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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 30/08/2023 07:01

You know what you need to do. Get rid.

Dery · 30/08/2023 07:02

“do you really want to be with someone who never wants to go out or spend money on anything, ever? Do you want to be with someone who is happy to lie to defraud utility companies? Do you want to be with someone who is happy to take money out of you and your children's family budget, just so he doesn't have to spend any of his own money?

There's a difference between being careful with money and being a miser. It's clear which one he is.”

This. He’s not a kind man, OP, he’s awful. Why are your standards so low that you have him in your life?

ChaToilLeam · 30/08/2023 07:04

Ditch this sponger! Where are your standards?

IHateFlies · 30/08/2023 07:07

Realistically, where can this relationship go?
He's not working through choice and expects you to pay for everything. How unattractive.

VictoriaVenkman · 30/08/2023 07:11

He sounds awful.

WandaWonder · 30/08/2023 07:12

Viviennemary · 30/08/2023 06:32

Up to you. If it was the other way round man paying for everything some women would be quite happy with this arrangement. By personally I wouldn't be comfortable living off another adult. And wouldn't be happy paying for everything either. He must have savings or income. But even that isn't the point. He is a sponger.

same

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 30/08/2023 07:16

If you want to take your children out for a meal then do that but don't invite your BF, he can stay at home with his piece of toast. If he doesn't want to pay for anything only meet him for things that cost nothing or even better find another BF.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 30/08/2023 07:17

If you love him and want to be with him then I think that you could set a few ground rules and see what happens.

Invite him to do free stuff with you - suggest things like a walk, a trip to the park, a cuppa at his house in the sun. Don’t pay for anything at all, don’t offer to drive him, don’t bring stuff. See if you enjoy spending time together when no money is involved.

If you want to invite him on a day out which costs money or are getting a takeaway when he’s at yours etc ask him “I am buying wagamamas for me. Do you want to buy some for yourself? Or do you want to eat something different?” If he says he’ll have it then he pays for his own, if he says something different then you leave him to sort his own meal and just eat yours.

Dont invite him on family days out where you are footing the bill for yourself and the kids; and don’t let him criticise how you spend your money “you can criticise my spending when you are funding it. Until then please stop being so rude”

mycoffeecup · 30/08/2023 07:19

Not married?
No joint kids with him?

Why on earth have you stayed this long?

Glittertwins · 30/08/2023 07:19

Also there is no need to stop the days out / meals out with your children. Just leave him behind.

LadyGAgain · 30/08/2023 07:20

Urgh bin him off. He sounds awful. He might be funny and a good chat but he is selfish, mean and you're heading towards a cocklodger. Get rid.

Skodacool · 30/08/2023 07:25

Avatartar · 30/08/2023 01:14

Yes you are being ridiculous- in allowing it to happen and then also for creating a thread about it as if it’s likely to be an acceptable way of behaviour anywhere.
end it

Agreed, this beats most of what I’ve read on MN for being ridiculous. Where does he get his income if he chooses not to work? OP you’re enabling him, if this is true, which I’m beginning to doubt.

sunshineplayroom · 30/08/2023 07:30

Ugh.. he sounds repulsive 🤢

Hibiscrubbed · 30/08/2023 07:33

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

No, stop the whole relationship. He’s a tight-fisted, mean, lying, free-loading miserable shitbag.

Thoughtful2355 · 30/08/2023 07:35

He's taking money off your children and they're future, think about it ... The money you spend on him could be used to save up to help your kids out of a tight spot in the future. He's using you and it's wrong. Imagine being a homeowning man and being happy for a renting mother to just take the bill every time.

ilikeeggs · 30/08/2023 07:35

How can you find this man attractive?

Thesehills · 30/08/2023 07:38

Stop doing it. Can't imagine why you would allow this.

primoseyellow · 30/08/2023 07:40

Very odd he chooses not to work and live off porridge, toast etc , miserable life that if he wants to live on his own fine.

But why doesn't he pay for himself when you are out? Think about it, why on earth should you pay every single time? Not having a go at you, but how can you think this is normal or acceptable that you pay for him all the time?

So you would pay for yourself and him when its your birthday treat meal etc?
Seriously get rid of this weird tight fisted man child saddo.

JenWillsiam · 30/08/2023 07:41

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:19

Yeah he's not totally honest with his energy company either 😔

Show quote history

You’re charged by use. Not what you claim. There’s something off here. Get rid.

Peony654 · 30/08/2023 07:42

Oh dear; why are you even asking. End it. Or at the very least, don’t invite him anywhere with you and the kids. If he has no money, that’s his fault and you shouldn’t be subsiding that. I hope you can improve your own financial situation too, he’s not helping that!

1AngelicFruitCake · 30/08/2023 07:43

I think so many people are in your mindset of ‘I must treat myself/my children, I must spend’ etc. You went abroad! That’s a massive treat! My children haven’t been abroad and we’ve had the odd meal out but it’s mostly been done cheaply this summer. Forget the boyfriend, you are spending money you haven’t got, all for a Wagamama or takeaway.

VeganStar · 30/08/2023 07:43

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:32

I'm not desperate for a man tho. I was just wondering if this guy is right, he would rather we ate cheaply at his every single meal. By cheaply I mean toast or porridge or soup. That's what he'd eat. When I don't want to, he has the idea I should pay. I think he should pay for himself but I do really see his side, he would be happy to eat toast or whatever, why should he pay for wagamama etc. But I still think he should pay his own way

If he wants to eat toast and soup let him eat it and you go out on your own or with the kids.
This is a wind up. No one in their right mind would put up with this.
You are living off your credit cards and he won’t use his car because he doesn’t want the wear and tear?
I bet you pay for all the petrol as well or so you’d have us believe Sorry but nobody is this stupid. I call bullshit!

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 30/08/2023 07:45

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2023 03:21

Oh and....I am mortgage free and live frugally.

I can not afford to give up my job! If he is claiming benefits then he must be doing it fraudulently because people of working age cannot give up work and claim just like that, they either live off their savings or win the lottery! The fact that he is increasing his savings suggests to me that he is as DODGY AS FUCK.

I think his secret side hustle is as simple as letting OP to pay for him as if he was another one of her kids.

If you are mortgage free, but have a warm second home where you spend most of the time, that comes with free food included, someone driving for you, cooking for you at their expense and paying for all costs of going out and holidays while you are mortgage free, it is perfectly possible he doesn’t need a job as he is only paying, fraudulently, for his tiny energy bill.

My only question is, if he is not working and OP pays so well for his upkeep, where is he getting the money from to pay for his energy bill and savings? Op, are you “lending” him money as well?

strawberry2017 · 30/08/2023 07:46

Get rid!
He's a waste of space and he sounds awful.

Pottedpalm · 30/08/2023 07:49

I think you should have a baby with him and come back and tell us how it goes 😏

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