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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
WaterWipee · 30/08/2023 00:09

You wrote that you love being with him, but you don't otherwise you wouldn't have posted for our opinions on here. You know something is wrong. He's massively using you OP. You laid it all out there. Reread what you wrote: he's a home owner with no mortgage, while you're renting, have children and are putting your lifestyle on credit cards. Although you're on a good salary and whether you use credit cards or not is really your own choice and business, it does seem that whatever he earns (you said he's increasing his savings so I'm assuming he rents his place out and stays with you) it's like his savings go into a bucket that he keeps, while you're pouring all of your earnings like water into a basket.

I get the feeling that you want this guy in your life because you think he looks the part, but to me he's a really poor investment. If you have a daughter you're also showing her what kind of men to go for. This guy is a total loser for sponging off you.

There are many men out there who are kind, funny and who wouldn't treat you like this because they respected you.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/08/2023 00:10

But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.
So actually, he has got more money than you, if his savings are increasing he's got an income, which he is choosing to accumulate into his savings!
Tell him you are not paying for him any more, if he doesn't want to pay, then he can't come out with you. What sort of man, who has his own money, leeches off a single parent who is running up credit card debt?? I'm guessing he s living off some sort of investments, but whatever the case, if he cant afford to pay for himself, he shouldn't be asking you ( quite shamelessly) to pay.
And think about why you are spending £300 on a day out when you haven't got the money to pay for it? That's ridiculous! 3 meals out on the trot, that's a lot whether or not you're paying for him as well. Put your credit card away. One meal out is a treat, sounds like you can't actually afford to be that extravagant.
Wise up, ditch this user and put a stop to running up more credit card debts.

Original poster
Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:10

He is increasing his savings. His outgoings are very low, he has no mortgage, he pays £25 a month on gas and electric combined, a few £ on water and he lives very cheaply. He owns a cheap car. I have a 3 year old car so we go everywhere in my car, because he doesn't want the wear and tear on his.
Urgh I have the ick. I've told him I'm actually a single mother, it's not great he expects me to pay for him

He hates me spending money generally. I took my children on holiday last month and his attitude is that if I can waste £ thousands on a holiday I can pay a few quid for a meal.

I do see his point that he wouldn't ordinarily pay money to eat in these places, but I just don't see why I should pay for his meals 😔

OP posts:
pamplemoussemousse · 30/08/2023 00:13

@Fanofbeasmith please get rid of him, he sounds awful by your description and I feel like you're painting him in a good light

SunRainStorm · 30/08/2023 00:13

Stop paying for him.

pamplemoussemousse · 30/08/2023 00:14

Also who's gas and leccy is £25 a month? Ours is almost £400 and we never have the heating on and are hardly ever in!

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 00:14

All he has to do is say that he can't afford to eat out and so he will meet you later. Every single thing you've said about him is really awful. As for £25 per month on heating and power, that's basically the minimum daily charge isn't it? He mustn't have the heating on at all in winter if he's only paying that.

alexdgr8 · 30/08/2023 00:17

are you for real OP ?
or are you having us on ??
presumably you do a professional job;
where are your brains ??

Ridemeginger · 30/08/2023 00:17

Why are you bringing a disrespectful cocklodger into the lives of your children? In using up your funds, he - and you too - are depriving them of funds that will be needed to provide them with a secure future. You are renting and living off credit cards. You cannot afford to be so irresponsible with the money you have when you have children depending on you. Dump him, and don't enter into another relationship where you put your children in financial jeopardy.

Overthebow · 30/08/2023 00:18

Op if you’re living off credit cards why are you going on holiday, days out, eating brunch and tea out and having takeaways and eating in fancy restaurants? But no stop paying for him.

Frogger8395 · 30/08/2023 00:19

What need of yours is he meeting op? Because to be putting up with this scrounging bastard you must have a need that you feel only he can meet.

What is it? Surely it can be met another way?

Original poster
Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:19

pamplemoussemousse · 30/08/2023 00:14

Also who's gas and leccy is £25 a month? Ours is almost £400 and we never have the heating on and are hardly ever in!

Yeah he's not totally honest with his energy company either 😔

OP posts:
Ridemeginger · 30/08/2023 00:22

He hates me spending money generally. I took my children on holiday last month and his attitude is that if I can waste £ thousands on a holiday I can pay a few quid for a meal.

You mean he hates you spending money when it's not on him. Why are you allowing him to tell you what you do or do not spend money, especially where your children are concerned? Why didn't you tell him to sling his hook the minute he started doing this?

Tinkerbyebye · 30/08/2023 00:22

His choice not to work, your choice not to pay

if you want to stay with him , and I wouldn’t as it’s not attractive to not work and expect someone to pay, then set some boundaries, if he comes he pays his way. If he is not prepared to pay he doesn’t come

simple as that

Money987654Plant · 30/08/2023 00:22

Not working = not an attractive trait

NewName122 · 30/08/2023 00:22

Get rid. If he's agreeing to go on days out he needs to pay for himself. You're not his mum (hopefully).

SummerWhisper · 30/08/2023 00:22

He hates me spending money generally.

Correction: he hates you spending money on your children instead of him.

if I can waste £ thousands on a holiday

Why are you with a man who resents you and your children having a holiday?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2023 00:24

I'm going to be very blunt here, because you need a massive wake-up call. You are a mug. You're a complete doormat, and your boyfriend is walking all over you. How can you possibly be allowing this? The only reason I can imagine is that you are so desperate for a man you will bow down to this cocklodger because you can't bear to be without male companionship.

Come on now. Give your head a massive wobble and get rid of this user.

Original poster
Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:32

I'm not desperate for a man tho. I was just wondering if this guy is right, he would rather we ate cheaply at his every single meal. By cheaply I mean toast or porridge or soup. That's what he'd eat. When I don't want to, he has the idea I should pay. I think he should pay for himself but I do really see his side, he would be happy to eat toast or whatever, why should he pay for wagamama etc. But I still think he should pay his own way

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 30/08/2023 00:34

Not working = He has a side hustle like drug dealing or shop lifting he isn't telling you about. He doesn't tell you about his true income because it is probably illegal, and he doesn't want to allow you to the opportunity to spend his money. The benefits system does not pay enough to buy a house, and survive. He isn't a boyfriend but a leech. Stop taking him out and paying for dates. A leech who takes off a woman in debt who also has dependent children is pond scum. He has no respect for you, and will extract as much money from you as he can. He is the modern day equivalent of a pimp. Most unattractive. You need to work on your self esteem and learn to say 'no' to spongers, and also 'no' to yourself. No one in any form of debt needs expensive days out, and meals out. IF you live that life, you shall be in debt forever. Your children remember TIME spent with you, not a 3 course meal at an overpriced restaurant.

Ridemeginger · 30/08/2023 00:34

FFS, if he'd rather eat toast, he can stay at home then. Are you joined at the hip? If you want to go out for food, do that WITHOUT HIM.

Imogensmumma · 30/08/2023 00:36

Then say to him I’m taking my kids out to wagamama’s you can join us, I just can’t afford to pay for you. Same with days out.

However, even without paying for him it does sound like you are overspending- a £300 day out on a credit card is a big expense

SummerWhisper · 30/08/2023 00:39

No he isn't right, not one bit. Everybody has been explaining this to you. Stop putting up with his scrounging and dominance over you.

JoIo · 30/08/2023 00:40

I'd rather have toast than Wagamamas on credit.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/08/2023 00:40

You don't seem to be taking onboard what people are saying. He's a sponger and is actually taking money off you and your kids! Why are you with him?

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