Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
JANEY205 · 31/08/2023 20:24

DUMP HIM!! Use that money for you and your kids!

And I say that as a SAHM whose husband pays for everything, difference is we are married and I’m contributing to the house by looking after our children, I’m not just choosing to be out of work! My husband wouldn’t be happy paying $300 on a day out and neither would I, this man is horrible HORRIBLE to you OP.

Surely being single is better than funding this twat? Who exactly is treating you OP?

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/08/2023 20:24

TwizzerlingToadstools · 31/08/2023 19:56

There is nothing attractive about a man who chooses not to work. Where is his pride?
He's using you like an ATM.
It's a sorry state of affairs, that money would much better spent on your children. If you can't get rid of him , though God knows why not, just don't include him in anything, see how long he sticks around.

What about women who chose not to work?where is their pride
or is it only men?

DumpedByText · 31/08/2023 20:25

I couldn't be with someone who won't work and won't pay his way. It's just unattractive, dump and move on, you deserve better!

Galatine · 31/08/2023 20:26

ukgot2pot · 30/08/2023 01:25

He chooses not to work.

Is he loaded or something?!

Not loaded, just a cocklodger, with no saving graces to commend him.
Find you self-worth and ditch him OP.

WillowintheUK · 31/08/2023 20:30

Show him the door, when he walks through, lock it behind him.

knobkopf · 31/08/2023 20:33

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working

He's a classic cocklodger.
Out he goes. You do not need this leech in your life.
What a miserable way to live your life - he won't pay for anything so you either pay for him too or you miss out on good food/days out etc.

Wondering if it's my ex actually. Name beginning with A. Lives in Aberdeenshire.

He just randomly gave up his job for no reason... and it turned out that was a pattern of behaviour which he'd been doing for years. Worked for a bit, built up savings, found a woman (preferably with her own home but a rental property would be fine too), made noises about paying half-half for a while and in fact did pay but then had some kind of issue at work such as falling out with colleagues, boss being meeeeaaaaan to him, work affecting his mental health, then quit work and continued to cocklodge with whichever woman he'd shacked up with for a while until she started making noises about him perhaps getting a job. He pulled the "depression" card on me when I started saying he needed to be working and contributing. Shortly after that I booted him out.

So yeah, unfortunately there are men around like that and if you do have the misfortune to fall for one of them (they can be very charming and convincing) they should be shown the door the minute you realize what their game is.

knobkopf · 31/08/2023 20:37

By the way, your finances don't sound great so you really do need to think about how you can get on an even keel and not be living off credit cards. I know you want to treat your kids but you can do that without spending 300 quid on a day out.

However, that fucking leech is absolutely definitely draining your finances too because you're having to pay for stuff for him. Get rid of him and that will be a good start.

Also, I don't understand how he can be increasing his savings if he is not working. To increase savings you have to have money coming in, otherwise they stay at the same level (plus interest).

FabYouLus · 31/08/2023 20:38

If you are happy being Lady Bountiful, keep going and enjoy what you love about him.

If you dont... dump him. People show you who they are right from the start if you pay attention, right?

Radiohat · 31/08/2023 20:39

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/08/2023 20:04

No it doesn’t sound like he has a mental illness, so don’t just presume
There is enough stigma & prejudice without attributing every unsavoury behaviour to mental illness
Maybe he is just stingy with his money and profligate with op money

Show quote history

https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/fear-of-spending-money-ocd

I don't doubt he is stingy but there are conditions that are considered a MH issue.

Chrometophobia is an illness & those suffering are very stingy.

Fear of spending money

A person who struggles with “Just Right” (Perfectionism) OCD or Scrupulosity OCD may experience a persistent fear of spending money.

https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/fear-of-spending-money-ocd

JANEY205 · 31/08/2023 20:46

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

NO!! You treat your kids and yourself! You stop taking this piece of shit out with you. He isn’t one of your children?!

when is he returning the favor and treating you? If you aren’t careful he will move in with you soon and you will be footing the full bill

LaDamaDeElche · 31/08/2023 20:56

You have no ties to him. Just dump him. Much better off being single than being with a tight loser. Cheaper too! Also, fuck any boyfriend that comments on the money you spend on your kids. This relationship is going nowhere as you’re not suited and he’s a freeloader. End it and move on or you’ll have a future cocklodger sitting on your sofa contributing nada and thinking he has the right to comment on every penny you spend.

Ohjustforgetit · 31/08/2023 21:01

All I can say is....
EURGGHH!!! 🤢🤮

I couldn't bear to let a man like this get into bed with me

'Ick' times a billion!

You're not suited to each other. This guy is a tight arsed freeloader who'd happily live in a shed if it meant it was cheap/free, but will nonchalantly leach off anyone who passes by without an ounce of guilt.

You on the other hand like a very nice lifestyle funded by credit cards.

You're polar opposites!

Opposites can attract, but not when it comes to finances. Can you imagine if you guys moved in together?? It'd be WW3 within a month. You wouldn't last 2.mins together, and that wouldn't be nice for your DC.

I'd move on from this one if I were you.

Mumsanetta · 31/08/2023 21:02

I must be missing something. If he doesn’t want to eat at Wagamamas, why does he come with you?

