you are being ridiculous- in allowing it to happen and then also for creating a thread about it as if it’s likely to be an acceptable way of behaviour anywhere.
end it

ukgot2pot · 30/08/2023 01:25

He chooses not to work.

Is he loaded or something?!

Yolo12345 · 30/08/2023 01:29

Text him or say to him something like "hey, I've been meaning to let you know that I'm not going to be paying for your meals out from now on. So I completely understand if your prefer not to join us." And see what he replies.

inadarkwood · 30/08/2023 01:29

I'm not desperate for a man tho

You're not? You are doing a very good impression of someone who is.

HelenTudorFisk · 30/08/2023 01:38

He is increasing his savings AT YOUR EXPENSE.
With money you could be spending on or saving for your children.
Read that over and over until the type of man you are dating sinks in, and then put him in the bin where he belongs.

ChubbyMorticia · 30/08/2023 01:41

Every cent you spend on him is money you don’t have for your kids. Dump him.

Midl · 30/08/2023 01:46

"Yeah he's not totally honest with his energy company either"

Interesting. He's a dishonest tight arse. If he's dishonest in this way, it's telling. What makes you think he's honest with you?

Can't you see that you're both not well-suited? You have different views when it comes to money (and money and how to spend it are some of the most common things people argue about in relationships) as well as you both having differing ideal lifestyles. You like nice things and living like a celebrity on a non-celebrity income, while he strikes me as someone who is cunning, selfish and extremely careful about his money. If he spends it, it'll be on himself. I find it very sneaky how he says things like: 'I'm happy eating toast so if you want more than that you'll have to pay for this meal' or whatever he says, because he knows you like dropping a few grand on a holiday and living large so you wouldn't put up with toast. This means he knows you're going to end up paying every time and that his childish (and quite frankly insulting) analogy should be enough to convince you why you should foot the bill every time. It's a very underhand trick and you should put an end to it. He is also showing you that he is not prepared to pay for your child. This man is getting free meals and all the benefits of a relationship without putting anything in. Oh wait, he makes you laugh.

CalistoNoSolo · 30/08/2023 01:47

God he sounds awful, how can you bear to be anywhere near him? Tight people are the absolute worst. Just dump him already.

CherryMaDeara · 30/08/2023 01:48

Every time you pay for this entitled cocklodger, you’re taking money away from your own kids.

How do you have the ick but still not dumped him?

EmmaEmerald · 30/08/2023 01:51

OP "He owns a cheap car. I have a 3 year old car so we go everywhere in my car, because he doesn't want the wear and tear on his."

that is horrendous. He won't spend a bean for you. Dump him.

momonpurpose · 30/08/2023 02:03

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 29/08/2023 23:52

Unfortunately you feel used because you are being used.

OP get rid of him and use the money on you and your DC. He's entitled and seems to think it's OK. Or keep him and make it clear if you join in you pay your way

Rivergardens · 30/08/2023 02:41

His savings are at your expense. If he has had no mortgage for a number of years and has substantial savings it’s easy to make 5.5% that’s secure and tax free in ISA products currently. So he could easily add to his savings.

You are being taken for a complete mug.

Waffle78 · 30/08/2023 02:44
  1. Your not his mother
  2. Your not pinning him down and insisting he eats out with you. He could go home.
  3. What does he bring to the relationship? How is he with your children?
  4. We are going through a cost of living crisis. He obviously isn't considering the money you spend in him could be spent on your children instead.
fgsstopbs · 30/08/2023 02:45

Why are you staying with him?

AngelAurora · 30/08/2023 02:51

More fool you, I don't know why you need to ask what to do, is if not obvious?

Crayfishforyou · 30/08/2023 03:07

He won’t change. He is a miser.

PostOpOp · 30/08/2023 03:12

He doesn't respect you. Worse, he resents how you live and he's deliberately, unashamedly punishing you for it by making you pay for him! Don't pay another penny. He's not a nice guy.

Remember that nice guys don't have a mean side. Mean guys do have a nice side though. Even controlling abusive arseholes have a nice side.

Let him go and find a woman who wants to sit at home eating porridge and toast every evening.

You'll save money yourself if you dump him.

Win-win!