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AIBU?

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Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Poppingmad123 · 31/08/2023 18:05

What an odd question! If you don’t live with each other, there is no reason to include him in events he can’t afford.

There are usually plenty of free events you can do with him instead (depending on age of your kids) and just take yourselves a packed lunch. Your boyfriend being a grown man, can sort his own lunch out. Stop enabling him and then complaining about it afterwards.

Only spend money you can afford to on your family. Live within your means and hopefully you’ll all be happier. Hope the sex is good op. At least that is also free 😅

browneyes77 · 31/08/2023 18:07

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny

From what you’ve told us about him, I’m struggling to see how he could be nice, let alone kind.

He’s taking the piss. Nice, kind people don’t do that.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/08/2023 18:15

HelenTudorFisk · 30/08/2023 01:38

He is increasing his savings AT YOUR EXPENSE.
With money you could be spending on or saving for your children.
Read that over and over until the type of man you are dating sinks in, and then put him in the bin where he belongs.

This 100 Per Cent!!
and his excuse is that you took your kids on holiday so you can afford to pay for his meals out???
Come on OP.

toxic44 · 31/08/2023 18:21

There's an ugly name for men who live off women. Close your purse, stop being his cash cow and see how long he hangs around.
Oh, and two gets you four he'll say you're being mean and selfish.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 18:24

Simply put op his bank balance is going up whilst yours is going down. Now woman the fuck up and get rid. He is costing you money your dc should be having....

HulaChick · 31/08/2023 18:24

He's a,leach - seriously, get rid of him. He sounds selfish, greedy, lazy & controlling & basically, like a total nob.

Tremough1 · 31/08/2023 18:26

When I was 18 I married someone who told me all that nonsense - he told me it was costing me nothing extra to keep him as I had bills to pay anyway. A very sensible friend told me to LTB, I listened to her and the marriage lasted 27 hours.

I married someone else and we have been married for 53 years, thank goodness I listened to my friend, Being married twice before I was 21 isn't to be recommend but much better than being married to number 1 husband for even a couple more days! Husband number 1 married several more times all for a very short time. I had a lucky escape.

LTB being mean is not attractive

randomusernam · 31/08/2023 18:28

If this is how he feels I wouldn't try fighting him on it. I'd start saying I'm taking the kids here, if you would like to come you can but I'm only paying for myself and kids. If he then chooses not to come so be it. If that results in him not spending time with you then it might mean you aren't right for each other.

Nic0104 · 31/08/2023 18:30

If he wasn't with you, you wouldn't be paying for him
If he wasn't with you, he wouldn't be living in your house
If he wasn't with you, he'd have to provide everything for himself
If he wasn't with you, you'd have more money, and be happier

Use his own logic against him and kick him out. Then he'll find out what it's like to not be with you

Butchyrestingface · 31/08/2023 18:32

My boyfriend gave up his job.

Unless he is (massively) independently wealthy OR severely disabled, that alone would be a red flag of gargantuan proportions for me.

Freespeech1 · 31/08/2023 18:36

He's a loser and a bum.

PurpleButterflyWings · 31/08/2023 18:38

Butchyrestingface · 31/08/2023 18:32

My boyfriend gave up his job.

Unless he is (massively) independently wealthy OR severely disabled, that alone would be a red flag of gargantuan proportions for me.

Yep this. ^ Any man that couldn't be arsed to work and/or gave up his job - would be dumped by me. I could NEVER be with a man who CBA to get a job/doesn't have a job, and leeches off others, no matter how 'funny' he is.

Ewwww, just repugnant. ConfusedTOTAL dealbreaker for me. 100%.

He doesn't sound very 'kind' either. A 'kind' man doesn't get his woman to bankroll him!

@Fanofbeasmith I can't believe you even need to ask on here if YABU. NO-ONE is going to say he is in the right FGS.

Twiglets1 · 31/08/2023 18:43

He is using you. It feels wrong because it is wrong. This is a massive red flag, please think about whether you want to link your life with this selfish man's and whether it's fair on your children.

user1494451950 · 31/08/2023 18:46

My strong advice is to end this now. I married a bf like this and we separated 5 years later. I wish I’d seen it for what it was before I made a commitment. Get out now while you can.

RosieAnnie81 · 31/08/2023 18:47

He is stealing the crumbs from you and your kids plate and for whatever reason you are enabling him. He is not right for your situation you come as a package and whatever you think he is contributing isn’t enough. Be strong and show your kids how to be treated and respected and dump him and take your kids out and start saving the money you would have spent on him.

Grrrrdarling · 31/08/2023 18:47

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:10

He is increasing his savings. His outgoings are very low, he has no mortgage, he pays £25 a month on gas and electric combined, a few £ on water and he lives very cheaply. He owns a cheap car. I have a 3 year old car so we go everywhere in my car, because he doesn't want the wear and tear on his.
Urgh I have the ick. I've told him I'm actually a single mother, it's not great he expects me to pay for him

He hates me spending money generally. I took my children on holiday last month and his attitude is that if I can waste £ thousands on a holiday I can pay a few quid for a meal.

I do see his point that he wouldn't ordinarily pay money to eat in these places, but I just don't see why I should pay for his meals 😔

A few red flags making me thing this is going to be come an even more financially controlled relationship than it already is… 1) he hates you spending money yet happily partakes of the Sistine me given from that money spent, 2) he doesn’t normally eat out or go to places like this well of course because he was single & doesn’t have kids, 4) he left his job because he now has you to financially support him & 4) he is lying about his energy usage so what else is he lying about?

Get out BEFORE he becomes more controlling & you lose yourself & your children’s future to debt while he has a nice little nest egg building that none of you will never benefit from in any way!

Your kids deserve a man in their life who stands on his own two feet & brings something to the relationship NOT a freeloading, cocklodger!

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 31/08/2023 18:47

I have been married 35 years. My husband would give me his last penny. I earn five times his wage and he never asks me for money. When our DC were little I suggested he became a SAHH, he was horrified.
Believe me your bf won't turn into Keanu Reeves. You can do better.

Growles · 31/08/2023 18:48

In my experience, no good will come of this and you will see yourself being manipulated to the point of subservience. Get out now and put it behind you. There are good guys out there!

Channellingsophistication · 31/08/2023 18:56

How can you want to be with a guy like this?
He is not kind, he is a user.

Emsy80 · 31/08/2023 19:06

He hates you spending money unless it benefits him. He wouldn't pay to eat in these places but he'll happily go if you're paying. No. Get rid. I'd bet you're not the first hes done this to.

SherlockStones · 31/08/2023 19:08

OP needs to raise her standards.

This is utterly grim reading.

fetchacloth · 31/08/2023 19:12

YANBU
But do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

moomoo1967 · 31/08/2023 19:17

Mine combined is £50 a month, I can only think it's because landlord installed a new boiler last year

bonzaitree · 31/08/2023 19:20

Bin.

Bugbabe1970 · 31/08/2023 19:22

You use credit cards to live but you just spent £300 on a day out!!!
Madness