Xmasbaby11 · 31/08/2023 21:08

He's tight and sponging off you. Apart from that, I couldn't live with his attitude to money - could you? It will be hard being together long term if you're not financially compatible.

Toomanylaughs · 31/08/2023 21:09

This is why I always test men’s generosity when we go out on first dates. A stingy man is a red flag, they are often not just miserly but they actively freeload as well. This one guy invited me to the cinema in my 20s, they didn’t accept card that day at that machine, so I paid for it all with cash . And later, he stuck his hand in my bag of popcorn I’d brought along with me, taking half of it one swoop.

He was a bit older than me and earned more but he was keen on trying to get me to treat him at the date HE invited ME too. After the movie I took him to an atm and asked for his share of the ticket back Since he had went silent about it .

Got my money back….I REFUSE to pay for freeloading men.

I have also heard some men say they actually TARGET single mothers because they tolerate more, mother them and are easy to please. It is not a compliment!

OP, put your kids first and work on your self esteem. As others have said, this is money that could be going on your children’s savings. It’s sad when women let desperation cloud their thinking.

ClairDeLaLune · 31/08/2023 21:13

What on earth have I just read? What sort of man sponges off a single mum? How has your vagina not totally clamped shut?

Dump the cocklodger, obviously.

Why do women put up with men like this?

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/08/2023 21:14

Radiohat · 31/08/2023 20:39

https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/fear-of-spending-money-ocd

I don't doubt he is stingy but there are conditions that are considered a MH issue.

Chrometophobia is an illness & those suffering are very stingy.

Show quote history

A perfunctory google is not a diagnostic tool. You’re making yourself look silly
Try harder see what other random things you can find, make more spurious claims

Andthereyougo · 31/08/2023 21:15

He hates me spending money generally. I took my children on holiday last month and his attitude is that if I can waste £ thousands on a holiday I can pay a few quid for a meal.

I do see his point that he wouldn't ordinarily pay money to eat in these places, but I just don't see why I should pay for his meals 😔

This seems very controlling. He wants to decide how you spend YOUR money. The money you earn. While he does what all day? He may well bankrupt you.
Get rid now.

DeeCeeCherry · 31/08/2023 21:16

I'm not desperate for a man tho

You are, or you'd never have such a freeloading scrounger in your life. You are paying to have a man. & considering that you and your children eat cheap rubbish, at his behest. Desperate. You're being a complete mug and I feel sorry for your children who will be impacted by your poor choices.

Mirabai · 31/08/2023 21:21

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:32

I'm not desperate for a man tho. I was just wondering if this guy is right, he would rather we ate cheaply at his every single meal. By cheaply I mean toast or porridge or soup. That's what he'd eat. When I don't want to, he has the idea I should pay. I think he should pay for himself but I do really see his side, he would be happy to eat toast or whatever, why should he pay for wagamama etc. But I still think he should pay his own way

If he stayed home and ate toast every time you went out - ok. But he comes with you doesn’t he - he expects to eat and you to pay for it.

ElizaAgainn · 31/08/2023 21:25

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:19

Yeah he's not totally honest with his energy company either 😔

Show quote history

Yep....another one thinking "He cannot possibly be paying that little for his fuel - no matter how careful he is". So I do wonder whether its his energy company (ie the rest of us) covering that. Is his house detached? The reason I ask is because I did voluntary work years back now for an organisation that shall be nameless and used part of a large house for their office/etc. The other part of that large house was a flat rented to a private household by them. I saw the organisations (large!!!!!) fuel bill one day and queried as to how on earth their bill could be so huge for what I estimated they were using. I got pooh-poohed by the person concerned (who was probably used to huge fuel bills - given how large their house was). Years later - they found out I was correct and it was suspicious - as the tenant in that flat had found a way to tap through their meter into the organisations meter and had connected them up somehow. Net result being the organisation was paying his fuel bill as well as their own. They shoulda believed me that there was summat wrong in the first place - but, because they didnt, they'd had thousands of £s stolen off them. So - I ask again - is his house detached or does he have an attached neighbour he could be stealing fuel from? You may be dating a thief!

Blueink · 31/08/2023 21:26

Spend your money on yourself and your kids but cut the dead weight OP, no wonder you have the ick!

He’s taking the piss with possible hints of gaslighting to boot.

babbscrabbs · 31/08/2023 21:32

Ew no wonder you have the ick, he sounds mean, selfish and unhealthy.

Radiohat · 31/08/2023 21:33

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/08/2023 21:14

A perfunctory google is not a diagnostic tool. You’re making yourself look silly
Try harder see what other random things you can find, make more spurious claims

Show quote history

Lol so nasty - I just thought it would be nice and simple to show possible links. I did not say it was a diagnostic tool.

It is not in my nature to be unnecessarily rude. I find people that are "silly" 🤔😂

Oli83 · 31/08/2023 21:35

Sounds like you need to look at your finances and not be spending money you don't have on expensive holidays away and meals out irrespective of whether this man is on the scene or not. If you like him then let him show you he cares by cooking for you and arranging thoughtful but cheap dates he can afford.

How can he afford to pay utiliy bills on his house with no income? There is info we're not getting here