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Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Riverlee · 31/08/2023 19:26

He’s a user.

why has he given up work?

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/08/2023 19:28

In a relationship women shouldn’t pay for men,men shouldn’t pay for women. It’s unfair and antiquated
You have a discussion about monies and agree how its divvied up
of course if one partner volunteer or want to pay that’s up to them,so long as it’s not imposed or expected

stop inviting him along to all the trips - prioritise yourself and your children
when he’s more solvent he comes along
chose cheap activities eg picnic he bring his own food

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2023 19:30

Massive cocklodger. Of course, treat your kids, just not him!

Feverly · 31/08/2023 19:31

The new lows I see each day on this site. Women so desperate for a bloke they pay the dregs of society to come in to their kids home and openly make complete mugs of them.

Terzani · 31/08/2023 19:42

EmmaEmerald · 30/08/2023 01:51

OP "He owns a cheap car. I have a 3 year old car so we go everywhere in my car, because he doesn't want the wear and tear on his."

that is horrendous. He won't spend a bean for you. Dump him.

Good point.
OP, please try to see how things look from HIS perspective. So: I'm a man who is dating a single mother who works hard to provide for her kids. I have my own money, but I prefer to save, at the expense of her and her children. Do I love her? Do I care about her and her children? Well, if I loved her and cared about her family, my priority would be to help her keep her money and spend it on the kids. But the only thing I love about her is her generosity - I use her, her money, her car, just because I can: I'm funny, sexy, so I deserve it. She's smitten and would gladly pay to have me around. These milfs are the best!

OhcantthInkofaname · 31/08/2023 19:46

You are being used.

TheHouseElf · 31/08/2023 19:46

He's a leech - get rid of him.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 19:46

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:10

He is increasing his savings. His outgoings are very low, he has no mortgage, he pays £25 a month on gas and electric combined, a few £ on water and he lives very cheaply. He owns a cheap car. I have a 3 year old car so we go everywhere in my car, because he doesn't want the wear and tear on his.
Urgh I have the ick. I've told him I'm actually a single mother, it's not great he expects me to pay for him

He hates me spending money generally. I took my children on holiday last month and his attitude is that if I can waste £ thousands on a holiday I can pay a few quid for a meal.

I do see his point that he wouldn't ordinarily pay money to eat in these places, but I just don't see why I should pay for his meals 😔

Then the answer is simple.

I'm off to Lego World on Sunday
I know you wouldn't ordinarily go so I'll see you Monday.

If you're coming over Saturday, come down after your tea. I've promised the kids KFC and I know you wouldn't ordinarily go there.

Basically kick him off the invite list unless he pays up front.

DarkwingDuk · 31/08/2023 19:47

If he likes to eat cheaply that’s absolutely fine.
The next time you’re with him order yourself a takeaway and let him eat cheaply…if he asks why you didn’t get him anything simply say “because you said you didn’t want to spend on food, which I totally respect…but I want to eat this, so I got this”

You need to either break up with him - because he’s 100% being rude and using you - or you need to draw a boundary with your spending which means you’re not longer subsidising him.

If you’d like to go out for the evening go with a friend who will pay their own way. Again if he asks why you didn’t invite him tell him the truth “you don’t like to spend out and •friend• is happy to do so, so I thought I’d go with them instead”

Either he will realise the bank is closed and break it off or he’ll realise you’re not going to carry his weight and choose to come out and pay his way. Either way you’ll know what he’s really about.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 19:49

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

So now your kids are to miss out because you can't tell a man no?

Iris1976 · 31/08/2023 19:50

I'd be dumping him over this.

Noshowlomo · 31/08/2023 19:50

My niece dumped a man exactly like this. Single mother to two kids, he only worked part time and then reduced his hours due to mental health reasons, then would be asking for money for this and that every week, could she buy cat food, dinner, she’d pay on days out. She started to say no then felt guilty she’d bought her kids a dominoes as she said no to him. She said a big fuuuuuck this and ended it. She wasn’t working two jobs for him, she was doing it for her kids so they could lovely things.
Ive for the ick for you. What a repulsive man. How dare he say you wasted money on a holiday with your children!

TwizzerlingToadstools · 31/08/2023 19:56

There is nothing attractive about a man who chooses not to work. Where is his pride?
He's using you like an ATM.
It's a sorry state of affairs, that money would much better spent on your children. If you can't get rid of him , though God knows why not, just don't include him in anything, see how long he sticks around.

Teentaxidriver · 31/08/2023 19:57

DITCH him.

Hollyppp · 31/08/2023 19:58

You’re using a credit card to fund him and he has savings?!?!? Awful man

Radiohat · 31/08/2023 19:58

He sounds like he has a mental illness........ some people are so tight they are obsessed with saving and living cheaply but are ok with having freebies.

I know someone like this and it takes over their life....

glowfrog · 31/08/2023 20:00

I'm sure it's been suggested by now but you can always point out that you wouldn't have to pay for him if he was working so looks like you're at a bit of an impasse!

Teentaxidriver · 31/08/2023 20:00

He sounds like a catch (NOT). Honestly, why do women put up with men like this? He is horribly tight, critical of you AND taking advantage of you.

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/08/2023 20:04

Radiohat · 31/08/2023 19:58

He sounds like he has a mental illness........ some people are so tight they are obsessed with saving and living cheaply but are ok with having freebies.

I know someone like this and it takes over their life....

No it doesn’t sound like he has a mental illness, so don’t just presume
There is enough stigma & prejudice without attributing every unsavoury behaviour to mental illness
Maybe he is just stingy with his money and profligate with op money

Olika · 31/08/2023 20:06

There's no future with this man as your lifestyles are so different.

Helswatts · 31/08/2023 20:07

The bottom line he doesn’t need to work for his meals out etc as you’re paying, you’re allowing his behaviour. He’s using you.

MarrymeJM · 31/08/2023 20:07

You are really paying him.for his lovely company aren't you?

puddleduckmummy · 31/08/2023 20:10

Treat your kids by all means. Just don’t invite him to go with you. If he complains (which he will), point out that he doesn’t want to eat out so you don’t want to waste your money forcing someone to do something they won’t enjoy! Sounds like you have an extra child rather than a partner. He doesn’t sound fun at all

Canthave2manycats · 31/08/2023 20:17

He's making a total fool of you, and getting you into debt funding his lifestyle, while he contributes zilch.

Think about it.

No1careworker · 31/08/2023 20:21

I had this with my ex. When he moved in with me and my 3 kids I assumed he would pay towards rent and bills as he was earning same as me and saving money by moving in with me. But no. He refused to pay anything. Whenever I brought it up it resulted in a massive row and he would say he paid for food. When he went into a shop he bought chocolate, crisps, biscuits and alcohol so not really what I would call food shopping. He did occasionally pay for meals on days out. But not all the time and mainly because he didn't like taking a picnic and I couldn't always afford it. I wonder why 🤣 Anyway I sacked him off 2 years ago after 5 years. Get rid of him now. He won't change. Best thing I did.