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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 31/08/2023 23:36

I'd Iove to see how "nice and kind" he is when you teII him he has to pay his own way. I so hope you wiII do so. He's taking fuII advantage of you. Get out. There's no amount of "nice" that makes up for that sort of "meaI ticket" mentaIity...aIthough you see it often in pIaces where oIder, weII-off women gather, they caII them con men there.

QS90 · 31/08/2023 23:36

Very best case, you want very different lifestyles which aren't compatible.

But really, ick ick ick! Throw him back in the sea where he belongs.

ukgot2pot · 31/08/2023 23:40

@Fanofbeasmith I still don't understand. He gave up job because he hated it, so he's now on benefits or does he live on savings?! Does he pay to ever work again?

ukgot2pot · 31/08/2023 23:40

plan*

QS90 · 31/08/2023 23:43

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

If you can afford to go out and enjoy it, why not?? Don't stop doing the things you like because of this killjoy.

UniversalAunt · 31/08/2023 23:43

‘I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)’

Whoa! This is entirely reasonable to treat your kids, this is what you work & save for.

But why only one day with them during the six week holiday, this is your closest family ? Are you that busy at work that you cannot secure a few more days with them?

I am not questioning your love & support of your children, just that you are denying yourself such simple pleasures of a few more days with them in the long holidays?

Page 3 | My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything | Mumsnet

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything. He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4883694-my-boyfriend-expects-me-to-pay-for-everything?reply=128804716

threatmatrix · 31/08/2023 23:47

There is only one answer to this but I think you know that.

GrannyRose15 · 31/08/2023 23:48

If you enjoy spending time with this guy then invite him out - occasionally- and accept that you will pay. Keep it casual, don’t let him move in with you and see where it goes. Though the answer is probably nowhere.

If you want more from the relationship in terms of commitment then make it clear that’s what you want and dump him if you don’t get it.

The choice is yours.

Tallisimo · 31/08/2023 23:49

This is bizarre. You must know that you are being taken for a ride? Just stop it. Say no. He has his own place. Let him him stay in it more often!
although, actually, he’s being selfish and mean and freeloading so I’d tell him to go away and get his act together, you’re done being his sugar mummy.

Bluesandwhites · 31/08/2023 23:57

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/08/2023 00:40

You don't seem to be taking onboard what people are saying. He's a sponger and is actually taking money off you and your kids! Why are you with him?

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe
Yes, my immediate thought is this catch of the century is taking money of OP's kids, quite content for Op to spend money on meals out and food for him, when she could be spending on her kids, it's like having an additional child !
A pp has called him a cocklodger, but I note he has his own home. If his gas & elec total £25 per month though, he must be spending most of his idle time at OP's home. Unfortunately there are men who target single mothers to sponge off them and use them.

ShinyCaptain · 01/09/2023 00:06

I said YABU because I can't believe you humour this exploitative fuck for a single second. Where is your dignity?

Duckingella · 01/09/2023 00:17

Does daddy bear have a golden cock to go with his porridge?

Is this a new fairy tale;Goldilocks and the freeloader?

Bluesandwhites · 01/09/2023 00:31

Duckingella · 01/09/2023 00:17

Does daddy bear have a golden cock to go with his porridge?

Is this a new fairy tale;Goldilocks and the freeloader?

@Duckingella
This is funny ! I thought he must be . . . .well hung Grin

BaconChops · 01/09/2023 00:35

Get rid

BaconChops · 01/09/2023 00:37

ShinyCaptain · 01/09/2023 00:06

I said YABU because I can't believe you humour this exploitative fuck for a single second. Where is your dignity?

Why?! People come on here for help and advice but shit, let’s get a dig in where we can eh?!

Newestname002 · 01/09/2023 00:45

@Fanofbeasmith

But life isn't free.

It seems to be for him. He's either got income (taxpayer paid benefits?) that you don't know about to be able to afford to own and run a car, pay his bills, fuel for the car etc. (And I see it's mainly your car that's used, including fuel you also at for whilst he saves "wear and tear" on his...) or he's living in an inheritance or cash from somewhere else?

If I was happy to go where he wants to go he would drive us in his car.

Has he demonstrated that? And not asked you to pay for fuel?

He hated working

A lot of people do, but continue to do so to be able to afford a standard of living beyond soup and porridge and not sponge off others.

He obviously has no conscience taking advantage of you and your children. What is nice or kind or funny about that?

I'm glad that you're beginning to resent his attitude and hope you don't leave it too long before closing the door on him and his expensive expectations. 🌹

HoppingPavlova · 01/09/2023 00:47

Then he can eat at home, and not go out places with you and when you do get together would just be for movie nights at home etc with equal contribution from him. He sounds like an arse though, and I would just get rid as life is too short.

moortownplumber · 01/09/2023 01:56

I think this is liberating for women,
why can’t women be independent and pay for lunch,
times are changing its time for women to take there place as equals but in order to make this happen there’s going to be a period where we need to act like men
Girl power💪

Green7691 · 01/09/2023 02:15

Let him know if he's not prepared to go half's or get a job if he hasn't already he best seek some help or leave, or like most have already said end the relationship! Put your Children first...

T1Dmama · 01/09/2023 02:17

Just say ‘sorry but I can’t afford to take you too! Or simply book your tickets for a day out and if he wants to come send him the link to book and pay for his own ticket!!
Or simply tell him that you find it VERY unattractive that he can afford to save but not pay his way when you all go out together!
I would literally have to either finish the relationship or do one of the above.
My friend has a bf similar to yours, it’s awful… she pays for everything despite him earning more and only outgoings being rent he pays her (which doesn’t even cover what he costs her!!) she buys him lovely birthday presents and he’ll buy her a doorbell or something else effectively ‘for the house’… he also always orders the most expensive meal when out… find it so rude!!
I couldn’t date someone like this, just say you can’t afford it and eventually he’ll offer to pay for himself!! Take a bloody picnic when you go out and tell him to bring his own sandwiches!!….

m I actually question if this is financial abuse!!

T1Dmama · 01/09/2023 02:25

I’d be tempted to stay in at his, let him do himself toast and order yourself a take out to be delivered and don’t share it!! Tell him he doesn’t want it otherwise he’d pay for half!!!! Tight arse hole

MakeMineABourbon · 01/09/2023 05:39

Surely you must know you need to get rid? And as quickly as possible.

VictoriaVenkman · 01/09/2023 06:59

Riverlee · 31/08/2023 21:48

It gives me the ick and I don’t even know him.

Same here

Ryeman · 01/09/2023 07:10

I just don’t think you’re compatible I’m afraid, with such different views on money and spending (your views seem pretty normal btw, not his).

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 01/09/2023 07:40

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:32

I'm not desperate for a man tho. I was just wondering if this guy is right, he would rather we ate cheaply at his every single meal. By cheaply I mean toast or porridge or soup. That's what he'd eat. When I don't want to, he has the idea I should pay. I think he should pay for himself but I do really see his side, he would be happy to eat toast or whatever, why should he pay for wagamama etc. But I still think he should pay his own way

Just drop him, don't bother seeing him anymore. He sounds very controlling so not a nice guy. Let him eat porridge at his on his own everyday. Why should he have a say in what you and your kids eat. Don't have anything more to do with him. He's gaslighting you. Try not to use your credit cards unless its an emergency.

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